It might take a year, it might take a day but what’s meant to be will always find it’s way — April 9, 2017

It might take a year, it might take a day but what’s meant to be will always find it’s way

The quote above was what I needed to read this week. I’ve been seeing a lot of pineapples in the most random places and each time I see one I am reminded that a miracle baby will eventually (hopefully soon) be on his or her way.

As most of you know I was on a medication called Aygestin last month. It is a fertility medication that stops your reproductive organs for a brief period of time (mine was 3 weeks). This is to help try to kill off some of the endometriosis and shrink the endometrioma. Well the medication worked in that aspect. I had three more new and growing cysts and the aygestin was able to get rid of them! Yay! I had an ultrasound that showed I had a really healthy egg and we were told to try and if I didn’t get my period I would go in to see if they could find out if we were pregnant. Well I ended up getting my period a few days ago. I’m not going to lie or sugar coat it…I was disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated, and had that feeling of being let down. I gave myself that 10 minutes to cry and be upset and then I immediately called Dr. K’s office. I have an appointment Monday for an ultrasound to make sure my eggs are still healthy and hopefully there are a few more that come out dormancy since the endometrioma has shrunk. I was told  by the nurse on the phone we will be going straight to clomid. This medication is more aggressive (in a good way). This will allow our doctor to closely monitor the rest of my cycle, doing some testing and tell us the exact day that is best for conception.

All of this is so exciting to me and I am thinking of how things could work and how our lives could change in an instant. I’ve rearrange the house and done all of my spring cleaning, including clearing out the garage, because the day I am told we are pregnant I want to enjoy every moment of being pregnant. So often I see women complain about how they don’t want to be pregnant anymore once they hit month 7 or 8. But what those women fail to realize is women like me and many many others would give anything to know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside you. I see little comments every day that bother me because from my perspective they are taking their pregnancy for granted because there are so many women who are not blessed with the opportunity to have a child.

To my friends and family with children. Hug them a little closer each time you see them because one of your friends could be going through something so unimaginably lonely and you may not know. Remember 1 of 8 women suffer from endometriosis. 1 in 8.

Please send us all the baby dust in the upcoming weeks. I am hopeful that we can conceive our little miracle baby!

until next time

xoxo

Endometriosis Awareness Month — March 21, 2017

Endometriosis Awareness Month

All month long I’ve tried to think of what to write. For some reason the words are there but I can’t seem to formulate the right sentences to create a coherent blog post. Here’s my best attempt to put everything into words 🙂

March is endometriosis awareness month. I’ve been reading stories all month from women sharing their stories, their fears, their goals, and what they hope they can accomplish by sharing what they’ve been through. The stories I’ve read all vary from women who have just been diagnosed to women who have known they’ve had this disease for a few years or more. Then I read one where a husband shared his point of view on what it’s like to take care of someone with endo. The story was awe inspiring. For me it touched a special place in my heart. It made me feel vulnerable in a way that I started crying. His words were so sweet and kind. He was gentle when he described the way he cares for his wife daily. I think that’s something that most people who don’t have this disease realize. When a man decides to marry a woman with this disease, he is marrying someone who is going to be tired, sick, and have flare up’s so bad nothing but an ER visit can take away the pain. Naturally, when I was reading this blog post I thought of Russell. I think of every day when I have to tell him my back hurts, or the cramps are more than cramps. Ironically its been 365 days since my 2nd surgery… ya know the one where they had no choice but to take out my left tube and ovary. It was that hospital stay that I asked him “Are you sure you want to marry me? What if I can’t give you children?” It was in that moment of imperfection, laying in a hospital bed, so drugged and sick that he told me he loves me for everything I am and if we can’t have kids then we have each other. Ladies, the one thing I know about Russell is how much he wants a family. His desire to have a family is strong. When a man marries a woman with endometriosis he marries the idea that children may not come. I thank the universe for Russell every day. My husband is an endo husband. He takes care of me. He tries to make my pain go away and comfort me when I’m at my worst. If you or someone you know has an endo husband, hug them tight. They are hard people to find. They are like finding a needle in a haystack. Endometriosis can put stress on a couple. It can make you both for guilty. Us women feel guilty for our spouses because we are keeping them from a healthier person. At least that’s one of my biggest guilty feelings. I tell Russell all the time that he could have been with anyone else. The guilt of being sick all the time creeps in and makes me feel awful. I think that’s why I needed to read a story about a couple going through endometriosis, and the article being written by the husband was on point. He committed to being the best endo-husband he could be. He told the readers of how many heating pads they have and how it doesn’t take him long to heat them up for his wife when she has a flare up. He also talked about how he knows when to step in and tell his wife to rest and when he knows she can push herself. An endo-husband is a caretaker and without them us wives would be lost.

I want to thank my endo-husband. Thank you for baring with me during the last year. I know four surgeries was tough. Four surgeries were stressful emotionally, physically draining and mentally challenging. Russell has been there for the darkest days of my existence. He has seen my biggest fears with endometriosis. He attends IVF appointments to educate himself further. I also am thankful for my endo-husband because every day he tells me we are going to be parents and he’ll see me grow through motherhood. I’m thankful every second of the day for my awesome husband. I am thankful for the support, advice and love he has given to me in the last year.

Having endometriosis is debilitating, it’s frustrating but in the end endo is apart of me. I have learned and grown so much this last year and I hope that if you are following this journey I have taught you a little something about endometriosis that you didn’t know before.

Happy Endometriosis Awareness month March!!!!

Fertility meds-1 Me-0 — February 27, 2017

Fertility meds-1 Me-0

Our journey towards having a baby began last Monday. It was a long yet insightful meeting with our doctors at Kettering Reproductive Medicine. I also had an appointment last Friday to more less see where we are in the stages of having a baby. My ultrasound didn’t go as I had planned. I have two endometriomas not one and they could only find one egg. However, one egg is better than no eggs so I’ll take it. We decided that it’s best if we are able to try to conceive on our own for a few months before jumping into IVF. Not to mention this couple of months will allow us to become financially prepared if we have to pay for IVF. So I started a medication called Aygestin. It’s a medication that will help my body produce more eggs. It also causes nausea, vomiting, mood swings, headache and dizziness. I’ve been dizzy, nausea and even projectile vomited all over our bathroom last night. I told Russell my stomach hurt last night and knew I would more than likely throw up but I told him I was okay. Then I sat up and knew immediately I wasn’t going to last… thus running towards the bathroom and not making it all the way.

But I refuse to complain. I have woah is me moments and moments when I cry (like last night) but I won’t complain about my journey. If anything this is teaching me to be stronger, to know my body is going to reject medications and that I will cry. For anyone who reads my blog and doesn’t know me, I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when I’m mad, sad, happy, or when I see those ASPCA commercials about dogs that need homes. I am learning that every woman’s journey towards getting pregnant is vastly different. Mine simply is harder. That doesn’t mean we won’t be blessed with a baby but our road is bumpier than others.

Continued positive vibes and thoughts for us as we continue on our journey to Baby Young!

Until next time,

xoxox

Daydreaming — February 23, 2017

Daydreaming

In my last blog I touched on how endometriosis changes a woman. I was scrolling through facebook today and came across an article from a page I follow called ‘Waiting for Baby Bird’. (Link is attached –https://waitingforbabybird.com/2017/02/21/an-open-letter-to-my-friend-struggling-with-infertility/)

If you don’t have time to read the article please make time. This blog hits home what every woman who suffers from infertility needs to read. It’s beautiful and brave in a way that speaks volumes. I wish there were more people like this in my life. I feel right now that a lot of people have been judging me for the decisions I have or have not made in the past. Some of these decisions resulting in friendships that are strained. Unfortunately, this is the side of infertility that I need support in. This article highlights what we need in those moments of darkness.

I had several moments of darkness and light this week. It started with our appointment on Monday. Our doctor is a very nice man who said we have a few options. We are making decisions on what is going to be best for us and taking everything one day at a time. My time of darkness came when he told me I have a 5x5x4.5 cm endometrioma inside my ovary. *WARNING: it’s about to get a bit graphic* Each month a woman has her period the lining of the uterus is shed along with the blood. When woman who have endometriosis have a period the lining of the uterus gets stuck on other parts of the body, such as the fallopian tubes, organs, where ever. Once the lining gets stuck to other organs it can’t be removed without surgery. Each month this happens. Well for me the lining of my uterus was shedding and going back into my ovary. At the same time that was happening blood was going back into my ovary and got trapped inside the lining causing a cyst that is not able to be removed. My endometrioma is more than 2 times the size of an ovary and for me I only have half an ovary so its pretty big. It is not able to be removed because the endometrioma is stuck inside my ovary with all my eggs. Removing the cyst would mean removing my eggs and that’s a risk I’m not taking. My endometrioma (otherwise known as chocolate cysts) will remain inside my ovary until it goes away on its own. If it doesn’t I’ll have to wait until after we are done having children to remove it. That was my dark moment of the week. I never would have guess that things looked worse than they were. I thought I was getting better but this feels a setback. However, thank goodness for Russell and his positive uplifting words. I am beyond thankful for him because he has been praying for us and our journey towards having a baby for a long time. Hearing him talk about how we are going to rearrange our home for a nursery gives me butterflies. I can’t wait for the day we get to experience it all…until then more daydreaming.

Until next time,

xoxo

How Endometriosis Changes You — February 14, 2017

How Endometriosis Changes You

Every young girl imagines how her future is going to be. She is going to meet a guy (whether its their high or college sweetheart), fall in love, get married and have a family. I know that was me. I also had a super huge wedding planned in a church but we all know that changed (and definitely for the better!).

One year ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had had some really bad periods but like I’ve said in previous blogs I just thought it was normal and kept going. Then slowly but surely it became harder and harder to do things, simple things, like working out and walking around the block. That’s when I went to see my OB and we scheduled my first laprascopy. The rest is history. This past year has changed everything. I have had to put my life on hold to make sure I am healthy enough to do activities. What you don’t know is that I was hurting on my honeymoon in Hawaii. I didn’t tell Russell because those 16 days were the most magical and I was damn sure not going to let that get in the way. But here’s how endometriosis has really changed me. I don’t see anyone. I don’t go to lunch. I don’t go shopping. I don’t because I can’t. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning without feeling some kind of pain. If you don’t have this disease it’s very hard to explain what the pain is like to others who don’t have it. It’s hard to explain that sitting on my couch with my hot hugs heating pad and resting is all I can do right now. I can go out occasionally for date night but I want to do those things because it helps strengthen my marriage. Also, Russell has been there through this entire journey and he has seen first hand what I am going through, so he’s really the only one I can count on to be there 100% of the time (besides my parents and siblings).

Endometriosis has taught me that you need to be thankful if you can get pregnant easily because for those of us that can’t, it’s more than challenging. Endometriosis challenges your mental state, your emotional state and your physical strength. I have had moments where I thought I’d never come out of being sad, angry and depressed. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be around babies without crying. But what endometriosis has given me is the strength to talk about my feelings. I started this blog because I wanted people to know what websites don’t tell you. The amount of weight I gained and lost and gained again because of the hormones was awful. Endometriosis has taught me that I’m a fighter. Marcano’s fight to achieve a goal and I even though my last name is now Young, the Marcano in me keeps me fighting for a baby.

As I write this blog now I am staring at the paperwork that will get us started on our IVF Journey next Monday. This new chapter is daunting. The paper work seems like a mountain to climb. I am scared. I am nervous. I am anxious. I am feeling so many emotions that it’s hard to write them down. What endometriosis has taught me most is patience and faith. I have to have faith in order for this to work. I also have to have the patience to get from one appointment to another.

Endometriosis has changed me. Endometriosis has given me a voice I never thought I’d have. Endometriosis is scary and at times it seems impossible to get through, however, with Russell by my side I know I can do all things I set my mind to. I am hopeful that 2017 will bring a pregnancy and healthy baby into the world.

I appreciate all of you how continue to follow my journey and keep up with what is going on. I appreciate you more than you know. Your positive thoughts, words of encouragement and thoughtfulness mean more to me than you’ll ever know!

Until next time,

xoxox

I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8 — February 6, 2017

I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8

 

What runs through your mind when you are doing something that scares you? Do you think about how the actions you are about to take are going to affect you? That’s exactly how I felt when I started this blog. I was scared, not because I didn’t want to share my story but because I was afraid of being judged. In previous blog entries I’ve explained the criticism I’ve received for sharing my journey, posting pictures of my belly and being too open. I know I am open and brutally honest. But I don’t think we are truly educating women and others who don’t have this disease if we aren’t open.

I can tell you I just had my fourth surgery. And it was by far the worst surgery I have had so far. I knew something was wrong around the holidays but waited to see my OB/GYN. I went through the usual routine and scheduled surgery. Come to find out my pelvis and uterus were”frozen” together, meaning they were connected with scar tissues and enveloped in it, not to mention my uterus is very tilted. I also had the usual scar tissue close to my fallopian tube and several cysts on my ovary. Needless to say, recovery has been hard. I’ve been more sore, bloated and tired than I can remember being with the last three surgeries. My OB/GYN put a “glove” around my fallopian tube and was able to extensively clean my ovary and put me back together.

But as I lay in the hospital bed right after surgery I couldn’t help but ask why me? Why do I have this disease? Why do I have to go through this? Why was I chosen to have something there is no cure for? All of those questions and more started creeping in. I wondered if I’d ever be a mother; something I’ve wanted ever since I can remember. Will I be able to give my husband a child; something I know he wants desperately. It’s easy for me to say I’m sorry I’m broken. I’m sorry I’m not whole. I say those things because I really mean them.I am sorry my husband has to go through this with me because he should have a wife that is able to give him such a special gift. I laid there that night in the hospital thinking about what I could do differently. I have never been overly religious so I’m not sure that’s the route I want to take. However, in this moment of laying in the dark, I had this vision of being a mother. And more importantly I had a vision of me being pregnant and raising this beautiful human. I was reminded that night that I have to have faith. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t have a bad day and cry but I can’t stay there. I can allow myself an hour to wallow and say why me over and over and over but after that time period I need to pick myself up by my big girl panties and figure out how to be a better me.

The point of my blogs is to always share the heartache I feel going through this. Just this week I was waiting on a table that asked me what was taking me so long to have children. I didn’t have words this person and before the tears could fall down my face I walked away. I struggle every day with this disease, some days more than others but I still struggle. I’m currently resting every chance I get because when I don’t I get very bloated, crampy and my back feels like it’s on fire.

Slowly but surely I am learning that I’m not alone. That this is going to be an uphill battle and I have to climb it and own my disease like the queen I am. I also have to have that same queen mentality when things don’t go according to plan. And if there’s anything positive that’s come out of this journey it’s that I’m finding my purpose. I am wanting to fight for women like me. Why should a woman going through endometriosis and other reproductive health issues have the burden of paying for everything out of pocket? Why can’t insurance companies help more? I am finding my voice, something that was missing or lost. I know I may share too much for some but for others I know this is education so I thank you. Thank you for your prayers, guidance, love, and support. But mostly, thank you for allowing me to find a topic that burns a fire through my soul because some way, some how there will be other women sharing their stories. Writing is a way for us to say please love us and support us and be there through the good, the bad and the ugly.

I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8.

 

Until Next time

xoxoxox

 

 

Merry Christmas! — December 23, 2016

Merry Christmas!

“Blessed is she who has believed the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” Luke 1:45

 

I saw this beautiful quote on Waiting for Baby Bird’s facebook page. She recently posted about what it feels like to deal with infertility during the holidays. She reminded us that Christmas is about the birth of Hope. This really resonated with me. If endometriosis has taught me anything this past 10 months it’s that you have to have hope. Hope for what the future holds and hope that your dreams will one day come true. Infertility isn’t easy. Each day is a challenge because a woman never knows what’s going to upset her. It could be passing a specific onesie or holding a friends baby. It could be the simple yearning you feel that day that’s stronger than normal. There are so many things that we are sensitive to that many don’t realize, however, we manage to keep going.

Infertility is hard. Infertility brings more questions than answers and having hope during a difficult time can be calming. Hope is for the dark days that seem like they aren’t going to end. Hope is wanting to find a cure for the 1 in 8 women who have to go through this and experience the pain endometriosis brings. Hope is one day knowing, that with the right timing, a baby will be placed in your arms and one day you’ll be called mommy. Hoping for the family that you have always wanted is normal. My husband and I are trying for a baby and while we only have a 5% chance of conceiving on our own, I’ll take it because it’s not 0. 0 means there is not hope. 5% means there still is hope. This year has created a fire in my soul to fight for what I want, no matter how difficult it is. Infertility is knowing you are going to go through hell and back but come out a better, stronger person. This Christmas I hope you have hope for your future. I know the women struggling to conceive are having a hard time right now. They aren’t able to put a baby in a “My first Christmas” onesie, wait hours in line to meet Santa, or experience what their friends or siblings get to but one day they will. I have hope for them. I know they are strong and can get through anything.

To the 1 in 8 women I know struggle with infertility, you aren’t alone. I know it feels like that but you aren’t. Look forward to beautiful future that lies ahead. Miracles come from hope and hope comes from within. Believe in yourself and your journey and you’ll go where your heart takes you.

Merry Christmas

xoxo

I choose My Right — December 8, 2016

I choose My Right

As if 2016 couldn’t get any worse. First we elect a man who isn’t fit to be a President, then Ohio’s Governor thinks he can somehow pass legislation to make it illegal for any woman to get an abortion at 6 weeks. Do you know what could happen in 6 weeks?! A lot. For any man reading this do you understand that the majority of women who have a period don’t have a “normal” cycle, meaning their periods don’t come exactly every 28 days. Some women skip periods for months at a time and  then one day they get their period again. Some women even get more than one period a month. So here’s my open letter to our governor who needs to hear from a woman on a woman’s issue.

Dear Governor Kasich,

I am writing you this letter to let you know that your “Heartbeat Bill” isn’t such a great idea. Women in the state of Ohio (and across the country) should not be told what to do with their bodies, especially not by men who aren’t doctors. Women get pregnant every day in our state. Some women are trying and some women aren’t. There are also women who are having protected sex and still somehow get pregnant because contraception isn’t 100% effective. When you look at why women get abortions there are plenty of reasons. Some women get abortions because they know their babies are going to have problems, their baby won’t make it the entire 9 months and will be still born, personal reasons, etc. There are a hundreds of thousands of reasons women decide to get abortions. But ya know what, its their decision. A woman has to choose what she’ll do when she finds out she’s pregnant, which usually isn’t until at least week 8 or later. And here’s my other issue with your bill. You and your fellow cronies want women to have the babies they are pregnant with but you don’t want to help support them when women ask for help. When a woman has to ask for government assistance because they are raising a baby with a minimum wage job that barely covers the bills, you and your government turn your noses up at them like they are useless and not contributing to society. Our state and government needs to come up with a better way for women who are having babies to get the help they need without being judged. Asking for help with formula, diapers, etc., should not be a bad thing when a woman decides to keep the baby she is pregnant with. Why are food stamps, WIC and other government assistant programs frowned upon but you want every woman to keep their unborn children. You sir, can’t have it both ways. If you want women to keep their babies, you should be able to have the funding and programs to help. Otherwise, you need to mind your own business. Women get pregnant for all kinds of reasons and some of the reasons are deplorable. If this bill passes women will still find ways to have an abortion, only this way it will be illegal and could result in more than just an abortion, but a death with the woman carrying the baby. Taking away a right isn’t going to stop abortions from happening. Governor Kasich, you nor anyone in Senate should NOT be making decision regarding women’s health or reproductive rights. A woman should ALWAYS have the right to choose. I stand behind Roe vs Wade and will continue to support women when they have to make decisions, such as getting an abortion. If you want to make 2016 suck a little less than it already has, you won’t pass this bill.

Sincerely,

A woman who will forever and always stand by her right to choose

Do you believe in miracles? — November 20, 2016

Do you believe in miracles?

The title of this blog is going to be very important as you will come to see. Miracles happen every day. I remember the morning that my mami (grandmother) past away. It was around this time in January and for some odd reason I woke up out of a deep sleep. I learned later that day that not only myself and my mother, but my aunt who was living in New York at the time both woke up at the exact same time. I truly believe it was her way of saying goodbye to me, or rather thank you for driving my mom to Indianapolis to catch a flight to be with mami. I’m telling you this because events like that have not happened in my life.

However, in my last blog post I was up a few hours earlier than this one, writing a blog about my pain and how ready for Hawaii Russell and I were. Well I can tell you that our experience in Hawaii was beyond magical. We spent 16 blissful days doing whatever we wanted, hitting the re-set button and spending more quality time together than we ever had in our entire 8 year relationship. We both can most definitely agree that the best part of the trip was getting married. Being able to have such an intimate wedding was very important to us. Our wedding and our vows were for us, to bond us closer together and unite us as one. I can tell you all it was much needed and we will remember this trip for the rest of our lives.

It’s been a little over a month since my last blog. I realized in Hawaii that I also needed a break from technology. Being away in a place that is so laid back where you don’t have to be anywhere at a specific time and everyone is just so relaxed really is such a nice getaway. I also realized in Hawaii that anything can happen as long as you believe in it. Now I know that some of you reading this are going to think I’m crazy or too optimistic, however, I truly believe we can have a baby. I have been having these dreams lately where I am holding my baby after birth. Each time I see Russell and our Doula and I hear this cry. A cry of love; a welcoming sound into the world. I should probably tell you all why I believe I have been having these dreams. My hairstylist, Jessica is a very important person to me. She and I met several years ago when she started doing Mary Kay. She has this presence that when she walks into a room you want to know who she is. She draws people in and I immediately felt a connection to her. Little did I know she would be doing my hair and we would be connecting on a whole nother level! Jessica has always been passionate about what she does, which is hair, and I sure am glad she does mine otherwise it would look like a hot mess. Anyway, earlier this year around the time of all my surgeries she felt this heaviness about me. I knew what it was but didn’t want to admit it and she said the words I wasn’t ready to hear (but I knew I needed to hear them from someone other than my doctor and myself) “You’re body is telling you it isn’t ready to have a baby”. You see I was willing to get pregnant before we left for Hawaii because that’s how badly I want a baby. So Jessica started practicing reiki (which I had never heard of before she told me what it was). She had me a do a little ceremony to open myself up to the universe. I have always believed that if you connect yourself with the universe, center your soul and truly believe that against all odds anything is possible, your dreams will come true. The first time she wanted me to do a ritual I asked Russell to do it with me. He was willing and we stood under this beautiful full moon and asked the universe to bless us with a baby. After the first ritual I felt a very calm feeling almost like I had just got done with yoga. Then she asked permission to do reiki when she felt necessary but wherever she was. Of course I said yes! Russell and I have done two rituals so far. Both very intimate and to save the intimacy I won’t go into detail of what we do but it is very special.

What I will say is Jessica is an empath. She knows exactly what I’m feeling and when. Just the other day she sent me a text asking how I was feeling because she felt that I was feeling heavy, sad. She encourages me to keep going. She gives me advice when I need it. She believes in miracles. The point of my blog is not to keep reminding you that I have endometriosis. It’s to remind you that the journey to becoming a mother is not always easy. For some yes it’s easy peasy lemon squeezy. However, for 1 in 8 women it’s not. It’s years of pain, multiple surgeries, heartbreak and sometimes loss. The point of this entire blog is to show you the good, the bad, the ugly and the happy. Having this disease is difficult because as a woman you feel robbed and don’t understand why you have this. I am sharing my story with you all because often times women don’t have someone who wants to be as open with their journey. I am not afraid to show you what my belly looks like now, what appointment I had and what everything means going forward. I am grateful for the support system I have because without them I wouldn’t be where I am today. Two months ago I was told that I have a less than 5% chance of conceiving on my own. Because of Russell and his undying love for me and to Jessica for continually working with me and connecting us more with the universe, I truly believe we will witness a miracle.

Until next time

xoxo

Is It Hawaii Time Yet? — October 14, 2016

Is It Hawaii Time Yet?

I can’t begin to tell you all how ready for Hawaii Russell and I are. More than ever we need a break from every day life. Not that we don’t love everyone in it but sometimes you just need to hit the reset button. And after 8 years, a ton of hard work and no vacation, we’re hitting our wall. There are still some things that need to be finalized and ordered but the main and important things are finished. Yay for that.

BUT this endometriosis is bound and determined to knock me down. I’m writing a blog post at almost 2am because I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep. I was so nauseated earlier I couldn’t eat dinner. Days like today make me feel trapped. I’m 27 I shouldn’t be going through this. I shouldn’t be hurting so bad I can’t function. And by not functioning I mean the pain is so bad I can hardly walk to the bathroom. It hurts to go to the bathroom and all I can do is lay in the fetal position. I have my hot hugs, thanks to my amazing and wonderful endo-sister and best friend Erin. If you don’t have a hot hugs you should totally get one! They are heating pads but are teddy bears so you have something to hold or squeeze until the pain eases up. I haven’t gotten sick (yet) but I’m sure that’s going to be coming soon. I am keeping myself hydrated and trying to remain calm and breathe through the pain. That’s the one thing my OB told me, not breathing through a cramp is a bad thing and will keep me tense, therefore giving me more pain. So basically I sound like a woman in labor when it gets this bad. And I’m beginning to wonder if this pain is as bad as going into labor.

I’m not sure if I said this in my last blog but, I’ve gotten a lot of negative feedback on how I am presenting my disease. This disease isn’t pretty (what disease is??) and it isn’t talked about unless you have it. I had no idea I had endometriosis until February. By that point it was almost too late. If my OB hadn’t have caught it I most likely wouldn’t have the tube and ovary I still have. I want you all to know I am not sharing my story to get sympathy from you. I am sharing my story and what I go through to show you what living with this disease is like. I can’t do simple exercises, like going on walks or hiking, because of the amount of pain I am in afterwards. I can’t walk around for long periods of time without being in pain (going back to serving has caused lots of pain) and the list goes on.

But the worst part about having this disease was having to look at Russell right after I had surgery #2 (when my left side was removed) and tell him I may never be able to give him a child. I am not sure how many of you women would be able to do that but I cry all the time with that worry. But when I was getting my hair done I was talking to my stylist Jessica. She has brought so much healing to my life and I am so grateful for her. When I am around her I feel so much positive energy and I know she is giving me her optimism, and so is Russell. Because of them, as well as, my other friends and family rallying behind me, I truly believe one day I’ll be telling Russell we’re having a baby and we did it on our own.

Early last month I was thinking about why I made my IVF appointment. To be honest, I was scared and thought I didn’t have enough chance with a 5% functioning system. I thought I didn’t have what it takes. Basically, I didn’t believe in myself. I let someone overtake my thoughts and emotions. I let the negative creep in. Obviously, this is going to happen to everyone and I’m not perfect so it does happen. But when I surrender my thoughts and center myself I know I can make a miracle happen. Miracles happen every day, so why would I think my 5% chance isn’t good enough? I also know 5% isn’t a lot but it’s better than 0%. I can’t tell you all how overwhelming, emotionally draining, and physically exhausting this journey has been and continues to be. I also can’t tell you all how much having Russell here and having his support means to me. Not all men would be able to go through this. He has gone through this with me. He has seen me at my worst and picked me up and been my rock. There were so many appointments that I’d come home crying from because the news was never good. If I was going through this alone, I have no idea what I’d do. The best thing I’ve received through this journey is that he prays for me. My fiance prays for me and us and that means so much to me. I know he is worried and stressed and wonders about what could happen, even though I know he tries not to. I love him now more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. I hope every woman going through this has a man that stands by them and supports them unconditionally. This has been the biggest and most challenging part of my life.

So here’s to hoping my endometriosis will let me enjoy two solid weeks in Hawaii, away from the hustle and bustle of every day life. We will for sure be slowing down and taking our time with everything and enjoying being in the moment with one another. As always, if you know someone who is going through infertility or has endometriosis or is going through the IVF process please give her a hug and let her know you’re there, it means more than you know.

Until Next Time,

xoxo