It feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve last written a blog. I didn’t post my last blog but you can find it here. But the last month has been very hard. I’ve had to learn patience all over again. By patience I mean not being able to remember simple words that I know I know, not being able to fully communicate a sentence without pausing in between because I’ve forgotten what I said, or even just the constant dizziness, nausea and exhaustion. I don’t see a specialist until next month and I’ve already been a strict no driving or working life. I have realized I miss the simple things like going to the grocery store and just being able to drive myself to do simple things. This month has not only been hard for me but for Russell too. He has to sit back and watch me lay on the floor until everything stops spinning, watch me have a full blown panic attack because I’m scared of what’s going on.I know what to expect when these episodes are having. First, I start to loose my peripheral vision, then everything starts to get blurry and the room feels like your in the fun house with all the mirrors and the floor looks like its moving all around you. I have to lay on the floor no matter where I am because otherwise I’ll fall. I’ve already done that three times so I think it’s time to learn my lesson and just sit for a while. The first time I fell was very surreal. I was in the bathroom and all of the sudden I’m sitting on the floor, back against the door, and my head is throbbing. Thankfully Russell was home. The other times I’ve fallen haven’t been too serious, other than Christmas eve when I lost all consciousness and hit my lower back on the edge of our fireplace and the ironing board came down giving me a good smack in the head. I’m pretty bummed that I don’t have my appointment until February 11th. Thankfully I’ve had some easy tasks that I can do around the house so I’m keeping busy.
“Sometimes what we think are curses are really blessings in disguise”
But, the one thing that’s bothering me most is having to put Operation Baby Young on hold. I’ve been going through infertility for three years now. We had been on the right track and then we were saving up that bit that we needed. But then I had a seizure in November and didn’t know it until after the accident. Sitting at home is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because I really need my brain and body to heal. However, it’s a curse because I’m running through all the different situations planned out to have avoided that instance. I keep thinking about the what ifs. I keep thinking “when will it be our turn”? I feel guilty, anxious, angry and sad all at the same time because I want to become a mother (not just a fur mama either). I have had this feeling deep within my soul that I have always been meant to be a mother. I don’t know if that comes from wanting to nurture others and take care of people or if it’s an instinct that I know I have to be able to act upon. The last three years have seen their highs and lows. Right now we’re kind of coasting in the middle hoping and praying for our miracle baby. It’s funny Russell and I were talking about our situation with wanting to have children and getting to that point. He said to me, “There are women who would give their lives for their children and you’re already giving yours to a child we haven’t created yet”. *Cue the waterworks* I have never looked it from that vantage point. He has made comments on how much I’ve put myself through and he has no idea how I’ve done it. For me it’s simple, I’ll put my body through the ringer and do everything I have to do in order to have children. I’m wiling to take supplements, do the shots and whatever else it takes for my body to be ready to carry a child. He truly changed my perspective on how I’ve viewed our situation. Hence why he’s the glass half full and I’m the glass half empty. There is no perfect road to get anywhere in life. There are lots of bumps and unforeseen circumstances that get in the way of your dreams and goals. But if you keep going, strive to be the best version of yourself (as Rachel Hollis says) make sacrifices, choose your dream over other things like having a social life and poor your heart and soul into that dream. It is never too late to have a dream and it’s never too early to become that dream either. Dreams and goals are what keep us motivated giving us that extra oomph when we wake up in the morning and are eager to start a new day. If the last 4-5 weeks have taught me anything it’s live your life as if it were your last day on Earth. Think of what you’d want to do with that last day. Would you be sharing all the dreams you had that you attained or are you going to be that person that chose to follow their gut and despite what others had to say went for it; all in. The last thing anyone wants is to see someone else living your dream life (again thanks Rachel Hollis for this concept!). So go chase those dreams, go be that boss babe you were meant to be while saying thank you next to those who now want to be in your circle because you decided to be different. I think that’s enough rambling for one session. If you have any book recommendations please let me know I’d greatly appreciate it!
Until Next Time