Welcome to another late night post! The title of this blog is dedicated to my mommy. She saw that I got offended by a post going around social media. For those that haven’t seen the post it is an ultrasound of twins. People are posting that they’re pregnant only for the end of the caption to say we just wanted to say congrats to whomever is having these babies. It had been about the tenth time I saw the post and out of frustration I said it is really insensitive to post fake pregnancy announcements. Ya know, like the ones where everyone says they’re pregnant on April Fools Day, only for it to be a joke. Now after that I got feedback about my post, specifically from mommy. She said right now I’m too sensitive to be seeing things related to pregnancy so I should probably should stay away from social media. BUT we all know I have to play devil’s advocate here and now that I’m an adult I can (sometimes) go against what my mom says to do. (Although I could fail miserably while not taking her advice in the first place lol) She just understands what I’m going through, the serious amount of medication my body has undertaken over the last 18 months and the fact that it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Anyway, I got some criticism saying that if we can’t find humor in some things then we’ll never be able to laugh at anything. So there are mixed reviews and my mom is just trying to protect me from getting my feelings hurt unintentionally by what one person posts. To be fair she is right. I’ve never experience a level of sensitivity like this. And for those who know me know I’ve always been a sensitive person but I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster. Not all days, but some days. There are days when I cry asking the universe why I’m not good enough for a baby. There are days when I’m angry or frustrated that I can’t get pregnant after 9 months of marriage. Then I just sit and wonder ‘why me’? I wonder if there is something I did in a past life to have to go through this now. Maybe it’s to make me appreciate the journey we are going on. AND speaking of journey’s, this Wednesday at 3pm I will be going to our IVF specialist for my Lupron shot! I have waited very anxiously to see what was going to happen. I’m so thankful for the nurses and Dr. Karnitis for doing everything they can to help us. From answering all my phone calls, voicemails, and seeing me when things seem to be a little less than urgent. I am blessed to have such an amazing support staff and although this shot is going to burn like hell it’s the very first step to take to get to IVF. This road is going to be long, expensive, and worth.every.penny. The day I get to create a life inside and hold my little baby Young for the first time will be amazing. I don’t even have words to describe that feeling now. All I can say is that feeling is a yearning. A yearning for someone I already know I love unconditionally. I have a yearning to hold them close to my skin, smell their sweet baby smell, all while delicately kissing each part of their face. Trying to become a mother is full of overwhelming, heartbreaking, hopelessness. But for us we can’t keep silent, even if people don’t understand. My goal is to just educate one person on how endometriosis can severely change the life of a young woman. So I’m sorry mom but I won’t be staying off Facebook because a message needs spread around the globe that women need more affordable healthcare for reproductive health. Infertility needs to be considered as a general service, instead of a specialty service that we no option but to pay out of pocket for. Infertility needs to be brought up because there are also women who can’t afford to seek treatment, therefore feeling lost. If I lose friends or lose supporters along the way through this, that’s on them. I’m on a mission and I Continue reading
Please stop asking if I’ll be okay this Mother’s Day. Yes I understand the significance of the day and how I’m struggling to conceive myself. However, I am still able to spend mother’s day with my three awesome doggies and husband… after all I did become a fur-mama almost 9 years ago when I surprised Russell with Lena!!! Not to mention I get to celebrate my WONDERFUL, AMAZING, puts-up with all my shenanigans mother!
For me mother’s day isn’t about dwelling on what I don’t have but rather being thankful for what I do have. I have an awesome mom (and step-mom) that I am blessed to walk through life with. I think of the numerous times a day I call her to tell her the most random things. LOL. But for me Mother’s Day is about celebrating all mothers, including those who may not have children on earth but have children watching over them. You, sweet sister are still a mother, no matter what anyone else says. I believe this holiday will afford you the blessings and light you may have been looking for.
While our journey hasn’t been easy or as long as some other people I know, I do know that we are on the right track. Yes, I do have down days where I can’t seem to think my way out of what is going on; so I sit and let my emotions surround me and with every breath I take I feel how deeply my emotions are effecting me. Once some time has passed, I am usually able to get through anything. Which is why I don’t want anyone else asking if I’m going to be okay on Sunday. I want people to celebrate the amounts of achievements we’ve had this year. I want to celebrate being a strong woman, one in which is putting her body through the ringer in order to conceive a baby. I want people to understand that I have stage four endometriosis but that I won’t let it define me.
Now, please understand that I feel for any woman who has lost a child. I can’t imagine what that feels like. My hope for you this Mother’s Day is to remember them how they were, what they would look like and what their voice would sound like if they were to call you ‘Mom’. I know it sounds painful but in sad moments we can find joy. So find joy on Mother’s Day. Smile. Laugh. Cry happy tears. Be with your loved ones and know that they understand what you are going through. Life is forever changed when we lose someone we love. Milestone holidays become big days and days we often run from. Let’s not run from our fears but instead face them with every fiber of our being. Because at the end of the day in order to get passed a challenge we must go through it. We can not go through a challenge if we are not ready. Each woman is going to be different. Each woman may not agree with what I’ve said.
I don’t want to be asked if I’ll be okay for major holidays just because others have children and I don’t (right now). Mother’s Day is about celebration for me; fun memories; loving times. I hope when the day arises and you may not be feeling like getting out of bed, you remember the purpose of your being; to stay strong even when you feel like giving up.
Until Next Time,
So I haven’t had a Saturday off since my last surgery. I can tell you it feels weird and even when I had more corporate job I worked in the morning on Saturdays. (I always have Sundays off because I truly believe Sundays aren’t meant to be worked. And I sure love a good football or baseball game on Sunday!)
So we haven’t been up to much since my last post a few weeks ago. I’m stilling our IVF doctor and just completed my first round of Clomid! I can say that the hot flashes are the worst. And I can’t tell which ones were worse… the ones form Lupron or the ones from Clomid. I didn’t have many side effects, except for the occasional headache and I was able to manage those just fine. I had no nausea or vomitting like the directions said I could so that’s a good thing. I did feel a throbbing in my lower right side which the doc said would be normal as my eggs are hopefully getting bigger! AND we had 4 eggs when we started so hopefully on Tuesday when I go for my next ultrasound we will see some pretty good looking eggs.
I can say when all this started I never realized how difficult it would be. I just thought I would have surgery to treat the endometriosis and be on my merry way. I never realized what this disease could do to a person both mentally and physically. I guess you just never know what you are able to withstand until you are faced with adversity. I can say that our families and friends have been really supportive and loving during this time. As I mentioned in a post earlier this week, we do have a plan in place but I won’t be as open about our plan as everything else. Our plan is something we decided together and we’d like to keep it private until we are able to get pregnant.
Speaking of getting pregnant, did you know Russell told me he really wants a January baby?! I had no idea he wanted a winter baby until about a month ago when we politely asked if we could have one around his birthday…more specifically he said he wanted one with his Zodiac sign! I couldn’t help but laugh because I said you can’t request what month your baby is born in. He said he could and is adamant that we’ll have more than one and one will be a January baby. This just goes to show you that even throughout all this stress and heartache does come laughter, which is the best kind of medicine!
I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend and are enjoying this weather!
Until Next Time,
The quote above was what I needed to read this week. I’ve been seeing a lot of pineapples in the most random places and each time I see one I am reminded that a miracle baby will eventually (hopefully soon) be on his or her way.
As most of you know I was on a medication called Aygestin last month. It is a fertility medication that stops your reproductive organs for a brief period of time (mine was 3 weeks). This is to help try to kill off some of the endometriosis and shrink the endometrioma. Well the medication worked in that aspect. I had three more new and growing cysts and the aygestin was able to get rid of them! Yay! I had an ultrasound that showed I had a really healthy egg and we were told to try and if I didn’t get my period I would go in to see if they could find out if we were pregnant. Well I ended up getting my period a few days ago. I’m not going to lie or sugar coat it…I was disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated, and had that feeling of being let down. I gave myself that 10 minutes to cry and be upset and then I immediately called Dr. K’s office. I have an appointment Monday for an ultrasound to make sure my eggs are still healthy and hopefully there are a few more that come out dormancy since the endometrioma has shrunk. I was told by the nurse on the phone we will be going straight to clomid. This medication is more aggressive (in a good way). This will allow our doctor to closely monitor the rest of my cycle, doing some testing and tell us the exact day that is best for conception.
All of this is so exciting to me and I am thinking of how things could work and how our lives could change in an instant. I’ve rearrange the house and done all of my spring cleaning, including clearing out the garage, because the day I am told we are pregnant I want to enjoy every moment of being pregnant. So often I see women complain about how they don’t want to be pregnant anymore once they hit month 7 or 8. But what those women fail to realize is women like me and many many others would give anything to know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside you. I see little comments every day that bother me because from my perspective they are taking their pregnancy for granted because there are so many women who are not blessed with the opportunity to have a child.
To my friends and family with children. Hug them a little closer each time you see them because one of your friends could be going through something so unimaginably lonely and you may not know. Remember 1 of 8 women suffer from endometriosis. 1 in 8.
Please send us all the baby dust in the upcoming weeks. I am hopeful that we can conceive our little miracle baby!
until next time