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Are you seeing me?

I’ve been asking myself a lot lately if the blog posts are being seen. If you are seeing them can you answer a few questions and post your comments down below and we’ll get right into today’s blog!

1.) How did you find me? 2.) What keeps you coming back? 3.) Before reading about my blog do you or someone you know have endometriosis? 4.) What topics do you like most and what topics would you like to know more about? 5.) Before following my blog did you know what endometriosis is?

 

In today’s blog I’d like to bring to light another story that was shared with me recently. I wanted to share this story with you all right away but I simply didn’t know how to get through the blog without crying and being upset for a friend of mine.( Her name has been changed in this blog for social media privacy) So I decided to step back and think about how I wanted to share her story because some of the detail of her infertility are difficult to discuss. So last week I received a private message from my friend, Miah, telling me she now understands the pain that I’ve endured while going through endometriosis, the surgeries, and now IVF and everything that it brings. Miah continued by saying she had an ectopic pregnancy. For those that don’t know an ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo is in the fallopian tube traveling to the uterus. However, the embryo ends up getting stuck in the fallopian tube. The end result is a miscarriage because embryos can’t survive outside the uterus. Most of the time when people are trying they don’t realize they’ve created an embryo and women will often times go to the doctor with symptoms of pelvic pain, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, or pain in shoulder area. It is during the pelvic exam or ultrasound the technician or doctor (depends on who is doing your ultrasound) will see the embryo in the tube. However, there are serious health concerns that come from having an ectopic pregnancy. Unfortunately, Miah went through the worst with her ectopic pregnancy. Her fallopian tube ruptured causing her a lot of pain. She had to go in for emergency surgery to save her life. Within minutes of arriving to the hospital she was being prepped for surgery. I can’t imagine how stressful her situation was or even how scared she was.

When she came out of surgery she said she looked down at her stomach and she didn’t recognize it. I told her I felt the same when I had all of mine. Many days I still want to hide all my scars and never wear a two piece bathing suit ever again. It’s not that I feel anger or resentment towards them but if I’m being quite honest I liked my body the way it was before all the surgery. Right now I don’t like my body and the way it looks.I’d prefer to hide my body until I feel comfortable in my skin again. And that’s also another obstacle women have to go through after they’ve gone through a laparoscopy. The first thought is “what does it look like under all the bandages?” ,Second thought is “when will I get to see it?”, and after you finally see your stomach for the first time its complete silence. Do you know why? Because the image that we are looking at won’t be going away, they’re in places that can be hard to cover up if you wanted to show your stomach. I fully understood what Miah was saying when she said she didn’t recognize her stomach. Miah is so brave and so strong. The amount of pain from rupturing a fallopian tube has to worse than child-birth. I’ve had several cysts rupture and that feeling is one of the worst feelings a person can feel. I just wanted to give some love to Miah for being an amazing person, sharing her story with me and continuing to try to find the light during this dark time. I have so much positive energy for you and your family. Keep being positive, have faith and know that you may not have all the answers now but you’ll find them eventually. If there’s one nugget of advice I can give you it’s don’t give up. When you feel like you can’t get out of bed or you’re struggling with what has just happened and you’re slipping into a negative space say to yourself ,Don’t give up. I promise this made me feel better on days when I just wanted to curl up in bed and shut the world out. I won’t lie to you, seeing pregnancy announcements and bare bellies and all the pictures people post of their newborns is going to be hard. You’ll feel like you are going through this alone but you aren’t. I felt that way for a long time because I couldn’t find anyone I could identify with and once that changed my mindset started to change. I believe in you and I love you very much. I promise you are going to get through this and you’ll be stronger, more grateful for the life you have now, and more positive. This experience has tilted your universe and I know you’ll do great things by sharing your story!

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

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abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Putting Our Pride Aside

As some or most have seen, Russell and I put up a GoFundMe account to help with some of the costs of IVF. I have no idea what’s going to happen with the outcome or how much we are able to raise. But at the end of it all I know whatever we do have we’ll use to go towards our total IVF payment. For those who have already donated, thank you so much. I’m not going to recount our story for the five thousandth time but I will let you know that we are getting stronger and stronger each day. Part it is from all the support we know we have and the other part is knowing we have each other to go through this with.

I like to think of this situation as our Mount Everest. It’s taking a long time to get to the top but we do get there everything we’ve gone through will be worth. The moment when we get to the top (aka conceiving a child) and everything just seems so surreal because the amount of patience you have to have is indescribable. But sometimes when we are going on big adventures you need help and guidance along the way. Russell and I never intended to put up a gofundme but we’ve decided to put our pride aside and see what happens. We have Plan A, Plan B and we’re working on putting together a Plan C. Clearly we all want Plan A but it may not happen. And can I take a second to bitch about how our healthcare system needs to be changed. It’s not fair that they’ll bill insurance thousands of dollars for a simple ER visit but going to the same hospital for treatment to have a baby gets no help. I’m over here like hello insurance companies, I know your business is sometimes shady and this is one of the areas I would deem shady. I wish women could have more coverage to take the stress of wondering, hoping, putting all you your extra effort into thinking of every little thing that could happen. I have many more gripes when it comes to women and men not getting coverage for infertility issues.

I wanted to keep this short and sweet because I really don’t know what else to say. If you are able to donate that would be great and if you can’t please keep saying your prayers for us. We appreciate everything everyone has done for us thus far! Link down below.

xoxo

https://www.gofundme.com/angelicamyoung

 

 

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, white, wife, women, women's issues

Where Did all my Friends Go?

I have asked this question to myself quite often lately. When a woman is going through infertility she is going through someone incredibly indescribable. When we are read bed time stories when we are little they all begin and end the same way; one per is usually in need of help from the Prince. After getting help they fall madly in love, get married and live happily every after. But in the real world that’s not how life works. And I believe the commonality between relationships and friends are the same. However, I’ve learned pretty hard who is there for me and who is not. I have three girls at work (Yen, Sam and Lizzie) that I am very close with. Without their support I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. They keep me sane and are always there when I need their shoulder to cry (literally). Finding girlfriends when you’re an adult is super hard and I’m glad that was able to invade their tribe and become friends with them. It also helps that we love makeup, babies, and we genuinely care for each other. There aren’t many women out there like them and I’m so glad to apart of the tribe. Then there’s Erin. I could write so many amazing things about Erin. She’s always calling to check on me and see if I’m doing okay. She is also a diamond in the rough. I wouldn’t trade out friendship for the world. And after all who would I share my twin stories with?! Caitlyn, my soul sister. Do I even need to say anything. Your guidance, love, prayer and hope for us during this time fills me with such gratitude. Emma, you live in an entirely different state and still check on me every now and again. Our friendship is immeasurable and nothing will ever break us. You are my person. Finally, Daniella, Marisa and Mom. You guys keep me on my toes. Even though Daniella and Marisa, you are my sisters you are also my very best friends. Sometimes I want to punch you but the bond we have could never be broken. I love you so much. And my momma. I call you a million times a day and hate when I go longer than three days from talking to you. I mean I love you so much and was so worried about you that I had the police check on you and it turns out you were still sleeping **that was a big oops**. You all are awesome and I love you more than you’ll ever know.

Now I’m sure you’re all asking yourselves “is she crazy she does have friends”? The answer is this. I used to have a lot of friends that were invested in me. Just checking in to see how I’m doing or asking how I’m feeling. Infertility does a lot to a woman’s mind. Not only does it make you think things that aren’t true, you just start to believe things that aren’t real (thank goodness for therapy right??) I had to learn from being diagnosed that things would change. My feelings were so fragile those first few months and it’s becoming more and more hard to deal with because my friends have distant themselves too. I say too because I have done the same. I haven’t want to be with anyone. I’ve wanted to be alone; just me, my bed, and my thoughts. I don’t want to socialize because I don’t want to be asked how treatment is going, which is so crazy because I’m an open book when it comes to my blog. But sometimes a girl just needs a break, ya know?

I just want to get to a point in my journey where people aren’t uncomfortable inviting me to baby showers (which I politely decline but still send a gift and am working on getting the strength to go), or first birthday parties, recitals. Not being invited makes me feel even more alone. It’s all about balance and once I master that I know I’ll be able to function much better.

Until Next Time

 

Please feel free to share your stories on how your friendships have changed through you finding out you have infertility.

 

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Therapy Part One

Throughout this journey I’ve been very open about my mental state and how I’m feeling about infertility, the emptiness that I felt when I kept getting negative pregnancy tests, the trying and getting a period and the disappointment that followed and just the downward spiral I felt I was going down. So after many talks and lots of thinking I decided that if I wasn’t going to go on medication I’d need to seek counseling from a third-party… because let’s be honest, there is only so much your family, friends and spouse can say to calm you down in a time of need.

Through my insurance I was able to find a therapist who is in my area but I was disappointed because she isn’t taking any new clients until August. So I went with my second option. And let me tell you that was a disaster. Keep in mind I’m big on first impressions. Like if I don’t get a good vibe from you in the first five minutes (really more like two minutes) I’m most likely not going to vibe well with you. I will not disclose the person’s name or location but I was not impressed. Walking into a cluttered space was overwhelming. So overwhelming in fact that I became even more anxious. Then I walk into the therapists office where they work and to my dismay it was even worse than the waiting area. I mean I was so distracted because the office was not what I had in mind. Correct me if I’m wrong but shouldn’t a therapist’s office be a neutral, yet inviting space to be in with plants and calming feel? All I could think about was the amount of things in the office, like a floor fan, humidifier, the crooked wall hangings, the magazines everywhere, and just the overall clutter. Not to mention they took a phone call in the middle of me answering a question! I felt like I couldn’t focus on the questions being asked because of the chaos I felt I was in. We all know we don’t go to therapy to be distracted, we go to find ways to cope with our issues. Needless to say I left more overwhelmed than I went in.

And can I mention the advice I was given when I was told them why I was having anxiety and depression. I was told when I’m anxious I need to breathe deeply through my nose and out my mouth three times. The second task I was instructed to do was to create a story from a happy time in my life and remind myself of that happy time to get out of a funk. To be honest, I was disappointed. I thought for my first session I’d go in and tell them what was going on and what events had led up to me seeking treatment. Now, I do understand that everyone has a different approach but I just didn’t feel this person was a right fit for me. So now I’m back to square one. I am doing my research and seeing who is covered under my insurance so I can see someone else.

But last week when I wrote my last blog I told you all that I’ve give you some pointers on what to say and what not to say to someone going through infertility because it’s a tough topic to talk about, especially if you aren’t familiar with what that person is going through and want to offer advice but don’t quite know how. So below are the What to Say and What Not to Say to someone going through infertility. I’ll just list them and give a quick explanation (if you have any questions please feel free to ask and remember this is just from my point of view)

What to Say:

*Let the person dealing with infertility know you are there

*Listen…sometimes we just need to vent

*Connect us with other women/couples going through infertility so we can share our stories, offer advice to one another and be cheerleaders for them. It helps more than you can imagine.

*Tell us when you’re pregnant

* I’m sorry you’re going through this

*Send us inspirational quotes or bible versus relating to infertility, i.e. Sarah and Abraham’s story

*I hate that you’re going through this

*I love you

*Asking how we are doing or if we need anything

*If you’re feeling down and need me to run and errand for you please don’t hesitate to ask (Shout out to my bestie Erin for ALWAYS saying this to me)

*I’m praying for you/praying for your strength and hope during this time

What Not to Say:

*It’s not the right time

*There’s always next month

*Have you thought about adoption (this has to be at the top of the most awful questions to be asked)

*Maybe it’s not in God’s plan for you to be a mother/parent

*Has your husband switched to boxers?

*Trust me you’re lucky you don’t have kids

*You must enjoy your sleep

*Just get drunk and have sex that’s how most babies are created 

*You’re too stressed and that’s why you can’t get pregnant

*Whose fault is it? Yours or His?

*It’ll happen when it’s meant to be

*Don’t keep anything baby related from us. That’s the last we want because we still care about our friends and family babies and taking that next step in their journey. Just talk to use like you always do. 

Just a few things I wanted to share because I’ve been told by a few people in my inner circle that they don’t always know what to say. So I’d thought I’ve a little sight (again as my opinion) about what will make it easier to transition into conversation.

Until Next Time

xoxo

Angelica

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, family, fashionista, fitness, foodie, growing, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, white, wife, women, women's issues

We weren’t chosen…yet

Hello my darlings. It’s been a little bit since we’ve last seen each other. I decided to take a little hiatus from blogging to really work on me and center myself more. Now before we get  into this week’s topic I wanted to share a quote with you that I came across that is so powerful to me.

“You were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it” –Unknown

This quote isn’t extremely long, it’s just to the point and lets us all know that no matter what we have going on in our lives we are strong enough to take it on! I actually needed to see this quote because the last few days have been really hard. Friday I received the first email from one of the companies giving away grants to deserving couples who need the money to help fund their IVF treatment. The email started off great and they said our story was powerful and were one of the finalists, however, they chose another couple to get the $10,000 reward. Unfortunately, I have no idea about the couple who won, what their situation is like, how long they’ve been trying, how much money they’ve put into their journey or anything. I just hope and pray that they get their wonderful little baby they’ve always wanted. The bright side is that this grant company is ongoing, meaning even though we weren’t chosen now doesn’t mean we can’t be picked in the future. Since our names and story are already in the system we will automatically be re-entered into the next giveaway. Today I received a second email. This one’s tone was much more grim. Baby Quest is the one company I knew would be a long shot. They receive a ridiculous amount of applications and the more people hear about them, the more applicants they get. The email basically stated that at this time there are unable to gift us with a grant. They did encourage us to re-apply for their fall grant but it’ll be too late by then.  Right now we are going to regroup, think about everything and plan out the next few months.

The last blog I posted was about ten days ago. In that ten days a lot has happened. I had my first anxiety/panic attack, I broke down to Russell basically telling him he can do so much better and give him the family he always wanted, stayed up late thinking about my future and stressing the hell out of myself when I know that’s the last thing I want; especially since stress causes wrinkles and I don’t have time for wrinkles honey! So not being chosen has put me into this corner that I’ve not wanted to come out from. In these situations I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to get on social media for fear of seeing someone’s perfect little belly and wondering what that feels like. Some days I can’t function because the depression takes over my body making me sluggish and exhausted. Having endometriosis isn’t just not being able to have children, it’s having depression, chronic fatigue, anxiety and constantly crying. I honestly can’t tell you everything I feel on a daily basis because I could be super happy and the next thing I know Russell’s asking me if I’m okay because I’m crying. And let me remind you it’s the ugly cry face. I think I get so broken and all I want to do is snuggle up to my husband while he reassures me for the 500 millionth time that he isn’t going anywhere.   ** If you don’t already know I need constant reassurance from my husband that I’m not given a Razzie for being the Worst Wife of 2018.** I’m tired. I’m drained. I have little left to give and I feel like I am stretching myself beyond what I can handle and a breakdown is coming. There are certain things I can feel and a mental breakdown is one of them. Thankfully I start therapy Monday and maybe my breakdown will happen in her office so she can help me better understand how to control my feelings. It’s to the point I don’t want to be around my nieces and nephews because they are the reminder to me that I’m the black sheep in the family. Looking at their beautiful faces reminds me I may never have sweet mom moments when they want to snuggle, give you a kiss just because and watch them grow from babies to toddlers, taking their first steps and celebrating major milestones. (Please do not think I don’t love my nieces and nephews because I love them very much. What I am trying to convey is that because a few of ours are babies..my step sister has a little baby and my brother in law and his wife have a toddler; to me watching them create family moments and firsts together is very hard for me to watch…just to clarify) Most of the time my heart can’t do it. And the times we do go to functions I end up crying when we get home because I’m so heartbroken over our situation. I’m slowly getting better in some areas but most of the time I just pretend like I’m okay. Russell is so wonderful, rubs my back, listens to my crazy talk, and still wants to continue to be married to me. Throughout all of this I have learned a lot about myself but also my partner. He is understanding, patient, compassionate, sympathetic and loving. I’ve also learned there are many ways to love a person and he shows me each and every day how much he loves me by doing something so simple like telling me we are going to parents and we are going to be okay. Those little moments create big moments and those big moments help to continue building the foundation of our strong relationship. If there is anything I’ve learned it’s that something will always go on in life and I have to find a way to find the beauty in the toughest parts because I know there are a lot of women that feel like me but may not know how to talk about it or express their emotions.

Next week’s blog post will be dedicated to those caring for loved ones with an incurable disease and infertility. I’m going to give you some talking points to soothe a loved one when they are in need of some advice because someone who hasn’t gone through infertility doesn’t know exactly what to say without making the situation worse.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, black, blogger, body shaming, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, family, fitness, foodie, growing, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, negative, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, shoe addict, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, wife, women, women's issues

Negative Self Talk and Doubt

At what age does negative self talk begin? Is it when we are integrated into school with children who come from different backgrounds and just simply don’t know how to ask questions in a positive way? Is it when we are bullied in front of others? Is it when girls start being mean to one another for no reason other than to bring someone else down?

A few days ago I had a beautiful friend of mine write a post on Facebook saying, “I don’t understand how anyone could stare at the that is me.” Naturally, those of us who know her know this is not true. She was flooded with comments saying she was beautiful and shouldn’t think otherwise. I told her to continue being the queen she is and keep slaying; not only did I mean that but I think this girl has got to be one of the most beautiful women I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. So this whole conversation got me thinking. We ALL talk negatively about ourselves, the way we look, how small or big our boobs are, the our feet look, the angel of their nose when they a specific direction. I want to do two things: 1. Share my struggle with self talk and 2. Encourage you to say one positive thing about yourself every morning for 21 days. Why 21 days? It takes three weeks to form a habit that will stick and last. So be kind to yourself because I can tell you when you’re kind to body it is kind to you in return.

We all know I struggle with my weight. A few months ago I was having another appointment with Dr. Karnitis to which we were discussing our IVF treatment options. I brought up my weight and how I wanted to lost 10-15 pounds before I get pregnant. Dr. Karnitis said absolutely not. He said I need to stay my weight if not gain more to help keep my uterus happy for a baby or two. I understand wanting to be at the perfect weight when getting pregnant but I don’t want to feel and look overweight before we have children, because let me tell you I’m getting to the point of no return. By that I mean if I don’t start something soon I’m just going to continue gaining weight I don’t want. I’m not gonna lie I feel uncomfortable talking with friends about my weight because they think I’m crazy for being uncomfortable at 136 pounds. (Yes I said it, no I don’t think it’s taboo lol) My entire life up until the last three years has been me eating whatever I wanted and not gaining a pound. Then pageant prep happened and I made HUGE goals happen. I mean I was able to walk on stage, strut everything I had in front of strangers, oh and my dad, so I was feeling myself that night. But every night since then I cringe looking at certain pictures because I can see a fat roll. The girls at work don’t understand why I’m complaining because they think I’m a small person, but I certainly don’t feel it. I’m uncomfortable with my body because right now I’m getting ready for the biggest day of my life and that’s transfer day. My body needs my uterus to be loved right now and according to the doctor that’s eating oatmeal or some sort of high protein breakfast every morning. I get oatmeal in 5 times a week so I think that’s a win in my book! There are also day I go to take a self to post on social media but I think I look like a cow or I tell myself I’m ugly. WHY?!?!?!?! This is maddening to me. I have vowed to start doing light, not a lot of back movement workouts, but something that will interest me and calm my mind and that’s yoga. So tomorrow I start my yoga journey!

Whew…that was longer than I thought it would be. I just wanted to hop on here and give encouragement to my friends who are struggling with anything. I’m still sitting here trying to think of an age when we would start to negatively talk to ourselves. And then going through some confusing times, like puberty, how does that affect the self-awareness, how do you build confidence in yourself? So many questions are running through my mind right now and I’d love to hear from you all! IVF mommas out there what were so things you did to prep your body for IVF because I just know we are having a baby/babies. I call myself mama even when talking to the doggies. I refer to Russell as daddy for the girls so there are some things I am doing to get ready to get ready to have a child(ren). If I don’t keep this mindset I fall apart and it doesn’t take much for me to have breakdown. So here’s to less negative self talk, more loving self talk and remembering we are all always a work in progress.

Until Next Time

xooxoxox

abortion, anxiety, babies, beauty, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, family, growing, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, wife, women, women's issues

Rise like a Phoenix

“I believe every person has to go through something that absolutely destroys them so they can figure out who they truly are.” —unknown

 

I had no intention of blogging today because well, to be honest, nothing was really inspiring me. Until I was scrolling through Instagram, late at night like we all do, and I saw this quote. This spoke to the deepest depths of my soul. I can only speak for myself, but if I had to guess any woman going through infertility has felt this at some point in their journey. For me this is a constant struggle. The one thing I want more than anything in the world has destroyed who I am. It has changed me in a way I never thought possible. I never thought I’d be scheduling appointments to go to therapy because I can’t control my emotions when it comes to seeing baby announcements, pregnant women in public or the baby aisle in any store. I have to go to a therapist because every time I leave the doctor it’s heartbreaking, enough so that the anxiety I feel leading up to appointments or discussing our future plans is getting to be too much. I need to learn how to cope with how this disease has changed me. Each person has their thing and some probably wonder why I talk about this so much because I should be blessed with what I have. And I am. But two years ago when I had my ovary removed, unexpectedly and didn’t find out until I came out of surgery was the worst day of my entire life. The second worse day just happened; my OB telling me parts of my organs and uterus are frozen due to the build up of scar tissue. I wanted any surgery, which would have been the fifth. I know that sounds crazy but I wanted to have it done to relieve the pain for a little bit, buy some more time to get my affairs in order for IVF and be a little more pain free in the mean time. But when he said if we do one more surgery I’ll loose everything, that killed me. I don’t think I’ve had that one break down yet that will cause me to have a full on anxiety or panic attack but I feel it’s a matter of time. I remember calling my mom after the OB visit and telling her I didn’t know how I was going to get home because I was so upset. I will say my family has been monumental in getting me through some really bad days. My parents are amazing and just them calling to check on me means more than they’ll ever know. Most of the time I’m holding back tears because I know they worry enough and I don’t want them to worry any more than they have to.

The second I saw this quote I knew I had to write. I’m not fully at the place of knowing who I am but I’m pretty sure when this is all said and done I’ll know. I think I’m going to come out of this entire journey with a completely different outlook on life. I believe everything happens for a reason and our paths are pre-destined. I believe there are no coincidences in life and that everything happens because it’s meant to. As I’ve said before I’m not 100% religious but I do believe in the universe.

But in other news, we do have a plan for IVF this summer. And yes by this summer I mean we are going to go through the process, shots, transfer and all in the next two to three months. It’s going to be a whirlwind and it’s going to happen so fast. Since I’ve documented this far I’ve decided to document how the shots are going but have decided to leave transfer day (the day we implant the embryo or embryos) to ourselves. I’m not even sure we will tell our families when that day is but please continue to send all your love our way. We feel it. I feel it. And to everyone who has reached out. Thank you.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

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Does money bring you happiness?

There’s an age old question that keeps coming up in mind. Does money bring you happiness? For most things I am going to say no because life is all about making the most of your moments with your family, friends and those who find comfort with. I think it’s important to acknowledge that when we don’t see our loved ones we tend to be less happy, but when we see them, even if it’s just for an hour you feel better, lighter and happier. There is a but to this answer though. Wanting a child is tough and requires money and a lot of it.  For me, money is going to bring me happiness in the form of babies! Tonight Russell and I talked for a solid hour about our future, our time frame and what it looks like. We are planning on staying track to begin IVF in July!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya’ll this makes me so excited but I’m trying not to get too excited until there is a pregnancy to announcement. But the emotion of excitement overcame me and I just have this feeling that I’ll be experiencing that feeling more often in the near future. Having conversations with Russell about where we are in our relationship and our IVF journey are so easy. I mean talking to him is like therapy for real. We both just talk about what we want and immediately in those moments try to find and come up with a compromise if one of us wants one thing and the other wants another. I think that’s something we are really good at is being able to make the best decisions for us, our relationship and our future while being able to both get what we want too. I asked the question does money buy you happiness because there are those people that say yes, money brings me lots of happiness. But in my honest opinion those types of people have something else that doesn’t them happy. Not to mention money will be around when we die and we can’t take it with us so we might as well spend money on treating ourselves right. Take that weekend vacation with your spouse to reconnect because life can get so busy you may not always find time to sit down and recap your day or just have a conversation. I also think it’s important to have a girls trip every now and then because we do grow up and start our own lives. I want to make more of an effort in seeing them because that will help me with my emotions and re-establishing the friendships I have. Ya know I feel like I’m so open with you all and I’m able to share mostly anything about our journey. Money doesn’t bring me happiness, it pays bills and helps take care of the dog, every day things and fun things as well. But I don’t believe money can bring lifelong happiness but when it comes to IVF knowing what can happen then I believe money can bring you life long happiness. There are several reasons. 1. Being a mother and not being able to do that is heartbreaking. 2. Women who want it bad enough will explore every option possible before they get to IVF because it costs as much money as a car or a down payment on a home, a wedding, and many other things I can’t think of at the moment. Right now we are at the stage where we’ve been trying for over a year and half with not even one potential for a scare or inkling that I could have been. So it’s time and we are  ready. I’m so ready to turn the entire office into a nursery (okay okay that might be too soon but you get the gist of what I’m talking about). Finally to answer the question does money bring you happiness yes, when you are going for a goal that doesn’t seem obtainable or it is for a medical reason, like trying for a baby!

As always please feel free to keep sending those positive, prayers, texts, and calls because they are very uplifting for me and for Russell. The amount of support is overwhelming and we truly couldn’t thank you all enough for how wonderful you’ve been and allowing me to just talk to you about where we are in our journey.

Until Next Time

xoxo

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To My Mother In Law

Dear Debbie,

First, I want to say I love you. I know we’ve shared our ups and downs but we’ve come out stronger and closer because of them. Second, thank you for raising such a wonderful man, who happens to be my pretty awesome husband (no bias here). Thank you for raising a man who knows not just how to treat his wife but how to communicate with me when I’m being stubborn, spoiling the living crap out of me and loving me unconditionally. Thank you for raising your first born son to be the best man I know. Without you and your guidance throughout the years he would not have such a deep understanding of what marriage truly is.

Today was a hard day. I was looking forward to today for several reasons, one being that you got to see the amazing salon I have the privilege of going to and I wanted to show you that. I also wanted to pamper you too since this year has been a bit challenging. We had our day planned out and how everything would work. I’d go to my annual (which for those reading it was awful and very painful) and come get you and we’d go get our hair done together. While waiting for Dr. McCullough in those uncomfortable paper gowns I’m trying to center myself and keep the peace flowing within my mind. I kept trying to remain calm and mostly collected after the visit. After the exam Dr. McCullough started off with a sigh. I’ve known Dr. McCullough for a long time and I know when bad news is coming and let me tell you the news I received was heartbreaking. During my exam my uterus is tilted (which for me is normal) however there is no movement at the top or left sides of the uterus. This means those parts of my uterus are being enveloped in scar tissue. Naturally my next question was about doing a scope through my belly button to see how bad it is and address the situation. Without hesitation he said no because if we go in for surgery 5 there is a possibility I would lose my right ovary and tube. That’s not a gamble I’m willing to take. He apologized and said he hopes we are able to start soon and if we can’t we need to think about freezing my eggs so we have some banked. The scariest part was hearing that we have about three months to get this started. Three months is such a short span of time and we aren’t financially there quite yet.

Second, thank you for letting me have a complete meltdown in the car. I knew I was going to tell you how the appointment went because you know about all the appointments and how the end up. Each time I fight back tears because I  never want you to worry any more than you should and do. But today was different. I couldn’t hold it in. The reality of it all just came flooding down. The actual possibility that I may never bear children. I may never make your son a father, the one thing I want to give him most in this world. Sitting there driving I was trying to talk softer and explain what everything meant because the terms and way they describe things to me can be very confusing, add not having the disease and the knowledge gets lots very easily and things become confusing. I tried everything I could to avoid crying in front of you. I tried to hold back the tears and fight through them. But my anxiety took the best of me and it’s as if the flood gates opened. In that moment I was so thankful you just listened to me as I tried to speak coherent sentences. Thank you for just allowing me to grieve and cry. Moments like that are hard to be there for, especially when you know the disease is only getting worse from here. And I can’t thank you enough for telling me to keep having faith because I’m losing it. The more bad news we get, the less faith I seem to have. Debbie, thank you for always being there when I need advice on how to handle a situation or to simply listen. Thank you for always asking how I’m feeling and what you can do to help. Today was a tough day and without you there for comfort because I thought today was the day I’d have a panic attack and wouldn’t be able to get home. Today you saved me from going off the deep end. Today you did something most people forget by wanting to put their two cents in. You listened. Not many mother in-laws would just listen, they’d say “there’s always adoption or have you thought about a surrogate?” You’re the opposite, you speak the souls of our unborn children into the universe as if they’ll be coming any day. Your positivity, faith and love for our growing family are some of the qualities I not only love but cherish about you. Thank you for being such a wonderful woman and I thank the universe every day for allowing my path to cross with Russell’s. Thanks for being such a wonderful mother in law, I couldn’t have gotten any luckier to have you in my life, I love you.

Well friends that’s all I have for now and will continue to update as more things happen.

Until Next Time

xoxox

 

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I need help

There’s no other way to say it..I need help.  I briefly discussed in a recent blog that I am suffering from anxiety and depression related to infertility. I am asking for help for so many reasons. The first reason I am asking for help is to improve my quality of life. For example, today I couldn’t get out of this funk. I keep seeing people who are so happy with their pregnancies and this new chapter in their lives. It hurts me because I want that so badly and pregnancy is not something that is going to come easily for us. Today I shut down, I cried and slept most of the day. I think this is important for me to talk about because when people see me they see someone who is happy and always smiling, especially on social media. But what I don’t share on social media are the days I want to hide from the world. The days I just cry and ask Russell why this is happening. I cry because the amount of pain I’m is so overwhelming I don’t know how to alleviate it. The pain starts in my lower back and radiates up towards my shoulder blades. Today I was a flare and my stomach went from being normal to looking like I had a bowling ball under my shirt. It is so painful and I knew my bowels were inflamed and so were other organs like my colon. I know this because I’ve been through it so much that I know which organs are directly effected by my endo. Days like today are why I need help. I’m currently looking into seeing a therapist because I feel that’s the only way I’ll be able to deal with my life right now. I talk with Russell more than I talk with anyone but I am only adding to his stress level. I don’t think it’s fair to continue to talk about my fears, my sadness, my dark thoughts without seeking the help of a professional. I think my mental health state is very fragile right now and needs to be taken more seriously. I have opted out of taking medication because once we start IVF I’d have to stop so I would feel better just seeking the help of a therapist. This has taken me a long time to get to this place. I have felt lost for quite some time now. Being and feeling lost has nothing to do with not having support from my family, friends, husband, etc. I am lost because I can’t comprehend why my body doesn’t function like everyone else’s. I feel lost in a sense that I can’t connect with my friends that are parents. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I am also lost because I have no faith… not right now at least. I don’t believe the universe can fix this. I don’t believe anyone can fix this. And this is what I’m talking about. The negativity that just so easily comes out has to stop. I want to be in a space that no matter where I am or whom I’m talking to I want to be posiive, think positively. But I don’t right now. A lot of thoughts are why me? Some thoughts are why can’t Russell have a better wife? The man is perfect. He stops on the side of the road to help strangers fix a tire. I remember we were coming home from running some errands and the truck in front of us had some working materials falling out…they were long pieces of wood to build a deck with. The man stopped his car to put the pieces back in and Russell got out of the car to help him; he didn’t even think twice about it because that’s who he is. I love this man more than anything in the world. I’d give anything for him. But my negativity isn’t helping his stress level. He is already worried enough about me and the thought of IVF is stressful on both of us. I just know that if I talk with a therapist they can give me tasks to do that can help me when I’m in an uncomfrotable situation or a situation where I feel like giving up for the day.

I want to get back to the person I once was. The person who was fearless and thought she could do anything. I want to get back into volunteering and doing the things I used to do. But right now my anxiety and depression don’t allow me to do that. I realize I nee to help myself before I can help others. I know in the end this is going to be worth it and I know I’ll see a transfomration but it’s going to take some time to get there. As always please continue to keep Russell and I in your thoughts as IVF is quickly approaching.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo