I know I told you I needed a break but I have to write one more blog. I have to get this out because if I don’t I may explode. I’m having a harder time than usual right now. It just seems like the sky is falling and there is nothing I can do to prevent it from crashing down.
Today is one of those days when I want to crawl in a hole and not come out. One of those I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel days. One of those I’m a failure days. I had an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist. Each time I meet with him I’m so optimist that something is going to change from the time I last saw him to my current appointment. But in reality, each time I see him the hope fades a little more. My body has been through hell and back and we don’t know how the damage is going to affect our future. Being on Lupron for 2 years on and off, putting my body through hell with all types of medicines and gaining an insane (amount for me) amount of weight (40 pounds) has been difficult. Throw in the mix of emotions and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
Earlier this week I asked Russell to stay home while I went to my appointment because sometimes I need the time to process things on the way there and home. Today was a day I’m thankful I went alone. It was hard. Going through infertility is so incredibly frustrating. To this day I still wonder why this is happening to me and what I did in order for this to be happening. I know I say that over and over and over again but it’s the truth. If you’re reading this and you have children, hold them close, kiss their faces, and thank God every day for them. So many women would give anything for those moments and the satisfying feeling that comes with motherhood. I also want to touch on one other thing: the holidays. I love the snow, smells, baked goods, and anything Christmas. Let’s be real our house is already being decorated with decor! I only have a few things left to get, aside from the tree. The holidays are very difficult for women with infertility. We go into stores just looking for items and then we see items in the children’s aisle. Santa hats that say “My 1st Christmas” or the onesie that says “Best Present Ever”. These items are soul-crushing to see because these are items we want to buy, but we can’t. We try to distract ourselves by keeping busy but its tough. Then the Christmas cards come in the mail. You see your friends with their families and children looking cute as ever in their matching outfits. And you stare at that photo because you long for moments like those. This is the part of the journey that is most challenging. The purpose of my blog is to share with you the good, the bad, the ugly, the not so bad parts of infertility. Today happened to be one of the bad days. I’ll sit in my sadness wondering where this all came from. Wondering if there could have been something I could have done earlier in life to prevent these days from happening. Then I wonder what my purpose for having this disease is because I know there is one, I just can’t pinpoint it. I know the lesson I’m learning will make sense eventually I just wish there was a specific date so I could have some closure. Unfortunately, there is no end in sight and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting further and further away from us.
I may write from time to time but I’m serious about taking a break from writing to clear my head so….
Until Next Time