babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, modeling, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Just When You Start to Feel Alone…

There’s this group on Facebook called Endometriosis and Me. I stumbled across the website and noticed that the women there seem so connected. And not in the everyone is connected on Facebook way, but that much deeper connection, is the type of relationship these women are in. At the time of me looking for a group to join I needed a group like this. For the last year I’ve been pretty quiet. I only ask questions that are really concerning or to get medication advice from these women.  I have never met any of these women but for some reason I feel like we are bonded and connected by this disease. This disease is awful and with doctors and big pharma it will continue to take on average 10 years before a woman is diagnosed with this disease.

And can we talk about these women? These women are some of the strongest women I’ve ever “met “in my life. They share their stories. They share when they’re having a tough day. They share when they can’t get out of the house and do something normal because when this disease grabs hold of your body it doesn’t let go. We make plans only to cancel them last minute because we don’t feel well or can’t seem to move out from our fetal position on the floor with the heating pad wrapped around our bellies. These women really, truly, understand what the saying ‘the little things matter’ means. Our little things are small victories like getting out of bed, showering, putting on real clothes, no leggings and a sweatshirt, real decent clothing. Our little things are getting through the day without feeling a stabbing pain at some point in your stomach, back, or pelvic area. For me my wins include putting makeup on on a day when I’m not working; cleaning the entire house without feeling like I’ve been hit by a train going 100 miles per hour. Small victories can get us throughout the day but not always.

There are some days when you’ve accomplished a few things but in your mind it’s not enough. That’s where having a person who supports you is so important. In the group, Endometriosis and Me I asked the girls to share their story of who their person is. A few girls said they are single and live alone so they don’t have a person. These women also mentioned how hard dating is with endometriosis, which I can’t even imagine since dating seems to be the worst thing to want to do right now, endo or not. But, Crystal’s story really got me emotional. She talked about her boyfriend and how much he has been able to get her through this. She said her journey has been especially hard. But he is there for her. He lays in bed with her and they do Netflix marathons, while snuggling and eating popcorn. She is going through the depo shot and I pray she doesn’t experience all the awful things I did. She mentioned how he rubs her feet, draws her relaxing baths, and goes to all of her appointments because he knows how bad her anxiety in doctor’s office settings are for her. There’s something that can happen along the journey of going through endometriosis. We as women start to think we aren’t pretty enough or good enough for our partners. Her story and testimony are why strong relationships exist. Her story is a true example of true love. When a woman is diagnosed with endo and their partner finds out there is a possibility they may never have children it’s scary. Don’t think for one second that I wasn’t telling Russell to never leave me. In fact, after my left ovary and tube were removed, during our engagement, I told him I would understand if he wanted to be with someone who didn’t have endometriosis, who could give him everything he wants in life. But he said he will always choose me and I am forever grateful for my husband and his decision to help me fight this. Every woman you talk to will have a different story on who their person is. But usually it’s the person who is there for them most and takes care of them. For me, my person is my husband because even though he’s sick right now he’s making sure I have enough pillows and blankets to keep me warm. He is my angel sent from heaven.

To all the girls out there who feel alone, like we all do at times, let’s connect! Leave a comment with your social media and we can be friends, even if it’s just the kind of friends to talk about who shitty endo is. And if you have a story to share of your person I’d love to hear about it! Connect with me on Facebook or Instagram or on here! And please remember your self worth and value are more than what this disease makes you think.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

Advertisements
babies, blogger, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Crazy Questions People Ask

I know this blog is titled ‘crazy questions people ask’ but this blog is just a question I was asked tonight that I didn’t have the answer to. It took a lot of thought and I’m still up at almost 3am thinking about it so I thought I’d put into a blog…or rather throw this onto the page and see what happens.

So for starters I’m always taken aback at people’s questions. Like the normal one I get is ” when are you going to start having kids?”. First, I want to make it very clear that each couple is different. Some people don’t want to have children. Some have a plan in place that doesn’t require them to be in a rush. Some are still teetering on the idea of having children but financially aren’t sure they want to. Some want to travel and live life first. Some want to start right away. No matter what a couple chooses to do I think it should be respected and not harped on. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering where this is all coming from. (Disclaimer * I’m not upset by the questions people ask about infertility…but sometimes it’s tough to answer strangers questions). I got to talking to a table who commented on my ring. I told them our wedding story, where we got married, yada yada yada. I didn’t mention children because it’s hard for me to talk about. All of a sudden at the same they asked, “you’ve been married for a little while when are you going to start trying for a family? I told them my husband and I are hopefully adding to our family soon but I have fertility issues and we are seeking treatment from a specialist. That’s just my standard answer because I don’t know exactly when things are happening and let’s be honest, I’m not telling strangers when my baby is going to be made by my specialist. I’m pretty sure we aren’t telling anyone when that day is because I don’t want to be asked a thousand times if we’re pregnant before we’re ready to share the news. * getting back on track now* All of the sudden the wife asked me what it’s like to be infertile. This is the question that has me up thinking about the last 3 years. I told her it’s tough but I manage. That each day has it’s own challenges but with the help of our doctor and his team I know we’ll have children I just don’t know when.

I didn’t get into any specifics with them because that’s personal and unless you’re family or one of my close friends, you know what I’m going through and what we need to do in order to have children. But this has me thinking, like what is it really like being infertile. I’ve compiled a list of words I can think of that describe what being infertile is like.

Heartbreaking. Challenging. Embarrassing. Tough. Sad. Frustrating. Agonizing. Hurtful. Failure. Lost. Depressing. Tiring. Damaging. Stressful. Aching. Bitter. Pessimistic. Optimistic. Doubtful. Hopeful. Somber. Anticipative.

There’s so many more words I can think of to describe what being infertile is like. I literally want to cry every day because the yearning I have for a child just grows each day. Each day is one day closer to children but it’s also a reminder that not being on Lupron means the disease is growing back. And what point will it wipe out my entire system? Exactly how much time do we have? All I know is that we may be able to squeeze in two pregnancies and then I’m done (which is ironic because I always joked with Russell that he’d have to get snipped but looks like he won’t have to now hehe) There are so many times during the day where I wonder off in my thoughts and just think why? But there isn’t an answer. And I know 1 in 8 women are going through this… some just now finding out while others are years, if not decades, into their journey’s. I’m just grateful for a husband who supports me and takes care of me as much as he does because being newlyweds we should be adventuring instead of buying heating pads and looking up ways to relieve endo flare ups. But this is the path we are meant to be on. I can’t say I’m 100% grateful for the journey yet but one day I’m sure while looking at my children, all the blood, sweat and tears (literally) to get them here will all be worth it.

So here’s to being asked questions that make me delve deep into my emotional self to answer what it’s like to be an infertile women.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

abortion, babies, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Question and Answer Session

I wanted to change up the blogging aspect of this post. Lately it’s been about our journey towards IVF and I am so grateful to be sharing that with you but I wanted to see what questions you all had and I can answer them for you! So here we go!!

Q: What is Endometriosis? I’ve never heard of it.

A: Endometriosis is a condition where the layer of tissues that normally covers the inside of the uterus grows outside of it. Basically, when a woman has her period each month the lining is supposed to shed; it doesn’t and comes back to gets stuck to parts of our body that we need, like our ovaries, fallopian tubes, and other organs but is is very rare for it to spread to other organs.  There are also four stages of endometriosis, stage 1-4. I have stage 4. I am one of the unlucky girls because my endometriosis had spread to colon. More on that in another question.

Q:What symptoms did you have and how did you find out you had endometriosis? 

A: During my time of the month I would get really sick. So sick in fact that I would throw up for days on end, have a migraine so bad I couldn’t work, and the cramps were so bad in my back and pelvis that I couldn’t walk. Finally after trying to fight it off I went to the OB and he told me there was a possibility it could be endo (endometriosis) and the only way to detect it is through a laparascopy. I didn’t hesitate and two weeks later I went in for surgery. Each person also varies with their symptoms but most times they are very similar in each case.

Q: How do you find out you have it?

The only way to find out you have endo is through a laparascopy. It’s a laser guided by a robot to look through your stomach, uterus and surrounding areas. I found out I was stage 4 at the age of 26. I was also told that day after surgery that I was infertile. I was stag four because there was so much scar tissue some of the pictures were unrecognizable as to which organ the doctor was looking at. During that time they also found that my entire left side was non-functioning. Four weeks later I had another laparascopy because the pain isn’t getting any better. March of 2016 I had my entire left side removed. They also saw an anomaly. My color and uterus were fused together with scar tissue, So they had to take those apart and put them back where they belong.

On average a woman goes 10 years without finding out she has endometriosis because there is no current testing that we have to detect it early.

Q: Isn’t it just bad cramps? 

A: No. No. and No. I would take cramps any day than deal wtih endo. Endometriosis is more than just cramping because you are dealing with endo every day of the week, not just when you’re on you’re period. So no, endo is NOT JUST cramps.

Q: What are the stages of infertility? 

A: For me there are several ways to interpret this. But for me there is grief that comes along with being an infertile woman.  I think the five stages of grief fit perfectly with the stages of infertility.

  1. Denial: No woman wants to be told their infertile so they don’t believe it. They keep to their scheduled nights of having sex but after so long of not getting pregnant you wonder why and realize your in the stage of denial.
  2. Anger: I know I was angry for a long time. I wanted to know why this wasn’t found sooner, what could I have done to prevent it. But the reality is I couldn’t have done anything differently.
  3. Bargaining: You start to bargain with God or whomever you believe in. If you give me a baby I promise I won’t buy another puppy.
  4. Depression: This stage is the hardest. The is when everything is stating to sink in. You may never have children, Or depending on what parts work and what don’t surrogacy and adoption may be the only opions.
  5. Acceptance: I’ve come to accept my endometriosis. I’ve only been diagnosed for about three years. And in that three years I went through the stages of grief. My husband watched me on my weakest days say why me? why us? But I have to realize that when I can accept that I have an incurable disease I can educate others on how they can be supportive to those who don’t have children and want them to be happy.

Q: Why Me? 

A: I can not tell you how many times I’ve asked this question. So for anyone going through infertility, it’s okay to say why me? It’s okay to stay in your sweats and grieve a little. I know I have. Today I was having a rough flare up and started crying asking Russell for reassurance. But yes ladies, its okay to say why me and have a pity party.

Q: Why do we have to hide our endometirosis? And who projects this? Self or Others? 

A: This is a great question. I think because endo has to do with our lady parts and lady parts are a taboo subject we just don’t talk about it. We have our groups to be able to lean on our girls when when need it. I also think others are still ashamed of their diagnosis and they don’t want people to think less of them. I think part of endo not being normalized has to do with those of us who have the disease to talk to. I also think it’s others not wanting to talk about women’s reproductive systems because again they are taboo topics. But the more we talk about endo the more knowledge we put into the world.

Q: Why do we have to pretend to be strong? 

A: We only have to pretend to be strong if someone doesn’t know what you’re going through. If we are more open and unapologetic about what we are going through we don’t have to pretend to be strong. We are bad ass women who are fighting each day to get our bed and do simple tasks without getting winded or feeling like shit after. Today I told my husband I wasn’t strong today and he said it’s okay you need rest. The house can wait. We need support systems like that in our lives, not people who are going to bring us down.

Q: Is it normal to gain weight? 

A: Unfortunately, yes. Like I said previously I’ve known about my endo for two years. We have been working with an IVF specialist since last year and I was put on all these different types of medications. I’d say the weight is gradually coming on but its there. I weigh 135 pounds because of the endo and all the treatment. I know I’m going to have to put in the work and gain the weigh if I want a baby but it still sucks.

Q: Does pregnancy fix endo? 

A: Yes and no. Yes because when you don’t have a period you can’t shed the lining of your uterus, which means scar tissue can’t get stuck in places it shouldn’t. But there is always a chance for smaller pieces to get stuck so there is that. Plus once you give birth your body is taking time to get used to having a human come out, get your hormones situated and then think about what to do. Pregnancy can definitely help lessen that chance for endo resurface. Endomtriosis never fully goes away. But we are hoping that once we are able to get pregnant the flare ups and back pain will go away.

Q: Have you thought about a surrogate? 

A: No. My uterus is healthy (a little tilted) but can carry multiple babies. I am not worry nor have we even though about surrogate. In my mind thinking of using donor eggs, surrogacy, etc is like me saying I give up, which I refuse to do.

Q:How has this affected your relationship? 

A: Russell and I have been married for 14 months. He has become my care taker. He makes sure I’m comfortable. He makes sure I have ice and heating packs when I need them. But going through this has made us better communicators. We talk so much about our future plans. If being diagnosed with this disease has taught me anything its like is too short to do something you don’t love. We plan on traveling more. Having babies and just doing what we want to do. We want to experience other cultures, build businesses and most importantly, be happy. There have been tough times too though. When we did the two IUI’s and the test came out negative I thought I was going to have a break down. After the second one we decided IVF would be the next step because IUI’s are too expensive and I want to spend my money on actually making babies. We have had bad days when we can’t agree on a decision. We have bad days when i can’t seem to get out of my funk and constantly ask ‘why me’? But in the end the good days out outweigh the bad.

Hers’s to hoping 2018 brings the Lions a Playoff Win, less pain, more happiness, and a couple of little humans to add to the Young household!

Let me know if you like Q&A. I’m thinking doing another one!

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

 

babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Why Don’t You Just Adopt?

Today’s topic: adoption. Before we dive in and get to this blog I want to make it very clear that Russell and I love adoption. We love hearing success stories of people who are going through infertility and they think they have one last shot at having children so they go the adoption route and their family is complete. We are advocates of making sure children have a safe, happy, loving home. I am 100% supportive of adoption.

There is one simple, yet complicated question that keeps being brought up. Why don’t you just adopt? It’s much more complicated than that and here’s why. Adoption isn’t free. Adoption costs on average $25,000. Adoption is also a never guaranteed thing either, because sometimes the woman who is pregnant could change her mind or there are some unforeseen circumstances that change everything for both families. I will say this until the cows come home but I want to experience pregnancy, even if it’s just one child. I want to feel it all, well not all of, like morning sickness, but you know what I mean. I want to invest our money in ourselves. And I can’t tell you how many people take offense to that. In our minds if we go straight from where we are which is stage 4 endometriosis, to adoption we just passed GO without collecting our $200. Basically, we are missing out on opportunities to become parents ourselves.

I’m being 1000% honest when I say this. The moment I/we decide to go for adoption I’ve given up hope that we can conceive on our way. I refuse to give up on myself. Remember Russell has no issues and for a man whose 40th birthday is next month is levels are of that of a man in his early 30’s so we have absolutely nothing to worry about with him. But my clock is ticking a bit faster.  We know that in the next couple of months we are going to have to bite the bullet and begin treatment. We can not risk the endometriosis spreading and causing more damage to the only side I do have. Back to adoption though…sorry we veered left for minute. I am not ready to think about adoption. It makes me very emotional. I know that the universe ultimately is the one who will let us know what we going to be able to. Adoption is scary because even though that child is yours, you didn’t carry them for 9 months and feel the labor pains. As I stated in my last blog that I want to feel what labor feels like. I want to know what a contraction can be. But most importantly I want to feel a bond between my baby and myself.  I want to take a picture of a growing belly and see what fruit my baby compares to. But going through adoption I won’t have that opportunity. And I’m sure those of you reading this are probably like wtf is wrong with her. There are thousands of children that need homes and help and you are saying no. The short answer is I’m saying no for now. Russell and I have been trying naturally for 14 months and clearly my body isn’t functioning because after the first IUI I thought for sure I was pregnant. But it was negative. To me, if we decide to start the adoption process I will have failed myself. My body has failed me when it comes to having the adoption conversation. All I really want to say is let me get through Christmas and then we’ll think a little more, take the rest of the year to apply for 4 amazing loans I found to be a perfect fit for us. More on that in another blog.

I wanted to clear this up because this is one of the most frequently asked questions. So, no adoption in the near future because IVF will work. Even if I have to eat a lot pineapple. Two, we are still trying but not getting any positive results. This part has been frustrating for me because I’m taking advice from the endo doc and they say IVF right away.

Can I be brutally honest for one minute? I’m scared. Scared that I’ll let my husband down. If you don’t know you know he’d give the shirt off his back to a stranger. Shoot, when we were in Detroit for Thanksgiving he game a man $10 and said Merry Christmas. Little things like that remind me daily why I fell in love with him. Anyway, I don’t want to sound selfish but I can’t go through life wondering what would have happened if we didn’t try IVF at least once. I’m in the mindset of one day next year we’ll become parents. There are so many medical advances made every day that it’s insane what scientists and doctors are going to be able to achieve. Please when you ask why I wont adopt it’s because I want my babies made from my husband and me, first. Then if we can’t make that happen we’ll get to another game plan but right now we are putting all of our chips in front of the dealer and hoping we have the winning hand. Please continue to prayer for us, send positive energy, whatever spiritual thing you are into add us to your list of giving thanks and lifting us up. I truly don’t think how strenuous a marriage can be when you throw in every day life stuff but then your partner gets diagnosed with an incurable disease.

Having this been cleared up, please don’t ask me why I won’t adopt because I refuse to give up on myself, my husband and everything we’ve talked about thus far in our journey.

 

I’m thinking of doing a Q&A for my next blog so if you have any questions please shoot me a message on facebook and I’ll go through them and answer then for you!

Until Next Time

xoxoxox

babies, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, infertility, IUI, Kids, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women's issues

New Years Resolutions

I don’t have a specific topic today so it may be a little bit of rambling. Good news: Lupron has worn off! I haven’t had a hot flash in about a week. I do get warm sensations but nothing like I was getting. I can sleep through most nights without waking up. I was told by the doctor in Cincinnati to go on Norethindrone. For those that don’t know it’s another medication that suppresses your system so you can’t have a period. However, I’ve said many times before that I don’t want to go back on drugs that are going to take longer to get out of my system, put me in a forced menopause (again I’m sorry for making fun of my mom when she’d get hot flashes because I can totally relate) If I’m going to be in pain during all these suppressants then I may as well just get my body back to “normal”.

During all of this I’ve made a few resolutions (all fertility related). Some I won’t be sharing because they are private between Russell and myself.

I want to be more conscious of my body. I want to just put more good vitamins and nutrients into my body to prepare it for the baby(ies) that hopefully will come by Christmas next year.

The second resolution I’m going to share with you is that I want to a conscious effort to be happier. I am happy most days but some days are bad. So bad that I don’t change my clothes, take a shower or eat. I get so lonely in this battle because sometimes it just feels like you’re fighting it alone. Now before anyone says “You have Russell talk to him”, part of him will never be able to fully understand the pain I am in because he’s NOT a girl. I do my very best to communicate with him and let him know when I’m not feeling well but most times I don’t have to say anything in order for him to figure it out.

I also want to be happier because this year has been tough for me. We started the year in January with surgery #4, then a super tough recovery. Two failed IUI’s, and we’ve failed to conceive in our 14 months of marriage. Next we had being told there was no chance of having a child. Going to a second opinion(that I only did because Russell insisted and marriage is all about give and take right??) only to be told we have no chance and need to do a few things that I wasn’t ready for. So here’s to 2018. May she brings lots of love, laughter and happiness. and most importantly when we start everything for our IVF journey I hope we will be having some babies around for Christmas time next year.

Thank you all so much for the love and support. This year has been a very trying time for us. But we love each other unconditionally and we would do and give everything we have at the chance to have a baby. Stay Tuned for Updates and maybe a few more resolutions.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, illness, infertility, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized

Why I want to stay home on Christmas

I don’t want my family to see this and think I don’t want to interact or be apart of the celebrations. The truth is the holidays are extremely hard for me. I am so grateful Russell and I were able to get away and spend Thanksgiving in Detroit because it truly took my mind off of everything but us. Now here we are less than 21 days until Christmas. This part is hard for me to write. I don’t want to go because we’re the only couple without a child(ren). We don’t wake up on Christmas morning hearing the pitter patter of little feet and excited voices as they see the place of cookies and glass of milk have been eaten by Santa. We don’t get to watch in anticipation to see what amazing gifts our children will receive from their family this year, load up the car and go home to have a day full of fun and laughter and talking about Santa and how much fun he is.

Do you know the feeling when you’re at a family function or bbq and you’re the only one there without a spouse and you feel left out? That’s exactly what Christmas is for couples who don’t have children. You feel left out. Not in the sense that you didn’t contribute to getting a niece or nephew the gift they truly wanted but you don’t get to feel the same kind of excitement a parent feels. Moments like these are the ones that make me want to curl up in bed and never come back out. Why you ask? Because I sit there stoic, smiling and saying how awesome their new toy is but inside I’m crumbling. It’s taking every ounce of my body to not cry or act like somethings wrong. Being infertile is the worst thing a woman can go through. Not only is it soul crushing to know you’re body isn’t functioning the way ‘God’ made it but it wants to revolt and send you into days, weeks, and months of pain. I’ve been in pain every day for the last two years; physically, emotionally and mentally.

Now does this mean we are going to skip Christmas? No. But as I said earlier it will take everything in my being to be fully present that day. I’ll have a smile on my face and pretend like nothing’s wrong while my head will be filled with what if’s? The what if’s are the worst and so is hope. Having hope through infertility is like free falling off a mountain side, not knowing which landing you’ll have;soft or hard. I’m also not sharing this to make my family feel bad but to allow them to see the signs that I’m sad. I’m sad for my husband because all he wants is a family. I am sad for myself because my body being a failure means I’m a failure too. I’ve failed throughout my life but this has to be the biggest, most frustrating failure of all.

My advice this holiday season is if you know someone going through infertility be a little extra sensitive, I promise it will go a long way in making us feel a little bit of normalcy. ]

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

best friend, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, life, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, wife, women, women's issues

A Letter to my Husband

 

From the day we met I knew you’d be my husband. I know that sounds like something you hear from a fairytale book but that’s how I felt. I knew you’d be the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. Before long we started dating. I had no idea what would transpire. After all you are 11 years older than I am and unlike me you are a thinker. You know exactly when and how something’s going to happen. Me on the other hand, I know what I want when I want and how I want. I’ve always been that way and I attribute part of it to being a Leo and a Hispanic woman. But the connection we share is something I really value. You are the calm one, while I am the fiesty one. You talk me off ledges and are the calm to my storm. And this is where I get emotional. Where I always have a hard time expressing how I feel, which we all know is easy for me.

The first seven years of our relationship were a breeze. I was able to travel with my friends to a Mary Kay convention and see all the glitz and glam. I was able to compete in pageants and become a beauty queen; something I had always wanted to be. You were there by my side for all of it, supporting me, telling me I could do whatever I wanted to do. Then December of 2015 came, I thought I just had a cyst that would go away; but the pain got worse. Everything from there seems like a blur. It all went so quickly. The next thing I know I’m waking up in a hospital bed being told I may never be able to have children, with my fiance sitting next to me. We had this plan. We were going to get married and then have four or five children because we wanted a large family. We wanted to hear kids running around and chasing after our dogs. That dream was shattered with those words. Hearing at 26 I was infertile was blindsiding and you were strong, you handled everything in stride and have told me no matter what everything would be okay. I wanted to show you I was strong and committed to doing anything that would help us have clarity and make a decision on what to do. Our second opinion was devastating. Hearing there is no chance is heartbreaking. But I held my head up, choked back my tears and asked again “why”. I came home and broke down and you were there to pick me back up. You always have been and I can’t thank you enough for that.

For that two years it’s been hard to have an identity. It’s been hard to not be lost. After all we’ve been married for 14 months, gone through two heart wrenching IUI’s that resulted in negative pregnancy tests, and trying naturally, all for it to turn out negative. I know that we are family but I want to give you children. I want to bear your children. I want to know what labor pain feels like. I want to know what moments after birth are like and what it feels like to hear your baby cry for the first time. But my body has failed you. My body is saying it isn’t strong enough. I’m also scared of what is ahead of us. IVF is an uphill battle. When do we start? How will the financial burden of it all affect us? I don’t have the answers to those questions and neither do you. But one things for sure, we’ll walk through this together. I know it’s not always easy because there are good and bad days. October 24th 2016 we vowed through in sickness and health we would love each other until death do us part. I know the next year is going to bring lots of frustration, tears and happiness but as long as we are together everything will be okay.

I love you more than words can express.

xoxo

p.s. I promise to try not to bring home any more dogs without your permission

babies, best friend, black, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, infertility, IUI, learning, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women's issues

University of Cincinnati Center for Reproductive Health

I’ve struggled with what to write the last few weeks. Not only have I felt a little down but I also didn’t know how to process my feelings enough to write down. We went down to the University of Cincinnati’s Center for Reproductive Health in West Chester. It’s been a few weeks now because I remember it being an all day visit. The doctor that I saw was young, not more than a few years than I am. She asked me the normal questions, why were we there, what made me think I had endometriosis, what do we want to do,etc. I answered all her questions and I asked a lot too. I brought all my records with my from the last two and half years. She didn’t really look at them until we started talking about what we had planned. She talked about an IUI, which there facility charges about $1200 per IUI (Kettering charged $800). So for us that was a bit of an increase, plus I had already said I would not go through another IUI. She said that’s where we needed to start in order for her to get a better understanding of how my reproductive system is or is not functioning. I was adamant on not doing another one because they are too difficult on me emotionally and mentally. The two week wait is a lot to handle and with only having one tube there is a lesser chance of us getting pregnant. She then suggested using donor eggs because I only have one side. I have made the decision I will not use donor eggs because it’s just as risky as going through IVF. I know this is going to sound crass or even selfish but if I am going to carry a child and use science to get pregnant I want my baby to have my DNA. Now, I know that is going to make some people mad but that’s the choice I have made with Russell’s consent. She then suggested IVF, which is the route I know we are going to have to take. For them IVF at it’s lowest is $16,000. For us it’s more like $18-$19,000. She said I don’t have a high chance of getting pregnant. That’s where she and Dr. Karnitis’s opinion are different. He says because my body is able to react well with fertility meds he is confident we could have triplets if we wanted to. However, our UC doc says she doesn’t think it’s a high probability. We ended the appointment disappointed and relieved at the same time. We have also decided it would be best for us to stay in Kettering. But we wanted to get a second opinion to make sure we weren’t missing any information.

It is very important for me to have a doctor that can see the positive in any situation. The doctor at UC only seeing the negative is not going to help us get through this process. The nurses, doctors and care team at Kettering are always there for us. They were there when I needed to cry, have a ton of questions, and give us good news. I need a doctor who is the best at what he/she does, and Dr. Karnitis is it. We have also decided to put fertility treatment on hold for now because the holiday’s are just too hard emotionally on a regular basis but to add treatment on top would be too much. We are hoping that starting spring 2018 we will be able to begin the IVF process. Until then we are going to prep my body the best way we can with vitamins and supplements and lots of positive thinking. We are also going away for Thanksgiving, just the two of us to reconnect, spend some quality time together and take in some football games! As you can imagine going through infertility is hard on a couple. It’s stressful and draining. I have never said our marriage is perfect and never will. We are happy and love each other very much but we need some time to forget about daily life and have some fun.

We hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Until Next Time

xoxox

babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, infertility, IUI, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, Ohio, pageant girl, PIO, PUPO, race, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Still having Hot Flashes…

This week has been filled with highs and lows. Needless to say I’m ready to relax tomorrow and forget the world exists. July 25 I went into the fertility doctor’s office and they gave me the shot. They said once week 12 hits I shouldn’t have hot flashes, insomnia, etc. I’m having the hot flashes and even worse the ever before. My ears turn bright red,  my nose turns red and my entire body from top to bottom sweats so much you’d think I Just ran a marathon.

It’s been a long week because there has been a lot to do. I had to schedule our second opinion. We’ve decided it’s best to go to Cincinnati. I already see a Nuerologist at UC Health. Dr. Vij. He’s amazing and the reason I keep going back to get my botox! I’m getting my last botox treatment until after we give birth. In order to get botox I have to count four months out on the calendar and know when we’re in the safe zone to conceive.  But I am excited to meet this new guy and see what he has to say. Everyone is going to be different but I hope he will hear me when I speak to him. We have a lot more reasons for choosing UC Health but getting the best care is what is most important to us, especially if I have to pay for everything then I’ll make sure  we are seeing the person we want to see. Not to mention our current doctor can’t see us until we are ready to begin IVF treatment. We feel this is the perfect time to get a second opinion. I realize all the costs that are associated with infertility but I am signing up to get pregnant.

But I’ve had such a down week. It all began at the beginning of the week because I was feeling awful. I had to cancel a few appointments I had with friends and with my doctors simply because I couldn’t get out of bed. I cried a lot and  said to the universe ” why is this happening to us? I’ve been a little unstable emotionally this week. Every little thing stressing me out. I’m noticing negative thoughts are entering my space. Thoughts talking about me as a mother, how do I deserve a child over someone else, am I ready, etc. All these questions are consuming me and for a split second earlier this week I thought maybe I’m being punished for something I did in a past life. But I’m coming around now.

Some days are better than others and I’m still learning how to deal with emotions that infertility brings.  As also, please hug a friend extra tight and let them know you’re there. Even if it’s just to text about their day. I have a very small circle of girlfriends and one of them has been so understanding of why I can’t do things when I did say I could do. She understands how much this takes out of me. I’m not ignoring anyone if they are trying to hang out!

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

babies, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, race, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

The little things make you realize how much you want a baby, but also how possible it could be for one couple and impossible for the other couple. I am 1 in 8.

I was watching one of my favorite shows, Eric and Jessie on E!. They were talking about whether or not to have a baby and if they’d try for another because they said it was easy for them. Her sister who was pregnant at the time said well how are you feeling? So naturally Jessie went to take the test. Eric walks in and is asking what they’re doing and he sees the test is negative. The next scene is the family hugging together saying it’s not meant to be this month. See that brought back so many emotions and I started crying. For those that haven’t caught on yet, crying is one thing I’m pretty damn good at.

But in all honest the memories of the TWW a few months ago were brutal. They were more than brutal. There were days that felt like they were drag on so slowly and we’d never get to test. Then test day comes and you don’t really sleep the night before because you’re so anxious you have to know. I am also a super type A personality.  I also remember wondering the entire time “are we pregnant?”. The first time I thought for sure because I was having some unusual cravings and then I was having a few pregnancy symptoms but the test came out negative anyway. That was more heartbreaking than my boyfriend in high school saying I was boring and he wanted to date someone else. It was more heartbreaking knowing my body couldn’t do it. Then the second time we did the TWW and I felt nothing. Not one symptom. No tiredness. No nausea. Nothing. And sure enough the test was negative. The feelings of loneliness and depression have been sinking in lately. The holidays are coming and I’m wondering what the next few months will look like. I’m working as much as can without wearing myself out but all I think about is when it’ll be our time. It’s funny (not really) but I’ve been told that if this the path I’m walking and being guided down then maybe God is saying I don’t deserve to be a mother. I think that’s rude and harsh but that’s her opinion so I’m deciding to leave that there.We’ll start the IVF process at the very beginning of spring after the holidays. I’m looking forward to continuing fighting and going through hell and back.

For now, it’s ovulation kits, timed intercourse, and trying some wives tales on how to get pregnant.

Until Next Time

xoxo