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A Path to Nowhere

I just have to vent. If I don’t I may lose my mind. I wrote last month that the decision had been made for me to go back on another round of Lupron-Depo, aka, the Devil’s Juice. I called the clinic to make sure everything was ready to go and the documents could be faxed to CVS Pharmacy since that’s the pharmacy my insurance covers. Totally fine..everything was going according to my plan and then it just stopped. The doctor’s office was getting the run around from CVS and I was getting the run around from CVS. It took six weeks of frustrating phone calls, documents being faxed to the WRONG PLACE (this error was on CVS end for giving my doctor’s office the wrong number). So I’ve waited and waited and waited and waited and waited to hear back something. Finally, today after getting a call back from one of the nurses she said to call CVS and see what’s going on. Apparently the Lupron has been ready since last week. Add that to growing list of frustrations. So it looks like I’ll get the shot on Wednesday. So here’s why I’m mad.

I was supposed to get this shot at the beginning of February…. six weeks ago. This is going to push out our timeline SIX WEEKS!!! If anyone knows me knows I have a type A personality. If someone tells me a projected time frame that is what we go with, there is no changing it and whatever obstacles come we get through them. However, this obstacle doesn’t have enough time. Now I don’t know what we are looking at. If I had to guess we’d beginning everything in July and go from there. It’s too late to me because I had this idea but as I am learning I am not in control here. I am at the mercy of time. Part of me is getting very tired and frustrated because this doesn’t just affect me, it affects Russell too. I just feel like I’m continuously failing him, us. I’m just so mentally exhausted by it all sometimes. Then I think of hard this journey is about to get. I mean think about it. Lupron turns me into a heat flashing, cry on the spot, irritated and menopausal person. She is no fun to be around. Then we go right into all the drugs. Birth control for one week, another Lupron for a week, and then the shots go in there somewhere. So at this point my body is really prepping itself to hold a baby(ies). Then the transfer and fingers crossed we are able to get pregnant that day.  And again, I have no idea when this will happen but that’s the order of how it will go because my favorite nurse explained it all out to me. I think that’s another aspect that I’m frustrated with is that we have been going down this path for so long and right now it just seems to be leading to no where. The last six weeks were a literal run around. I have wanted to scream, pull my hair out and cry.

I’m not even gonna lie either, today I had a why me day. Why can’t we just have one? What’s so wrong with wanting just one? I have tried making deals like if the Universe will grant us one crazy awesome miracle baby I won’t push for more. What’s wrong with wanting something that I’ve always wanted to be…a mother. Seeing my mother and how she raised us really impacted me. I also think when you are the product of divorced parents like I am, you almost have to grow up a little faster because mom needs help. I remember when my mom was going to night school, my little sister was a baby and my mom had me, Daniella, and Alex. Those were the times I had to step up and help my mom because she had to study. It was during that time that I found out my passion for wanting a family of my own one day. Then when Russell and first met and I mean just exchanged pleasantries, I knew he was the one. Did anyone else just get that feeling when you first met your significant other that they were going to be your forever? (Also, fun fact…before Russell and I started dating I made a few friends come stalk him with me! It was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done. That sounds horrible but I promise it was all in fun) Anyway, Russell and I would have deep conversations early on in our relationship. Because you have to remember that Russell and I were “dating” at first and getting to know each other before making things official. I remember one night we were talking on the phone and I asked him about having children. He said at a very young age he wanted to have a family. He saw his mom and dad kick ass at being teenage parents and he wanted the same. He just said he hadn’t found the right person to have children with. And as our conversations kept going he said he wanted a large family, 4 or 5 kids. I wanted the same! In a way I feel like I’m crushing his dream of becoming the father he always wanted to be. Infertility isn’t just a bitch to go through, infertility is heartbreaking. Infertility is emotional. Infertility is hard. Being an infertile woman in the prime of her life sucks. So today I say why me because in this moment our path seems to be going around in pointless circles.

Until Next Time


p.s. what have you done for endometriosis awareness month??

babies, blogger, breaking news, endometriosis, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, white, women, women's issues

How Stella Got her Groove Back…

Did you know that it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month? This month I hope to blog as much as possible about the stories of women with endo. I want to focus this month specifically on working with women and sharing their stories on how this disease has changed their life, for the good, the bad and the ugly.

Today’s story is about my friend and endo-sister Stella. Stella looks like a girl trying to live her dreams, however, Stella has a not so secret secret; she has endometriosis. Stella, like most women, had a very difficult time getting diagnosed. The doctor (whom shall remain nameless) diagnosed Stella as having stage one endometriosis Stella was told that she would have to have a laparoscopy in order to get her endometriosis under control. For any woman that hears the word “surgery” we get a little nervous and have a thousand questions.  We also need time to process what is going on, figure out how this is going to affect our every day lives and if surgery is really going to work, especially when the first time is always the scariest one because you don’t know the impact it will have on you and those around you. For Stella she became scared of the surgery and put it off for a little while. One day in 2016, while thinking about the surgery a huge pressure spike was happening her abdomen. What Stella was experiencing was a rupturing cyst that was leaking fluid into her abdomen. She was seen by the same OB but instead of being sympathetic to her situation and finding a treatment plan, she did the “I told you so routine” and kept making Stella feel guilty for wanting time to think about a major surgery. What most don’t know is that you sign an waiver when you get to the hospital. The doctors have no idea what they are going to find once they actually see what your uterus and surrounding areas look like. That waiver we sign is to giving them permission to remove parts of our reproductive systems if they will do harm to us in the future. I understand one hundred percent why someone would want time to weigh the pros and cons of the surgery. One month later Stella decided to have her first laparoscopy. During that first laparoscopy her OB found that the ovary with the ruptured cysts was adhered to her abdomen and she had found endometriosis in other areas of her body as well. At the time of this surgery she was diagnosed with stage 1 endometriosis. However, come to find out later she was misinformed by this OB and is now seeing a specialist who can help her get back on the right track and really figure out what stage she has. Knowing what stage you are prepares you for a lot. Each stage has different symptoms and each stage affects your body differently. If women want to preserve their eggs they need a way to figure out how to do that and when because the clock on having good eggs is running out and fast.

Stella has always known something was off with her cycle. Since she was 14 years old she thought, like the rest of us, that this is how a period is. She just lived with the best way she knew how and her best friend had the same symptoms so they had each other to go through this with. It wasn’t until the last few years when things started to escalate.

This disease takes a hold of everyone in your life and unfortunately some are not strong enough to stay with us. Often times when a woman is sick a lot, it can be hard for man. Not just because his needs aren’t being met but the needs the couple has aren’t being met. As a couple you have goals, dreams, and many milestones you hope to accomplish together. Stella thought she would have these things in her ex, but then things started to slowly change. At the beginning of her diagnosis her boyfriend was there for her. One of the things she said is that she had been incapacitated for three months before her first surgery. At the time her boyfriend was telling her he’d always be there for her and take care of her for the rest of their lives if he had to. He was that support guy who would be there for when she just needed a day filled with relaxing and binge watching their favorite shows on Netflix. But slowly a shift was taking place. She could feel it for a while and didn’t address anything right away. After all they were making plans to move in together and that’s a huge relationship step. That step means you are willing to make a commitment to be there for one another, in good times and in bad. Stella noticed things started to change after her first surgery; he would just not be be present and he wasn’t there as much and she had to force him into spending time together. Sadly, the shift in the relationship was too strong because in July when Stella started to do better after her second surgery, right before her birthday he broke it off. He was telling her a bunch of nonsense like excuses to get himself out. But the one thing he said that she’ll never forget is ” I can’t handle being with someone who has this kind of chronic health issue”.

The constant back, hip, and leg pain (which is common areas pain for women with endometriosis) were just too much to handle. After this last relationship Stella has put dating on hold.  A lot of times women with endometriosis are too tired to do normal things, let alone date. She has no sex drive, which is another common factor when having endometriosis. So for now dating is a no go. However, her friends  and family have been her constant. They are unconditionally supportive and understanding, although Stella’s been more isolated since her endometriosis seems to have escalated a bit. Stella’s self confidence has been affected as well. She feels like there’s something wrong with her, like her body is defective. This has a ripple effect because she has trouble going on and being social because of her self-esteem issues.  Throughout these highs and lows her family is there through it all. They are the biggest support for Stella and she doesn’t know what she would do without them. They are there for her in times when she needs them the most. To say she loves them and she’s grateful for them would be an understatement.

I wanted to share Stella’s story with you all because it’s profound. She has exhibited a fighter’s mentality and continues to fight every day for her happiness, health and peace of well being. Stella is an amazing woman who deserves nothing but the best. I know she has had some major trials throughout her endometriosis journey but she is going to come out the other side of this dark tunnel a winner. She will conquer all the goals and dreams she has and so much more. She has a huge and wonderful support system. She is beautiful, kind and thoughtful. Endometriosis doesn’t define her, it’s just apart of her. Stella is a warrior that continues to fight every day and I am grateful to know her.


Please remember it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month and if you have any questions regarding endo or want more facts please ask!

Until Next Time








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Black or White?

Rachel Dolezal has started a conversation in America that we may not be prepared for. By Rachel Dolezal, born a white woman to a white family, saying she identifies as a black woman, the country is going to start the conversation of does race matter?

Yes race does matter. But being honest about who you are matters too. You can be a white person and identify as black. You can also be a black person and identify as white. All those things are fine. But if a black person altered their identity to look more white and told people things that weren’t true, that would become a problem.

Here’s my issue with Rachel. She lied about who she is. She changed her appearance, which is fine because how many times have we seen people alter their appearance to who they truly are. Bruce Jenner, Laverne Cox, and Aydian Dowling to name a few. These people were not afraid to change who they are and teach people that being your authentic self is very important. Here is how they are different from Rachel, they didn’t lie. They never lied about who they were previously. They have their own stories to tell but it seems Rachel has taken her “story” and tried to make a difference being a black woman. Did she think that was going to make her like other prominent black women in history?Did she think she could get away with this forever? Does she think she can tell people whatever they want to hear and they will believe her? Well so far, she has. She has told stories about an African American man being her father, which is simply not true. She is not black at all. She simply identifies as black.

But where is the line crossed? So what if she wants to have dreads, a perm or even darken her skin to get the “look” she wants. She crossed the line when she worked for the NAACP in Spokane and told people she is black. The NAACP is a highly prestigious organization that helps better black communities through the country. However, why couldn’t she have made a difference being a white woman? Was she afraid that the black community would shun her or make her work harder? Would she not be accepted like she wanted to be? Why did she feel like the only way to make a difference was to lie? Identify with what you want. Dress how you want. Do your hair how you want. Talk how you want to talk. But don’t lie.

Rachel Dolezal has sparked a conversation about what it means to be black or white, but I’m not sure it is for the right reasons. This country needs leaders who are going to be honest, forthcoming about who they really are. This country needs strong, level-headed, honest leaders who are going to be inspirations to future generations. These leaders should be people who aren’t afraid to be who they are. However, these leaders also need to be transparent. Without transparency there is not trust. Without trust there is unrest. With unrest comes violence.

I’m not sure Rachel truly thought through the consequences of her actions, the only thing she is thinking about now is the amount of money that will soon (if not already) be coming her way, since every news outlet will want to interview her. Every publisher will want her “story” and the production companies will want to tell the world who Rachel Dolezal really is.