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Strong? I don’t think so…

I wrote yesterday about getting Lupron….again….for the fourth time. Each time is worse than the last I feel like. I just feel like my back is breaking and I can’t do anything about it. Nothing makes it go away; it’s just there constant. But today’s topic is something I’ve often heard during this process, that I am strong. I was talking to one of my best friends and she said “I don’t know how you can be so strong during all of this. You amaze me.” The truth is I have to be. I don’t have time to be sad anymore, at least not right now. I have to stay positive and hopeful that this will work. Let me tell you hearing that my AMG level was 0.01%, which means my body doesn’t produce eggs and to be given a 5% chance of conceiving was devastating. I cried and cried and couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s when all the surgeries and shots began. At this point I am so used to go to get this shot I wonder how much worse this can get. I wonder how I’ll feel differently. But today I was called strong. Strong because as a woman in her 20’s I’m supposed to be at the peak of my life. I’m supposed to be doing things that are my bucket list and traveling the world. Instead I’m spending every extra penny I can find on fertility treatment. Anyone who know’s me knows I have always wanted children. I always wanted to hold my baby in my arms. It’s just been a natural feeling for me. But the day Dr. Karnitis said we had a 5% chance my world was shatter. I’ve spent days crying and being angry because I want so badly to know why I have this? To this day I still don’t know why. I don’t know why I had to be one in ten with endometriosis and one in eight with infertility. There’s also another part to being strong I don’t share. I choose to cry alone. I don’t cry in front of the doctors or Russell anymore. I choose not to cry in front of him because he already worries so much about how I’m feeling and how I’m going to get through the day. The last thing I need is to bring more stress to a situation we can’t fix right now. That’s just my choice. That doesn’t mean that we don’t talk about what I’m feeling but I hold back those tears. I’ll let them out when I feel I can. But I don’t think of that action or any action of being strong. I try to remain in a place that I feel okay. I’m not at peace and I don’t think I feel peace until we successfully complete IVF. I’m giving this all we have and I hope this works. I hope that we can be successful on our first try but going through IVF is a huge risk and gamble.

Again, thank you for all your support during this time. It means so much to me and it also means the world of me to hear you all think I’m strong because there are so many days when I am less than that.

Until Next Time

xoxo

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Another Day Another Grant

Today’s blog is all about grants. We’ve talked about this before but I wanted to thank every person who has given me suggestions on which grants to apply for and those who have been so encouraging throughout this journey.

Today I receive my first of three Lupron shots; so bring on the hot flashes, crying at the drop of a hat (oh wait I do that anyway), sleepless nights and a little extra concealer. I have to do one shot a month for three months because there was a mix up at my doctor’s office. So every four weeks I’ll be seeing them but that’s good so I can talk with the nurses and staff on a more regular basis and have our treatment plan worked out. This means we are around 12 weeks away from beginning IVF. Now that’s not completely set in stone and can change but my hope is that we aren’t too far out from our original starting point which would have been next month. Let me tell you having to let go of control throughout this process has been frustrating and hard. Not just because I’m a type A personality but because once I have a date in my mind for doing something I make it happen but in the world of IVF things don’t always go according to plan.

This week I’m working on a grant and I wouldn’t be working on it without the information from my friend Charlene! She tagged me in a post that is open to all couples or single people wanting to have children. I never would have known about this if it weren’t for her. I am so thankful to have friends who are keeping their eyes out for grants for me to apply for. Without that support this journey would be very hard. It’s hard enough having to go through it all but having friends like Char are so wonderful. Many of you know Char and I are not only friends but sister queens. She was my Ambassador Queen during my reign as Miss Captivating. I created such special friendships with all the girls, especially Char. She is like a little sister to me and I am very happy we have been able to maintain our friendship years after passing on our titles.

If you know of any grants that are awarded to couples seeking IVF treatment let me know! We are open to all ideas of fundraising to keep the out of pocket costs at a minimum! Thank you so much and I’ll talk to you soon!

Until Next Time

xoxo

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Fingers, Toes and Everything Else Crossed

Have you heard of Baby Quest? Or FertilityIQ? I hadn’t until I started the process to applying for grants to expand our family. Today I sent out our Baby Quest application. It consisted of 12 pages, lots of numbers, information from my doctor which had to be rushed because I waited to the literal last second to send this out (typical me), and pictures of Russell and I; which were surprisingly hard to decide on. I mean, how does a couple decide on just TWO pictures to send to complete strangers? I was like well this is my reasoning for choosing these photos what do you think? And my poor husband just looked at me in confusion like “okay…I think that’s good?”. Then there was the typical information about my condition and what steps were necessary for us to have a family. Finally, there was our story. This was hard for me to write. I wrote it because let’s be honest, I am so type A that I wouldn’t let anyone but myself write about our personal story. I couldn’t even tell you who is on this panel or how they choose a couple but they want to know all about your family, your hobbies, just basically everything about the two of you as a couple. I started off sharing about Russell’s family, since ya know age before beauty right?? LOL just kidding but I really did start with Russell’s family. Then I went on to mine. I included everyone, including our nieces and nephews. Then I talked about us. And the one thing I wanted to touch on in this blog is selflessness. As we all know my husband is eleven (and a half but he hates when I say that) years older than I am. He doesn’t have children, except our dogs and would love to be a father. I know this because when we first met he told me his dream was to become a parent at a young age. He admired his parents and all they did for him and his siblings growing up and that’s the life he wanted. But destiny had a different path for him. He ended up meeting me when he was 28 and I was 17. We obviously didn’t start dating for almost a year and have been together ever since. I’ve even had the pleasure of pulling off one hell of a surprise 40th birthday party in January. But we are talking about a man who has loved on his nieces and nephews as if they were his own. Our one niece Kaliegh gets so excited to see him that every time she does she yells, “Hi Uncle Rusty!!” in that sweet, innocent voice only a little girl has. He loves those kids with every fiber of his being. I couldn’t help but feel hope for the first time in a while as I dropped that packet in the mail today. For the first time I thought maybe we have a chance at watching a little human grow; hear them speak their first words, watch them take their first steps. And in that moment at the post office I realized just how selfless my husband was all through his twenties. He could have just had a child because he really wanted to be a father. But what he was waiting for was a family. He was waiting for the person who could fulfill those dreams. That person happened to be me but little did we know I would be broken, both metaphorically and realistically. The irony of his selflessness is that he waited for a person who can’t bear children, not naturally anyway. He waited all this time, had all these life experiences only to marry someone who can’t give him the one thing in life he’s always wanted, a family. As I sit here in the quiet I am overcome with emotion because his selflessness is one of the many reasons I have hope. Hope that the people on this panel will read our story and see our pictures (which we chose a picture from our wedding and a picture from the first Michigan game I ever went to) and understand why we want this grant. I will not say that we are more deserving over another couple because we aren’t. We are just two people who love each other very much and want to share that love with a child of our own.

We hope you keep your fingers crossed with us as we wait to get the news of whether or not we are chosen for this grant.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

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A Path to Nowhere

I just have to vent. If I don’t I may lose my mind. I wrote last month that the decision had been made for me to go back on another round of Lupron-Depo, aka, the Devil’s Juice. I called the clinic to make sure everything was ready to go and the documents could be faxed to CVS Pharmacy since that’s the pharmacy my insurance covers. Totally fine..everything was going according to my plan and then it just stopped. The doctor’s office was getting the run around from CVS and I was getting the run around from CVS. It took six weeks of frustrating phone calls, documents being faxed to the WRONG PLACE (this error was on CVS end for giving my doctor’s office the wrong number). So I’ve waited and waited and waited and waited and waited to hear back something. Finally, today after getting a call back from one of the nurses she said to call CVS and see what’s going on. Apparently the Lupron has been ready since last week. Add that to growing list of frustrations. So it looks like I’ll get the shot on Wednesday. So here’s why I’m mad.

I was supposed to get this shot at the beginning of February…. six weeks ago. This is going to push out our timeline SIX WEEKS!!! If anyone knows me knows I have a type A personality. If someone tells me a projected time frame that is what we go with, there is no changing it and whatever obstacles come we get through them. However, this obstacle doesn’t have enough time. Now I don’t know what we are looking at. If I had to guess we’d beginning everything in July and go from there. It’s too late to me because I had this idea but as I am learning I am not in control here. I am at the mercy of time. Part of me is getting very tired and frustrated because this doesn’t just affect me, it affects Russell too. I just feel like I’m continuously failing him, us. I’m just so mentally exhausted by it all sometimes. Then I think of hard this journey is about to get. I mean think about it. Lupron turns me into a heat flashing, cry on the spot, irritated and menopausal person. She is no fun to be around. Then we go right into all the drugs. Birth control for one week, another Lupron for a week, and then the shots go in there somewhere. So at this point my body is really prepping itself to hold a baby(ies). Then the transfer and fingers crossed we are able to get pregnant that day.  And again, I have no idea when this will happen but that’s the order of how it will go because my favorite nurse explained it all out to me. I think that’s another aspect that I’m frustrated with is that we have been going down this path for so long and right now it just seems to be leading to no where. The last six weeks were a literal run around. I have wanted to scream, pull my hair out and cry.

I’m not even gonna lie either, today I had a why me day. Why can’t we just have one? What’s so wrong with wanting just one? I have tried making deals like if the Universe will grant us one crazy awesome miracle baby I won’t push for more. What’s wrong with wanting something that I’ve always wanted to be…a mother. Seeing my mother and how she raised us really impacted me. I also think when you are the product of divorced parents like I am, you almost have to grow up a little faster because mom needs help. I remember when my mom was going to night school, my little sister was a baby and my mom had me, Daniella, and Alex. Those were the times I had to step up and help my mom because she had to study. It was during that time that I found out my passion for wanting a family of my own one day. Then when Russell and first met and I mean just exchanged pleasantries, I knew he was the one. Did anyone else just get that feeling when you first met your significant other that they were going to be your forever? (Also, fun fact…before Russell and I started dating I made a few friends come stalk him with me! It was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done. That sounds horrible but I promise it was all in fun) Anyway, Russell and I would have deep conversations early on in our relationship. Because you have to remember that Russell and I were “dating” at first and getting to know each other before making things official. I remember one night we were talking on the phone and I asked him about having children. He said at a very young age he wanted to have a family. He saw his mom and dad kick ass at being teenage parents and he wanted the same. He just said he hadn’t found the right person to have children with. And as our conversations kept going he said he wanted a large family, 4 or 5 kids. I wanted the same! In a way I feel like I’m crushing his dream of becoming the father he always wanted to be. Infertility isn’t just a bitch to go through, infertility is heartbreaking. Infertility is emotional. Infertility is hard. Being an infertile woman in the prime of her life sucks. So today I say why me because in this moment our path seems to be going around in pointless circles.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

p.s. what have you done for endometriosis awareness month??

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How Stella Got her Groove Back…

Did you know that it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month? This month I hope to blog as much as possible about the stories of women with endo. I want to focus this month specifically on working with women and sharing their stories on how this disease has changed their life, for the good, the bad and the ugly.

Today’s story is about my friend and endo-sister Stella. Stella looks like a girl trying to live her dreams, however, Stella has a not so secret secret; she has endometriosis. Stella, like most women, had a very difficult time getting diagnosed. The doctor (whom shall remain nameless) diagnosed Stella as having stage one endometriosis Stella was told that she would have to have a laparoscopy in order to get her endometriosis under control. For any woman that hears the word “surgery” we get a little nervous and have a thousand questions.  We also need time to process what is going on, figure out how this is going to affect our every day lives and if surgery is really going to work, especially when the first time is always the scariest one because you don’t know the impact it will have on you and those around you. For Stella she became scared of the surgery and put it off for a little while. One day in 2016, while thinking about the surgery a huge pressure spike was happening her abdomen. What Stella was experiencing was a rupturing cyst that was leaking fluid into her abdomen. She was seen by the same OB but instead of being sympathetic to her situation and finding a treatment plan, she did the “I told you so routine” and kept making Stella feel guilty for wanting time to think about a major surgery. What most don’t know is that you sign an waiver when you get to the hospital. The doctors have no idea what they are going to find once they actually see what your uterus and surrounding areas look like. That waiver we sign is to giving them permission to remove parts of our reproductive systems if they will do harm to us in the future. I understand one hundred percent why someone would want time to weigh the pros and cons of the surgery. One month later Stella decided to have her first laparoscopy. During that first laparoscopy her OB found that the ovary with the ruptured cysts was adhered to her abdomen and she had found endometriosis in other areas of her body as well. At the time of this surgery she was diagnosed with stage 1 endometriosis. However, come to find out later she was misinformed by this OB and is now seeing a specialist who can help her get back on the right track and really figure out what stage she has. Knowing what stage you are prepares you for a lot. Each stage has different symptoms and each stage affects your body differently. If women want to preserve their eggs they need a way to figure out how to do that and when because the clock on having good eggs is running out and fast.

Stella has always known something was off with her cycle. Since she was 14 years old she thought, like the rest of us, that this is how a period is. She just lived with the best way she knew how and her best friend had the same symptoms so they had each other to go through this with. It wasn’t until the last few years when things started to escalate.

This disease takes a hold of everyone in your life and unfortunately some are not strong enough to stay with us. Often times when a woman is sick a lot, it can be hard for man. Not just because his needs aren’t being met but the needs the couple has aren’t being met. As a couple you have goals, dreams, and many milestones you hope to accomplish together. Stella thought she would have these things in her ex, but then things started to slowly change. At the beginning of her diagnosis her boyfriend was there for her. One of the things she said is that she had been incapacitated for three months before her first surgery. At the time her boyfriend was telling her he’d always be there for her and take care of her for the rest of their lives if he had to. He was that support guy who would be there for when she just needed a day filled with relaxing and binge watching their favorite shows on Netflix. But slowly a shift was taking place. She could feel it for a while and didn’t address anything right away. After all they were making plans to move in together and that’s a huge relationship step. That step means you are willing to make a commitment to be there for one another, in good times and in bad. Stella noticed things started to change after her first surgery; he would just not be be present and he wasn’t there as much and she had to force him into spending time together. Sadly, the shift in the relationship was too strong because in July when Stella started to do better after her second surgery, right before her birthday he broke it off. He was telling her a bunch of nonsense like excuses to get himself out. But the one thing he said that she’ll never forget is ” I can’t handle being with someone who has this kind of chronic health issue”.

The constant back, hip, and leg pain (which is common areas pain for women with endometriosis) were just too much to handle. After this last relationship Stella has put dating on hold.  A lot of times women with endometriosis are too tired to do normal things, let alone date. She has no sex drive, which is another common factor when having endometriosis. So for now dating is a no go. However, her friends  and family have been her constant. They are unconditionally supportive and understanding, although Stella’s been more isolated since her endometriosis seems to have escalated a bit. Stella’s self confidence has been affected as well. She feels like there’s something wrong with her, like her body is defective. This has a ripple effect because she has trouble going on and being social because of her self-esteem issues.  Throughout these highs and lows her family is there through it all. They are the biggest support for Stella and she doesn’t know what she would do without them. They are there for her in times when she needs them the most. To say she loves them and she’s grateful for them would be an understatement.

I wanted to share Stella’s story with you all because it’s profound. She has exhibited a fighter’s mentality and continues to fight every day for her happiness, health and peace of well being. Stella is an amazing woman who deserves nothing but the best. I know she has had some major trials throughout her endometriosis journey but she is going to come out the other side of this dark tunnel a winner. She will conquer all the goals and dreams she has and so much more. She has a huge and wonderful support system. She is beautiful, kind and thoughtful. Endometriosis doesn’t define her, it’s just apart of her. Stella is a warrior that continues to fight every day and I am grateful to know her.

 

Please remember it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month and if you have any questions regarding endo or want more facts please ask!

Until Next Time

xoxo

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What Are The Odds?

“Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart that you’re meant to do”.

 

Can we talk about the failed IUI’s we went through last year? For some reason they are on my mind. I’ve been thinking of why we aren’t pregnant yet. For those that are new to my blog I’m very anal retentive and I want things to happen the day I manifest a dream, or want something. I think back to that awful process of going into the room and going through all these steps while Dr. Karnitis administers the sperm as far in my uterus he could. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. Five minutes later I left the office and the dreaded two week wait began. But I feel like I am living a permanent two week wait. I have ovulation tests and pregnancy tests in bulk. Each month I know when we should have an idea or time frame we should try. When I start my period I know there isn’t a point to taking a test because my cycle started. Each time that has happened I just try to hide as much as possible.  I am continually going through a two week wait because after we try I try really hard to stay organized and busy because if I don’t I just wonder if every little symptom could  make me think I was pregnant. But waiting on the Lupron has been the worst waiting game. We all know I hate this medication but it’s my only option if we want to move forward with IVF. Once the injection happens I’ll be doing a 90 day countdown to finally begin IVF. We are getting there. We are getting so close but we are still so far away. I need to apply for the scholarships and grants. I know that things aren’t going to go the way I plan but I just hope we’ll be able to have children. I can tell you the yearning I have for a child continuously grows.  But one day, 90-ish, to be exact we start our IVF journey. Maybe I’m just in a funk because I’m having a flare up and I’m exhausted but I just have to keep pushing. The quote at the beginning is to help me see the big picture. When we first walked into Kettering Reproductive Helath, they said it would nearly impossible for me to bear a child. But at our last visit Dr. Karnitis said my AMH levels are very low but with all the meds my body is slowly improving and I’m hopeful that we’ll be able to have a few babies, freeze a few more and be able to have more children. I have a plan but as I’ve learned over the last two I’m going to go with the flow and work on my perfectionist personality. There are so many things I’m scare of and so many things I’d love to share bu right now I’m exhausted.

Until Next Tine

Angelica

 

Also, linked below is a girl I follow on Youtube, Instagram and Facebook. Her name is Carissa. She struggles with infertility. I’m glad to know I can watch her videos and completely 100% understand how she feels and what she is going though. We’re both in a club that we had no intention of joining and I wish I could change that for the both of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Simply annoyed

Can I just tell you all how annoyed I am? Because I am truly irritated. This may sound crazy but I really want to work with a different nurse during our IVF journey. So let me explain.

Russell and I had our IVF consultation about a month ago. We sat with Dr. Karnitis and talked for about two hours about our journey and when things would take place. After that a nurse came in (and I’m not going to name her) and asked if we had questions. Russell is always so good about asking the right questions because in situations like that I freeze because I’m so overwhelmed. He’s asking questions and the nurse was giving the most standard answers ever. Like it seemed like she was really uncomfortable being there. After him asking a few more questions she said she would see me back when my Lupron came in. I’ve gone about life for the last month being miserable. They’ve also added two more medications to my list of things to take in order for us to have an even higher chance of creating healthier eggs. However, one of the meds has made me so sick. To the point that I wasn’t able to eat for days and the nausea was so bad. I called the office to talk with someone and the same nurse called me back and it was the worst conversation ever. I was telling her what was going on and she offered advice that I didn’t think was appropriate for my situation. She told me to break the pills in half and see how I feel the next day. That’s a hard pass from me. I won’t do it because I like being able to eat and function. I also had a few migraines during that time and I’m not willing to do anything that will increase my migraines at all. After I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that there was a long pause on the phone. I mean it was so quiet for so long that I said “hello?”. She said I’m still here. When I got off the phone with her I told Russell when I get my Lupron shot I’m asking to work with someone else. Now my mom (who is a nurse) said I should be patient because she could be new. I get that some people need to find their niche and get used to their new job but I feel like she should be able to have a better conversation.

Now some of you are probably thinking why does it matter and you’re being a little too high maintenance right now. However, I feel like I should be working with someone I have a connection with. Several other nurses there are amazing and I wish they worked on the IVF side of things but they don’t. We are spending so much money, so much so that I want to work with someone I know is going to handle everything right. For some reason the vibe isn’t right and I refuse to work with someone that can’t have a simple conversation with me. I just don’t feel like she’s the person I should be working with. I have no idea how I’m going to word that without sounding like a crazy person but it’s a gut feeling and I trust my gut. I hope this makes sense because in mind it does but when I say it out loud I sound a little nutty. But my future children are at stake here and I want to make sure every detail is perfect. We haven’t come this far to fail. I know I can’t predict how IVF is going to go but I just have a feeling that we’ll be able to have a baby(ies) next year.

As always please continue to send all the positive vibes and thoughts our way because May is quickly approaching and I’m getting more and more excited!

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

 

Also check out the little words project because their jewelry is amazing and their mission is even better. https://littlewordsproject.com

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Patience is a Virtue

“Good relationships are not just about the good times we share; they’re also about the obstacles you go through together and the fact that you still say ‘I love you’ at the end” ——-Unknown

I’ve been finding quotes that I think go along with the topic I’ve chosen for my blog post. I posted last week about grief and the quote chosen just spoke to me, just like this quote does. I chose this quote because I wanted to talk about my husband, Russell in this post, so this one is dedicated to you babe!

Russell and I met in October 2007 and began dating in July 2008. So we are coming up on our 10 year anniversary! Where the heck has the time gone? He has been with me through my awful migraine days when I can’t get out of bed or look at any lights or hear sounds because it makes things worse. He has cleaned up more vomit than I’d care to admit and he has been amazingly patient and positive during this hard time in our lives. When you find out you have an incurable disease you want to curl up and cry. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had my fair share of coming home crying because the answers to my questions from my doctors were not what I wanted to hear. He would also hold me while my face is buried in chest sobbing. He picked up when after two rounds of Clomid and two negative pregnancy tests devastated me he was there to snuggle me and tell me everything would be okay. He even told me that after two failed IUI’s we’d be just fine and we’ll have a family before we know it. I mean honestly, does it get any better than this????

The quote above talks about how relationships need to evolve and grow. Having a disease that is unpredictable can be hard. It’s hard to make plans and do things because I could flair up and down and out for hours or just minutes…you just know with endo. I remember last year Russell and I were on our way to a Reds game and my lower back started hurting really bad. I thought to myself while I was getting dressed that everything would be okay and I could make it because that was our date night! We didn’t even get to highway before we had to turn around and go back home because I couldn’t take the pain. I started to get upset because I ruined date night. There was another incident at Fleming’s about a year ago. We were having our monthly date night and I was feeling so bad. I didn’t way much and boxed my food. At the time I was taking all the medications and they were making me feel sick. Russell picked up that I wasn’t feeling well and asked for our food to be boxed so he could take me home. It was the sweetest gesture because to me that’s an example of chivalry. ( #chivalryisnotdead) One last incident where I wasn’t feeling well we were at dinner at Carvers. Now this was probably a year and half ago. I started to feel like I was getting a migraine but I took my imitrex in hopes that it would work before we left for dinner. Not really. The music, lights, all the noise…I thought  my head was going to explode. We ordered food because I thought I needed something to keep my hydrated and something to coat my stomach and get back to normal. As dinner progressed I have to excuse myself a few times to the ladies room because I was throwing up. Once Russell saw my face he said we were going home and he would save my dinner for tomorrow. He finished eating at home.

I never thought I’d be married to such a great man. He is the calm to my crazy and the light on my bad days. Today I had a bad day and there he was taking care of me like usual. I love this man so much and can’t wait for the day I can give him some babies to love on!

Until Next Time

xoxo

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PGS Testing–Should we or shouldn’t we??

I wouldn’t be able to end the week properly without some sort of post and the usual me complaining about my pain levels. I worked a shifted that literally kicked my ass and I feel like I won’t fully recover from this shift until Monday. Then another long week since its Valentines’ week. So by next Saturday I can’t imagine how I’ll be feeling. Until then let’s chat.

“No matter how tough and scary the storms get, you will make it through” –unknown

This quote is rather fitting because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of the what if’s are popping up too. Ya know just the other day I was wondering what the next three months with a cycle and Lupron would be like. Would I end up coming out of that end a loser or a winner? Now, this situation is never going to happen because my Lupron has been approved by insurance and will arrive within the next week. So bring on the countdown to when I can feel back to normal and we start our IVF stuff. I’m not gonna lie I’m a little scared. This entire process is terrifying. I’ll never forget sitting in Dr. Karnitis’ office and he explained the entire procedure to use. It made me feel a little scared I don’t know how many embryos we’ll be able to freeze after they implant the number we do want. Then I don’t know if they’ll make it to stick. From there will they split? Will they remain their single bodied selves waiting to grow. I’m literally wondering right now where baby stuff would fit into my house. (I have officially lost my mind) And I can honestly tell you it’s things like that that are bothering me. Yes, I’m going to have to give myself shots in my belly, but remember I’ve done that twice before and I know it burns.

So here’s the one thing I’m not so sure about. There is a process when the embryos are made and are getting ready to come back into my body. Do we test them? Or do we go with my gut and not do it? The test is a PGS, preimplantation genetic screening. Refers to removing one or more cells from an embryo to test for chromosomal normalcy. I struggle with this because I do believe in a high power of the universe. I believe this higher being to be in control of my babies. My Reiki specialist has had dreams of my grandmother holding the souls of my daughters until they are ready to come live with us! I believe in the spiritual power and one that you try not to “fix”. However, if we have to go to these lengths to have a baby why not take the chance? Taking one cell out of the embryo won’t change them in any way. I guess I need to do more research and consult our doctor because everything has be finalized before May arrives. And I just realized May is going to creep up very quickly, after Valentines day we basically have one week left in February, then its March and we are talking about Endometriosis Awareness Month, and celebrating St. Patty’s Day. Then it’s April where we play tricks on people because its hilarious and singing April Showers Bring May Flowers. Then before you know it youre that person singing that song in MAY!

I would appreciate all the love and positive thoughts, feelings and hugs our way. The journey isn’t over yet…it has only just begun

Until Next Time

xoxoxoxo

 

 

babies, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Grief

Hello! Hello! Hello! Welcome to this week’s edition of I have endometriosis and we are no closer to finding a cure and we still do not have proper drinking water in Flint. All I’m saying here before getting into my blog is that some things take a while to figure out, however, the water situation is what worries me because I feel like there should have been able to come up with a  solution on it but instead we never hear about it. Any who, let’s jump right into this weeks topic: grief.

“Infertility is a loss of a dream. It’s the loss of an assumed future. And, like every loss, it will be grieved.” –Unknown

Today I grieved. I grieved alone because sometimes that’s what is best for me in the moment. I don’t always grieve alone but if I need to talk to Russell he is there and so are my friends. Without them as my shoulders to cry on I would have completely gone insane by now. Today started out just fine. I always get up last because Russell goes to work so early so I get to sleep in on my days off, which by the way is amazing, and I’m very thankful he lets me get the rest I need. I know he’s gone to work because he’ll give me soft kiss on the forehead and say I love you. Then off he goes. The girls and I get an extra hour and two to rest. Now I don’t always fall back asleep so we may catch up on Housewives, Scandal, HTGAWM, or put on a movie. After we are ready to get our morning going I feed the girls, brush my teeth, decide if I’m going to look like a crazy person or just a normal person with bad style. Today I opted for a pair of shorts with a sweatshirt (which I’ve always hated!) And for those that know anyone with endometriosis just getting dressed sometimes is a HUGE accomplishment. I don’t check my phone right away just because I know I’m going to have check my email and of course who can resist getting on their phone and NOT checking Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat? No one. I’m sitting down at my surface getting ready to see what happened since the Superbowl ended and it came out today that Matt Patricia is coming the Detroit Lions as our 43rd head coach! Can’t wait for a great year and hopefully some deep playoff runs and maybe a Superbowl?? Anyway, I’m super off topic now. So I’m scrolling through Insta and see that Kylie just gave birth to a girl (reportedly her name is Butterfly and I really hope its a joke). Then another news cycle posted a photo of Kylie and Khloe pregnant together. Then I see Chrissy Teigen and her adorable bump. Then I see Kelly Stafford with her twin girls. Lastly, I saw Tia Mowry-Hardrict flaunting that beautiful bump and more glowing than I’ve ever seen. And ya know Jessie James Decker and all her perfect bump pics just take the cake. I know Chrissy and Tia know what it’s like to have infertility issues. I just hope that each of these women understand what women like me feel like. I’m not sure how many people saw it but I posted on Instagram some thoughts that were running through my head. I was holding back tears like a pro and couldn’t believe I did it. This journey is so hard. I beat myself up daily about anything and everything. For instance, Russell and I were watching Tin Cup, one of our favorites, and he saw a shirt that Rene Russo happened to be wearing and it’s ironically back in style. He said you’d look so cute in that. I appreciated the compliment but I was like no I tried on something similar but it just made me look fatter than I already do. Of course being my husband he rolled his eyes. I’m self conscious, I hate the way my body looks, I’m terrified if I have to get in a bikini, I can’t wear crop tops because they hug the parts of my body that I don’t want accentuated. Today I realized I’ve lost myself. I feel like I’m asking for help but people are too busy to answer or call back. Most of my friends have kids so I understand they have to be home for them. My other best friend is in the middle of wedding planning and I know how much fun that was so I’m trying to allow her to focus on herself and her day.

One more quick story about how my day was just reminded of infertility and what steps you go through to get pregnant. We watch a show called the Good Doctor on ABC. It is phenomenal. One couple who is in their 40’s are trying to get pregnant but they can’t because there is an abnormality and they need another test. The husband starts blaming his wife for waiting too long because she wanted to open her own business and earlier he was traveling and teaching so they had no time. Plus, she made the point she was going to go raise a child with a nanny. When they went back to the doctor she said I’m sorry but your semen analysis shows a low count. I kind of had a feeling it was him because some men had more infertility problems than we can think of. During the couples  visit they were using terms only a couple who has gone to an reproductive endocrinologist would know those terms. I rattled off 10 terms and Russell was like they said everything we’re about to do. The only thing they didn’t mention was the Clomid and Ovidrel shots. Again, two not so fun medications. I turned to look at Russell and I said I feel their heartache and they’re just actors. But I feel them because we are living with this. He said I know but each day is going to be better than the last. I’m very grateful for him and hope that I can repay him for taking such great care of me the last few years that I’ve been sick.

So this brings me to my final point about being able to grieve. Several friends have said it’s okay to not be okay. The first time I hear that I was like who says that? I’ve realized I can only take so much. Some days are better than others but today was just hard. That feeling I have to be a mother crept back in and doesn’t want to leave. Part of me doesn’t ever want it to leave. May seems so far away but I hope these next few months can fly by so we can get this show on the road.

Until Next Time

xoxoxoxo