My Voice of Reason, Guidance and Hope

It feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve last written a blog. I didn’t post my last blog but you can find it here. But the last month has been very hard. I’ve had to learn patience all over again. By patience I mean not being able to remember simple words that I know I know, not being able to fully communicate a sentence without pausing in between because I’ve forgotten what I said, or even just the constant dizziness, nausea and exhaustion. I don’t see a specialist until next month and I’ve already been a strict no driving or working life. I have realized I miss the simple things like going to the grocery store and just being able to drive myself to do simple things. This month has not only been hard for me but for Russell too. He has to sit back and watch me lay on the floor until everything stops spinning, watch me have a full blown panic attack because I’m scared of what’s going on.I know what to expect when these episodes are having. First, I start to loose my peripheral vision, then everything starts to get blurry and the room feels like your in the fun house with all the mirrors and the floor looks like its moving all around you. I have to lay on the floor no matter where I am because otherwise I’ll fall. I’ve already done that three times so I think it’s time to learn  my lesson and just sit for a while. The first time I fell was very surreal. I was in the bathroom and all of the sudden I’m sitting on the floor, back against the door, and my head is throbbing. Thankfully Russell was home. The other times I’ve fallen haven’t been too serious, other than Christmas eve when I lost all consciousness and hit my lower back on the edge of our fireplace and the ironing board came down giving me a good smack in the head. I’m pretty bummed that I don’t have my appointment until February 11th. Thankfully I’ve had some easy tasks that I can do around the house so I’m keeping busy.

“Sometimes what we think are curses are really blessings in disguise”

But, the one thing that’s bothering me most is having to put Operation Baby Young on hold. I’ve been going through infertility for three years now. We had been on the right track and then we were saving up that bit that we needed. But then I had a seizure in November and didn’t know it until after the accident. Sitting at home is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because I really need my brain and body to heal. However, it’s a curse because I’m running through all the different situations planned out to have avoided that instance. I keep thinking about the what ifs. I keep thinking “when will it be our turn”? I feel guilty, anxious, angry and sad all at the same time because I want to become a mother (not just a fur mama either). I have had this feeling deep within my soul that I have always been meant to be a mother. I don’t know if that comes from wanting to nurture others and take care of people or if it’s an instinct that I know I have to be able to act upon. The last three years have seen their highs and lows. Right now we’re kind of coasting in the middle hoping and praying for our miracle baby. It’s funny Russell and I were talking about our situation with wanting to have children and getting to that point. He said to me, “There are women who would give their lives for their children and you’re already giving yours to a child we haven’t created yet”. *Cue the waterworks* I have never looked it from that vantage point. He has made comments on how much I’ve put myself through and he has no idea how I’ve done it. For me it’s simple, I’ll put my body through the ringer and do everything I have to do in order to have children. I’m wiling to take supplements, do the shots and whatever else it takes for my body to be ready to carry a child. He truly changed my perspective on how I’ve viewed our situation. Hence why he’s the glass half full and I’m the glass half empty. There is no perfect road to get anywhere in life. There are lots of bumps and unforeseen circumstances that get in the way of your dreams and goals. But if you keep going, strive to be the best version of yourself (as Rachel Hollis says) make sacrifices, choose your dream over other things like having a social life and poor your heart and soul into that dream.  It is never too late to have a dream and it’s never too early to become that dream either. Dreams and goals are what keep us motivated giving us that extra oomph when we wake up in the morning and are eager to start a new day. If the last 4-5 weeks have taught me anything it’s live your life as if it were your last day on Earth. Think of what you’d want to do with that last day. Would you be sharing all the dreams you had that you attained or are you going to be that person that chose to follow their gut and despite what others had to say went for it; all in. The last thing anyone wants is to see someone else living your dream life (again thanks Rachel Hollis for this concept!). So go chase those dreams, go be that boss babe you were meant to be while saying thank you next to those who now want to be in your circle because you decided to be different. I think that’s enough rambling for one session. If you have any book recommendations please let me know I’d greatly appreciate it! 

Until Next Time

xoxo

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The Moment My Life Changed Forever

Friday, December 14, 2018 is a day I will never forget; at the least the parts I remember. I was headed out the door to get to work on time (which is early) and I remember Russell saying, “Be Careful and I love you”. He always utters that simple phrase when I leave the house and I say the same to him. I remember taking my usual route to get there and the next thing I know I have been involved in a head on car accident. I have no recollection of being at the stop sign and turning right. I have no recollection of getting into the accident. What I do know is coming to from being out for a few moments to realize my head, neck, and feet were tingling. I saw my phone was pretty close and with little movement I called Russell. He panicked, while I cried uncontrollably. Seconds went by and the first officer on the scene arrived. He got the pertinent information he needed at the time and told me not to move until the EMT’s arrived. I was so scared and in so much shock that I started hyperventilating. The EMT held my hand and kept telling me to breath while making small talk so I could focus on something else. There were three people around the around the car trying to get my out. Two on the drivers side and one on the passenger to help with the board to load me into the ambulance. In typical Angelica fashion I tell the EMT’s I don’t want to go the hospital without my husband. They said they’d send him over as soon as he got to where I was. I’ve never been in an ambulance but it was scary. My toes were still numb and they weren’t moving. Panic set in again at the thought that I did some damaged to my back. I also have a concussion and whiplash.

At the hospital in the ER I was met by a team of doctors who just stated cutting off all my clothes and taking my valuables and putting them in a baggie ; i.e. my wedding set, earrings, necklace, bobby pins and my lip balm. I spent the night because they had to make sure I was making progress during my stay in the trauma unit.

While I’m laying in this awful hospital gown with a neck brace so big you’d think I was chipmunk that got his head stuck. I wasn’t able to get out of bed or the alarm on the bed would have gone off!

The next day I are breakfast and my best friend, Erin, came to visit and see how I was going. After she left a cognitive specialist came in and asked if could test people to see if their memory was what it was before the accident and sadly, it wasn’t. She said my thought process is wasn’t normal for someone my age and said I have a severe concussion and need to take it easy because it takes weeks if not months to get the working properly again. After she left it wasn’t a few more house than answers I’m so glad she was by side that day because she was the only person to reach out to me and see how I’m feeling. I’m so glad that we apart of each others lives and when we go a few moths without talking or seeing one another we just pick up where we left off.  A few hours, about 5, I was released and go to home. My body has never felt worse.

After coming home I realized I could have easily I need more time with my mom and dad. I need to find more time for Marisa. I need to call my grandparents more often. I would love to with my family and that’s it. But the one thing I still want most in this lifetime is a baby. I know right now is not a good time to through treatment but I still dream about being a mother ever.single.day and there is nothing I’d love more than to see Russell as a far. This accident took a lot from me,  I can’t drive or work and have to rely on others to help me with running my errands. I’d like to take a moment to tell you guys how awesome my mom is. Last Saturday into Sunday I was feverish and sick. So Sunday she tells me to drink sprite or Gatorade but I didn’t have any. So she left to go to the store and bring me a get well care package, equipped with chicken noodle soup. Mom to the rescue. She’s the reason I want to become a mother. She is one of my best friends and I wish there were more I could do show her my appreciation throughout my whole life.But, I’ve learned life’s too short to hold grudges, be spiteful, rude, angry, etc. What you can do is wake up in the morning asking yourself, “How can make my day and someone else’s day better?” Pay for someones coffee or lunch if you’re able, volunteer, join the Boys and Girls club.

While this New Year has started the way I had hoped for I know it can only go up from here. I’m still planning what my future will look like and now I have plenty of time to really understand how valuable my time, as well as, your time is. Tomorrow is never promised, use your time to see those you need to reconnect with. If the accident taught me anything, I thought I was strong before but I’m going to come out of this stronger than ever before.

I missed you all and I’m sorry for the absence but I will be writing more now that I’ve got time and lots more to talk about .

Until Next Time

xoxo

Infertility is a literal bitch

I know I told you I needed a break but I have to write one more blog. I have to get this out because if I don’t I may explode. I’m having a harder time than usual right now. It just seems like the sky is falling and there is nothing I can do to prevent it from crashing down.

Today is one of those days when I want to crawl in a hole and not come out. One of those I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel days. One of those I’m a failure days. I had an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist. Each time I meet with him I’m so optimist that something is going to change from the time I last saw him to my current appointment. But in reality, each time I see him the hope fades a little more. My body has been through hell and back and we don’t know how the damage is going to affect our future. Being on Lupron for 2 years on and off, putting my body through hell with all types of medicines and gaining an insane (amount for me) amount of weight (40 pounds) has been difficult. Throw in the mix of emotions and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. 

Earlier this week I asked Russell to stay home while I went to my appointment because sometimes I need the time to process things on the way there and home. Today was a day I’m thankful I went alone. It was hard. Going through infertility is so incredibly frustrating. To this day I still wonder why this is happening to me and what I did in order for this to be happening. I know I say that over and over and over again but it’s the truth. If you’re reading this and you have children, hold them close, kiss their faces, and thank God every day for them. So many women would give anything for those moments and the satisfying feeling that comes with motherhood. I also want to touch on one other thing: the holidays. I love the snow, smells, baked goods, and anything Christmas. Let’s be real our house is already being decorated with decor! I only have a few things left to get, aside from the tree. The holidays are very difficult for women with infertility. We go into stores just looking for items and then we see items in the children’s aisle. Santa hats that say “My 1st Christmas” or the onesie that says “Best Present Ever”. These items are soul-crushing to see because these are items we want to buy, but we can’t. We try to distract ourselves by keeping busy but its tough. Then the Christmas cards come in the mail. You see your friends with their families and children looking cute as ever in their matching outfits. And you stare at that photo because you long for moments like those. This is the part of the journey that is most challenging. The purpose of my blog is to share with you the good, the bad, the ugly, the not so bad parts of infertility. Today happened to be one of the bad days. I’ll sit in my sadness wondering where this all came from. Wondering if there could have been something I could have done earlier in life to prevent these days from happening. Then I wonder what my purpose for having this disease is because I know there is one, I just can’t pinpoint it. I know the lesson I’m learning will make sense eventually I just wish there was a specific date so I could have some closure. Unfortunately, there is no end in sight and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting further and further away from us.

I may write from time to time but I’m serious about taking a break from writing to clear my head so….

Until Next Time

xoxo

I Need a Break

There comes a time when everyone needs a break. A break from life and everything it has to bring. I know I haven’t been blogging as much lately but that’s because I don’t really know what to say and don’t just want to write something because everyone else is.

The truth is I’ve been pretty sick lately and need to take time to recharge. I’ve been trying to think of ways that I can relax without stressing about all the things I should be doing (hello huge pile of laundry that needs to be folded!).

I won’t lie. My last appointment at Dr. Karnitis’ office really messed with me. My worst fears came to fruition and we are kind of in this limbo hoping and waiting for things to get better. The stress this entire process has brought on is more than I can handle. My body is shutting down and quite frankly I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting, hoping, putting on a brave face and I’m tired of getting bad news. I’m tired of fighting but I won’t give up. I’m tired of hoping but I will continue to believe we will have a baby. I’m tired of everything and right now I need a break. My health has been so bad that I haven’t been able to work and just need my rest. I feel like there comes a time when we need to reset. This is my time. I hope you all understand that this break needs to be time for reflection and working on bettering myself. I will slowly start to take a social media break as well. I think focusing on myself instead of comparing others situations, seeing pregnancy announcements, etc will keep me less stressed. I’ll be back and when I am I’ll be able to bring you more content that is better and be able to better describe my feelings and what we are going through.

Until Next Time

xoxo

Reason for my Absence

If you didn’t read the last blog, what are you waiting for? Now is the best time to start following along in our journey because it’s only getting harder from here on out. I mentioned in my last blog that I had taken time off to clear my mind. Ya see, my anxiety and depression that comes from having infertility issues have really gotten the best of me lately. I have found that it has been hard to get out of bed some days. Some days I’d get up and walk around like a zombie until it was time for me to go back to bed. With that being said, I know I need to go to therapy but it’s taking a while for me to find the right one. The last therapist I was seeing wasn’t the type of person that could help me. I need a specific type of person to teach me how to do things, be more proactive in certain situations, and more importantly, I want someone to give me some “homework” if you will to try to get me out of a funk. The therapist I saw before was more focused on me repeating the same sentence and breathing; that type of counseling isn’t enough. I’ve learned quite a bit during my hiatus.

1. I am extremely co-dependent on Russell. I know I know, every person should be able to rely on themselves and be a badass boss lady. While I do see myself as a badass boss lady I also know that I can’t do certain things if Russell isn’t with me. I can’t go places without Russell for fear that something will happen. Prime example, today we had to take Lena to the emergency vet hospital. I kept noticing this week that parts of her body were missing fur and completely sore and bloody. I was worried until I saw a chunk was missing from her tail and we could see the pink skin underneath her fur. I started to panic. He is talking me off a ledge and trying to get home from work as fast as he can. I was so thankful that he was able to get home to go with me. He told me I could take her but I just started crying and said no I can’t go without you; I’ll lose it and I knew I would if he wasn’t there. He came with me and sat with me until Lena was ready. She was seen and we are giving her the best treatment possible.
2. My friends are the bomb! I’m talking old friends, new friends, best friends, sisters and my mom (because I’m an adult now and I can say my mom is my best friend!!) They are 100% there for me when I need them and I know I can always count on them. (If you read yesterday’s blog you’d know this is a repeat)
3. My husband has to be the selfless person on the face of the earth—this was the biggest lesson I’ve learned throughout our entire journey really. Last Monday I had the pleasure of seeing Dr. Karnitis at this new office and facility. It’s perfect just in case you were wondering. We made a plan to do an ultrasound since it’d been a month from my last one. We wanted to check everything out and see how my body was reacting to being woken up from a dormant state. The results were not what I was expecting to hear. In the 2+ years, we’ve been seeing Doctor Karnitis, I have never cried in his office or in front of him. I try my best to keep it together in front of others but for some reason, I broke down while sitting down with him and working through some key issues we are facing. The news was so devastating that I cried uncontrollably on my way home. Once I got home I filled Russell in with the diagnosis and he says, “No matter what happens in our life we are a family. We will be happy. We will get through this stronger than ever. And no matter what the life we live is pretty damn good and we have fun together and love being together. So no matter what life throws at us we’ll be okay”. I mean come on with that! I cried even harder at that. I’ve realized I have been the most blessed to have such a wonderful husband, best friend, shoulder to cry on, personal chef, and so much more! There is no spouse quite like Russell, but enough gloating, all this attention may go to his head (hehe).
4. We have decided to hold off on IVF…for now. Right now it’s not the right time. We are getting ready for busy season at work and that’s the time servers make the majority of their yearly income in November, after the second week and all through December. I also wanted to take time off to reevaluate our next steps and go in for ultrasounds every 2 weeks. From there we will determine which month will be the best month to start but if we find that I have the number of eggs I’d be comfortable with moving forward, we would start immediately. So basically we are taking this month by month and when the time is right we’ll go for it. We are still asking everyone to say a prayer to whomever you believe in and send all the fairy dust our way.

Until Next Time

xoxox

 

 

Health and Life Update

“Be an Encourager. The world has enough The world has plenty of critics already.”—Uknown

 

Hi there everyone! I hope you had a wonderful first half of the week! The last 6 days have been really tough. We all know that I have endometriosis but what some of you may not know is that I also have chronic migraines. I average anywhere from 5-20 headache days a month.; 5 of them are usually severe and I can’t function. Having a migraine is a challenge and you throw in having endo too and it truly amazes me how I’m able to function every day.  I push through pain every single day and when I can’t keep pushing myself I try to rest. Rest is a crucial part to try not to overwork yourself. Migraines are induced for so many reasons; anxiety, stress, depression, etc. For me, I get migraines when I’m stressed. What I don’t tell a lot of people is it’s hard to prove myself at work and it’s a hindrance on my performance as a server. I try my absolute best at being a great server but each of is going to through a bad day every now and then and you know what? It’s okay to have an off day. A day when you want to be alone to think about what path you should take, especially if you are at a crossroads in life. My stress also stems from IVF treatment. I wish money grew on the trees in my backyard because honey this procedure is incredibly important and the only way that I’ll become a mother. It’s the only thing I know I’ll be good at. I love babies. I love changing diapers, answering questions, playing games and connecting with my friend’s kids because seeing other miracle babies makes me want to cry and smile all at the same time.

Back to my migraines. I’ve had them since I was 12. Pretty much ever since I’ve had a cycle I knew I’d get a migraine a week before starting and then get another one the night before and several days after a migraine makes its appearance.  I have to lay in bed with the fan on high and asking my husband for soup and other things to make myself feel better. He literally is my knight in shining armor because, without Russell, I’d literally fall apart. I’m so grateful he chose me and continues to love me despite having several chronic illnesses. He has been with me since day one cheering me on in anything I wanted to do and accomplish. I couldn’t have gotten any luckier to have a husband like mine. And it’s like he cooks, cleans, gives the girls baths, and is ALWAYS telling me how much he appreciates what I do and I include him every step of the way. He is my rock and has been the last few years of me being sick. When we met I wasn’t like this. I didn’t have unusual periods, they were painful as hell but they were like any other cycle. But as our relationship grew and we became closer day by day, we notice that we couldn’t sit around and wait for our turn. Some days are easier than others. Some days I just want to cry because I’m not sure how this journey is going to pan out. Will we end up paying a pretty for the treatment? It’s not guaranteed, honestly, the most irritating about the situation is that if you fail you have to start all over again from scratch. But we do have a plan in place in case this doesn’t work. I go for another ultrasound before stating my other meds next week. I’m nervous but I’m trying not to be. I’m keeping myself busy because then I can think about other pressing issues, you know like writing for Do You Endo. I hope the next thing I work on will blow your socks off. I’m not quite ready to share but once I’ve gotten a little bit more done I’ll share a sneak peak. One more thing before I go, please send us all the love, prayer and positive energy you can think of. We truly need it.  **Disclaimer** Russell is perfectly healthy and we have nothing to worry about on his end. He basically has superman swimmers. haha So now that we know it’s me I need to prove to people that no matter how hard the situation is you have to keep fighting. Don’t get me wrong this path has been not the easiest path but I believe that we are getting ready to change our lives for the better. I also know that no matter what happens our destiny has already been chosen for us, we just need to keep doing what we are doing because we are stronger than ever. Our anniversary is in a few weeks. I’m looking forward to just spending some time alone celebrating together. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you by my side and I don’t know where I’d be without you.

Also, as I mentioned before I’m working on something that is very out of my comfort zone. I’m nervous about it but that’s okay. I’ll be sharing bits and pieces of what I’m working on because I don’t want what I’m working on to be healthy, our country and decisions to have an abortion, etc. I love my husband so much. More than I can even put to words. I just melt every time I see what could possibly be coming my way soon. Please keep in touch and don’t hesitate to share my blog. I love meeting new people and talking about their journey, where they are and what they plan to do. I think it’s empowering for women to establish their tribe. Going through infertility you want to make sure to ask if she’s out. Please don’t hesitate to contact via email and I will give you the best type of advice I can.

I hope this blog helps you all with whatever you are going through ❤ Again if you need to talk please feel free to reach me here: angelicamyoung@hotmail.com.

Until Next Time

Angelica

Why I Pressed Pause and You Should Too

Hey guys! As you can see it’s not 3 in the morning and I’ve written a wonderful piece for you all to read! However, I’m in a ton of pain and sick so I decided what better way to get my mind off of things than to tell you what we’ve been doing lately?

So I pressed pause on social media. I found myself getting so caught up in what everyone was doing, trying to compete with others “likes” and “shares” that I didn’t like that I couldn’t be present. There are so many moments that we forget to just enjoy the scenery and the people who love us. For example, last year Russell took me to my first Clay Walker concert. It was a hot and sticky summer night and I had on what I thought was the best outfit to known to mankind. It was this beautiful long sleeve romper with country inspired detailing. The bell cow sleeves were amazing and the night was one I will never forget. Oh and sidenote I was the only brown biscuit for miles but that’s okay because I had the time of my life. Anyway, I was so caught up in getting everything on video that I realized I wasn’t really taking in the concert. Once my phone died I could really enjoy myself with my husband because dates like that are few and far between. So anyway the purpose of me sharing this is story is to tell you I was getting pictures and videos to share with the world. What I wasn’t doing was enjoying my time with my husband. At one point Russell said go up to the stage and I’ll take your picture. Before I knew it the lady next to me grabbed my hand and we were up by the stage with Clay singing directly at us!! I literally thought this is what heaven had to consist of because my favorite country singer looked directly in my eyes and was singing to me. Dear Jesus just thinking about it makes me all warm and fuzzy. I even told Russell besides our engagement and wedding that day was the best day of my life. Bonus, he got to hear our first dance song live and it was magical!!!

The point to my entirely too long story is to tell you to put your phone down. I mean you can finish my article first but then go put your phone down. You, me and millions of people take for granted what’s right in front of us. We half pay attention when we watch tv shows or movies. We have to take a picture in a trendy spot when we see one. Why you ask? Because we’ve become so dependent on “likes” that we take pictures left and right and don’t forget your good side and the lighting and the outfit you’re wearing. All these things matter. But most importantly we are looking for as many likes as we can get while failing to realize that our life is not about the number of likes we get. Not to mention real life is not what picture you post on social media. Life consists of the outtakes, the deleted pictures, the pictures where you may not like the angle but the people in that picture would move heaven and earth for you. Life happens in the moments in between the pictures. Life is beautiful and unexpected and can only be enjoyed when you put the screen down.

I took a bit of a break from everything because I wanted to really spend time with my husband. I wanted to be as in the moment as one could be. Not to mention, This Is Us, started it’s third season this week and I was more than ready to see the episode. If you haven’t seen the episode I’ll wait to chat about it and hope you watch it soon because The Pearsons are back and the storylines are gonna be soooo good! I also took a break to better myself. I bought a book and started reading it. I’m not six chapters in and can’t wait to get another book. I forgot how much I love reading. I also have been busy researching growth hormone and how it affects the chances of getting pregnant via IVF. It’s an extremely pricey shot that we weren’t preparing for but the research suggests that without growth hormone the chances of getting pregnant are lowered quite a bit; with growth hormone the chances are significantly increased. So why am I even bringing this up because it seems like a no-brainer right? Wrong. It’s so much extra money that we don’t really have in our budget. I mean IVF is expensive enough as is and we just have to continue doing research to see what is going to suit us the best. Not to mention we went through a trial run of how the transfer will go and that was awful. I’m grateful Russell was there but I’m pretty sure it traumatized him. I’ll spare you the details for now. And Dr. Karnitis is no longer with KRM so we’ve been going through a change at the literally the worst moment in our journey. But we are still in direct communication with him and Dr. Bidwell is going to be taking over from here. I met with him briefly and he seems like a nice man, I mean he also started the practice so I have full faith in him. It’s just tough because Dr. Karnitis is our guy. I’m biased but I think Dr. Karnitis is one of the most intelligent and caring doctors I’ve ever met. Working with him was a pleasure and I’m definitely going to miss him and our two hour long discussions. I’ll also miss his staff too and I’m hoping our IVF process isn’t interrupted too much. I’m at the point now where I’m giving myself a dose of Lupron each morning and it’s not fun. My belly is starting to bruise and I can only imagine what’s to come. I’m also taking 8 oral medications and today I was dumb enough to not eat appropriately before taking said medication and got super sick. I can easily say the last few weeks have been challenging and I know they are only going to continue getting more challenging. Thankfully I have my family and friends to lean on in my times of need. So that’s why I’ve pressed pause for a bit. But I’m back and will be taking lots of notes on our treatment so when the time comes I can share every detail with you. Right now, you’re getting bits and pieces but when it’s all said and done and we’re pregnant I’ll go through everything…the good, bad and ugly.

For now, I’m going to rest as much as I can. Do more research. Be more present and read more books.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

How Pageantry Changed Me

When most think of pageantry they think of Miss America, Miss USA, and Miss Universe. Oh! and the scandalous behavior going on behind the scenes of the Miss America Organization. There are a lot of things people don’t like about pageantry, however, pageantry changed my life.

Before pageantry, I thought I knew what having girlfriends and girls that would forever be my friends meant. I had met my one best friend in college and the other through pageantry. There are a lot of girls going to compete for a title but only ones come out the winner. However, every girl wins because they come out of the weekend with new friendships and sisterhoods that will last forever. I know I can call one of them or send them a message and they’ll be there for me in a heartbeat. There are no friends like pageant friends.

Today I was convinced that pageant friends make the best friends. I received a package in the mail today from my friend Kally. I had no idea what it was until I opened the package and saw a pineapple coin purse and a Little Words Project bracelet that says Captivating. This meant so much to me because being a Captivating Queen allowed me to meet my soul sisters. Not only do I have the best sister queens but I met so many women the weekend of competition that I wouldn’t trade it for the world. That weekend I met so many women from all over the state, as well as, from neighboring states that I never would have had the opportunity to meet had I not entered the world of pageantry. Going through infertility struggles it has been made clear that my pageant sisters have my back. They are praying for us. They are hoping this first time’s a charm. And most of all they are excited to watch as my dreams become a reality. That’s what makes a beauty queen or pageant contestant the best friend you never knew you needed.

To my girls who are always there for me, cheering me on, sending me messages and just being there for me thank you. I appreciate and love you all so much.

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

When Your Confidence Just Takes a Nose Dive

It’s been a rough week. I haven’t mentioned just how much this last week has been trying for me because I just feel like that’s all I do; tell my family and friends what a shitty few years its been. I try not to tell Russell how much this week has sucked because he can feel it. I get quiet and just get into my own head sometimes that I don’t realize I’ve been thinking about five different things, all of which have nothing to do with one another. I’ll share with you the top 5 things that ran through my head today.

1. I’m still upset that Dr. K and his staff are leaving. Part of me can’t help but feel abandoned during a time when I need them the most. They have been there when no one else understands or sees what I have to go through. They have been there through every ultrasound, every blood draw, every phone call to check in and they were the ones to give me the news that both of our IUI’s failed. They have been there for us during our worst times. And I was praying they’d be there during our best. But life is unfair and I have to find a way to move on otherwise I’ll never be satisfied with who I’m seeing and we don’t want any type of hindrance during our IVF cycle.
2. I’m very nervous about this ultrasound tomorrow. It’s called a sonohysterography. What a new long medical term that I’ll get to throw around to make myself sound smarter than I really am! (LOL) Basically, it’s an ultrasound to get a clearer look at the inside of a woman’s uterus. What the doctor will look for are irregularities within the uterus and other reproductive organs, such as, the fallopian tubes and ovaries. A sonohysterography is used to help women who have a hard time getting pregnant. In our case, this uterine ultrasound is going to be used to check on my right ovary and make sure it looks good and healthy. She’s always been a little damaged but she’s a fighter and has produced some pretty good lookin’ eggs in the past so we are hoping for good results. We’ll also be able to see my endometrioma and I’m interested to see how that looks. Remember, I can’t the endometrioma (blood filled cyst) removed or it will take all the follicles I have left, thus resulting in us never being able to have a child biologically. This ultrasound is a protocol for Dr. Karnitis and the practice because it has saved a few women thousands of dollars. If they see anything abnormal that can hinder the IVF process they will tell the woman that she needs to wait and let her body heal. I believe in our case it’s just standard so we have nothing to worry about.
3. I feel awful that I’ve been a terrible friend over the last few years. The biggest regret I’ve been wrestling with is missing my best friends wedding in March. I didn’t get to be there and I should have been. Emma is so amazing because she told me that she completely understands why I couldn’t be there but I’ve had guilt about it ever since. I wanted to watch her walk down the aisle to Evan with her closest friends and family there. I’ll forever be grateful that I was the only person, other than her mom and grandma to be at Lillian’s when she picked out her dress. And she was with me when I first started making my wedding dress. Even though we don’t talk every day or text we know we’re there for one another. If I call her late a night just wanting to vent she’s there and I cherish that about her. AND we’ve been friends for 17 years! That’s more than half my life and I couldn’t imagine life without her in it. I think that’s why I’ve been feeling a little guilty is because I wanted to have certain goals accomplished by then and they didn’t happen. So it was a lose all the way around.
4. I’m nervous to start my writing job. I have a communications degree and I know how to write papers for school but not an online magazine. Well, I’m learning. I have a mentor and I’m so thankful for her because I would be lost without her help and guidance. I’m so thankful that I passed my writing tests and the company I’ll be working for allows me to work from home. I’m nervous just like anyone else would be starting a new job. I just hope to be half the journalist my dad is because he is the cream of the crop. And when I say cream of the crop I mean his accolades are pretty dang impressive. He’s been the President of the Society of Professional Journalists, the largest journalism organization in the United States. He was also only the second African American president in the organization’s history. He has also received a Fulbright scholarship to teach at the University of Iceland and is a professor at Wright State University. And did I mention he’s the best dad ever? Like, ever. He’s always feeding us when we are all together. But anyway, he’s a pretty amazing journalist and if I can have just a little bit of the career I know he’s had I’ll be a very happy girl.
5. Stick with me on this one because it’s very different from my other concerns. We all know endo has taken a toll on my body, especially the weight aspect of this journey. In the last two weeks, I’ve gained another ten or more pounds. I know people look and at me and say I look fine but I sure don’t like it. I feel so awful. I am bloated most of the day. I don’t want to wear any of my cute clothes because I’m uncomfortable most of the day. So when I get home from work I put on sweats or my pj’s depending on how I feel. Today was a pj’s kind of day. I also don’t want to wear my clothes because not only am I not going to feel good but I know I won’t look good either. For most people they would be like “oh I’d kill to look like you” but what they don’t realize is that I’ve put on 40 pounds since being diagnosed with endo and not being able to work out anymore. I do my best to eat healthily, drink enough water (which I didn’t use to do) and try to pay attention to my calorie intake. But let’s be real here, when I get done working late at night I’m hungry so I’ll get something to eat. I have cut out coffee and don’t drink nearly as much as I used to. I limit the amount of soda I have in a day to one, coca cola is my ultimate weakness, especially when it’s ice-cold. I do my best to walk around the neighborhood for ten to fifteen minutes but afterwards, I feel terrible. I flare up, get bloated and then wonder why I torture myself. Weighing as much as I do makes me want to cry. Just the other day I had to get my vitals and getting my weight was one of them. When I stepped on the scale it said 144. That’s three more pounds from the week before when I met with my new physician. Now I know I know 144 doesn’t seem like a lot to most people but I’m not used to weighing more than 115. And it didn’t help that Dr. K said: “I see you’ve put on a little more weight”. He meant it in a good way because when we first started this journey he said I was too thin and needed to gain an additional 20 pounds before we started. I told him how uncomfortable I am and how badly I want to lose weight but he says this is a great weight to start a pregnancy. Part of me thinks it’s a crock of shit and the other part of me is just going with it to see what happens. My point being is that I hate the way my body looks. It’s bad enough I didn’t go to the pool once this summer because I couldn’t stand the way I looked and felt like I would be judged. It’s nice to also have a husband who doesn’t see the weight gain. He says I look beautiful no matter what I weigh but at the end of the day I feel like shit. I have no idea how to get to use to this new body. After all my surgeries that was tough but this is just as though. I see myself in the mirror and have no idea who I am looking at. I just hope one day I can get back to being me. Until then please forgive the amount of joggers and leggings I’ll be wearing this fall and winter.

I  could go on and on and on with the number of things to complain about but those are the things bothering me today. Tomorrow will bring on a different set of challenges that I’ll have to try to conquer. In the meantime keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming our way because IVF is right around the corner. We are thankful for everyone’s support and love. We are doing our best to stay strong, connected, and hopeful on our journey to expand our family.

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

Silver Linings

Just when I think things are going smoothly and we are on track we have a setback. I hadn’t planned on sharing this but I’ve been an open book thus far about our journey and the struggles that come along with infertility so why keep anything a secret?

Last week I found out that Dr. Karnitis is no longer going to be employed by Kettering Reproductive Medicine, and neither will my favorite nurses starting the first of October. Kettering’s fertility clinic was recently acquired by the University of Cincinnati as they continue to grow their brand. Now for those that really pay attention and follow my blogs you’ll know that I’ve been to UC’s fertility clinic and didn’t like it. The only thing I liked was the waiting area because it was so bright and chic. Other than that I didn’t like the staff or doctor. I didn’t like them because I felt as though they were more focused on their established patients. I came home from UC to tell Russell I wanted to stay with Kettering and he was on board. Well now I not only feel blindsided (more on that in a moment) but I feel like I am at a serious crossroad.

Today I had a meeting with Dr. Karnitis to discuss my further treatment plans and what we should do next. I am panicking because getting comfortable with a reproductive doctor and their staff is hard. Not to mention we’ve been working with them for the last two and half years. I feel like I’m losing my tribe at this point. Last week when I finally was able to get ahold of Colleen (IVF Nurse) I started crying on the phone to her I started crying because I wanted to know what went happened to the point that I never received a phone call, email or letting stating that he would no longer be with us. To honest, I think all political and the company doesn’t want any negative feedback. But again, that’s just my opinion.

Today I was so sad seeing Colleen and Dr. K because it is likely the last time, other than my ultrasound on Thursday. As I was checking out Colleen gave me a big hug and told me she is going to continue to pray for us. It was at that moment that I realized how much this staff and organization means to me. My eyes filled with tears and so did hers. As we embraced one another I knew Colleen is apart of my tribe. She is always in my corner and the day I am able to tell her we are pregnant I’m sure she’ll be just as excited and thrilled as we will be. I’m just so sad she’s not going to be there for the most important procedure of my entire life.

I owe so much to Colleen and Dr. K. Without their help, guidance, advice, and love we wouldn’t have the options we do today. Without them, Baby Young wouldn’t really be a topic of conversation. While I’m sad to see them leaving I know they will succeed no matter where they go. Now we have a HUGE decision to make. Stay at Kettering and switch to Dr. Bidwell or follow Dr. Karnitis. There are pros and cons to both situations and we just have to sit down and really think about. I knew IVF wasn’t going to be easy and there would be challenges along the way, this one just happens to suck more than the others. But it’s okay because I’ve learned how strong I am throughout this entire process. Russell and I are going to make the decision that is best for us and we’ll keep you all updated on what we decide to do. This is the part of infertility that sucks. The part that I dread the most. I wish the behind the scenes stuff didn’t have to be bad but I know I’ll look back on this and be so grateful for it all!  The silver lining or today’s adventure is this: as long as I can get my manicure every few weeks I’ll be a happy girl. I’m trying to find the silver lining in every situation because there’s no point in living life if you can’t try to find the good in it.

Until Next Time

xoxo