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Why Don’t You Just Adopt?

Today’s topic: adoption. Before we dive in and get to this blog I want to make it very clear that Russell and I love adoption. We love hearing success stories of people who are going through infertility and they think they have one last shot at having children so they go the adoption route and their family is complete. We are advocates of making sure children have a safe, happy, loving home. I am 100% supportive of adoption.

There is one simple, yet complicated question that keeps being brought up. Why don’t you just adopt? It’s much more complicated than that and here’s why. Adoption isn’t free. Adoption costs on average $25,000. Adoption is also a never guaranteed thing either, because sometimes the woman who is pregnant could change her mind or there are some unforeseen circumstances that change everything for both families. I will say this until the cows come home but I want to experience pregnancy, even if it’s just one child. I want to feel it all, well not all of, like morning sickness, but you know what I mean. I want to invest our money in ourselves. And I can’t tell you how many people take offense to that. In our minds if we go straight from where we are which is stage 4 endometriosis, to adoption we just passed GO without collecting our $200. Basically, we are missing out on opportunities to become parents ourselves.

I’m being 1000% honest when I say this. The moment I/we decide to go for adoption I’ve given up hope that we can conceive on our way. I refuse to give up on myself. Remember Russell has no issues and for a man whose 40th birthday is next month is levels are of that of a man in his early 30’s so we have absolutely nothing to worry about with him. But my clock is ticking a bit faster.  We know that in the next couple of months we are going to have to bite the bullet and begin treatment. We can not risk the endometriosis spreading and causing more damage to the only side I do have. Back to adoption though…sorry we veered left for minute. I am not ready to think about adoption. It makes me very emotional. I know that the universe ultimately is the one who will let us know what we going to be able to. Adoption is scary because even though that child is yours, you didn’t carry them for 9 months and feel the labor pains. As I stated in my last blog that I want to feel what labor feels like. I want to know what a contraction can be. But most importantly I want to feel a bond between my baby and myself.  I want to take a picture of a growing belly and see what fruit my baby compares to. But going through adoption I won’t have that opportunity. And I’m sure those of you reading this are probably like wtf is wrong with her. There are thousands of children that need homes and help and you are saying no. The short answer is I’m saying no for now. Russell and I have been trying naturally for 14 months and clearly my body isn’t functioning because after the first IUI I thought for sure I was pregnant. But it was negative. To me, if we decide to start the adoption process I will have failed myself. My body has failed me when it comes to having the adoption conversation. All I really want to say is let me get through Christmas and then we’ll think a little more, take the rest of the year to apply for 4 amazing loans I found to be a perfect fit for us. More on that in another blog.

I wanted to clear this up because this is one of the most frequently asked questions. So, no adoption in the near future because IVF will work. Even if I have to eat a lot pineapple. Two, we are still trying but not getting any positive results. This part has been frustrating for me because I’m taking advice from the endo doc and they say IVF right away.

Can I be brutally honest for one minute? I’m scared. Scared that I’ll let my husband down. If you don’t know you know he’d give the shirt off his back to a stranger. Shoot, when we were in Detroit for Thanksgiving he game a man $10 and said Merry Christmas. Little things like that remind me daily why I fell in love with him. Anyway, I don’t want to sound selfish but I can’t go through life wondering what would have happened if we didn’t try IVF at least once. I’m in the mindset of one day next year we’ll become parents. There are so many medical advances made every day that it’s insane what scientists and doctors are going to be able to achieve. Please when you ask why I wont adopt it’s because I want my babies made from my husband and me, first. Then if we can’t make that happen we’ll get to another game plan but right now we are putting all of our chips in front of the dealer and hoping we have the winning hand. Please continue to prayer for us, send positive energy, whatever spiritual thing you are into add us to your list of giving thanks and lifting us up. I truly don’t think how strenuous a marriage can be when you throw in every day life stuff but then your partner gets diagnosed with an incurable disease.

Having this been cleared up, please don’t ask me why I won’t adopt because I refuse to give up on myself, my husband and everything we’ve talked about thus far in our journey.

 

I’m thinking of doing a Q&A for my next blog so if you have any questions please shoot me a message on facebook and I’ll go through them and answer then for you!

Until Next Time

xoxoxox

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Still having Hot Flashes…

This week has been filled with highs and lows. Needless to say I’m ready to relax tomorrow and forget the world exists. July 25 I went into the fertility doctor’s office and they gave me the shot. They said once week 12 hits I shouldn’t have hot flashes, insomnia, etc. I’m having the hot flashes and even worse the ever before. My ears turn bright red,  my nose turns red and my entire body from top to bottom sweats so much you’d think I Just ran a marathon.

It’s been a long week because there has been a lot to do. I had to schedule our second opinion. We’ve decided it’s best to go to Cincinnati. I already see a Nuerologist at UC Health. Dr. Vij. He’s amazing and the reason I keep going back to get my botox! I’m getting my last botox treatment until after we give birth. In order to get botox I have to count four months out on the calendar and know when we’re in the safe zone to conceive.  But I am excited to meet this new guy and see what he has to say. Everyone is going to be different but I hope he will hear me when I speak to him. We have a lot more reasons for choosing UC Health but getting the best care is what is most important to us, especially if I have to pay for everything then I’ll make sure  we are seeing the person we want to see. Not to mention our current doctor can’t see us until we are ready to begin IVF treatment. We feel this is the perfect time to get a second opinion. I realize all the costs that are associated with infertility but I am signing up to get pregnant.

But I’ve had such a down week. It all began at the beginning of the week because I was feeling awful. I had to cancel a few appointments I had with friends and with my doctors simply because I couldn’t get out of bed. I cried a lot and  said to the universe ” why is this happening to us? I’ve been a little unstable emotionally this week. Every little thing stressing me out. I’m noticing negative thoughts are entering my space. Thoughts talking about me as a mother, how do I deserve a child over someone else, am I ready, etc. All these questions are consuming me and for a split second earlier this week I thought maybe I’m being punished for something I did in a past life. But I’m coming around now.

Some days are better than others and I’m still learning how to deal with emotions that infertility brings.  As also, please hug a friend extra tight and let them know you’re there. Even if it’s just to text about their day. I have a very small circle of girlfriends and one of them has been so understanding of why I can’t do things when I did say I could do. She understands how much this takes out of me. I’m not ignoring anyone if they are trying to hang out!

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

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The little things make you realize how much you want a baby, but also how possible it could be for one couple and impossible for the other couple. I am 1 in 8.

I was watching one of my favorite shows, Eric and Jessie on E!. They were talking about whether or not to have a baby and if they’d try for another because they said it was easy for them. Her sister who was pregnant at the time said well how are you feeling? So naturally Jessie went to take the test. Eric walks in and is asking what they’re doing and he sees the test is negative. The next scene is the family hugging together saying it’s not meant to be this month. See that brought back so many emotions and I started crying. For those that haven’t caught on yet, crying is one thing I’m pretty damn good at.

But in all honest the memories of the TWW a few months ago were brutal. They were more than brutal. There were days that felt like they were drag on so slowly and we’d never get to test. Then test day comes and you don’t really sleep the night before because you’re so anxious you have to know. I am also a super type A personality.  I also remember wondering the entire time “are we pregnant?”. The first time I thought for sure because I was having some unusual cravings and then I was having a few pregnancy symptoms but the test came out negative anyway. That was more heartbreaking than my boyfriend in high school saying I was boring and he wanted to date someone else. It was more heartbreaking knowing my body couldn’t do it. Then the second time we did the TWW and I felt nothing. Not one symptom. No tiredness. No nausea. Nothing. And sure enough the test was negative. The feelings of loneliness and depression have been sinking in lately. The holidays are coming and I’m wondering what the next few months will look like. I’m working as much as can without wearing myself out but all I think about is when it’ll be our time. It’s funny (not really) but I’ve been told that if this the path I’m walking and being guided down then maybe God is saying I don’t deserve to be a mother. I think that’s rude and harsh but that’s her opinion so I’m deciding to leave that there.We’ll start the IVF process at the very beginning of spring after the holidays. I’m looking forward to continuing fighting and going through hell and back.

For now, it’s ovulation kits, timed intercourse, and trying some wives tales on how to get pregnant.

Until Next Time

xoxo

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Infertility Grants

This week we’ll be talking about grant and funding options for infertility. I’m sure this is not something that one wants to read at 1am but I have so much on my mind that I have to write.

For instance, I’m wondering how this is going to get paid for. Like most couples going through this (unless you are rich) the money can be hard to save. Not only do you have your monthly bills to pay for but you also have to save for this HUGE expense. And don’t get me wrong I’m not saying paying for a baby isn’t worth every single penny we have spent and are spending, it’s just well… hard. I don’t want to put the exact amount out there but if you do the research you’ll come to find out IVF is the cost of some pretty nice cars, a down payment on a house, or lots of money in your savings account.

Another thought: what if we can’t come up with the money and we can’t receive treatment? This is hard. I will keep saying this is hard because it is. With how advanced my condition is we don’t have more than 2 years or so to have our babies. That means by the time I hit 30 I’ll most likely have to have a hysterectomy so the endometriosis can’t continue to grow. I think it’s important to go through IVF because I can’t have children naturally. I’ve gone through my story and won’t go through it again but when you have had one tube removed and one that is non-functioning it makes things more difficult.

One more thought: Holy shit there are grants! I had no idea there were fertility grants available for those going through infertility. I still have research to do about the organizations, what criteria they are looking for and what types of couples these organizations sponsor but I’d love to give every option a thought. From the little research I’ve done there are two grant options available that we can apply for. The other three or four have very specific listings like you have to live in a specific state or be of a specific religion. The two I plan on applying for are the Baby Quest Foundation’s grant and the Tininia Q Cade Foundation grant. Baby Quest helps up to $16,000 and Tininia Q. Cade foundation will help up to $10,000 per family. I know it’s probably a shot in the dark and we may not even receive help but I have to try.

Throughout this process we said we would do whatever it takes. If I have to sit down for a few hours and relive my college days of writing essays on why we should be chosen to receive a grant that’s what I’ll do. If I have to sell toothpaste until I’ve asked every single person I know if they’ll buy some I will. I am telling you the yearning I have to becoming a mother is a feeling I’ve never felt. There’s a passion that I can’t explain. I’m also scared. Scared that something will go wrong and my dreams will shatter. I’m afraid I’ll never get to hold my baby, someone I’m already in love with and they haven’t been created or held or kissed yet. I’m afraid I won’t hold little fingers moments after birth. And I’m most of afraid of letting myself down. Because the only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother.

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

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Hello Friends!

It’s been SUCH a long time! So much has happened, yet time seems to stand still some days. I’m at a point in my journey where the pain is now chronic. If I don’t have a heating pad, ice pack or a comfortable place to sit I am very much in pain. Pain so much that it starts in my lower back and radiates up to my shoulders. I cramp randomly and I never know when they’ll happen. I don’t sleep because of the Lupron and am now seeking the help of a physical therapist.

For those that don’t know Depo-Lupron is a shot that stops a woman from having a period. I had it last year but don’t remember much of it because it was only one month doses. This time I got the 3 month dose. Lupron will force your reproductive system into menopause. You know all those times when your mom says “Is anybody else hot in here?” and you think okay you’re a little nuts… that has turned into me multiple times a day. I have hot flashes so bad it gets hard to breathe and I start sweating. There is nothing anyone can do I am supposed to be hitting a window where they will plateau. I’m hoping those moments are coming soon because I don’t want to relive this again 20-25 years. After this we’ll go through the IVF process. I am ready right now to start the process. I would start tomorrow if it were possible, however, we all know that unless you’re famous or just have a very well paying job, it takes time to save up the money for IVF. As I’ve stated before we have agreed to do whatever it takes to do this. I don’t think either of us have wanted something more in our lives.

I’m going through physical therapy because I can’t keep taking medications to help with the back pain. I am seeing a woman named Ellen and she is amazing! She knows about scar tissue and the damage it can cause to your organs. She explained to me that my lower abdominal muscles were extremely weak. She said my intestines were stuck in places it shouldn’t be and my pelvis is tilted all the way to my tailbone (ouch!). I have 30 sessions with her and she is hopeful we’ll be able to get my body in a better place. This will not only allow me to start working out again but it will be a better vessel to carry a baby(ies). Ellen knows about endometriosis and it’s effects on the female body. She has also an adoptive daughter. For me I really need to be able to connect to the staff at my doctor’s offices. At the IVF office I know one of the nurses and all the other women are so incredibly invested in us getting pregnant that I feel like I’ve connected with them. The staff Kettering Hospital is always great when I go there if I’m having a real bad flair up. And now Ellen. She was telling me about her journey through adoption and that it wasn’t easy but she now has this beautiful daughter whom she is very thankful for. I can already tell we’ll be laughing and healing at the same time!

Well, I think that’s all I have for now. I’m going to try to get some sleep but it looks nearly impossible at this point 😉 I hope everyone has a great weekend ahead of them and a GREAT National Fantasy Football Day on Saturday!

 

Until Next Time,

xoxo

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My Mom Told Me to Stay off Facebook but…

Welcome to another late night post! The title of this blog is dedicated to my mommy. She saw that I got offended by a post going around social media. For those that haven’t seen the post it is an ultrasound of twins. People are posting that they’re pregnant only for the end of the caption to say we just wanted to say congrats to whomever is having these babies. It had been about the tenth time I saw the post and out of frustration I said it is really insensitive to post fake pregnancy announcements. Ya know, like the ones where everyone says they’re pregnant on April Fools Day, only for it to be a joke. Now after that I got feedback about my post, specifically from mommy. She said right now I’m too sensitive to be seeing things related to pregnancy so I should probably should stay away from social media. BUT we all know I have to play devil’s advocate here and now that I’m an adult I can (sometimes) go against what my mom says to do. (Although I could fail miserably while not taking her advice in the first place lol) She just understands what I’m going through, the serious amount of medication my body has undertaken over the last 18 months and the fact that it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Anyway, I got some criticism saying that if we can’t find humor in some things then we’ll never be able to laugh at anything. So there are mixed reviews and my mom is just trying to protect me from getting my feelings hurt unintentionally by what one person posts. To be fair she is right. I’ve never experience a level of sensitivity like this. And for those who know me know I’ve always been a sensitive person but I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster. Not all days, but some days. There are days when I cry asking the universe why I’m not good enough for a baby. There are days when I’m angry or frustrated that I can’t get pregnant after 9 months of marriage. Then I just sit and wonder ‘why me’? I wonder if there is something I did in a past life to have to go through this now. Maybe it’s to make me appreciate the journey we are going on. AND speaking of journey’s, this Wednesday at 3pm I will be going to our IVF specialist for my Lupron shot! I have waited very anxiously to see what was going to happen. I’m so thankful for the nurses and Dr. Karnitis for doing everything they can to help us. From answering all my phone calls, voicemails, and seeing me when things seem to be a little less than urgent. I am blessed to have such an amazing support staff and although this shot is going to burn like hell it’s the very first step to take to get to IVF. This road is going to be long, expensive, and worth.every.penny. The day I get to create a life inside and hold my little baby Young for the first time will be amazing. I don’t even have words to describe that feeling now. All I can say is that feeling is a yearning. A yearning for someone I already know I love unconditionally. I have a yearning to hold them close to my skin, smell their sweet baby smell, all while delicately kissing each part of their face. Trying to become a mother is full of overwhelming, heartbreaking, hopelessness. But for us we can’t keep silent, even if people don’t understand. My goal is to just educate one person on how endometriosis can severely change the life of a young woman. So I’m sorry mom but I won’t be staying off Facebook because a message needs spread around the globe that women need more affordable healthcare for reproductive health. Infertility needs to be considered as a general service, instead of a specialty service that we no option but to pay out of pocket for. Infertility needs to be brought up because there are also women who can’t afford to seek treatment, therefore feeling lost. If I lose friends or lose supporters along the way through this, that’s on them. I’m on a mission and I Continue reading “My Mom Told Me to Stay off Facebook but…”

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I Am That Girl

As many of you know, I am now the new Dayton Chapter Leader for the AUH-MAZING non-profit organization called I Am That Girl. For those that don’t know this non-profit is a fairly new organization. I am beyond grateful to be the leader for the city of Dayton. So here is some information so you can get to know a little bit more about what I will be doing and trying to accomplish.

I AM That Girl (IATG) was founded in 2008 by Alexis Jones and Emily Greener. Their mission is to empower young women through having honest and open conversations in a safe environment. Thank goodness for women like them starting their own non-profit to bring women up, not tear them down.

I decided to get involved because all too often we see how awful people can be towards one another. I have seen first hand the way young women are spoken to and I want to change that. I want to change so many things about our society (but that’s another post for a different day). I want to change how women view themselves. How many times do we say “I’m fat” “I’m ugly” “I’m not wearing a cute outfit”…the list goes on. I want to change that. I want girls to say I’m pretty without having to wear a lot of makeup. I don’t need to be a certain size for me to think I’m pretty. I want women to say my body is the way that is it and I’m so thankful for the way I was made because that’s what makes me unique. We all can’t be the same. We all can’t look the same. BUT we all can defy the Hollywood stereotype of what makes a woman beautiful. I’m telling you what ladies, ALL of you reading this is beautiful. You are all unique and that makes you special. You don’t have to be a model to be pretty. You don’t have to have a lot of money to be pretty. What makes a person pretty is what is in their soul. Are you the kind of person that wants to see others succeed? I hope so.

I personally believe your vibe attracts your tribe. If you are negative you are going to get negative friends. If you are positive you are going to get positive friends. You can’t lead a negative life and expect to get positive results. What you put out into the universe is what you will receive. So surround yourself with like minded women who want to change the word. Because I tell you what, it only takes one woman’s fierce determination to change one thing. It’s better to change one thing about the world and leave it a little better than you came into, than to not try at all.

Until next time!

xoxo

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Black or White?

Rachel Dolezal has started a conversation in America that we may not be prepared for. By Rachel Dolezal, born a white woman to a white family, saying she identifies as a black woman, the country is going to start the conversation of does race matter?

Yes race does matter. But being honest about who you are matters too. You can be a white person and identify as black. You can also be a black person and identify as white. All those things are fine. But if a black person altered their identity to look more white and told people things that weren’t true, that would become a problem.

Here’s my issue with Rachel. She lied about who she is. She changed her appearance, which is fine because how many times have we seen people alter their appearance to who they truly are. Bruce Jenner, Laverne Cox, and Aydian Dowling to name a few. These people were not afraid to change who they are and teach people that being your authentic self is very important. Here is how they are different from Rachel, they didn’t lie. They never lied about who they were previously. They have their own stories to tell but it seems Rachel has taken her “story” and tried to make a difference being a black woman. Did she think that was going to make her like other prominent black women in history?Did she think she could get away with this forever? Does she think she can tell people whatever they want to hear and they will believe her? Well so far, she has. She has told stories about an African American man being her father, which is simply not true. She is not black at all. She simply identifies as black.

But where is the line crossed? So what if she wants to have dreads, a perm or even darken her skin to get the “look” she wants. She crossed the line when she worked for the NAACP in Spokane and told people she is black. The NAACP is a highly prestigious organization that helps better black communities through the country. However, why couldn’t she have made a difference being a white woman? Was she afraid that the black community would shun her or make her work harder? Would she not be accepted like she wanted to be? Why did she feel like the only way to make a difference was to lie? Identify with what you want. Dress how you want. Do your hair how you want. Talk how you want to talk. But don’t lie.

Rachel Dolezal has sparked a conversation about what it means to be black or white, but I’m not sure it is for the right reasons. This country needs leaders who are going to be honest, forthcoming about who they really are. This country needs strong, level-headed, honest leaders who are going to be inspirations to future generations. These leaders should be people who aren’t afraid to be who they are. However, these leaders also need to be transparent. Without transparency there is not trust. Without trust there is unrest. With unrest comes violence.

I’m not sure Rachel truly thought through the consequences of her actions, the only thing she is thinking about now is the amount of money that will soon (if not already) be coming her way, since every news outlet will want to interview her. Every publisher will want her “story” and the production companies will want to tell the world who Rachel Dolezal really is.