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Patience is a Virtue

“Good relationships are not just about the good times we share; they’re also about the obstacles you go through together and the fact that you still say ‘I love you’ at the end” ——-Unknown

I’ve been finding quotes that I think go along with the topic I’ve chosen for my blog post. I posted last week about grief and the quote chosen just spoke to me, just like this quote does. I chose this quote because I wanted to talk about my husband, Russell in this post, so this one is dedicated to you babe!

Russell and I met in October 2007 and began dating in July 2008. So we are coming up on our 10 year anniversary! Where the heck has the time gone? He has been with me through my awful migraine days when I can’t get out of bed or look at any lights or hear sounds because it makes things worse. He has cleaned up more vomit than I’d care to admit and he has been amazingly patient and positive during this hard time in our lives. When you find out you have an incurable disease you want to curl up and cry. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had my fair share of coming home crying because the answers to my questions from my doctors were not what I wanted to hear. He would also hold me while my face is buried in chest sobbing. He picked up when after two rounds of Clomid and two negative pregnancy tests devastated me he was there to snuggle me and tell me everything would be okay. He even told me that after two failed IUI’s we’d be just fine and we’ll have a family before we know it. I mean honestly, does it get any better than this????

The quote above talks about how relationships need to evolve and grow. Having a disease that is unpredictable can be hard. It’s hard to make plans and do things because I could flair up and down and out for hours or just minutes…you just know with endo. I remember last year Russell and I were on our way to a Reds game and my lower back started hurting really bad. I thought to myself while I was getting dressed that everything would be okay and I could make it because that was our date night! We didn’t even get to highway before we had to turn around and go back home because I couldn’t take the pain. I started to get upset because I ruined date night. There was another incident at Fleming’s about a year ago. We were having our monthly date night and I was feeling so bad. I didn’t way much and boxed my food. At the time I was taking all the medications and they were making me feel sick. Russell picked up that I wasn’t feeling well and asked for our food to be boxed so he could take me home. It was the sweetest gesture because to me that’s an example of chivalry. ( #chivalryisnotdead) One last incident where I wasn’t feeling well we were at dinner at Carvers. Now this was probably a year and half ago. I started to feel like I was getting a migraine but I took my imitrex in hopes that it would work before we left for dinner. Not really. The music, lights, all the noise…I thought  my head was going to explode. We ordered food because I thought I needed something to keep my hydrated and something to coat my stomach and get back to normal. As dinner progressed I have to excuse myself a few times to the ladies room because I was throwing up. Once Russell saw my face he said we were going home and he would save my dinner for tomorrow. He finished eating at home.

I never thought I’d be married to such a great man. He is the calm to my crazy and the light on my bad days. Today I had a bad day and there he was taking care of me like usual. I love this man so much and can’t wait for the day I can give him some babies to love on!

Until Next Time

xoxo

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babies, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, wife, women, women's issues

PGS Testing–Should we or shouldn’t we??

I wouldn’t be able to end the week properly without some sort of post and the usual me complaining about my pain levels. I worked a shifted that literally kicked my ass and I feel like I won’t fully recover from this shift until Monday. Then another long week since its Valentines’ week. So by next Saturday I can’t imagine how I’ll be feeling. Until then let’s chat.

“No matter how tough and scary the storms get, you will make it through” –unknown

This quote is rather fitting because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of the what if’s are popping up too. Ya know just the other day I was wondering what the next three months with a cycle and Lupron would be like. Would I end up coming out of that end a loser or a winner? Now, this situation is never going to happen because my Lupron has been approved by insurance and will arrive within the next week. So bring on the countdown to when I can feel back to normal and we start our IVF stuff. I’m not gonna lie I’m a little scared. This entire process is terrifying. I’ll never forget sitting in Dr. Karnitis’ office and he explained the entire procedure to use. It made me feel a little scared I don’t know how many embryos we’ll be able to freeze after they implant the number we do want. Then I don’t know if they’ll make it to stick. From there will they split? Will they remain their single bodied selves waiting to grow. I’m literally wondering right now where baby stuff would fit into my house. (I have officially lost my mind) And I can honestly tell you it’s things like that that are bothering me. Yes, I’m going to have to give myself shots in my belly, but remember I’ve done that twice before and I know it burns.

So here’s the one thing I’m not so sure about. There is a process when the embryos are made and are getting ready to come back into my body. Do we test them? Or do we go with my gut and not do it? The test is a PGS, preimplantation genetic screening. Refers to removing one or more cells from an embryo to test for chromosomal normalcy. I struggle with this because I do believe in a high power of the universe. I believe this higher being to be in control of my babies. My Reiki specialist has had dreams of my grandmother holding the souls of my daughters until they are ready to come live with us! I believe in the spiritual power and one that you try not to “fix”. However, if we have to go to these lengths to have a baby why not take the chance? Taking one cell out of the embryo won’t change them in any way. I guess I need to do more research and consult our doctor because everything has be finalized before May arrives. And I just realized May is going to creep up very quickly, after Valentines day we basically have one week left in February, then its March and we are talking about Endometriosis Awareness Month, and celebrating St. Patty’s Day. Then it’s April where we play tricks on people because its hilarious and singing April Showers Bring May Flowers. Then before you know it youre that person singing that song in MAY!

I would appreciate all the love and positive thoughts, feelings and hugs our way. The journey isn’t over yet…it has only just begun

Until Next Time

xoxoxoxo

 

 

babies, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Grief

Hello! Hello! Hello! Welcome to this week’s edition of I have endometriosis and we are no closer to finding a cure and we still do not have proper drinking water in Flint. All I’m saying here before getting into my blog is that some things take a while to figure out, however, the water situation is what worries me because I feel like there should have been able to come up with a  solution on it but instead we never hear about it. Any who, let’s jump right into this weeks topic: grief.

“Infertility is a loss of a dream. It’s the loss of an assumed future. And, like every loss, it will be grieved.” –Unknown

Today I grieved. I grieved alone because sometimes that’s what is best for me in the moment. I don’t always grieve alone but if I need to talk to Russell he is there and so are my friends. Without them as my shoulders to cry on I would have completely gone insane by now. Today started out just fine. I always get up last because Russell goes to work so early so I get to sleep in on my days off, which by the way is amazing, and I’m very thankful he lets me get the rest I need. I know he’s gone to work because he’ll give me soft kiss on the forehead and say I love you. Then off he goes. The girls and I get an extra hour and two to rest. Now I don’t always fall back asleep so we may catch up on Housewives, Scandal, HTGAWM, or put on a movie. After we are ready to get our morning going I feed the girls, brush my teeth, decide if I’m going to look like a crazy person or just a normal person with bad style. Today I opted for a pair of shorts with a sweatshirt (which I’ve always hated!) And for those that know anyone with endometriosis just getting dressed sometimes is a HUGE accomplishment. I don’t check my phone right away just because I know I’m going to have check my email and of course who can resist getting on their phone and NOT checking Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat? No one. I’m sitting down at my surface getting ready to see what happened since the Superbowl ended and it came out today that Matt Patricia is coming the Detroit Lions as our 43rd head coach! Can’t wait for a great year and hopefully some deep playoff runs and maybe a Superbowl?? Anyway, I’m super off topic now. So I’m scrolling through Insta and see that Kylie just gave birth to a girl (reportedly her name is Butterfly and I really hope its a joke). Then another news cycle posted a photo of Kylie and Khloe pregnant together. Then I see Chrissy Teigen and her adorable bump. Then I see Kelly Stafford with her twin girls. Lastly, I saw Tia Mowry-Hardrict flaunting that beautiful bump and more glowing than I’ve ever seen. And ya know Jessie James Decker and all her perfect bump pics just take the cake. I know Chrissy and Tia know what it’s like to have infertility issues. I just hope that each of these women understand what women like me feel like. I’m not sure how many people saw it but I posted on Instagram some thoughts that were running through my head. I was holding back tears like a pro and couldn’t believe I did it. This journey is so hard. I beat myself up daily about anything and everything. For instance, Russell and I were watching Tin Cup, one of our favorites, and he saw a shirt that Rene Russo happened to be wearing and it’s ironically back in style. He said you’d look so cute in that. I appreciated the compliment but I was like no I tried on something similar but it just made me look fatter than I already do. Of course being my husband he rolled his eyes. I’m self conscious, I hate the way my body looks, I’m terrified if I have to get in a bikini, I can’t wear crop tops because they hug the parts of my body that I don’t want accentuated. Today I realized I’ve lost myself. I feel like I’m asking for help but people are too busy to answer or call back. Most of my friends have kids so I understand they have to be home for them. My other best friend is in the middle of wedding planning and I know how much fun that was so I’m trying to allow her to focus on herself and her day.

One more quick story about how my day was just reminded of infertility and what steps you go through to get pregnant. We watch a show called the Good Doctor on ABC. It is phenomenal. One couple who is in their 40’s are trying to get pregnant but they can’t because there is an abnormality and they need another test. The husband starts blaming his wife for waiting too long because she wanted to open her own business and earlier he was traveling and teaching so they had no time. Plus, she made the point she was going to go raise a child with a nanny. When they went back to the doctor she said I’m sorry but your semen analysis shows a low count. I kind of had a feeling it was him because some men had more infertility problems than we can think of. During the couples  visit they were using terms only a couple who has gone to an reproductive endocrinologist would know those terms. I rattled off 10 terms and Russell was like they said everything we’re about to do. The only thing they didn’t mention was the Clomid and Ovidrel shots. Again, two not so fun medications. I turned to look at Russell and I said I feel their heartache and they’re just actors. But I feel them because we are living with this. He said I know but each day is going to be better than the last. I’m very grateful for him and hope that I can repay him for taking such great care of me the last few years that I’ve been sick.

So this brings me to my final point about being able to grieve. Several friends have said it’s okay to not be okay. The first time I hear that I was like who says that? I’ve realized I can only take so much. Some days are better than others but today was just hard. That feeling I have to be a mother crept back in and doesn’t want to leave. Part of me doesn’t ever want it to leave. May seems so far away but I hope these next few months can fly by so we can get this show on the road.

Until Next Time

xoxoxoxo

Dayton, endometriosis, illness, infertility, life, mama to be, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women's issues

The “in between”

The amount of pain I’m in I can’t describe. It always starts on the left side of my back. Mid to lower back towards my spine. Maybe the area in which my kidneys are in. The pain is so intense I can’t stand it. I try to stretch it out, go onto all fours and push my back up and down to see if that will relieve the pain and it doesn’t. The best part is I’ve been denied by insurance to get an MRI because there isn’t sufficient evidence sent from my doctors office. This is the third time my doctors office hasn’t sent in the proper forms so I can see whats going on with my insides. And you can’t get an MRI at the ER either, I called to check and they don’t. So while I’m sitting here at level 10 pain writhing, these doctors and nurses are sleeping well at night. But the truth is my back has hurt every day for the last two years. Ever since my left tube and ovary were removed I have pain. Pain that no one wants to address because “if we give you pain medication you could get an addiction”– that’s what my doctors office says. My OB/GYN on a visit to a different doc because mine was in surgery said ” I’m really sorry for your pain but you’ll have to figure out how to live like this. Come up with ways that will help decrease your pain and just go through trial and error.” A legit medical professional told this to me about 4 months ago. It was soul crushing. I’m sitting in my bed as uncomfortable as one can be times one hundred and there’s nothing anyone can do. This ladies and gentleman is the part of endo I hate. Being in enormous amounts of pain while no one takes me seriously and my husband has to listen to me complain and see the pained look on my face all day and night. This aspect of endo makes functioning pretty damn hard. This is the part of endo I wish I could get passed but until I figure out my new normal I’ll be here, in the in between for a little while longer.

 

Until Next Time

 

xoxo

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Just When You Start to Feel Alone…

There’s this group on Facebook called Endometriosis and Me. I stumbled across the website and noticed that the women there seem so connected. And not in the everyone is connected on Facebook way, but that much deeper connection, is the type of relationship these women are in. At the time of me looking for a group to join I needed a group like this. For the last year I’ve been pretty quiet. I only ask questions that are really concerning or to get medication advice from these women.  I have never met any of these women but for some reason I feel like we are bonded and connected by this disease. This disease is awful and with doctors and big pharma it will continue to take on average 10 years before a woman is diagnosed with this disease.

And can we talk about these women? These women are some of the strongest women I’ve ever “met “in my life. They share their stories. They share when they’re having a tough day. They share when they can’t get out of the house and do something normal because when this disease grabs hold of your body it doesn’t let go. We make plans only to cancel them last minute because we don’t feel well or can’t seem to move out from our fetal position on the floor with the heating pad wrapped around our bellies. These women really, truly, understand what the saying ‘the little things matter’ means. Our little things are small victories like getting out of bed, showering, putting on real clothes, no leggings and a sweatshirt, real decent clothing. Our little things are getting through the day without feeling a stabbing pain at some point in your stomach, back, or pelvic area. For me my wins include putting makeup on on a day when I’m not working; cleaning the entire house without feeling like I’ve been hit by a train going 100 miles per hour. Small victories can get us throughout the day but not always.

There are some days when you’ve accomplished a few things but in your mind it’s not enough. That’s where having a person who supports you is so important. In the group, Endometriosis and Me I asked the girls to share their story of who their person is. A few girls said they are single and live alone so they don’t have a person. These women also mentioned how hard dating is with endometriosis, which I can’t even imagine since dating seems to be the worst thing to want to do right now, endo or not. But, Crystal’s story really got me emotional. She talked about her boyfriend and how much he has been able to get her through this. She said her journey has been especially hard. But he is there for her. He lays in bed with her and they do Netflix marathons, while snuggling and eating popcorn. She is going through the depo shot and I pray she doesn’t experience all the awful things I did. She mentioned how he rubs her feet, draws her relaxing baths, and goes to all of her appointments because he knows how bad her anxiety in doctor’s office settings are for her. There’s something that can happen along the journey of going through endometriosis. We as women start to think we aren’t pretty enough or good enough for our partners. Her story and testimony are why strong relationships exist. Her story is a true example of true love. When a woman is diagnosed with endo and their partner finds out there is a possibility they may never have children it’s scary. Don’t think for one second that I wasn’t telling Russell to never leave me. In fact, after my left ovary and tube were removed, during our engagement, I told him I would understand if he wanted to be with someone who didn’t have endometriosis, who could give him everything he wants in life. But he said he will always choose me and I am forever grateful for my husband and his decision to help me fight this. Every woman you talk to will have a different story on who their person is. But usually it’s the person who is there for them most and takes care of them. For me, my person is my husband because even though he’s sick right now he’s making sure I have enough pillows and blankets to keep me warm. He is my angel sent from heaven.

To all the girls out there who feel alone, like we all do at times, let’s connect! Leave a comment with your social media and we can be friends, even if it’s just the kind of friends to talk about who shitty endo is. And if you have a story to share of your person I’d love to hear about it! Connect with me on Facebook or Instagram or on here! And please remember your self worth and value are more than what this disease makes you think.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

babies, blogger, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Crazy Questions People Ask

I know this blog is titled ‘crazy questions people ask’ but this blog is just a question I was asked tonight that I didn’t have the answer to. It took a lot of thought and I’m still up at almost 3am thinking about it so I thought I’d put into a blog…or rather throw this onto the page and see what happens.

So for starters I’m always taken aback at people’s questions. Like the normal one I get is ” when are you going to start having kids?”. First, I want to make it very clear that each couple is different. Some people don’t want to have children. Some have a plan in place that doesn’t require them to be in a rush. Some are still teetering on the idea of having children but financially aren’t sure they want to. Some want to travel and live life first. Some want to start right away. No matter what a couple chooses to do I think it should be respected and not harped on. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering where this is all coming from. (Disclaimer * I’m not upset by the questions people ask about infertility…but sometimes it’s tough to answer strangers questions). I got to talking to a table who commented on my ring. I told them our wedding story, where we got married, yada yada yada. I didn’t mention children because it’s hard for me to talk about. All of a sudden at the same they asked, “you’ve been married for a little while when are you going to start trying for a family? I told them my husband and I are hopefully adding to our family soon but I have fertility issues and we are seeking treatment from a specialist. That’s just my standard answer because I don’t know exactly when things are happening and let’s be honest, I’m not telling strangers when my baby is going to be made by my specialist. I’m pretty sure we aren’t telling anyone when that day is because I don’t want to be asked a thousand times if we’re pregnant before we’re ready to share the news. * getting back on track now* All of the sudden the wife asked me what it’s like to be infertile. This is the question that has me up thinking about the last 3 years. I told her it’s tough but I manage. That each day has it’s own challenges but with the help of our doctor and his team I know we’ll have children I just don’t know when.

I didn’t get into any specifics with them because that’s personal and unless you’re family or one of my close friends, you know what I’m going through and what we need to do in order to have children. But this has me thinking, like what is it really like being infertile. I’ve compiled a list of words I can think of that describe what being infertile is like.

Heartbreaking. Challenging. Embarrassing. Tough. Sad. Frustrating. Agonizing. Hurtful. Failure. Lost. Depressing. Tiring. Damaging. Stressful. Aching. Bitter. Pessimistic. Optimistic. Doubtful. Hopeful. Somber. Anticipative.

There’s so many more words I can think of to describe what being infertile is like. I literally want to cry every day because the yearning I have for a child just grows each day. Each day is one day closer to children but it’s also a reminder that not being on Lupron means the disease is growing back. And what point will it wipe out my entire system? Exactly how much time do we have? All I know is that we may be able to squeeze in two pregnancies and then I’m done (which is ironic because I always joked with Russell that he’d have to get snipped but looks like he won’t have to now hehe) There are so many times during the day where I wonder off in my thoughts and just think why? But there isn’t an answer. And I know 1 in 8 women are going through this… some just now finding out while others are years, if not decades, into their journey’s. I’m just grateful for a husband who supports me and takes care of me as much as he does because being newlyweds we should be adventuring instead of buying heating pads and looking up ways to relieve endo flare ups. But this is the path we are meant to be on. I can’t say I’m 100% grateful for the journey yet but one day I’m sure while looking at my children, all the blood, sweat and tears (literally) to get them here will all be worth it.

So here’s to being asked questions that make me delve deep into my emotional self to answer what it’s like to be an infertile women.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

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Question and Answer Session

I wanted to change up the blogging aspect of this post. Lately it’s been about our journey towards IVF and I am so grateful to be sharing that with you but I wanted to see what questions you all had and I can answer them for you! So here we go!!

Q: What is Endometriosis? I’ve never heard of it.

A: Endometriosis is a condition where the layer of tissues that normally covers the inside of the uterus grows outside of it. Basically, when a woman has her period each month the lining is supposed to shed; it doesn’t and comes back to gets stuck to parts of our body that we need, like our ovaries, fallopian tubes, and other organs but is is very rare for it to spread to other organs.  There are also four stages of endometriosis, stage 1-4. I have stage 4. I am one of the unlucky girls because my endometriosis had spread to colon. More on that in another question.

Q:What symptoms did you have and how did you find out you had endometriosis? 

A: During my time of the month I would get really sick. So sick in fact that I would throw up for days on end, have a migraine so bad I couldn’t work, and the cramps were so bad in my back and pelvis that I couldn’t walk. Finally after trying to fight it off I went to the OB and he told me there was a possibility it could be endo (endometriosis) and the only way to detect it is through a laparascopy. I didn’t hesitate and two weeks later I went in for surgery. Each person also varies with their symptoms but most times they are very similar in each case.

Q: How do you find out you have it?

The only way to find out you have endo is through a laparascopy. It’s a laser guided by a robot to look through your stomach, uterus and surrounding areas. I found out I was stage 4 at the age of 26. I was also told that day after surgery that I was infertile. I was stag four because there was so much scar tissue some of the pictures were unrecognizable as to which organ the doctor was looking at. During that time they also found that my entire left side was non-functioning. Four weeks later I had another laparascopy because the pain isn’t getting any better. March of 2016 I had my entire left side removed. They also saw an anomaly. My color and uterus were fused together with scar tissue, So they had to take those apart and put them back where they belong.

On average a woman goes 10 years without finding out she has endometriosis because there is no current testing that we have to detect it early.

Q: Isn’t it just bad cramps? 

A: No. No. and No. I would take cramps any day than deal wtih endo. Endometriosis is more than just cramping because you are dealing with endo every day of the week, not just when you’re on you’re period. So no, endo is NOT JUST cramps.

Q: What are the stages of infertility? 

A: For me there are several ways to interpret this. But for me there is grief that comes along with being an infertile woman.  I think the five stages of grief fit perfectly with the stages of infertility.

  1. Denial: No woman wants to be told their infertile so they don’t believe it. They keep to their scheduled nights of having sex but after so long of not getting pregnant you wonder why and realize your in the stage of denial.
  2. Anger: I know I was angry for a long time. I wanted to know why this wasn’t found sooner, what could I have done to prevent it. But the reality is I couldn’t have done anything differently.
  3. Bargaining: You start to bargain with God or whomever you believe in. If you give me a baby I promise I won’t buy another puppy.
  4. Depression: This stage is the hardest. The is when everything is stating to sink in. You may never have children, Or depending on what parts work and what don’t surrogacy and adoption may be the only opions.
  5. Acceptance: I’ve come to accept my endometriosis. I’ve only been diagnosed for about three years. And in that three years I went through the stages of grief. My husband watched me on my weakest days say why me? why us? But I have to realize that when I can accept that I have an incurable disease I can educate others on how they can be supportive to those who don’t have children and want them to be happy.

Q: Why Me? 

A: I can not tell you how many times I’ve asked this question. So for anyone going through infertility, it’s okay to say why me? It’s okay to stay in your sweats and grieve a little. I know I have. Today I was having a rough flare up and started crying asking Russell for reassurance. But yes ladies, its okay to say why me and have a pity party.

Q: Why do we have to hide our endometirosis? And who projects this? Self or Others? 

A: This is a great question. I think because endo has to do with our lady parts and lady parts are a taboo subject we just don’t talk about it. We have our groups to be able to lean on our girls when when need it. I also think others are still ashamed of their diagnosis and they don’t want people to think less of them. I think part of endo not being normalized has to do with those of us who have the disease to talk to. I also think it’s others not wanting to talk about women’s reproductive systems because again they are taboo topics. But the more we talk about endo the more knowledge we put into the world.

Q: Why do we have to pretend to be strong? 

A: We only have to pretend to be strong if someone doesn’t know what you’re going through. If we are more open and unapologetic about what we are going through we don’t have to pretend to be strong. We are bad ass women who are fighting each day to get our bed and do simple tasks without getting winded or feeling like shit after. Today I told my husband I wasn’t strong today and he said it’s okay you need rest. The house can wait. We need support systems like that in our lives, not people who are going to bring us down.

Q: Is it normal to gain weight? 

A: Unfortunately, yes. Like I said previously I’ve known about my endo for two years. We have been working with an IVF specialist since last year and I was put on all these different types of medications. I’d say the weight is gradually coming on but its there. I weigh 135 pounds because of the endo and all the treatment. I know I’m going to have to put in the work and gain the weigh if I want a baby but it still sucks.

Q: Does pregnancy fix endo? 

A: Yes and no. Yes because when you don’t have a period you can’t shed the lining of your uterus, which means scar tissue can’t get stuck in places it shouldn’t. But there is always a chance for smaller pieces to get stuck so there is that. Plus once you give birth your body is taking time to get used to having a human come out, get your hormones situated and then think about what to do. Pregnancy can definitely help lessen that chance for endo resurface. Endomtriosis never fully goes away. But we are hoping that once we are able to get pregnant the flare ups and back pain will go away.

Q: Have you thought about a surrogate? 

A: No. My uterus is healthy (a little tilted) but can carry multiple babies. I am not worry nor have we even though about surrogate. In my mind thinking of using donor eggs, surrogacy, etc is like me saying I give up, which I refuse to do.

Q:How has this affected your relationship? 

A: Russell and I have been married for 14 months. He has become my care taker. He makes sure I’m comfortable. He makes sure I have ice and heating packs when I need them. But going through this has made us better communicators. We talk so much about our future plans. If being diagnosed with this disease has taught me anything its like is too short to do something you don’t love. We plan on traveling more. Having babies and just doing what we want to do. We want to experience other cultures, build businesses and most importantly, be happy. There have been tough times too though. When we did the two IUI’s and the test came out negative I thought I was going to have a break down. After the second one we decided IVF would be the next step because IUI’s are too expensive and I want to spend my money on actually making babies. We have had bad days when we can’t agree on a decision. We have bad days when i can’t seem to get out of my funk and constantly ask ‘why me’? But in the end the good days out outweigh the bad.

Hers’s to hoping 2018 brings the Lions a Playoff Win, less pain, more happiness, and a couple of little humans to add to the Young household!

Let me know if you like Q&A. I’m thinking doing another one!

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

 

babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Why Don’t You Just Adopt?

Today’s topic: adoption. Before we dive in and get to this blog I want to make it very clear that Russell and I love adoption. We love hearing success stories of people who are going through infertility and they think they have one last shot at having children so they go the adoption route and their family is complete. We are advocates of making sure children have a safe, happy, loving home. I am 100% supportive of adoption.

There is one simple, yet complicated question that keeps being brought up. Why don’t you just adopt? It’s much more complicated than that and here’s why. Adoption isn’t free. Adoption costs on average $25,000. Adoption is also a never guaranteed thing either, because sometimes the woman who is pregnant could change her mind or there are some unforeseen circumstances that change everything for both families. I will say this until the cows come home but I want to experience pregnancy, even if it’s just one child. I want to feel it all, well not all of, like morning sickness, but you know what I mean. I want to invest our money in ourselves. And I can’t tell you how many people take offense to that. In our minds if we go straight from where we are which is stage 4 endometriosis, to adoption we just passed GO without collecting our $200. Basically, we are missing out on opportunities to become parents ourselves.

I’m being 1000% honest when I say this. The moment I/we decide to go for adoption I’ve given up hope that we can conceive on our way. I refuse to give up on myself. Remember Russell has no issues and for a man whose 40th birthday is next month is levels are of that of a man in his early 30’s so we have absolutely nothing to worry about with him. But my clock is ticking a bit faster.  We know that in the next couple of months we are going to have to bite the bullet and begin treatment. We can not risk the endometriosis spreading and causing more damage to the only side I do have. Back to adoption though…sorry we veered left for minute. I am not ready to think about adoption. It makes me very emotional. I know that the universe ultimately is the one who will let us know what we going to be able to. Adoption is scary because even though that child is yours, you didn’t carry them for 9 months and feel the labor pains. As I stated in my last blog that I want to feel what labor feels like. I want to know what a contraction can be. But most importantly I want to feel a bond between my baby and myself.  I want to take a picture of a growing belly and see what fruit my baby compares to. But going through adoption I won’t have that opportunity. And I’m sure those of you reading this are probably like wtf is wrong with her. There are thousands of children that need homes and help and you are saying no. The short answer is I’m saying no for now. Russell and I have been trying naturally for 14 months and clearly my body isn’t functioning because after the first IUI I thought for sure I was pregnant. But it was negative. To me, if we decide to start the adoption process I will have failed myself. My body has failed me when it comes to having the adoption conversation. All I really want to say is let me get through Christmas and then we’ll think a little more, take the rest of the year to apply for 4 amazing loans I found to be a perfect fit for us. More on that in another blog.

I wanted to clear this up because this is one of the most frequently asked questions. So, no adoption in the near future because IVF will work. Even if I have to eat a lot pineapple. Two, we are still trying but not getting any positive results. This part has been frustrating for me because I’m taking advice from the endo doc and they say IVF right away.

Can I be brutally honest for one minute? I’m scared. Scared that I’ll let my husband down. If you don’t know you know he’d give the shirt off his back to a stranger. Shoot, when we were in Detroit for Thanksgiving he game a man $10 and said Merry Christmas. Little things like that remind me daily why I fell in love with him. Anyway, I don’t want to sound selfish but I can’t go through life wondering what would have happened if we didn’t try IVF at least once. I’m in the mindset of one day next year we’ll become parents. There are so many medical advances made every day that it’s insane what scientists and doctors are going to be able to achieve. Please when you ask why I wont adopt it’s because I want my babies made from my husband and me, first. Then if we can’t make that happen we’ll get to another game plan but right now we are putting all of our chips in front of the dealer and hoping we have the winning hand. Please continue to prayer for us, send positive energy, whatever spiritual thing you are into add us to your list of giving thanks and lifting us up. I truly don’t think how strenuous a marriage can be when you throw in every day life stuff but then your partner gets diagnosed with an incurable disease.

Having this been cleared up, please don’t ask me why I won’t adopt because I refuse to give up on myself, my husband and everything we’ve talked about thus far in our journey.

 

I’m thinking of doing a Q&A for my next blog so if you have any questions please shoot me a message on facebook and I’ll go through them and answer then for you!

Until Next Time

xoxoxox

babies, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, infertility, IUI, Kids, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women's issues

New Years Resolutions

I don’t have a specific topic today so it may be a little bit of rambling. Good news: Lupron has worn off! I haven’t had a hot flash in about a week. I do get warm sensations but nothing like I was getting. I can sleep through most nights without waking up. I was told by the doctor in Cincinnati to go on Norethindrone. For those that don’t know it’s another medication that suppresses your system so you can’t have a period. However, I’ve said many times before that I don’t want to go back on drugs that are going to take longer to get out of my system, put me in a forced menopause (again I’m sorry for making fun of my mom when she’d get hot flashes because I can totally relate) If I’m going to be in pain during all these suppressants then I may as well just get my body back to “normal”.

During all of this I’ve made a few resolutions (all fertility related). Some I won’t be sharing because they are private between Russell and myself.

I want to be more conscious of my body. I want to just put more good vitamins and nutrients into my body to prepare it for the baby(ies) that hopefully will come by Christmas next year.

The second resolution I’m going to share with you is that I want to a conscious effort to be happier. I am happy most days but some days are bad. So bad that I don’t change my clothes, take a shower or eat. I get so lonely in this battle because sometimes it just feels like you’re fighting it alone. Now before anyone says “You have Russell talk to him”, part of him will never be able to fully understand the pain I am in because he’s NOT a girl. I do my very best to communicate with him and let him know when I’m not feeling well but most times I don’t have to say anything in order for him to figure it out.

I also want to be happier because this year has been tough for me. We started the year in January with surgery #4, then a super tough recovery. Two failed IUI’s, and we’ve failed to conceive in our 14 months of marriage. Next we had being told there was no chance of having a child. Going to a second opinion(that I only did because Russell insisted and marriage is all about give and take right??) only to be told we have no chance and need to do a few things that I wasn’t ready for. So here’s to 2018. May she brings lots of love, laughter and happiness. and most importantly when we start everything for our IVF journey I hope we will be having some babies around for Christmas time next year.

Thank you all so much for the love and support. This year has been a very trying time for us. But we love each other unconditionally and we would do and give everything we have at the chance to have a baby. Stay Tuned for Updates and maybe a few more resolutions.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

best friend, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, life, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, wife, women, women's issues

A Letter to my Husband

 

From the day we met I knew you’d be my husband. I know that sounds like something you hear from a fairytale book but that’s how I felt. I knew you’d be the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. Before long we started dating. I had no idea what would transpire. After all you are 11 years older than I am and unlike me you are a thinker. You know exactly when and how something’s going to happen. Me on the other hand, I know what I want when I want and how I want. I’ve always been that way and I attribute part of it to being a Leo and a Hispanic woman. But the connection we share is something I really value. You are the calm one, while I am the fiesty one. You talk me off ledges and are the calm to my storm. And this is where I get emotional. Where I always have a hard time expressing how I feel, which we all know is easy for me.

The first seven years of our relationship were a breeze. I was able to travel with my friends to a Mary Kay convention and see all the glitz and glam. I was able to compete in pageants and become a beauty queen; something I had always wanted to be. You were there by my side for all of it, supporting me, telling me I could do whatever I wanted to do. Then December of 2015 came, I thought I just had a cyst that would go away; but the pain got worse. Everything from there seems like a blur. It all went so quickly. The next thing I know I’m waking up in a hospital bed being told I may never be able to have children, with my fiance sitting next to me. We had this plan. We were going to get married and then have four or five children because we wanted a large family. We wanted to hear kids running around and chasing after our dogs. That dream was shattered with those words. Hearing at 26 I was infertile was blindsiding and you were strong, you handled everything in stride and have told me no matter what everything would be okay. I wanted to show you I was strong and committed to doing anything that would help us have clarity and make a decision on what to do. Our second opinion was devastating. Hearing there is no chance is heartbreaking. But I held my head up, choked back my tears and asked again “why”. I came home and broke down and you were there to pick me back up. You always have been and I can’t thank you enough for that.

For that two years it’s been hard to have an identity. It’s been hard to not be lost. After all we’ve been married for 14 months, gone through two heart wrenching IUI’s that resulted in negative pregnancy tests, and trying naturally, all for it to turn out negative. I know that we are family but I want to give you children. I want to bear your children. I want to know what labor pain feels like. I want to know what moments after birth are like and what it feels like to hear your baby cry for the first time. But my body has failed you. My body is saying it isn’t strong enough. I’m also scared of what is ahead of us. IVF is an uphill battle. When do we start? How will the financial burden of it all affect us? I don’t have the answers to those questions and neither do you. But one things for sure, we’ll walk through this together. I know it’s not always easy because there are good and bad days. October 24th 2016 we vowed through in sickness and health we would love each other until death do us part. I know the next year is going to bring lots of frustration, tears and happiness but as long as we are together everything will be okay.

I love you more than words can express.

xoxo

p.s. I promise to try not to bring home any more dogs without your permission