babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, dreams, endometriosis, failure, fashionista, growing, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, racial issues, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, white, wife, women, women's issues

A Path to Nowhere

I just have to vent. If I don’t I may lose my mind. I wrote last month that the decision had been made for me to go back on another round of Lupron-Depo, aka, the Devil’s Juice. I called the clinic to make sure everything was ready to go and the documents could be faxed to CVS Pharmacy since that’s the pharmacy my insurance covers. Totally fine..everything was going according to my plan and then it just stopped. The doctor’s office was getting the run around from CVS and I was getting the run around from CVS. It took six weeks of frustrating phone calls, documents being faxed to the WRONG PLACE (this error was on CVS end for giving my doctor’s office the wrong number). So I’ve waited and waited and waited and waited and waited to hear back something. Finally, today after getting a call back from one of the nurses she said to call CVS and see what’s going on. Apparently the Lupron has been ready since last week. Add that to growing list of frustrations. So it looks like I’ll get the shot on Wednesday. So here’s why I’m mad.

I was supposed to get this shot at the beginning of February…. six weeks ago. This is going to push out our timeline SIX WEEKS!!! If anyone knows me knows I have a type A personality. If someone tells me a projected time frame that is what we go with, there is no changing it and whatever obstacles come we get through them. However, this obstacle doesn’t have enough time. Now I don’t know what we are looking at. If I had to guess we’d beginning everything in July and go from there. It’s too late to me because I had this idea but as I am learning I am not in control here. I am at the mercy of time. Part of me is getting very tired and frustrated because this doesn’t just affect me, it affects Russell too. I just feel like I’m continuously failing him, us. I’m just so mentally exhausted by it all sometimes. Then I think of hard this journey is about to get. I mean think about it. Lupron turns me into a heat flashing, cry on the spot, irritated and menopausal person. She is no fun to be around. Then we go right into all the drugs. Birth control for one week, another Lupron for a week, and then the shots go in there somewhere. So at this point my body is really prepping itself to hold a baby(ies). Then the transfer and fingers crossed we are able to get pregnant that day.  And again, I have no idea when this will happen but that’s the order of how it will go because my favorite nurse explained it all out to me. I think that’s another aspect that I’m frustrated with is that we have been going down this path for so long and right now it just seems to be leading to no where. The last six weeks were a literal run around. I have wanted to scream, pull my hair out and cry.

I’m not even gonna lie either, today I had a why me day. Why can’t we just have one? What’s so wrong with wanting just one? I have tried making deals like if the Universe will grant us one crazy awesome miracle baby I won’t push for more. What’s wrong with wanting something that I’ve always wanted to be…a mother. Seeing my mother and how she raised us really impacted me. I also think when you are the product of divorced parents like I am, you almost have to grow up a little faster because mom needs help. I remember when my mom was going to night school, my little sister was a baby and my mom had me, Daniella, and Alex. Those were the times I had to step up and help my mom because she had to study. It was during that time that I found out my passion for wanting a family of my own one day. Then when Russell and first met and I mean just exchanged pleasantries, I knew he was the one. Did anyone else just get that feeling when you first met your significant other that they were going to be your forever? (Also, fun fact…before Russell and I started dating I made a few friends come stalk him with me! It was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done. That sounds horrible but I promise it was all in fun) Anyway, Russell and I would have deep conversations early on in our relationship. Because you have to remember that Russell and I were “dating” at first and getting to know each other before making things official. I remember one night we were talking on the phone and I asked him about having children. He said at a very young age he wanted to have a family. He saw his mom and dad kick ass at being teenage parents and he wanted the same. He just said he hadn’t found the right person to have children with. And as our conversations kept going he said he wanted a large family, 4 or 5 kids. I wanted the same! In a way I feel like I’m crushing his dream of becoming the father he always wanted to be. Infertility isn’t just a bitch to go through, infertility is heartbreaking. Infertility is emotional. Infertility is hard. Being an infertile woman in the prime of her life sucks. So today I say why me because in this moment our path seems to be going around in pointless circles.

Until Next Time


p.s. what have you done for endometriosis awareness month??

babies, best friend, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, wife, women, women's issues

Patience is a Virtue

“Good relationships are not just about the good times we share; they’re also about the obstacles you go through together and the fact that you still say ‘I love you’ at the end” ——-Unknown

I’ve been finding quotes that I think go along with the topic I’ve chosen for my blog post. I posted last week about grief and the quote chosen just spoke to me, just like this quote does. I chose this quote because I wanted to talk about my husband, Russell in this post, so this one is dedicated to you babe!

Russell and I met in October 2007 and began dating in July 2008. So we are coming up on our 10 year anniversary! Where the heck has the time gone? He has been with me through my awful migraine days when I can’t get out of bed or look at any lights or hear sounds because it makes things worse. He has cleaned up more vomit than I’d care to admit and he has been amazingly patient and positive during this hard time in our lives. When you find out you have an incurable disease you want to curl up and cry. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had my fair share of coming home crying because the answers to my questions from my doctors were not what I wanted to hear. He would also hold me while my face is buried in chest sobbing. He picked up when after two rounds of Clomid and two negative pregnancy tests devastated me he was there to snuggle me and tell me everything would be okay. He even told me that after two failed IUI’s we’d be just fine and we’ll have a family before we know it. I mean honestly, does it get any better than this????

The quote above talks about how relationships need to evolve and grow. Having a disease that is unpredictable can be hard. It’s hard to make plans and do things because I could flair up and down and out for hours or just minutes…you just know with endo. I remember last year Russell and I were on our way to a Reds game and my lower back started hurting really bad. I thought to myself while I was getting dressed that everything would be okay and I could make it because that was our date night! We didn’t even get to highway before we had to turn around and go back home because I couldn’t take the pain. I started to get upset because I ruined date night. There was another incident at Fleming’s about a year ago. We were having our monthly date night and I was feeling so bad. I didn’t way much and boxed my food. At the time I was taking all the medications and they were making me feel sick. Russell picked up that I wasn’t feeling well and asked for our food to be boxed so he could take me home. It was the sweetest gesture because to me that’s an example of chivalry. ( #chivalryisnotdead) One last incident where I wasn’t feeling well we were at dinner at Carvers. Now this was probably a year and half ago. I started to feel like I was getting a migraine but I took my imitrex in hopes that it would work before we left for dinner. Not really. The music, lights, all the noise…I thought  my head was going to explode. We ordered food because I thought I needed something to keep my hydrated and something to coat my stomach and get back to normal. As dinner progressed I have to excuse myself a few times to the ladies room because I was throwing up. Once Russell saw my face he said we were going home and he would save my dinner for tomorrow. He finished eating at home.

I never thought I’d be married to such a great man. He is the calm to my crazy and the light on my bad days. Today I had a bad day and there he was taking care of me like usual. I love this man so much and can’t wait for the day I can give him some babies to love on!

Until Next Time


babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, modeling, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Just When You Start to Feel Alone…

There’s this group on Facebook called Endometriosis and Me. I stumbled across the website and noticed that the women there seem so connected. And not in the everyone is connected on Facebook way, but that much deeper connection, is the type of relationship these women are in. At the time of me looking for a group to join I needed a group like this. For the last year I’ve been pretty quiet. I only ask questions that are really concerning or to get medication advice from these women.  I have never met any of these women but for some reason I feel like we are bonded and connected by this disease. This disease is awful and with doctors and big pharma it will continue to take on average 10 years before a woman is diagnosed with this disease.

And can we talk about these women? These women are some of the strongest women I’ve ever “met “in my life. They share their stories. They share when they’re having a tough day. They share when they can’t get out of the house and do something normal because when this disease grabs hold of your body it doesn’t let go. We make plans only to cancel them last minute because we don’t feel well or can’t seem to move out from our fetal position on the floor with the heating pad wrapped around our bellies. These women really, truly, understand what the saying ‘the little things matter’ means. Our little things are small victories like getting out of bed, showering, putting on real clothes, no leggings and a sweatshirt, real decent clothing. Our little things are getting through the day without feeling a stabbing pain at some point in your stomach, back, or pelvic area. For me my wins include putting makeup on on a day when I’m not working; cleaning the entire house without feeling like I’ve been hit by a train going 100 miles per hour. Small victories can get us throughout the day but not always.

There are some days when you’ve accomplished a few things but in your mind it’s not enough. That’s where having a person who supports you is so important. In the group, Endometriosis and Me I asked the girls to share their story of who their person is. A few girls said they are single and live alone so they don’t have a person. These women also mentioned how hard dating is with endometriosis, which I can’t even imagine since dating seems to be the worst thing to want to do right now, endo or not. But, Crystal’s story really got me emotional. She talked about her boyfriend and how much he has been able to get her through this. She said her journey has been especially hard. But he is there for her. He lays in bed with her and they do Netflix marathons, while snuggling and eating popcorn. She is going through the depo shot and I pray she doesn’t experience all the awful things I did. She mentioned how he rubs her feet, draws her relaxing baths, and goes to all of her appointments because he knows how bad her anxiety in doctor’s office settings are for her. There’s something that can happen along the journey of going through endometriosis. We as women start to think we aren’t pretty enough or good enough for our partners. Her story and testimony are why strong relationships exist. Her story is a true example of true love. When a woman is diagnosed with endo and their partner finds out there is a possibility they may never have children it’s scary. Don’t think for one second that I wasn’t telling Russell to never leave me. In fact, after my left ovary and tube were removed, during our engagement, I told him I would understand if he wanted to be with someone who didn’t have endometriosis, who could give him everything he wants in life. But he said he will always choose me and I am forever grateful for my husband and his decision to help me fight this. Every woman you talk to will have a different story on who their person is. But usually it’s the person who is there for them most and takes care of them. For me, my person is my husband because even though he’s sick right now he’s making sure I have enough pillows and blankets to keep me warm. He is my angel sent from heaven.

To all the girls out there who feel alone, like we all do at times, let’s connect! Leave a comment with your social media and we can be friends, even if it’s just the kind of friends to talk about who shitty endo is. And if you have a story to share of your person I’d love to hear about it! Connect with me on Facebook or Instagram or on here! And please remember your self worth and value are more than what this disease makes you think.

Until Next Time


babies, blogger, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Crazy Questions People Ask

I know this blog is titled ‘crazy questions people ask’ but this blog is just a question I was asked tonight that I didn’t have the answer to. It took a lot of thought and I’m still up at almost 3am thinking about it so I thought I’d put into a blog…or rather throw this onto the page and see what happens.

So for starters I’m always taken aback at people’s questions. Like the normal one I get is ” when are you going to start having kids?”. First, I want to make it very clear that each couple is different. Some people don’t want to have children. Some have a plan in place that doesn’t require them to be in a rush. Some are still teetering on the idea of having children but financially aren’t sure they want to. Some want to travel and live life first. Some want to start right away. No matter what a couple chooses to do I think it should be respected and not harped on. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering where this is all coming from. (Disclaimer * I’m not upset by the questions people ask about infertility…but sometimes it’s tough to answer strangers questions). I got to talking to a table who commented on my ring. I told them our wedding story, where we got married, yada yada yada. I didn’t mention children because it’s hard for me to talk about. All of a sudden at the same they asked, “you’ve been married for a little while when are you going to start trying for a family? I told them my husband and I are hopefully adding to our family soon but I have fertility issues and we are seeking treatment from a specialist. That’s just my standard answer because I don’t know exactly when things are happening and let’s be honest, I’m not telling strangers when my baby is going to be made by my specialist. I’m pretty sure we aren’t telling anyone when that day is because I don’t want to be asked a thousand times if we’re pregnant before we’re ready to share the news. * getting back on track now* All of the sudden the wife asked me what it’s like to be infertile. This is the question that has me up thinking about the last 3 years. I told her it’s tough but I manage. That each day has it’s own challenges but with the help of our doctor and his team I know we’ll have children I just don’t know when.

I didn’t get into any specifics with them because that’s personal and unless you’re family or one of my close friends, you know what I’m going through and what we need to do in order to have children. But this has me thinking, like what is it really like being infertile. I’ve compiled a list of words I can think of that describe what being infertile is like.

Heartbreaking. Challenging. Embarrassing. Tough. Sad. Frustrating. Agonizing. Hurtful. Failure. Lost. Depressing. Tiring. Damaging. Stressful. Aching. Bitter. Pessimistic. Optimistic. Doubtful. Hopeful. Somber. Anticipative.

There’s so many more words I can think of to describe what being infertile is like. I literally want to cry every day because the yearning I have for a child just grows each day. Each day is one day closer to children but it’s also a reminder that not being on Lupron means the disease is growing back. And what point will it wipe out my entire system? Exactly how much time do we have? All I know is that we may be able to squeeze in two pregnancies and then I’m done (which is ironic because I always joked with Russell that he’d have to get snipped but looks like he won’t have to now hehe) There are so many times during the day where I wonder off in my thoughts and just think why? But there isn’t an answer. And I know 1 in 8 women are going through this… some just now finding out while others are years, if not decades, into their journey’s. I’m just grateful for a husband who supports me and takes care of me as much as he does because being newlyweds we should be adventuring instead of buying heating pads and looking up ways to relieve endo flare ups. But this is the path we are meant to be on. I can’t say I’m 100% grateful for the journey yet but one day I’m sure while looking at my children, all the blood, sweat and tears (literally) to get them here will all be worth it.

So here’s to being asked questions that make me delve deep into my emotional self to answer what it’s like to be an infertile women.

Until Next Time


babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Why Don’t You Just Adopt?

Today’s topic: adoption. Before we dive in and get to this blog I want to make it very clear that Russell and I love adoption. We love hearing success stories of people who are going through infertility and they think they have one last shot at having children so they go the adoption route and their family is complete. We are advocates of making sure children have a safe, happy, loving home. I am 100% supportive of adoption.

There is one simple, yet complicated question that keeps being brought up. Why don’t you just adopt? It’s much more complicated than that and here’s why. Adoption isn’t free. Adoption costs on average $25,000. Adoption is also a never guaranteed thing either, because sometimes the woman who is pregnant could change her mind or there are some unforeseen circumstances that change everything for both families. I will say this until the cows come home but I want to experience pregnancy, even if it’s just one child. I want to feel it all, well not all of, like morning sickness, but you know what I mean. I want to invest our money in ourselves. And I can’t tell you how many people take offense to that. In our minds if we go straight from where we are which is stage 4 endometriosis, to adoption we just passed GO without collecting our $200. Basically, we are missing out on opportunities to become parents ourselves.

I’m being 1000% honest when I say this. The moment I/we decide to go for adoption I’ve given up hope that we can conceive on our way. I refuse to give up on myself. Remember Russell has no issues and for a man whose 40th birthday is next month is levels are of that of a man in his early 30’s so we have absolutely nothing to worry about with him. But my clock is ticking a bit faster.  We know that in the next couple of months we are going to have to bite the bullet and begin treatment. We can not risk the endometriosis spreading and causing more damage to the only side I do have. Back to adoption though…sorry we veered left for minute. I am not ready to think about adoption. It makes me very emotional. I know that the universe ultimately is the one who will let us know what we going to be able to. Adoption is scary because even though that child is yours, you didn’t carry them for 9 months and feel the labor pains. As I stated in my last blog that I want to feel what labor feels like. I want to know what a contraction can be. But most importantly I want to feel a bond between my baby and myself.  I want to take a picture of a growing belly and see what fruit my baby compares to. But going through adoption I won’t have that opportunity. And I’m sure those of you reading this are probably like wtf is wrong with her. There are thousands of children that need homes and help and you are saying no. The short answer is I’m saying no for now. Russell and I have been trying naturally for 14 months and clearly my body isn’t functioning because after the first IUI I thought for sure I was pregnant. But it was negative. To me, if we decide to start the adoption process I will have failed myself. My body has failed me when it comes to having the adoption conversation. All I really want to say is let me get through Christmas and then we’ll think a little more, take the rest of the year to apply for 4 amazing loans I found to be a perfect fit for us. More on that in another blog.

I wanted to clear this up because this is one of the most frequently asked questions. So, no adoption in the near future because IVF will work. Even if I have to eat a lot pineapple. Two, we are still trying but not getting any positive results. This part has been frustrating for me because I’m taking advice from the endo doc and they say IVF right away.

Can I be brutally honest for one minute? I’m scared. Scared that I’ll let my husband down. If you don’t know you know he’d give the shirt off his back to a stranger. Shoot, when we were in Detroit for Thanksgiving he game a man $10 and said Merry Christmas. Little things like that remind me daily why I fell in love with him. Anyway, I don’t want to sound selfish but I can’t go through life wondering what would have happened if we didn’t try IVF at least once. I’m in the mindset of one day next year we’ll become parents. There are so many medical advances made every day that it’s insane what scientists and doctors are going to be able to achieve. Please when you ask why I wont adopt it’s because I want my babies made from my husband and me, first. Then if we can’t make that happen we’ll get to another game plan but right now we are putting all of our chips in front of the dealer and hoping we have the winning hand. Please continue to prayer for us, send positive energy, whatever spiritual thing you are into add us to your list of giving thanks and lifting us up. I truly don’t think how strenuous a marriage can be when you throw in every day life stuff but then your partner gets diagnosed with an incurable disease.

Having this been cleared up, please don’t ask me why I won’t adopt because I refuse to give up on myself, my husband and everything we’ve talked about thus far in our journey.


I’m thinking of doing a Q&A for my next blog so if you have any questions please shoot me a message on facebook and I’ll go through them and answer then for you!

Until Next Time


babies, best friend, black, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, infertility, IUI, learning, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women's issues

University of Cincinnati Center for Reproductive Health

I’ve struggled with what to write the last few weeks. Not only have I felt a little down but I also didn’t know how to process my feelings enough to write down. We went down to the University of Cincinnati’s Center for Reproductive Health in West Chester. It’s been a few weeks now because I remember it being an all day visit. The doctor that I saw was young, not more than a few years than I am. She asked me the normal questions, why were we there, what made me think I had endometriosis, what do we want to do,etc. I answered all her questions and I asked a lot too. I brought all my records with my from the last two and half years. She didn’t really look at them until we started talking about what we had planned. She talked about an IUI, which there facility charges about $1200 per IUI (Kettering charged $800). So for us that was a bit of an increase, plus I had already said I would not go through another IUI. She said that’s where we needed to start in order for her to get a better understanding of how my reproductive system is or is not functioning. I was adamant on not doing another one because they are too difficult on me emotionally and mentally. The two week wait is a lot to handle and with only having one tube there is a lesser chance of us getting pregnant. She then suggested using donor eggs because I only have one side. I have made the decision I will not use donor eggs because it’s just as risky as going through IVF. I know this is going to sound crass or even selfish but if I am going to carry a child and use science to get pregnant I want my baby to have my DNA. Now, I know that is going to make some people mad but that’s the choice I have made with Russell’s consent. She then suggested IVF, which is the route I know we are going to have to take. For them IVF at it’s lowest is $16,000. For us it’s more like $18-$19,000. She said I don’t have a high chance of getting pregnant. That’s where she and Dr. Karnitis’s opinion are different. He says because my body is able to react well with fertility meds he is confident we could have triplets if we wanted to. However, our UC doc says she doesn’t think it’s a high probability. We ended the appointment disappointed and relieved at the same time. We have also decided it would be best for us to stay in Kettering. But we wanted to get a second opinion to make sure we weren’t missing any information.

It is very important for me to have a doctor that can see the positive in any situation. The doctor at UC only seeing the negative is not going to help us get through this process. The nurses, doctors and care team at Kettering are always there for us. They were there when I needed to cry, have a ton of questions, and give us good news. I need a doctor who is the best at what he/she does, and Dr. Karnitis is it. We have also decided to put fertility treatment on hold for now because the holiday’s are just too hard emotionally on a regular basis but to add treatment on top would be too much. We are hoping that starting spring 2018 we will be able to begin the IVF process. Until then we are going to prep my body the best way we can with vitamins and supplements and lots of positive thinking. We are also going away for Thanksgiving, just the two of us to reconnect, spend some quality time together and take in some football games! As you can imagine going through infertility is hard on a couple. It’s stressful and draining. I have never said our marriage is perfect and never will. We are happy and love each other very much but we need some time to forget about daily life and have some fun.

We hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Until Next Time


abortion, babies, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized

Can I tell you a little secret?

I’m scared. I’m anxious. I feel a little like a failure…well a lot like a failure but we’ll get back to that in a minute. Thursday is the day we meet our second RE in the last 19 months. We just want a second opinion. Dr K.’s office says we can either go back on Lupron for another 3 months or have the worst periods ever and continue on that path until we are ready for IVF. At this point all my numbers are low. And by low I mean they are basically non existent. When I asked the nurse that works with Dr. K what to do next, like could we do a round of femara with a trigger shot and try on our own? Can we do the femara with trigger shot and then plan another IUI? I could hear the heartbreak in her voice because she said I’m sorry but the best thing you can do is to save up the month for IVF because no other is going to work for you. That’s when Russell brought up the idea of getting  a second opinion to see if they see something or have a different type of treatment that isn’t going to break the bank. What makes this harder is knowing nothing is wrong with Russell, thank goodness. His labs and analysis all came back extremely well and I am so grateful for that. But that means I’m the one that’s broken. And 13 months into a brands new marriage this is tough. I knew when we said for better or worse and sickness and in health  that phrase would ring so true over for us right now.

I know some people have asked about why we chose to see another RE (reproductive endocronologist) because Russell is all about asking questions. He is all about making sure we leave a meeting knowing every little detail before the paperwork has even come to our mailbox. I love that about him because in situations like we’ll be in I freeze and can’t think of anything to say. I just write down the answers and make sure we can discuss everything on the car ride home. We are also seeing another RE because I’m still in a lot of pain and I feel like I”m being heard. KRM is a great establishment with one of the highest live birth success rates. Dr. K. has been nothing but nice and straightforward with me and with Russell. But a second opinion never hurts because some doctors think more outside the box while others don’t.

I also don’t know if you all know this but Russell and I wanted to have 4 or 5 kids. In the very beginning stages of our relationship we would talk about how cute babies are and one day we’d have our own. Well Lena made her debut as a ‘Young’ about a week later. He thought I was taking her back but she was stuck with us and the other two that following. More about their stories in another blog. I got off on a tangent there for a second. My point is Russell and I have always wanted a large family. Now I’m not sure what we’ll have. We will definitely implant two maybe more depending on how we feel about it and see what happens from there. If somehow the universe will allow my body to make a few eggs we’ll let them become fertilized and freeze the healthy embryos in case we decide we want one more try at it in the future. Needless to say I’m sure you feel a little stressed reading this. This is what I go through on a consistent basis. Throw in some random questions like ‘why did Russell marry me know I have a disease that is incurable and children may not  be an option. And the am I pretty enough? Am  I good enough because with the way  I look and feel no man should have to look at it. But each time he says he loves me, he thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and that children or no children we’ll be just fine as long as we have each other. Please send your positive vibes out for us this week and every week because infertility is bad but knowing it’s what you’ve always too is heart breaking.

Until Next Time


babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, infertility, IUI, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, Ohio, pageant girl, PIO, PUPO, race, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Still having Hot Flashes…

This week has been filled with highs and lows. Needless to say I’m ready to relax tomorrow and forget the world exists. July 25 I went into the fertility doctor’s office and they gave me the shot. They said once week 12 hits I shouldn’t have hot flashes, insomnia, etc. I’m having the hot flashes and even worse the ever before. My ears turn bright red,  my nose turns red and my entire body from top to bottom sweats so much you’d think I Just ran a marathon.

It’s been a long week because there has been a lot to do. I had to schedule our second opinion. We’ve decided it’s best to go to Cincinnati. I already see a Nuerologist at UC Health. Dr. Vij. He’s amazing and the reason I keep going back to get my botox! I’m getting my last botox treatment until after we give birth. In order to get botox I have to count four months out on the calendar and know when we’re in the safe zone to conceive.  But I am excited to meet this new guy and see what he has to say. Everyone is going to be different but I hope he will hear me when I speak to him. We have a lot more reasons for choosing UC Health but getting the best care is what is most important to us, especially if I have to pay for everything then I’ll make sure  we are seeing the person we want to see. Not to mention our current doctor can’t see us until we are ready to begin IVF treatment. We feel this is the perfect time to get a second opinion. I realize all the costs that are associated with infertility but I am signing up to get pregnant.

But I’ve had such a down week. It all began at the beginning of the week because I was feeling awful. I had to cancel a few appointments I had with friends and with my doctors simply because I couldn’t get out of bed. I cried a lot and  said to the universe ” why is this happening to us? I’ve been a little unstable emotionally this week. Every little thing stressing me out. I’m noticing negative thoughts are entering my space. Thoughts talking about me as a mother, how do I deserve a child over someone else, am I ready, etc. All these questions are consuming me and for a split second earlier this week I thought maybe I’m being punished for something I did in a past life. But I’m coming around now.

Some days are better than others and I’m still learning how to deal with emotions that infertility brings.  As also, please hug a friend extra tight and let them know you’re there. Even if it’s just to text about their day. I have a very small circle of girlfriends and one of them has been so understanding of why I can’t do things when I did say I could do. She understands how much this takes out of me. I’m not ignoring anyone if they are trying to hang out!

Until Next Time



abortion, babies, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, learning, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women's issues

That moment you realize no one believes you or your disease

I came to the realization that there are doctors, more specifically those who don’t fully understand what endometriosis is, and therefore think I’m faking my pain. It all started last Saturday at Kettering. I was in the ER for excruciating back and pelvic pain. I get back to a room where I wasn’t given an IV or anything. After a few minutes a lovely young lady walks in. I see she has a notepad and is in scrubs. So basically she’s a student learning for this shift. She sat down and asked the usual questions : why are you here? where is your pain? what has caused this pain? can you explain in more detail what endometriosis is? have you had surgery in the past? Tell me more about your surgeries. And this goes on and on and on and on because so many nurses have never heard of the term endometriosis before they encountered me. After sitting the room for over an hour, I’ve asked for water because I’m getting quite parched, they ask me to do a pee test. Now if I hadn’t seen what I did when I walked in maybe I wouldn’t be second guessing the reasoning  behind it all. And when the nurse came back into the room and said my sample was fine they just wanted me to make sure there wasn’t anything in my system. After that it was like here’s an anti-nausea pill and a shot of morphine and you get to go home now.

Here’s why I’m complaining. When a doctor can’t “see” pain it can be very hard to diagnose. But I feel like a lot of the time when things get too hard or their priorities shift they’re just like this girl needs to go there is nothing we can do for her. So now we are back at square one. I have an OBGYN appointment tuesday. As you can tell its 3am. I’m in more pain than you can imagine and the pain in my lower back is starting to spasm.

Until we have a day where information about endometriosis comes out and there is a cure or even a way to detect it, this is how endometriosis will continually be treated.

Until Next Time


babies, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, fashionista, growing, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, pageant girl, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, Volunteer, women, women's issues

Hello Friends!

It’s been SUCH a long time! So much has happened, yet time seems to stand still some days. I’m at a point in my journey where the pain is now chronic. If I don’t have a heating pad, ice pack or a comfortable place to sit I am very much in pain. Pain so much that it starts in my lower back and radiates up to my shoulders. I cramp randomly and I never know when they’ll happen. I don’t sleep because of the Lupron and am now seeking the help of a physical therapist.

For those that don’t know Depo-Lupron is a shot that stops a woman from having a period. I had it last year but don’t remember much of it because it was only one month doses. This time I got the 3 month dose. Lupron will force your reproductive system into menopause. You know all those times when your mom says “Is anybody else hot in here?” and you think okay you’re a little nuts… that has turned into me multiple times a day. I have hot flashes so bad it gets hard to breathe and I start sweating. There is nothing anyone can do I am supposed to be hitting a window where they will plateau. I’m hoping those moments are coming soon because I don’t want to relive this again 20-25 years. After this we’ll go through the IVF process. I am ready right now to start the process. I would start tomorrow if it were possible, however, we all know that unless you’re famous or just have a very well paying job, it takes time to save up the money for IVF. As I’ve stated before we have agreed to do whatever it takes to do this. I don’t think either of us have wanted something more in our lives.

I’m going through physical therapy because I can’t keep taking medications to help with the back pain. I am seeing a woman named Ellen and she is amazing! She knows about scar tissue and the damage it can cause to your organs. She explained to me that my lower abdominal muscles were extremely weak. She said my intestines were stuck in places it shouldn’t be and my pelvis is tilted all the way to my tailbone (ouch!). I have 30 sessions with her and she is hopeful we’ll be able to get my body in a better place. This will not only allow me to start working out again but it will be a better vessel to carry a baby(ies). Ellen knows about endometriosis and it’s effects on the female body. She has also an adoptive daughter. For me I really need to be able to connect to the staff at my doctor’s offices. At the IVF office I know one of the nurses and all the other women are so incredibly invested in us getting pregnant that I feel like I’ve connected with them. The staff Kettering Hospital is always great when I go there if I’m having a real bad flair up. And now Ellen. She was telling me about her journey through adoption and that it wasn’t easy but she now has this beautiful daughter whom she is very thankful for. I can already tell we’ll be laughing and healing at the same time!

Well, I think that’s all I have for now. I’m going to try to get some sleep but it looks nearly impossible at this point 😉 I hope everyone has a great weekend ahead of them and a GREAT National Fantasy Football Day on Saturday!


Until Next Time,