Daydreaming — February 23, 2017

Daydreaming

In my last blog I touched on how endometriosis changes a woman. I was scrolling through facebook today and came across an article from a page I follow called ‘Waiting for Baby Bird’. (Link is attached –https://waitingforbabybird.com/2017/02/21/an-open-letter-to-my-friend-struggling-with-infertility/)

If you don’t have time to read the article please make time. This blog hits home what every woman who suffers from infertility needs to read. It’s beautiful and brave in a way that speaks volumes. I wish there were more people like this in my life. I feel right now that a lot of people have been judging me for the decisions I have or have not made in the past. Some of these decisions resulting in friendships that are strained. Unfortunately, this is the side of infertility that I need support in. This article highlights what we need in those moments of darkness.

I had several moments of darkness and light this week. It started with our appointment on Monday. Our doctor is a very nice man who said we have a few options. We are making decisions on what is going to be best for us and taking everything one day at a time. My time of darkness came when he told me I have a 5x5x4.5 cm endometrioma inside my ovary. *WARNING: it’s about to get a bit graphic* Each month a woman has her period the lining of the uterus is shed along with the blood. When woman who have endometriosis have a period the lining of the uterus gets stuck on other parts of the body, such as the fallopian tubes, organs, where ever. Once the lining gets stuck to other organs it can’t be removed without surgery. Each month this happens. Well for me the lining of my uterus was shedding and going back into my ovary. At the same time that was happening blood was going back into my ovary and got trapped inside the lining causing a cyst that is not able to be removed. My endometrioma is more than 2 times the size of an ovary and for me I only have half an ovary so its pretty big. It is not able to be removed because the endometrioma is stuck inside my ovary with all my eggs. Removing the cyst would mean removing my eggs and that’s a risk I’m not taking. My endometrioma (otherwise known as chocolate cysts) will remain inside my ovary until it goes away on its own. If it doesn’t I’ll have to wait until after we are done having children to remove it. That was my dark moment of the week. I never would have guess that things looked worse than they were. I thought I was getting better but this feels a setback. However, thank goodness for Russell and his positive uplifting words. I am beyond thankful for him because he has been praying for us and our journey towards having a baby for a long time. Hearing him talk about how we are going to rearrange our home for a nursery gives me butterflies. I can’t wait for the day we get to experience it all…until then more daydreaming.

Until next time,

xoxo

How Endometriosis Changes You — February 14, 2017

How Endometriosis Changes You

Every young girl imagines how her future is going to be. She is going to meet a guy (whether its their high or college sweetheart), fall in love, get married and have a family. I know that was me. I also had a super huge wedding planned in a church but we all know that changed (and definitely for the better!).

One year ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had had some really bad periods but like I’ve said in previous blogs I just thought it was normal and kept going. Then slowly but surely it became harder and harder to do things, simple things, like working out and walking around the block. That’s when I went to see my OB and we scheduled my first laprascopy. The rest is history. This past year has changed everything. I have had to put my life on hold to make sure I am healthy enough to do activities. What you don’t know is that I was hurting on my honeymoon in Hawaii. I didn’t tell Russell because those 16 days were the most magical and I was damn sure not going to let that get in the way. But here’s how endometriosis has really changed me. I don’t see anyone. I don’t go to lunch. I don’t go shopping. I don’t because I can’t. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning without feeling some kind of pain. If you don’t have this disease it’s very hard to explain what the pain is like to others who don’t have it. It’s hard to explain that sitting on my couch with my hot hugs heating pad and resting is all I can do right now. I can go out occasionally for date night but I want to do those things because it helps strengthen my marriage. Also, Russell has been there through this entire journey and he has seen first hand what I am going through, so he’s really the only one I can count on to be there 100% of the time (besides my parents and siblings).

Endometriosis has taught me that you need to be thankful if you can get pregnant easily because for those of us that can’t, it’s more than challenging. Endometriosis challenges your mental state, your emotional state and your physical strength. I have had moments where I thought I’d never come out of being sad, angry and depressed. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be around babies without crying. But what endometriosis has given me is the strength to talk about my feelings. I started this blog because I wanted people to know what websites don’t tell you. The amount of weight I gained and lost and gained again because of the hormones was awful. Endometriosis has taught me that I’m a fighter. Marcano’s fight to achieve a goal and I even though my last name is now Young, the Marcano in me keeps me fighting for a baby.

As I write this blog now I am staring at the paperwork that will get us started on our IVF Journey next Monday. This new chapter is daunting. The paper work seems like a mountain to climb. I am scared. I am nervous. I am anxious. I am feeling so many emotions that it’s hard to write them down. What endometriosis has taught me most is patience and faith. I have to have faith in order for this to work. I also have to have the patience to get from one appointment to another.

Endometriosis has changed me. Endometriosis has given me a voice I never thought I’d have. Endometriosis is scary and at times it seems impossible to get through, however, with Russell by my side I know I can do all things I set my mind to. I am hopeful that 2017 will bring a pregnancy and healthy baby into the world.

I appreciate all of you how continue to follow my journey and keep up with what is going on. I appreciate you more than you know. Your positive thoughts, words of encouragement and thoughtfulness mean more to me than you’ll ever know!

Until next time,

xoxox

I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8 — February 6, 2017

I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8

 

What runs through your mind when you are doing something that scares you? Do you think about how the actions you are about to take are going to affect you? That’s exactly how I felt when I started this blog. I was scared, not because I didn’t want to share my story but because I was afraid of being judged. In previous blog entries I’ve explained the criticism I’ve received for sharing my journey, posting pictures of my belly and being too open. I know I am open and brutally honest. But I don’t think we are truly educating women and others who don’t have this disease if we aren’t open.

I can tell you I just had my fourth surgery. And it was by far the worst surgery I have had so far. I knew something was wrong around the holidays but waited to see my OB/GYN. I went through the usual routine and scheduled surgery. Come to find out my pelvis and uterus were”frozen” together, meaning they were connected with scar tissues and enveloped in it, not to mention my uterus is very tilted. I also had the usual scar tissue close to my fallopian tube and several cysts on my ovary. Needless to say, recovery has been hard. I’ve been more sore, bloated and tired than I can remember being with the last three surgeries. My OB/GYN put a “glove” around my fallopian tube and was able to extensively clean my ovary and put me back together.

But as I lay in the hospital bed right after surgery I couldn’t help but ask why me? Why do I have this disease? Why do I have to go through this? Why was I chosen to have something there is no cure for? All of those questions and more started creeping in. I wondered if I’d ever be a mother; something I’ve wanted ever since I can remember. Will I be able to give my husband a child; something I know he wants desperately. It’s easy for me to say I’m sorry I’m broken. I’m sorry I’m not whole. I say those things because I really mean them.I am sorry my husband has to go through this with me because he should have a wife that is able to give him such a special gift. I laid there that night in the hospital thinking about what I could do differently. I have never been overly religious so I’m not sure that’s the route I want to take. However, in this moment of laying in the dark, I had this vision of being a mother. And more importantly I had a vision of me being pregnant and raising this beautiful human. I was reminded that night that I have to have faith. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t have a bad day and cry but I can’t stay there. I can allow myself an hour to wallow and say why me over and over and over but after that time period I need to pick myself up by my big girl panties and figure out how to be a better me.

The point of my blogs is to always share the heartache I feel going through this. Just this week I was waiting on a table that asked me what was taking me so long to have children. I didn’t have words this person and before the tears could fall down my face I walked away. I struggle every day with this disease, some days more than others but I still struggle. I’m currently resting every chance I get because when I don’t I get very bloated, crampy and my back feels like it’s on fire.

Slowly but surely I am learning that I’m not alone. That this is going to be an uphill battle and I have to climb it and own my disease like the queen I am. I also have to have that same queen mentality when things don’t go according to plan. And if there’s anything positive that’s come out of this journey it’s that I’m finding my purpose. I am wanting to fight for women like me. Why should a woman going through endometriosis and other reproductive health issues have the burden of paying for everything out of pocket? Why can’t insurance companies help more? I am finding my voice, something that was missing or lost. I know I may share too much for some but for others I know this is education so I thank you. Thank you for your prayers, guidance, love, and support. But mostly, thank you for allowing me to find a topic that burns a fire through my soul because some way, some how there will be other women sharing their stories. Writing is a way for us to say please love us and support us and be there through the good, the bad and the ugly.

I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8.

 

Until Next time

xoxoxox

 

 

Merry Christmas! — December 23, 2016

Merry Christmas!

“Blessed is she who has believed the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” Luke 1:45

 

I saw this beautiful quote on Waiting for Baby Bird’s facebook page. She recently posted about what it feels like to deal with infertility during the holidays. She reminded us that Christmas is about the birth of Hope. This really resonated with me. If endometriosis has taught me anything this past 10 months it’s that you have to have hope. Hope for what the future holds and hope that your dreams will one day come true. Infertility isn’t easy. Each day is a challenge because a woman never knows what’s going to upset her. It could be passing a specific onesie or holding a friends baby. It could be the simple yearning you feel that day that’s stronger than normal. There are so many things that we are sensitive to that many don’t realize, however, we manage to keep going.

Infertility is hard. Infertility brings more questions than answers and having hope during a difficult time can be calming. Hope is for the dark days that seem like they aren’t going to end. Hope is wanting to find a cure for the 1 in 8 women who have to go through this and experience the pain endometriosis brings. Hope is one day knowing, that with the right timing, a baby will be placed in your arms and one day you’ll be called mommy. Hoping for the family that you have always wanted is normal. My husband and I are trying for a baby and while we only have a 5% chance of conceiving on our own, I’ll take it because it’s not 0. 0 means there is not hope. 5% means there still is hope. This year has created a fire in my soul to fight for what I want, no matter how difficult it is. Infertility is knowing you are going to go through hell and back but come out a better, stronger person. This Christmas I hope you have hope for your future. I know the women struggling to conceive are having a hard time right now. They aren’t able to put a baby in a “My first Christmas” onesie, wait hours in line to meet Santa, or experience what their friends or siblings get to but one day they will. I have hope for them. I know they are strong and can get through anything.

To the 1 in 8 women I know struggle with infertility, you aren’t alone. I know it feels like that but you aren’t. Look forward to beautiful future that lies ahead. Miracles come from hope and hope comes from within. Believe in yourself and your journey and you’ll go where your heart takes you.

Merry Christmas

xoxo

I choose My Right — December 8, 2016

I choose My Right

As if 2016 couldn’t get any worse. First we elect a man who isn’t fit to be a President, then Ohio’s Governor thinks he can somehow pass legislation to make it illegal for any woman to get an abortion at 6 weeks. Do you know what could happen in 6 weeks?! A lot. For any man reading this do you understand that the majority of women who have a period don’t have a “normal” cycle, meaning their periods don’t come exactly every 28 days. Some women skip periods for months at a time and  then one day they get their period again. Some women even get more than one period a month. So here’s my open letter to our governor who needs to hear from a woman on a woman’s issue.

Dear Governor Kasich,

I am writing you this letter to let you know that your “Heartbeat Bill” isn’t such a great idea. Women in the state of Ohio (and across the country) should not be told what to do with their bodies, especially not by men who aren’t doctors. Women get pregnant every day in our state. Some women are trying and some women aren’t. There are also women who are having protected sex and still somehow get pregnant because contraception isn’t 100% effective. When you look at why women get abortions there are plenty of reasons. Some women get abortions because they know their babies are going to have problems, their baby won’t make it the entire 9 months and will be still born, personal reasons, etc. There are a hundreds of thousands of reasons women decide to get abortions. But ya know what, its their decision. A woman has to choose what she’ll do when she finds out she’s pregnant, which usually isn’t until at least week 8 or later. And here’s my other issue with your bill. You and your fellow cronies want women to have the babies they are pregnant with but you don’t want to help support them when women ask for help. When a woman has to ask for government assistance because they are raising a baby with a minimum wage job that barely covers the bills, you and your government turn your noses up at them like they are useless and not contributing to society. Our state and government needs to come up with a better way for women who are having babies to get the help they need without being judged. Asking for help with formula, diapers, etc., should not be a bad thing when a woman decides to keep the baby she is pregnant with. Why are food stamps, WIC and other government assistant programs frowned upon but you want every woman to keep their unborn children. You sir, can’t have it both ways. If you want women to keep their babies, you should be able to have the funding and programs to help. Otherwise, you need to mind your own business. Women get pregnant for all kinds of reasons and some of the reasons are deplorable. If this bill passes women will still find ways to have an abortion, only this way it will be illegal and could result in more than just an abortion, but a death with the woman carrying the baby. Taking away a right isn’t going to stop abortions from happening. Governor Kasich, you nor anyone in Senate should NOT be making decision regarding women’s health or reproductive rights. A woman should ALWAYS have the right to choose. I stand behind Roe vs Wade and will continue to support women when they have to make decisions, such as getting an abortion. If you want to make 2016 suck a little less than it already has, you won’t pass this bill.

Sincerely,

A woman who will forever and always stand by her right to choose

Do you believe in miracles? — November 20, 2016

Do you believe in miracles?

The title of this blog is going to be very important as you will come to see. Miracles happen every day. I remember the morning that my mami (grandmother) past away. It was around this time in January and for some odd reason I woke up out of a deep sleep. I learned later that day that not only myself and my mother, but my aunt who was living in New York at the time both woke up at the exact same time. I truly believe it was her way of saying goodbye to me, or rather thank you for driving my mom to Indianapolis to catch a flight to be with mami. I’m telling you this because events like that have not happened in my life.

However, in my last blog post I was up a few hours earlier than this one, writing a blog about my pain and how ready for Hawaii Russell and I were. Well I can tell you that our experience in Hawaii was beyond magical. We spent 16 blissful days doing whatever we wanted, hitting the re-set button and spending more quality time together than we ever had in our entire 8 year relationship. We both can most definitely agree that the best part of the trip was getting married. Being able to have such an intimate wedding was very important to us. Our wedding and our vows were for us, to bond us closer together and unite us as one. I can tell you all it was much needed and we will remember this trip for the rest of our lives.

It’s been a little over a month since my last blog. I realized in Hawaii that I also needed a break from technology. Being away in a place that is so laid back where you don’t have to be anywhere at a specific time and everyone is just so relaxed really is such a nice getaway. I also realized in Hawaii that anything can happen as long as you believe in it. Now I know that some of you reading this are going to think I’m crazy or too optimistic, however, I truly believe we can have a baby. I have been having these dreams lately where I am holding my baby after birth. Each time I see Russell and our Doula and I hear this cry. A cry of love; a welcoming sound into the world. I should probably tell you all why I believe I have been having these dreams. My hairstylist, Jessica is a very important person to me. She and I met several years ago when she started doing Mary Kay. She has this presence that when she walks into a room you want to know who she is. She draws people in and I immediately felt a connection to her. Little did I know she would be doing my hair and we would be connecting on a whole nother level! Jessica has always been passionate about what she does, which is hair, and I sure am glad she does mine otherwise it would look like a hot mess. Anyway, earlier this year around the time of all my surgeries she felt this heaviness about me. I knew what it was but didn’t want to admit it and she said the words I wasn’t ready to hear (but I knew I needed to hear them from someone other than my doctor and myself) “You’re body is telling you it isn’t ready to have a baby”. You see I was willing to get pregnant before we left for Hawaii because that’s how badly I want a baby. So Jessica started practicing reiki (which I had never heard of before she told me what it was). She had me a do a little ceremony to open myself up to the universe. I have always believed that if you connect yourself with the universe, center your soul and truly believe that against all odds anything is possible, your dreams will come true. The first time she wanted me to do a ritual I asked Russell to do it with me. He was willing and we stood under this beautiful full moon and asked the universe to bless us with a baby. After the first ritual I felt a very calm feeling almost like I had just got done with yoga. Then she asked permission to do reiki when she felt necessary but wherever she was. Of course I said yes! Russell and I have done two rituals so far. Both very intimate and to save the intimacy I won’t go into detail of what we do but it is very special.

What I will say is Jessica is an empath. She knows exactly what I’m feeling and when. Just the other day she sent me a text asking how I was feeling because she felt that I was feeling heavy, sad. She encourages me to keep going. She gives me advice when I need it. She believes in miracles. The point of my blog is not to keep reminding you that I have endometriosis. It’s to remind you that the journey to becoming a mother is not always easy. For some yes it’s easy peasy lemon squeezy. However, for 1 in 8 women it’s not. It’s years of pain, multiple surgeries, heartbreak and sometimes loss. The point of this entire blog is to show you the good, the bad, the ugly and the happy. Having this disease is difficult because as a woman you feel robbed and don’t understand why you have this. I am sharing my story with you all because often times women don’t have someone who wants to be as open with their journey. I am not afraid to show you what my belly looks like now, what appointment I had and what everything means going forward. I am grateful for the support system I have because without them I wouldn’t be where I am today. Two months ago I was told that I have a less than 5% chance of conceiving on my own. Because of Russell and his undying love for me and to Jessica for continually working with me and connecting us more with the universe, I truly believe we will witness a miracle.

Until next time

xoxo

Is It Hawaii Time Yet? — October 14, 2016

Is It Hawaii Time Yet?

I can’t begin to tell you all how ready for Hawaii Russell and I are. More than ever we need a break from every day life. Not that we don’t love everyone in it but sometimes you just need to hit the reset button. And after 8 years, a ton of hard work and no vacation, we’re hitting our wall. There are still some things that need to be finalized and ordered but the main and important things are finished. Yay for that.

BUT this endometriosis is bound and determined to knock me down. I’m writing a blog post at almost 2am because I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep. I was so nauseated earlier I couldn’t eat dinner. Days like today make me feel trapped. I’m 27 I shouldn’t be going through this. I shouldn’t be hurting so bad I can’t function. And by not functioning I mean the pain is so bad I can hardly walk to the bathroom. It hurts to go to the bathroom and all I can do is lay in the fetal position. I have my hot hugs, thanks to my amazing and wonderful endo-sister and best friend Erin. If you don’t have a hot hugs you should totally get one! They are heating pads but are teddy bears so you have something to hold or squeeze until the pain eases up. I haven’t gotten sick (yet) but I’m sure that’s going to be coming soon. I am keeping myself hydrated and trying to remain calm and breathe through the pain. That’s the one thing my OB told me, not breathing through a cramp is a bad thing and will keep me tense, therefore giving me more pain. So basically I sound like a woman in labor when it gets this bad. And I’m beginning to wonder if this pain is as bad as going into labor.

I’m not sure if I said this in my last blog but, I’ve gotten a lot of negative feedback on how I am presenting my disease. This disease isn’t pretty (what disease is??) and it isn’t talked about unless you have it. I had no idea I had endometriosis until February. By that point it was almost too late. If my OB hadn’t have caught it I most likely wouldn’t have the tube and ovary I still have. I want you all to know I am not sharing my story to get sympathy from you. I am sharing my story and what I go through to show you what living with this disease is like. I can’t do simple exercises, like going on walks or hiking, because of the amount of pain I am in afterwards. I can’t walk around for long periods of time without being in pain (going back to serving has caused lots of pain) and the list goes on.

But the worst part about having this disease was having to look at Russell right after I had surgery #2 (when my left side was removed) and tell him I may never be able to give him a child. I am not sure how many of you women would be able to do that but I cry all the time with that worry. But when I was getting my hair done I was talking to my stylist Jessica. She has brought so much healing to my life and I am so grateful for her. When I am around her I feel so much positive energy and I know she is giving me her optimism, and so is Russell. Because of them, as well as, my other friends and family rallying behind me, I truly believe one day I’ll be telling Russell we’re having a baby and we did it on our own.

Early last month I was thinking about why I made my IVF appointment. To be honest, I was scared and thought I didn’t have enough chance with a 5% functioning system. I thought I didn’t have what it takes. Basically, I didn’t believe in myself. I let someone overtake my thoughts and emotions. I let the negative creep in. Obviously, this is going to happen to everyone and I’m not perfect so it does happen. But when I surrender my thoughts and center myself I know I can make a miracle happen. Miracles happen every day, so why would I think my 5% chance isn’t good enough? I also know 5% isn’t a lot but it’s better than 0%. I can’t tell you all how overwhelming, emotionally draining, and physically exhausting this journey has been and continues to be. I also can’t tell you all how much having Russell here and having his support means to me. Not all men would be able to go through this. He has gone through this with me. He has seen me at my worst and picked me up and been my rock. There were so many appointments that I’d come home crying from because the news was never good. If I was going through this alone, I have no idea what I’d do. The best thing I’ve received through this journey is that he prays for me. My fiance prays for me and us and that means so much to me. I know he is worried and stressed and wonders about what could happen, even though I know he tries not to. I love him now more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. I hope every woman going through this has a man that stands by them and supports them unconditionally. This has been the biggest and most challenging part of my life.

So here’s to hoping my endometriosis will let me enjoy two solid weeks in Hawaii, away from the hustle and bustle of every day life. We will for sure be slowing down and taking our time with everything and enjoying being in the moment with one another. As always, if you know someone who is going through infertility or has endometriosis or is going through the IVF process please give her a hug and let her know you’re there, it means more than you know.

Until Next Time,

xoxo

Invisible Illness Awareness Week — September 28, 2016

Invisible Illness Awareness Week

Starting on September 26 and going through October 2, it is considered invisible illness awareness week. I am all for bringing awareness to invisible illnesses, especially when it comes to my own, however, I think every day we should be aware that there are invisible illnesses. I know many of my friends who suffer from invisible illnesses. Not only do we suffer but our loved ones suffer because they are going through this journey with us. For me personally, I have 2 invisible illnesses. I have endometriosis, which I have to battle every day because of pain, as well as, chronic migraines. I have had migraines since I was 12 and hate them more than anyone can understand. I am allergic to certain foods that I love because they’ll trigger a migraine. For example, I can’t eat Chinese food because it’s got too much MSG and I’ll get very sick. I can’t eat any lunch meat, have to watch my dairy intake, can’t have a lot of caffeine (which means decaf coffee– so not the same), and a plethora of other things, including not being out in the heat for long periods of time. When I do get a migraine, it’s over. I am laid up in bed for hours, if not days at a time. I can’t see straight, my head hurts so bad it feels like I’m being hit in the head with a sledge hammer, my senses are off. I can’t take taste anything and can’t eat because my body won’t let me. My ears ring and my head throbs. The only thing I can do is lay in bed in the complete dark with a fan on to drown out the noise. This goes on for a few hours or a few days. It is one of the worst things a person can go through. Not to mention I get really ill, like throwing up and not being able to hold liquids down, which is a lose-lose situation because if I’m throwing up I can’t take my medicine to try to help me feel better.

We all know my battle with endometriosis. I was diagnosed this year but have been suffering from this disease much longer. I just found out that many women who have endometriosis don’t get diagnosed until they have been suffering anywhere from 8-10 years. This stat sounds right to me only based on what I’ve experienced. You all know through my blogs that my periods have been awful. I mean my lower stomach cramps so badly that I can’t walk, my lower back hurts so bad it hurts to bend over, my ovaries throb (or rather my ovary) and it just feels best to lay on the couch or in bed with my heating pad on my belly. I’ve had three surgeries this year to try to help me. All the surgeries resulting in scars on my belly and a new way of life. Endometriosis has changed me. I used to be so up tight and worrying about everything. I used to think about how things would be in the future. I used to think about the number of kids I would have and what their names would be. But this year has taught me that life is short. You can’t worry about the unknown. I can pray and hope and be thankful for what I have. I have the pleasure of getting married in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I am marrying my best friend who has been with me on this crazy journey. I have learned to let go of the people that are toxic in my life and embrace life more than ever. I have learned through endometriosis that personal reflection is going to get me to better places in life. Endometriosis has taken my emotions through a roller coaster but if I wasn’t on this journey I wouldn’t be able to appreciate my life in the here and now.

Finally, having an invisible illness makes life hard. However, when you have an invisible illness you need to have a partner in life that understands you and loves you through and through. I have to say that your partner has to be strong. They have to be there with you, they have to understanding when you are sick. There is a lot of guilt a person with an invisible illness has to deal with. There are many days that we have to ask for help because we simply can’t function. There are so many times when I wish I could thank Russell for everything he has done for me. But the most important thing I wish he understood is that I am blessed to have him. Not only is here there for me and takes care of me, but he prays for me. Each person needs to be with someone who is going to pray for them. He is my light at the end of the this dark tunnel. One day things won’t be like this and I’ll remember how hard this time in our lives was and I’ll be able to be thankful for this journey.

Please say a prayer for your friends and family going through an invisible illness. Every day is an uphill battle and every day we need support, love and prayer.

Until Next Time

xoxo

Where Theres A Will Theres A Way  — September 18, 2016

Where Theres A Will Theres A Way 

At my last appointment the news was both good and bad. Good because my uterus looks great and will be able to hold a baby to full term! Bad because my fallopian tube is very badly damaged and the chances of us conceiving without IVF is less than 5%… So basically it would be a miracle. But miracles can happen right?! 

So I have been thinking a lot about what to do. Some days are worse than others because as a woman you are supposed to be able to bear children. I know for some people it’s easier than for others but I never thought I’d be in this position. I am big believer in your path is predestined and we are on our paths for a reason. 

So after our appointment I took a few weeks to think about what our options would be. I took the referral I was given and called the IVF doctor in our area. However, as our appointment gets closer I had a change of heart. Part of me still believes I can do this on my own. 5% is still better than 0%. I know for those of reading this, you’re probably thinking I’m making a bad decision but I really think we can do this on our own. I’ve talked to Russell, even cried a lot, because let’s be honest, my hormones aren’t all balanced out yet and I cry at the drop of a hat, and we truly believe we can do one naturally. 

I would love for all of you to say a little prayer for us. Send us baby dust in Hawaii and hope that around Christmas time we find out we’re pregnant because that would be the best Christmas present I could ask for. 

Until next time

Xoxo

2016= No Bueno — September 5, 2016

2016= No Bueno

2016 was supposed to be the best year of my life, instead it’s turning out to be not so good. I will say though,that getting engaged and being engaged has really a been a big help. Planning a wedding has been amazing, fun and as stress free as it gets! I can’t thank Russell enough for having the great idea to go elope.

I know there are times when I am incredibly transparent with  my journey through endometriosis. I share a lot of information and some people don’t always get it. But I share my story because the more people hear about my journey the more they’ll know about endometriosis and what it can do to a woman, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. I won’t lie after my post-op appointment on Monday I felt so alone. I felt like no one I could talk to would be able to relate or get what I’m saying. No matter how many times I tell Russell what I’m going through and how I’m feeling, he’ll never really be able to understand because he doesn’t have this disease. This disease has taken away so much from me and I won’t let endometriosis take away my chance to become a mother. Monday was one of the worst days I’ve had in a very long time. Each time at my Post-Op appointments there has always been bad news. I think this time hit home more than the other two. I’ve cried all week, I’ve felt depressed, I’ve felt angry at those who have children or are pregnant. The feeling just comes out of nowhere and it is so overwhelming I can’t help but cry.

God made women to be able to bear children and I hope and pray every day that I’ll be blessed with children. I know this disease won’t go away until I have my last surgery.

Here’s to hoping for lots of baby dust in Hawaii!!!

 

Until Next time

xoxo