It’s been a rough week. I haven’t mentioned just how much this last week has been trying for me because I just feel like that’s all I do; tell my family and friends what a shitty few years its been. I try not to tell Russell how much this week has sucked because he can feel it. I get quiet and just get into my own head sometimes that I don’t realize I’ve been thinking about five different things, all of which have nothing to do with one another. I’ll share with you the top 5 things that ran through my head today.
- I’m still upset that Dr. K and his staff are leaving. Part of me can’t help but feel abandoned during a time when I need them the most. They have been there when no one else understands or sees what I have to go through. They have been there through every ultrasound, every blood draw, every phone call to check in and they were the ones to give me the news that both of our IUI’s failed. They have been there for us during our worst times. And I was praying they’d be there during our best. But life is unfair and I have to find a way to move on otherwise I’ll never be satisfied with who I’m seeing and we don’t want any type of hindrance during our IVF cycle.
- I’m very nervous about this ultrasound tomorrow. It’s called a sonohysterography. What a new long medical term that I’ll get to throw around to make myself sound smarter than I really am! (LOL) Basically, it’s an ultrasound to get a clearer look at the inside of a woman’s uterus. What the doctor will look for are irregularities within the uterus and other reproductive organs, such as, the fallopian tubes and ovaries. A sonohysterography is used to help women who have a hard time getting pregnant. In our case, this uterine ultrasound is going to be used to check on my right ovary and make sure it looks good and healthy. She’s always been a little damaged but she’s a fighter and has produced some pretty good lookin’ eggs in the past so we are hoping for good results. We’ll also be able to see my endometrioma and I’m interested to see how that looks. Remember, I can’t the endometrioma (blood filled cyst) removed or it will take all the follicles I have left, thus resulting in us never being able to have a child biologically. This ultrasound is a protocol for Dr. Karnitis and the practice because it has saved a few women thousands of dollars. If they see anything abnormal that can hinder the IVF process they will tell the woman that she needs to wait and let her body heal. I believe in our case it’s just standard so we have nothing to worry about.
- I feel awful that I’ve been a terrible friend over the last few years. The biggest regret I’ve been wrestling with is missing my best friends wedding in March. I didn’t get to be there and I should have been. Emma is so amazing because she told me that she completely understands why I couldn’t be there but I’ve had guilt about it ever since. I wanted to watch her walk down the aisle to Evan with her closest friends and family there. I’ll forever be grateful that I was the only person, other than her mom and grandma to be at Lillian’s when she picked out her dress. And she was with me when I first started making my wedding dress. Even though we don’t talk every day or text we know we’re there for one another. If I call her late a night just wanting to vent she’s there and I cherish that about her. AND we’ve been friends for 17 years! That’s more than half my life and I couldn’t imagine life without her in it. I think that’s why I’ve been feeling a little guilty is because I wanted to have certain goals accomplished by then and they didn’t happen. So it was a lose all the way around.
- I’m nervous to start my writing job. I have a communications degree and I know how to write papers for school but not an online magazine. Well, I’m learning. I have a mentor and I’m so thankful for her because I would be lost without her help and guidance. I’m so thankful that I passed my writing tests and the company I’ll be working for allows me to work from home. I’m nervous just like anyone else would be starting a new job. I just hope to be half the journalist my dad is because he is the cream of the crop. And when I say cream of the crop I mean his accolades are pretty dang impressive. He’s been the President of the Society of Professional Journalists, the largest journalism organization in the United States. He was also only the second African American president in the organization’s history. He has also received a Fulbright scholarship to teach at the University of Iceland and is a professor at Wright State University. And did I mention he’s the best dad ever? Like, ever. He’s always feeding us when we are all together. But anyway, he’s a pretty amazing journalist and if I can have just a little bit of the career I know he’s had I’ll be a very happy girl.
- Stick with me on this one because it’s very different from my other concerns. We all know endo has taken a toll on my body, especially the weight aspect of this journey. In the last two weeks, I’ve gained another ten or more pounds. I know people look and at me and say I look fine but I sure don’t like it. I feel so awful. I am bloated most of the day. I don’t want to wear any of my cute clothes because I’m uncomfortable most of the day. So when I get home from work I put on sweats or my pj’s depending on how I feel. Today was a pj’s kind of day. I also don’t want to wear my clothes because not only am I not going to feel good but I know I won’t look good either. For most people they would be like “oh I’d kill to look like you” but what they don’t realize is that I’ve put on 40 pounds since being diagnosed with endo and not being able to work out anymore. I do my best to eat healthily, drink enough water (which I didn’t use to do) and try to pay attention to my calorie intake. But let’s be real here, when I get done working late at night I’m hungry so I’ll get something to eat. I have cut out coffee and don’t drink nearly as much as I used to. I limit the amount of soda I have in a day to one, coca cola is my ultimate weakness, especially when it’s ice-cold. I do my best to walk around the neighborhood for ten to fifteen minutes but afterwards, I feel terrible. I flare up, get bloated and then wonder why I torture myself. Weighing as much as I do makes me want to cry. Just the other day I had to get my vitals and getting my weight was one of them. When I stepped on the scale it said 144. That’s three more pounds from the week before when I met with my new physician. Now I know I know 144 doesn’t seem like a lot to most people but I’m not used to weighing more than 115. And it didn’t help that Dr. K said: “I see you’ve put on a little more weight”. He meant it in a good way because when we first started this journey he said I was too thin and needed to gain an additional 20 pounds before we started. I told him how uncomfortable I am and how badly I want to lose weight but he says this is a great weight to start a pregnancy. Part of me thinks it’s a crock of shit and the other part of me is just going with it to see what happens. My point being is that I hate the way my body looks. It’s bad enough I didn’t go to the pool once this summer because I couldn’t stand the way I looked and felt like I would be judged. It’s nice to also have a husband who doesn’t see the weight gain. He says I look beautiful no matter what I weigh but at the end of the day I feel like shit. I have no idea how to get to use to this new body. After all my surgeries that was tough but this is just as though. I see myself in the mirror and have no idea who I am looking at. I just hope one day I can get back to being me. Until then please forgive the amount of joggers and leggings I’ll be wearing this fall and winter.
I could go on and on and on with the number of things to complain about but those are the things bothering me today. Tomorrow will bring on a different set of challenges that I’ll have to try to conquer. In the meantime keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming our way because IVF is right around the corner. We are thankful for everyone’s support and love. We are doing our best to stay strong, connected, and hopeful on our journey to expand our family.
Until Next Time