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When Your Confidence Just Takes a Nose Dive

It’s been a rough week. I haven’t mentioned just how much this last week has been trying for me because I just feel like that’s all I do; tell my family and friends what a shitty few years its been. I try not to tell Russell how much this week has sucked because he can feel it. I get quiet and just get into my own head sometimes that I don’t realize I’ve been thinking about five different things, all of which have nothing to do with one another. I’ll share with you the top 5 things that ran through my head today.

  1. I’m still upset that Dr. K and his staff are leaving. Part of me can’t help but feel abandoned during a time when I need them the most. They have been there when no one else understands or sees what I have to go through. They have been there through every ultrasound, every blood draw, every phone call to check in and they were the ones to give me the news that both of our IUI’s failed. They have been there for us during our worst times. And I was praying they’d be there during our best. But life is unfair and I have to find a way to move on otherwise I’ll never be satisfied with who I’m seeing and we don’t want any type of hindrance during our IVF cycle.
  2. I’m very nervous about this ultrasound tomorrow. It’s called a sonohysterography. What a new long medical term that I’ll get to throw around to make myself sound smarter than I really am! (LOL) Basically, it’s an ultrasound to get a clearer look at the inside of a woman’s uterus. What the doctor will look for are irregularities within the uterus and other reproductive organs, such as, the fallopian tubes and ovaries. A sonohysterography is used to help women who have a hard time getting pregnant. In our case, this uterine ultrasound is going to be used to check on my right ovary and make sure it looks good and healthy. She’s always been a little damaged but she’s a fighter and has produced some pretty good lookin’ eggs in the past so we are hoping for good results. We’ll also be able to see my endometrioma and I’m interested to see how that looks. Remember, I can’t the endometrioma (blood filled cyst) removed or it will take all the follicles I have left, thus resulting in us never being able to have a child biologically. This ultrasound is a protocol for Dr. Karnitis and the practice because it has saved a few women thousands of dollars. If they see anything abnormal that can hinder the IVF process they will tell the woman that she needs to wait and let her body heal. I believe in our case it’s just standard so we have nothing to worry about.
  3. I feel awful that I’ve been a terrible friend over the last few years. The biggest regret I’ve been wrestling with is missing my best friends wedding in March. I didn’t get to be there and I should have been. Emma is so amazing because she told me that she completely understands why I couldn’t be there but I’ve had guilt about it ever since. I wanted to watch her walk down the aisle to Evan with her closest friends and family there. I’ll forever be grateful that I was the only person, other than her mom and grandma to be at Lillian’s when she picked out her dress. And she was with me when I first started making my wedding dress. Even though we don’t talk every day or text we know we’re there for one another. If I call her late a night just wanting to vent she’s there and I cherish that about her. AND we’ve been friends for 17 years! That’s more than half my life and I couldn’t imagine life without her in it. I think that’s why I’ve been feeling a little guilty is because I wanted to have certain goals accomplished by then and they didn’t happen. So it was a lose all the way around.
  4. I’m nervous to start my writing job. I have a communications degree and I know how to write papers for school but not an online magazine. Well, I’m learning. I have a mentor and I’m so thankful for her because I would be lost without her help and guidance. I’m so thankful that I passed my writing tests and the company I’ll be working for allows me to work from home. I’m nervous just like anyone else would be starting a new job. I just hope to be half the journalist my dad is because he is the cream of the crop. And when I say cream of the crop I mean his accolades are pretty dang impressive. He’s been the President of the Society of Professional Journalists, the largest journalism organization in the United States. He was also only the second African American president in the organization’s history. He has also received a Fulbright scholarship to teach at the University of Iceland and is a professor at Wright State University. And did I mention he’s the best dad ever? Like, ever. He’s always feeding us when we are all together. But anyway, he’s a pretty amazing journalist and if I can have just a little bit of the career I know he’s had I’ll be a very happy girl.
  5. Stick with me on this one because it’s very different from my other concerns. We all know endo has taken a toll on my body, especially the weight aspect of this journey. In the last two weeks, I’ve gained another ten or more pounds. I know people look and at me and say I look fine but I sure don’t like it. I feel so awful. I am bloated most of the day. I don’t want to wear any of my cute clothes because I’m uncomfortable most of the day. So when I get home from work I put on sweats or my pj’s depending on how I feel. Today was a pj’s kind of day. I also don’t want to wear my clothes because not only am I not going to feel good but I know I won’t look good either. For most people they would be like “oh I’d kill to look like you” but what they don’t realize is that I’ve put on 40 pounds since being diagnosed with endo and not being able to work out anymore. I do my best to eat healthily, drink enough water (which I didn’t use to do) and try to pay attention to my calorie intake. But let’s be real here, when I get done working late at night I’m hungry so I’ll get something to eat. I have cut out coffee and don’t drink nearly as much as I used to. I limit the amount of soda I have in a day to one, coca cola is my ultimate weakness, especially when it’s ice-cold. I do my best to walk around the neighborhood for ten to fifteen minutes but afterwards, I feel terrible. I flare up, get bloated and then wonder why I torture myself. Weighing as much as I do makes me want to cry. Just the other day I had to get my vitals and getting my weight was one of them. When I stepped on the scale it said 144. That’s three more pounds from the week before when I met with my new physician. Now I know I know 144 doesn’t seem like a lot to most people but I’m not used to weighing more than 115. And it didn’t help that Dr. K said: “I see you’ve put on a little more weight”. He meant it in a good way because when we first started this journey he said I was too thin and needed to gain an additional 20 pounds before we started. I told him how uncomfortable I am and how badly I want to lose weight but he says this is a great weight to start a pregnancy. Part of me thinks it’s a crock of shit and the other part of me is just going with it to see what happens. My point being is that I hate the way my body looks. It’s bad enough I didn’t go to the pool once this summer because I couldn’t stand the way I looked and felt like I would be judged. It’s nice to also have a husband who doesn’t see the weight gain. He says I look beautiful no matter what I weigh but at the end of the day I feel like shit. I have no idea how to get to use to this new body. After all my surgeries that was tough but this is just as though. I see myself in the mirror and have no idea who I am looking at. I just hope one day I can get back to being me. Until then please forgive the amount of joggers and leggings I’ll be wearing this fall and winter.

I  could go on and on and on with the number of things to complain about but those are the things bothering me today. Tomorrow will bring on a different set of challenges that I’ll have to try to conquer. In the meantime keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming our way because IVF is right around the corner. We are thankful for everyone’s support and love. We are doing our best to stay strong, connected, and hopeful on our journey to expand our family.

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

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abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Silver Linings

Just when I think things are going smoothly and we are on track we have a setback. I hadn’t planned on sharing this but I’ve been an open book thus far about our journey and the struggles that come along with infertility so why keep anything a secret?

Last week I found out that Dr. Karnitis is no longer going to be employed by Kettering Reproductive Medicine, and neither will my favorite nurses starting the first of October. Kettering’s fertility clinic was recently acquired by the University of Cincinnati as they continue to grow their brand. Now for those that really pay attention and follow my blogs you’ll know that I’ve been to UC’s fertility clinic and didn’t like it. The only thing I liked was the waiting area because it was so bright and chic. Other than that I didn’t like the staff or doctor. I didn’t like them because I felt as though they were more focused on their established patients. I came home from UC to tell Russell I wanted to stay with Kettering and he was on board. Well now I not only feel blindsided (more on that in a moment) but I feel like I am at a serious crossroad.

Today I had a meeting with Dr. Karnitis to discuss my further treatment plans and what we should do next. I am panicking because getting comfortable with a reproductive doctor and their staff is hard. Not to mention we’ve been working with them for the last two and half years. I feel like I’m losing my tribe at this point. Last week when I finally was able to get ahold of Colleen (IVF Nurse) I started crying on the phone to her I started crying because I wanted to know what went happened to the point that I never received a phone call, email or letting stating that he would no longer be with us. To honest, I think all political and the company doesn’t want any negative feedback. But again, that’s just my opinion.

Today I was so sad seeing Colleen and Dr. K because it is likely the last time, other than my ultrasound on Thursday. As I was checking out Colleen gave me a big hug and told me she is going to continue to pray for us. It was at that moment that I realized how much this staff and organization means to me. My eyes filled with tears and so did hers. As we embraced one another I knew Colleen is apart of my tribe. She is always in my corner and the day I am able to tell her we are pregnant I’m sure she’ll be just as excited and thrilled as we will be. I’m just so sad she’s not going to be there for the most important procedure of my entire life.

I owe so much to Colleen and Dr. K. Without their help, guidance, advice, and love we wouldn’t have the options we do today. Without them, Baby Young wouldn’t really be a topic of conversation. While I’m sad to see them leaving I know they will succeed no matter where they go. Now we have a HUGE decision to make. Stay at Kettering and switch to Dr. Bidwell or follow Dr. Karnitis. There are pros and cons to both situations and we just have to sit down and really think about. I knew IVF wasn’t going to be easy and there would be challenges along the way, this one just happens to suck more than the others. But it’s okay because I’ve learned how strong I am throughout this entire process. Russell and I are going to make the decision that is best for us and we’ll keep you all updated on what we decide to do. This is the part of infertility that sucks. The part that I dread the most. I wish the behind the scenes stuff didn’t have to be bad but I know I’ll look back on this and be so grateful for it all!  The silver lining or today’s adventure is this: as long as I can get my manicure every few weeks I’ll be a happy girl. I’m trying to find the silver lining in every situation because there’s no point in living life if you can’t try to find the good in it.

Until Next Time

xoxo

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

I’ve had a shit week…

“We don’t grow when things are easy. We grow when we face challenges.” -Unknown

“I want people to know that every pregnancy announcement is devastating, not because you’re not happy for them but because you are sad for yourself.” – Jennifer Jones Huffington Post

“Listen to the mustn’ts child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me. Anything can happen child. Anything can be.” -Shel Silverstein

” Someday you won’t remember the pain that you thought would last forever.” -Taylor Swift

 

Well if these quotes don’t sum up how I feel right now I’m not quite sure what will. I’ve not one, not two but three whole meltdowns this week. A lot of it is pain related because I am in so much pain I can’t even put it into words. And when I do try to explain to someone what endo feels like the typical response is “oohh so it’s just bad cramps”. Umm no but nice try. Having endo is like having someone take a knife and stab you over and over and over again while you’re just standing there taking it. Having endo requires lots and lots rest and relaxation because let’s be honest, my relaxing is sitting on a heating pad wishing the pain away. The meltdowns I’ve had are because we are still short our deposit for IVF and I can’t handle going on Lupron for another month. The hot flashes. The sleepless nights. The irritability. The headaches/migraines. Everything that comes along with the disease and taking Lupron are too much for me. I just can’t do it anymore. I know the women going through this and several rounds of Lupron can agree that the drug makes you insane. I start crying over everything. I know our vows said for better or worse but there should have been an additional insert that say for better or worse, in sickness and in health, during all the mood swings and happy days because let me tell you the last week has been rough. We are pretty good at managing our stuff and keeping our personal things separate from our infertility feelings because infertility feelings are much more heightened and we are both extra sensitive. I just don’t know how he’s done it all this time because the last two years have been anything but a cake walk. It’s tough. I can honestly see why people leave their spouses when they find out they have infertility, do I agree with it? No. But I understand because the stress it puts on a couple is unreal. I feel like our stress level is always sky-high because of how I’m feeling. Sprinkle in some anxiety and depression and you’ve got yourselves a shit show ladies and gentlemen.

BUT IVF starts soon so we are looking forward to that. We are looking forward to getting this baby train out of the station and headed for its pregnancy destination. So please keep your fingers crossed for us and pray that we get a little miracle babe out of all this stress.

Until Next Time

xoxo

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Heartbreak and Hope: One Woman’s Journey Towards Motherhood

Throughout this journey of infertility I’ve felt so alone. However, right now I couldn’t feel more loved, supported and more importantly heard. You all have taught me so much about what it means to be patient (even though I have little of that), strong compassionate and resilient. I have also gained a whole new set of people, mostly women in the same position as I am; hopeful that the treatment cycle is it. But there are so many women, some I know personally and some I don’t, that have gone through IVF or an FET (frozen embryo transfer), some make it passed the dreaded TWW (two week wait) to find out they’re pregnant. Some however, have to wait a little longer and go through extra tests to make sure the negative is really a negative. **There are instances where women can yield a false negative and actually have a positive test but in most cases a negative is a negative** After our second IUI, I had a strong feeling I wasn’t pregnant. I had to wait 14 days, which felt like an eternity, to take the test. And when I got the result I cried, like really cried. For hours I just sat in disbelief because even though I knew in my gut it’d be a negative, I was hoping I was wrong. In that moment I never realized how much I needed to find a group of women who knew exactly what I was going through. Women I could seek advice from in my time of need and gain another perspective as to why we were chosen to go through this.

The whole point to my late night blog is that someone I was cheering on during her TWW found out her FET didn’t take and her little embryo didn’t make it. I am heartbroken for her. I have never met her before and I have never spoken with her either. But, there are so many women that I’ve connected with through social media that are going through what I am. They have gotten further in their journey’s than I have but we’ve been through something that many don’t even know they’ll have to go through. That’s why we like to say our TTC Tribe or being apart of a private group. It’s a group we wish no one would ever want to be in. Throughout her journey she has done IUI’s, IVF, and is a cancer survivor. There is something so special about this woman. She had to do some extra testing and called this period her pregnancy purgatory. And until it’s a definite positive or negative women are PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). She was wishing and praying for her little embryo to stick and sadly it didn’t. I can’t imagine what Melissa is going through and how long she will wait until trying again. But I also can’t imagine what she is feeling right now. I hope she is taking the time to grieve and once she has I hope she wants to try again, take on the entire world, and conquer every dream she ever had. I also hope one day she’ll be pregnant, holding onto to every heartbeat, kick, hiccup and labor pain because those are the moments she yearns for and so many more.

So I’ll leave you with several quotes before I wrap up because I feel they are all important to a woman’s journey through infertility. Sometimes we just want to hear something uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes along our journey we get lost and need time to reflect. I can’t tell you how many days and night’s I’ve spent reflecting or sitting in my sadness because I just didn’t know what else to do. But reading quotes and listening to devotional (thanks Meg!!) it’s been helping me a lot. For the women who are going through infertility, seeking treatment, and going through the dreaded TWW, I am sending my positive vibes to you. I am asking Venus, the goddess of fertility to bless Melissa with a baby. I know it can’t happen overnight but I would love nothing more than to see her holding her rainbow baby after her storm. So I’ll leave you with the quotes I said I would share.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that say’s I’ll try again tomorrow.” –Anonymous

“When you feel like you can’t go any further just know the strength which carried you thus far will take you the rest of the way.” –Anonymous

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams” — Paulo Coelho

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Communication= One Key to Success

Clearly we all know by now that I tend to write when the house is super quiet and I have space and time to think. During the day it’s so hard to write because of all of the distractions. However, there is something about laying in bed with everyone asleep around me that makes it so much easier to write. Fun fact: I graduated from the University of Phoenix with a Bachelor of Science in Communication with Leadership Communications in Organization degree. And I graduated with honors!

In my last blog I wrote about how I wanted  to be more open with how my first (almost) two years of marriage have been, especially since we are battling infertility. Now I’m not going to go into specifics on certain topics but give you an idea of how infertility challenges a couple but makes them stronger at the same time.

As we all know I had my first surgery 8 months before we got married. Everything snowballed from there. I know I’ve also said this a thousand times but I can distinctly remember telling Russell he could find someone else to marry after my second surgery because I didn’t feel like I could give him everything he deserves. Since that moment our communication with one another has been taken to the next level. I kind of just wanted to share with you what we do that has made our communication better.

  1. We sit down and have afternoon coffee (on days I don’t work lunch) and talk about the week ahead, what we have going on, if we have family plans, etc.
  2. We check in for the day in the evening or before we go to sleep. This is HUGE! By checking in we see how the other person’s day has gone and see if we can lend a listening ear for the other to vent. During this time we talk a lot about IVF. I’m not joking I think we talk about IVF once a day.
  3. When something exciting happens we tell each other about it right away and celebrate life’s little and big milestones. Same goes for the not so good things.
  4. We watch the same television shows together and we LOVE binge watching an entire season in a few days. This sounds like an oxymoron because when you watch tv you don’t talk but we pause the tv A LOT to talk about what we think is going to happen, gossip, etc. It’s really fun because we can let go of the outside world for a little bit. We get very into our shows. (Ask my mother in law she can attest to it!)
  5. We have a great friendship. I mentioned this to him tonight that our relationship blossomed from a friendship to a romantic one. We have always been good about still maintaining our friendship while loving each other. Because lets be real you have to like your spouse before you can love them.
  6. We add items to our bucket list. This doesn’t happen all the time but we plan fun adventures together. We day-dream about new places to travel to and we day dream a lot about where we are going to go next!
  7. We have tough conversations, even when we don’t want to. Going through infertility has forced us to have conversations I never thought we would have but we’ve gotten through them, with me crying a lot.
  8. We respect each other when we are having a tiff. I’ve seen and heard the way some couples talk to one another while they are having a disagreement but we don’t talk down to one another or become condescending when we are in the middle of a disagreement. We maintain the respect and some times we even take time apart to calm down and come back to the conversation later when we are both more level-headed. This also applies if we are at a function and having an argument, people won’t ever know because we don’t fight in front of others.
  9. We say I’m sorry. There are moments (everyone has them) when we are being selfish and therefore passive aggressive. Once I realize I’ve done this I will immediately apologize and visa versa. This is important because when both parties are able to acknowledge their part in the disagreement we are able to learn from our mistakes and move on.
  10. We dream of what our future looks like. We dream about business ideas. We dream about a lot of things. I think talking about our dreams and setting goals as a couple makes you stronger. Having a posiitve vision for the future helps get us through these tougher times. We have overcome a lot of difficult hurdles but we are going to appreciate the hurdles more when we are enjoying qulity time together.

I’m sure there are more things I could share with you but I think ten fast facts about how our communication has helped our relationship gives you all an insight into our marriage. Is it all rainbows all the time? No. Do we have challenges and get overwhelmed, resulting in my crying? Almost weekly. But the one thing I’ve learned in the last two years is that the small things matter. I didn’t realize how much I needed to check in until it became a habit. Marriage is hard enough as it is but having communication skills makes it a lot easier. I think part of me always needing to communicate has to do with me having a Bachelor’s degree in Communication, but we are always striving to make an effort. Life is so full of stress and being rushed that it’s nice to sit down and just take twenty to thirty minutes to talk about our day. We also make it a priority to talk a little bit before bed. Tonight I needed reassurance because I just feel like I’m a crummy wife for us having to go through this and Russell’s response blew me away; but I shouldn’t be surprised. He told me he is so grateful to me for pushing my body to the highest levels every day to make a dream of ours come true. He mentioned how thankful he is for me and how proud of me he is. I love him more than anything. This is also where our atrological signs come into play. I’m a Leo and he’s an Aquarius. From all the research I did our signs are a perfect match for each other.

As we get older and have children I want our children to see us happy because in any relationship as long as you’re both happy, try your best every day, communicate and love the other person with every fiber of your being you’ll be successful. But I’m sure they will also see us getting into tiffs but I also want them to see how quickly we will try to resolve an issue quickly, effeciently and respectfully.

Remember all it takes is a quick 20 minutes each day to really listen, no cell phones, just the two of you, talking about your day or anything else to really benefit the both of you. You’ll be happier, feeling better, and as the saying goes “happy wife, happy life”!

Until Next Time

xoxo

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior

Forever a Warrior

I keep coming across this quote and it is really hitting home with me. It says:

“Whenever you find yourself doubting if you can go on, just remember how far you’ve come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won and all the fears you have overcome. Then raise your head high and forge on ahead knowing that you got this!”

This quote is powerful for so many reasons. For one, I just celebrated my 29th birthday. In my head as a little girl I thought I would have been married with 3 children by now. I thought I would have that cookie cutter house with the white picket fence and the perfect dog. As we all know this is the furthest thing from what I have now. I have three girl dogs, each unique in their own way and my poor husband has four bitches to deal with on a daily basis (we have an inside joke when one of us says that to the other). I am 29, no children, married almost two years and I’m about to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother in a very unconventional way. When I was a little girl I never knew babies could even be made in a pietry dish because that was never talked about! Speaking of I saw another quote that was hilarious! If you don’t follow hilariously infertile on IG you are missing out. She is trying to take all the negative things in the infertility world and give them a spin. The meme has a cat mean muggin’ and it says, “Oh your baby was free? That’s cute. Infertility treatments means mine will be a super fancy, designer baby. Thanks science!” I don’t know why but I thought it was pretty funny. So my point with this is to share with you that this is NOT the path I wanted for my life, but I am not in control of when things happen, the universe is. We are all destined to do something and I believe the universe takes it’s time letting you find out what you’re passionate about. I also attribute my drive to finding out the most about endometriosis and infertility to being a Leo. Leo’s are natural people of passion, creativity and cheerfulness. However, we are also arrogant, self-centered and inflexible. I can say that I have every single one of those qualities.  The one connection to being a Leo that I find ironic is that Leo’s like expensive things.; e.g. the designer babies!

Sorry we just went way left and need to reel it back in a bit. So basically the last 6 months have been hard. I mean we are still technically in the honeymoon phase but we are stressed out about Russell possibly having to provide a sample before we start treatment, the amount of money it’s going to cost, etc. I mean when I hear stories of women and their husbands going through this three, four or five times I commend those women. They are the true heroes for me. I mean going through 2 UI’s was enough to make me feel like I was mental. But to have to go through that all over again multiple times and still be positive that it’s going to work is crazy insane to me. I mean how do they do it? But it reverts back to the first quote about how far we’ve come in our journey’s. Two years ago if someone would tell me at 29 I’d be about 7 weeks out from beginning IVF treatment I would have said they’re lying. But things are falling into place and I couldn’t be more excited . My LAST AND FINAL Lupron shot will be injected the last week of August. I told Russell I am so so happy this part of our lives is going to be over. He agreed only because he wants me to be back to normal. He sees day in and day out what I struggle the most with. He sees me writhing in pain, having shortness of breath because it’s hard breath through the pain. I mean sometimes it feels like my body is shattering all at once. I am so thankful that he’s weathered this storm with me because without him I would have lost my shit by now and I mean completely. I am so grateful to have a partner who listens to me talk non stop about my concerns,  how to prevent my anxiety from taking over, how to stay out of a depression. Ya know, the simplest thing like bringing me ice cream when I was having a bad day and it was favorite and said here ya go this will cheer you up. BONUS: He didn’t eat any because he knew how badly I needed to solve my problems with a pint of ice cream.

Now comes the tricky part. So I’ve been very open about our journey thus far and I know I mentioned last time that I wouldn’t tell anyone the date of our last shot because then it would be easy to do math and I don’t want anyone to find out when my shots are and when my transfer date is  I can’t remember what I said previously but we are going to keep that to ourselves. I have some fun ideas for a photo shoot when we do get pregnant. The other thing I’ve been doing a lot more of lately is calling my kids by their names, speaking them into existence and just talking to them. I want them to know what I had  to do to get them here and they are oh so special to us. I want to tell my daughter to shatter that glass ceiling and break barriers because she is going to be strong, sassy and independent. As for my son, I want to tell him that following your passion is going to take you further than most people. I also talk to them about being kind because being kind in this world is one of the best feelings. I also want to teach him what being a man means. Not just the masculine side but also his “feminine” side. It’s okay to be empathetic, vulnerable and emotional. I think it in today’s world we get so caught up in labeling genders that we forget we are all human and humans have emotions.

One last update. I don’t think I’ve been as open about my marriage through infertility as I would have liked. While I am a very intense person he is the polar opposite. Leo’s are best paired with Aquarius, Russell’s astrological sign, and we are the perfect match. I’m mot saying we need therapy or anything but we recognize what we need to do work on us more. I think that’s going to be the topics I talk about while we go through IVF. I also want to talk with Russell more because we had an idea to create or organize some sort grant for a couple in need of help paying for fertility treatment. Being able to dream big with Russell is everything I’ve wanted. Now this won’t happen over night but one day I hope we can manifest this dreams of ours! So watch out world the Young’s are coming for ya!

Thanks again guys for reading this far. This was a long one but I haven’t blogged in a while and I miss it so I’ll be more inclined to blog more now. If you have topics that you are curious about send them my way and I can talk about your topic or question!

Until Next Time

xoxo

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Things Not to Say to an Infertile Person Part 2

Today’s not been too hateful. I was able to announce that I’ve become a Contributing Writer for DoYouEndo.com .It’s a great female empowered website and I love that they are bringing me on to write full time. I mean my minimum is one article a week but we all know I’ll find something to write about. Like right now I have 4 pending article because I want to show the CEO of the company that I am serious and I will work butt off! But there was one thing I wanted to touch on real quick. Remember a few weeks I when I wrote an article about what to say and what not to say to someone. Well we are going to expound upon that. I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings by writing this but it has to be said for own sanity.

There was a couple I didn’t expect to have a conversation with but I did anyway. They were asking how long I’d been married and when I would start have kids. Clearly, I made this comment before, you NEVER ask a woman when she will begin a family because you don’t know a person’s situation. I tried my best to hold it together but they kept bugging me so I snipped back them and told them I was having fertility issues. They left quickly and left what I like to call a pity tip.

The other thing that been bothering me lately is telling me not to blame myself. Like how people have been in my shoes and genuinely feel what I go through every day? Not that many. It’s frustrating because it’s not Russell’s fault. His swimmers are fantastic, I mean they over perform like no body’s business. (That helps us both because we know he’s good to go!) I blame myself for so many reasons. It’s humiliating as a women and a wife not to be able to conceive a child.  I feel like this was something I should have known about or at least heard about. I blame myself for more reasons that any can every be able to comprehend and I wish people would stop saying that me. If I need to sit in my anger, frustration or sadness just let me; it all helps in the long run.  I just can’t handle that. Let me find peace within my self and with the universe and feel balanced then I know I’ve let things go.

Just two rules to add to my other 7 or 8.

Until Next Time

xoxo

Angelica

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Infertility is Hard

I have no idea what to write yet my head is spinning around in circles with all my worries, concerns, and anxiety. I feel like I’m in slow motion and when I get caught up to real-time speed I’ll be hit with so much that I’ll crumble. Endometriosis has taken hold of my life in ways I never thought possible. (list below)

  1. Stress— I never knew a person could be this stressed. At all times I have thoughts of what I need to get done before our fundraiser and IVF..it’s pretty freaking stressful.
  2. Anxious–I also never knew how anxiety affected a person until I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe half the time. It’s so overwhelming that I have no other way of describing the level anxiety I have.
  3. Emotions–my emotions have been all over the map the last 5 months. I think things are different this time around with Lupron because this is the longest I’ve ever been on it. I’m not the same person I was when I wasn’t on it. It’s like Lupron took my personality in an extended time out. I’d like to get her back now.
  4. Marriage–Technically I’m a newlywed still but we have our ups and downs because of endometriosis. More specifically, I blame myself for everything that’s going on. Russell is such a wonderful husband and he deserves the world. I try to make him happy but the one thing that would truly and I mean truly make him happy is a baby; and I can’t do that without a little science. Sometimes I wonder what his life would be like if we hadn’t continued to date and found someone who was healthy. Would he be happy, happier?? I’ll never know. I feel bad about the amount of meltdowns I have during the week (because there’s always 2 or 3) because that’s just adding more to his already full plate.
  5. Sleep– I miss sleeping. Going into forced menopause has been awful. I am hot all the time and I don’t sleep at night because I wake up soaked in sweat. I will say this I do tend to nap a little during the day but it’s not long enough for me to feel refreshed. I always feel fatigued because I’m not sleeping so I’m basically walking zombie. There are times I’m so tired, don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep and I’ll wake up having a conversation with Russell and he literally has no idea what I’m talking about. That’s no fun.

 

There’s a snippet into what my mind goes through every day. What I go through. If you are on Instagram you saw the pictured where I looked defeated. That picture was taken last Sunday, the day I had three meltdowns. In that picture you see me sad, tears had just rolled off my swollen looking face, and the dark circles under my eyes from crying so much. I allow myself to sit in my feelings for a little while (24 hours) but after that I have to keep going. Endometriosis and Infertility really push you to your limits, like almost off the cliff. But each day I wake up I try to make the best of it. If there’s anything you take away from this blog today it’s that it’s okay to not be okay, fight like hell to make your dreams come true and never be afraid to ask for a hug when you need one.

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Mind Over Matter

Today was rough, like really rough. Sundays are days that I can recharge ,de-stress  and get ready for the week ahead. Well not today. The universe had other plans for us today. Before we get into the horrible day I had I just want to say Sephora and Ulta are going t make me broke! After this weekend being busy I thought I deserved a little something for my hard work. I had no idea it was national lipstick day. The sales lady says all Anastasia Beverly Hill products are Buy One Get One Free and girl, we all know I’m all about lip products. So I ended up getting a Metallic Rose lip gloss and a Liquid Lipstick in the shade Dusty Rose. They are so perfect because anytime I see a Mauve lip color with cool pink or brown undertones sounds amazing to me! Then I also got the Fresh Beauty Lip Balm in the Caramel scent. It is amazing so far and I can’t wait to wear it around. Since we are almost to my birthday they let me pick beauty’s lip products or a mini glam glow face mask and moisturizer. Of course I went with glam glow! Then for having to wait a few extra minutes got me another free face mask! Sephora and Ulta are my happy places and I’ve got to slow down. But it’s my birthday month starting Wednesday s owe will celebrate all month-long!! Can’t wait to try the new mask because I used my Farmacy Mask tonight.

Now onto the not so good news. Russell and I have been planning and IVF fundraiser. We had the date set and I sent invitations to all my co-workers only for Russell to get a phone call to say another bar is having a golf tournament and they paid a lot of money and said they wouldn’t be there. I’m not gonna lie (because who has time for lies??) the second he said there was another even that day I say cancel it. God love Roanne because she is hosting the evening for us and she calmed me down and Russell calmed me down and all is right in the world. He said he wants to do it right (I expect nothing less from Russell considering he is a perfectionist)and this gives us more time to get everything accomplished on my goal list. I’m crying really hard and telling him I’m not mad that there is  golf tournament I’m mad because everything is falling apart very quickly. Russell thew out some dates what I literally told him I can’t do this anymore. And  by that I mean continue on with Lupron for another few moths. The side effects seem to be getting worse, the depression is awful and quite frankly I’m not the same person I was two years ago and he can tell. Russell is doing everything he can to make me comfortable but he feels so helpless. Then we are getting ready to watch a show before bed and my back is hurting. I told him it hasn’t felt like this in a while. Then I started crying because I couldn’t take the pain. Right after he rubbed my back and put some topical numbing creme on it I cried again! I’m just crying and apologizing because this is NOT how I pictured our first few years married, but no one with fertility issues does. Russell is always great to get advice from because he’s always been one to take what you’re saying, analyze ie and then come up with the best advice. He told me everything is mind over matter. When my body feels awful and I just want to lay on the couch I should stretch. The little nuggest of advice I’ve receive over the last 10 years has been great. I’m so glad to have him as my listener, my sounding board and my husband. He has gone through this with me side by side and I couldn’t do this without him. I have so much respect for him because I don’t know how he does it. On that note I’ll leave this here. And if you haven’t visited our go fund me what are you waiting for??

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

https://www.gofundme.com/angelicamyoung

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, BFP, black, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Heartbreak, Strength and Hope

This blog post has been weighing on me because I feel like this space is one where we can talk about all things endo, including IVF. Today I want to talk and share the story of one of my friends, Carissa. Going through this journey I’ve gained some friends who understand what I’m going through and being able to vent and just be able to relate to them. I met Carissa on Instagram (and we haven’t ever met in person) and we immediately started DM’ing each other about our stories and how great our husbands are. We also share a love for dogs. She has a YouTube channel and her IG is pretty awesome, inspirational, and uplifting.

Carissa is one of, if not the most God fearing woman, I’ve ever known. She has infertility issues, including stage one endometriosis. I also want to take a second to let you all know that it does not matter what stage endo you have, it can ruin your reproductive system. Anyway, Carissa laughs A LOT and I love that. But she is also very real and she does cry in front of the camera and tell her followers and supporters what is going on. Last year Carissa and her husband Brian were able to get pregnant through IUI. However, they lost their baby early on in the pregnancy and it crushed her. She is still dealing with this loss because you can’t ever know what it’s like to have fertility problems, get pregnant and lost your child. In her own words, every day is a battle. Carissa and Brian just had their IVF cycle done in New York. She has 17 eggs which is a lot; 10 were mature which means they could make it to become embryos; 1 fertilized; and 0 embryos were created. My heart shattered for her. She is now waiting three months before starting again.

This is the hard part. Telling you all how much IVF is not a guarantee. You aren’t paying for a 100% chance to get pregnant. You are hoping that the embryos you implant will stick. You’re hoping that during the weeks following the little pink lines will become more and more clear. Getting ready to start this journey myself I am telling myself we are going to get pregnant and I speak it into the universe because I believe what you put out you get back. I try my best every day to lean on those around me when I need help. I am so glad I have Carissa as a friend because she has taught me the meaning of patience, hope and strength. She is the definition of a warrior. Even though she’s been knocked down she’s going to get back up and try again. I think women who are going through infertility realize that we have no choice but to keep going. We fight. We have more hope than you imagine. And we love the people who love and support us throughout our journey. Below is one of the videos that Carissa posted to her YouTube channel and I immediately connected with it. Check it out and follow her on IG :carissabarzee.

Until Next Time

xoxo