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Opinion Time!

Hello there! It feels like forever since I last wrote about anything, even though it’s only been a week. I decided to share with you all some huge news about the bracelet special we ran the last week. I had a goal of selling 20 bracelets. Twenty-five percent of the proceeds from each bracelet sold went to Resolve. Each year for Advocacy Day they want to bring light to issues those of us going through infertility face. They also talk about infertility in ways people don’t always think of, for example, male infertility and secondary infertility. Often times when we think of infertility we think of just women and they’d like to break that stigma and way of thinking. So many times women will get pregnant easily the first time and then have trouble when it comes to their second and third pregnancies. There are many factors and diseases that can cause secondary infertility, like PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome).  So I wanted to do something that could impact others or give others a meaning for buying something. I mean how often do you go into a store and spend a ridiculous amount of money only to realize you didn’t need what you bought? I also try to give back to other charities as much as possible. I thought it would be a great way to have something that others can not only pass along one day, but get to know Resolve too. There aren’t many organizations out there dedicated to providing information about infertility or providing information about support groups. I love that Little Words Project and their staff were able to help me with this mission. I also love that they let me personally pick the word, the color of the word and what beaded bracelet it would go on. The experience was amazing and I can’t wait to see what we were able to donate! If you didn’t get a bracelet, hold tight because we bring it back for an additional week sometime soon! For everyone who purchased one, again I can’t thank you enough for your kindness and generosity! I’m very humbled and overwhelmed by your love and support of me.

I feel like this is a safe space to share experiences that happen in my life. I haven’t been able to get something that happened to me out of my mind. An incident occurred a few weeks ago on social media. One of my best friends posted a status asking an opinion about something because she was trying to settle a debate she and her husband were talking about. I commented but didn’t use the right phrasing. Not even five minutes later I received a private message about how my opinion made me a hypocrite because I stated that I notice certain things about people having to do with outwardly appearance. The comment that was made in the private message was what had me confused. The person who sent it said I should know what it feels like to be judged since I’m a former beauty queen and it’s hypocritical of me to say that because I’ve been judged on my appearance in the past. I’m bringing this up for several reasons. I wanted to bring attention to everyone is entitled to their opinion. I also wanted to talk about how just because I’m a former beauty queen doesn’t really mean I don’t notice things about people. If anything being in the industry has given me a way better appreciation for the tribe of people I have to make me look and feel beautiful, special shout out to Ebony at Bombshell Beauty Bar for always making me look and feel amazing! I guess my question for you all is, should I not have commented on the post or can I say things that like. My friend was merely asking if people notice/judge others for the way their eyebrows look. She told her husband she needed to get hers waxed and he said do people even notice. In my comment I said I do notice/judge but I also did say judge has a negative connotation to it and I don’t judge someone in a negative way. Again, my comment was not to be malicious  but to simply say because of my background in the beauty industry it’s something I will probably always notice. My next question is, should I be more aware of how I say things because people are always going to be able to reference my time as Miss Captivating and I feel like I’m going to put on a higher standard than others who haven’t competed and won a title. I know there are times when I won’t always say the right thing and I learned a very valuable lesson through this conversation. I just didn’t know how any of you would have handled the situation any differently. Let me know because this is still on my mind about a week later! I just remember being bullied and called horrendous names while competing because others thought I wasn’t good enough. In the moment of commenting I wasn’t thinking about how the comment would come across to others.

Lesson learned: be careful how you use your words on social media.

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

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Mothers Day

Mothers Day is quickly approaching and the anxiety that is building is something I haven’t really experienced. Last year when we were going through the first steps of trying, which did include two rounds of Clomid and an IUI. All of it ended in a negative pregnancy test and really took an emotional toll on me. That’s when we both realized we needed a break. Our marriage was still new, and still is, and we wanted to take time to make sure we were both okay sitting down with Dr. K. and seeing what our options are. So IVF here we come! For now we’ll keep dates and things private but once we are ready to share what’s next I’ll let you all know! For now we are in the midst of going through Lupron so you can imagine the kind of “fun” that is right now. Thankfully warmer weather is coming it’s way and cooler treats will keep me from overheating.

The other aspect of this post is to talk about the Little Words Project ( LWP) with you and why I choose to be so brazen and send them an email asking if they’d be willing to help me reach out and create something I had in mind. When the email was sent it took less than 24 hours for me to receive a response. They said yes! I just had to pick the word and what color band it would be going on. Then I told them the charity and they were nothing short polite, sweet and generous, especially to someone I don’t know. I chose the word Strength for several reasons. If you look in the dictionary, you’ll strength as defined like this :

  1. the quality or state of being strong capacity for exertion or endurance

  2. power to resist force solidity, toughness

  3. power of resisting attack impregnability

These qualities really embody what it means to have strength. We all are strong in many ways we don’t know yet or may still be trying to figure it all out. Here’s the backstory on the bracelet that only lasts the next 2 days. This bracelet will close Friday because Little Words Project didn’t have to do this for us and they put together beautiful one. I wanted a word that could resonate with everyone because there are so many trying moments throughout our lives that I felt Strength was the perfect word. The bracelet I chose has special significance for myself. It is on a beaded gold bracelet. Gold represents the color of Endometriosis. So I wanted to tie in my specific infertility with each bracelet you all would be purchasing. BONUS! Little Words Project will be donating 25% of the proceeds towards Resolve. You guys this is amazing and I can’t wait to see how much we were able to give. If you are thinking of me or anyone else struggling with infertility please fee free to purchase a bracelet (link down below). I’d like to sell 20 by Friday night at 11:59pm. I hope you are willing to look at the page, even if you don’t plan on getting something now, there be a bracelet that speaks to you! The \\\O please go consider buy online and donatating to Resolve, The National Infertility Assocation. Their main goel so to prevent negative situations abouto womeh. They ant everyone to fall in line with tht they bup is ogtrrhttps://littlewordsproject.com/collections/give-back/products/infertility-awareness-strength-beaded-gold

Until Next Time

xoxox

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overwhelmed and anxious

I feel like me trying to express to you all that I’m overwhelmed is an understatement. Right now for instance I’m having a hot flash courtesy of the Lupron shots. And just so we are ALL aware for the 500th time hot flashes such and I really am sorry to the universe for making fun of my mom when she became menopausal. The hot flashes are seriously insane. When I thought of a hot flash I just thought that I’d get this warm sensation all throughout my body but no. It’s a full fledged fight against body and my mind because they know I’m not supposed to have these things happening. So how does my body react? Sweating…redness in the cheek and neck area, feeling like a burning or fire is trying to escape me, and the overall exhaustion it causes. This is a different place to be because while I’ve been here before because I just did a three month does of Lupron in July and I was lucky enough to go through hot flashes when the temperatures were going down. And I can attest to hating the summer like weather because for me it’s like summer times ten. The feeling endometriosis and the side effects bring to me are very overwhelming. So overwhelming I said to Russell ” Sometimes I feel like I can’t do this anything because of the pain I’m in”. What’s he supposed to say? He rubs my back and helps me stretch but in the end surgery gets rid of scar tissue and all the bad stuff…not permanently but for a period of time I can function normally. However, with my situations and circumstances it’s hard to know that every single day I’ll feel this pain until I have a full hysterectomy. Then comes the anxiety of wondering if July will really be it? Will we be able to pull off the financial responsibility this brings? Will this have to get pushed back another round or two of Lupron? Can I handle any more of it because right now I’m about to say eff this I’m done….but I can’t. If I want any chance at having a family it’s IVF or nothing. No more surgeries because I want one (for good reason.. we’ll get to that in a second).But f I were to have a surgery tomorrow and one slip, one wrong move, on cut that’s a little too far right or left and my endometrioma could rupture. This would leave me with 0 egg reserve and no chance for a child. So that’s not an option. So we are now down to our last hope. Trying to have a miracle baby, which I want more than you know. When Dr. K said I have depression it makes sense to me. This emotionally draining and heartbreaking things I’m going through feels like I’m going at it along because those who I’m close with don’t understand what it’s like to get ready for an IVF cycle. I’m scared shitless an we haven’t even started. I’m scared that I’ll be too simple or too over the top with my children. I feel like I’ll also be a helicopter mom. I even look up cute nicknames for my parents. My fave for mom is ‘Lita, short for abuelita and and I just think that fits her flare and sassiness. My dad is Papi (sounding it is paw-pi). Those are perfect for them lol But it’s those little things that I feel like no one should worry about but I do. I obviously cry a lot easier than normal because of infertility and sometimes I just want someone to text me and ask me how I’m doing…genuinely of course….but to just ask would mean the world to me. But most days I just want to curl up in a ball and just cry because for me to be in this place is somewhat embarrassing. It’s also hard to talk about and don’t even get me started on Mother’s Day. Blog to follow on that and all my feelings. Anyway, it’s just hard right now. Like so hard that endo can stop at any point or find something that would numb the pain. Until then I’ll be chatting in up about Mother’s Day in my next blog!

 

xooxox

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I See You, Do You See Me?

We aren’t going to delve deep into my brain today. I did have another blog prepared for today but decided I’d show you all a different side to me. I write poetry. Not for anyone to read but just for me. I’ve been writing since I was little. Whenever I would get frustrated or happy or sad I would write. I always had a journal and still do as an adult because I find it be very calming writing everything out before bed because then my brain isn’t going a mile a minute. I chose to share this piece with you because it’s special to and the first poem I’ve written in a while.  Writing is helping me get through this time and I think writing is going to help me with my anxiety and depression too.  That’s all for today’s post…. I hope you enjoy my poem

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

I See You, Do You See Me?

 

I see you over there

Running on the playground

Squealing on the swings with excitement

And hearing your innocent laughter

 

I see the way you look at her

It speaks of admiration, love and happiness

I see the two of you embrace

And I try to hold back my tears

 

But do you see me?

Not just my physical body

But the story my eyes tell

 

Can you feel somethings wrong?

Or wonder if the panicked look

Is me looking for someone?

 

The truth is I AM looking for someone

They just haven’t been made yet

 

I glance to see you two

Hand in hand heading home

Wishing to know what that loving touch feels like

Your small hand in the palm of mine as we walk back home

 

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Guess What?? Read the Blog to Find Out!!

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” – Former First Lady Laura Bush

First I wanted to take a moment and thank those of you who have followed along with me on this journey and have given me positive words of encouragement. It truly has been eye opening in so many ways. I especially want to thank my parents for their guidance and their unwavering support during this time. I have never needed them as much as I do now and I’m so grateful to have the best parents in the world.

Now for some blog/talk time. I went with a different format this week by having quotes relating to how infertility can really affect someone’s life. This one I’ve seen a few times and each time I read it I got goosebumps. Her words are the words I’ve been looking for to describe what this feeling is like. When she says “Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” I’m going to attempt to try to allow you to understand what that feeling is like. I was driving home from Columbus and got into a serious car accident. Air bags exploded. I hit the guard rail and I was so shaken that for a moment I forgot where I was. Then as if in slow motion, four people came running over to make sure I was okay. I feel the adrenaline coursing through my body because I just realized I came out of something that only your loved ones looking over you could survive. (To this day I think it was my Grandma Vicki who saved my life). But then I start to come down from the adrenaline and realize how serious this is and start to cry. The what if’s start going in my head a mile a minute and second guessing where it all went wrong. Getting a concussion is no joke and I had one after that accident. Going through a serious car accident is how I can describe what it feels like to possibly never hold my baby in my arms. Even today I started crying (at work) because my friend Yen and I were talking about how things are going. Then I got so emotional because I said to her I can’t picture my life without my child in it. I said I’m not asking for 5 or 6 kids like I used to…just one that’s it. One healthy beautiful baby and I love him/her with every fiber of my being. The point of this blog is to flip the script and educate you just a little bit more on the affects infertility has in a couple.

Infertility for Beginners:

*Definition of Infertility (N): not being able to get pregnant after one year of trying (or six months if a woman is 35 or older). Women who can get pregnant but are unable to stay pregnant may also be infertile.

*Yes. About 10 percent of women (6.1 million) in the United States ages 15-44 have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

*Infertility in men is most often caused by:

  • A problem called varicocele (VAIR-ih-koh-seel). This happens when the veins on a man’s testicle(s) are too large. This heats the testicles. The heat can affect the number or shape of the sperm.
  • Other factors that cause a man to make too few sperm or none at all.
  • Movement of the sperm. This may be caused by the shape of the sperm. Sometimes injuries or other damage to the reproductive system block the sperm.

Sometimes a man is born with the problems that affect his sperm. Other times problems start later in life due to illness or injury. For example, cystic fibrosis often causes infertility in men.

*Some health problems also increase the risk of infertility. So, women should talk to their doctors if they have:

  • Irregular periods or no menstrual periods
  • Very painful periods
  • Endometriosis
  • Pelvic inflammatory disease
  • More than one miscarriage

These are some of the more in depth answers to what infertility is.  We all know 1 in 8 women are going to go through infertility or 10 percent. For men the statistic is 10-15%. There are so many more factors that we forget about when it comes to infertility.

Today is the “last” day that we will celebrating National Infertility Awareness Week. So I thought why not let you in a pretty awesome opportunity I’ve received. I am involved in several organizations dedicated to bringing more awareness to those struggling with infertility. I was invited to go to Washington D.C to speak on Capitol Hill to Senators and Representatives in each state about how we need better health care for those suffering from infertility. The event is happening May 23rd! We need to find a better way for people to build their families, and I’m saying ALL families. I don’t think it should matter if a child has two moms, two dads, or live at their home where there parents are gender fluid and identify as pansexual. All I care about is trying to help that family feel the love each parent feels when their child doesn’t feel well and they need those extra snuggles that are now few and far between. All we want is to feel that unconditional love from a human being that we made together. To call ourselves a family and try to think of what life was like before your little miracle was born.

Please say a prayer for Russell and I as we are in the midst of the beginning stages of IVF. We are anxious (let me rephrase that…I’m anxious), I’ve cried more times than I can count, thanks depression, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes for this little babe to get here.

That is all I have for you tonight but please #flipthescript and go to Resolve.Org and check them out! They have wonderful information about how YOU can get involved TODAY because one day we are going to find a cure and we want you to be apart of that!

Until Next Time

xoxo

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It’s okay to not be okay

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear” C.S. Lewis

 

I don’t even know how to describe today because it felt like an eternity. Being on any type of fertility medication means having a check up with your doctor and the staff to make sure your body is handling everything well. My back has been in a lot of pain lately and we know it’s not from the Lupron but from the adhesions and endometrioma. The adhesions are not just located on my fallopian tube but they are scattered throughout my ovary and surrounding organs. The endometrioma has gone down a bit on its own but it’s still holding strong at 5cm. Just in case you don’t remember, an endometrioma is a blood filled cyst that can rupture at any time. It can not be removed because it would take every follicle I have meaning I wouldn’t be able to produce eggs. So for now it stays and we hope it slowly goes away on its own.

Dr. Karnitis didn’t have a lot of time, I was thankful because usually our meetings are between and hour and a half and two hours, so my brain is fried when we leave. We talked about the usual, including scheduling my next Lupron shot. But here’s where things took a turn. During our conversation he said my AMH was still extremely low, so low that its virtually non-existent. I also have an issue with getting my thyroid under control but we’re working on that now. I asked him if a laparascopy would be a good idea just so we know how much scar tissue we’re dealing with since my pain is so high. He said if I have one more surgery I will never be able to have children of my own because one small move the wrong way and my ovary would be damanged without repair. He said he’s already worried because we have no idea how many eggs my body will be able to produce with the one side. And again I’m able to carry a child it’s just getting to that point. I think I started to blank after he voiced a laundry list of his concerns and sharing more details about my diagnosis. There are three things I remember. The first he said I have anxiety related to infertility. The second I have depression related to the infertility. And the third is that I look so healthy on the outside and I’m young but for some reason my reproductive system is on a different time track. My system looks like that of a woman in her forties. Women in their forties have a harder time getting pregnant because their biological clock has run it’s course. So for me being only twenty-eight my body is basically saying it’s ready to stop having children and we haven’t even begun. I almost lost it in his office, in the elevator, in the car on the way home, but I didn’t. I kept it together long enough to get home. But then I had to tell Russell. And that’s when I broke. At first I was trying to explain what all had happened that afternoon at my appointment and I couldn’t seem to find the words. I was speaking so softly and then all of a sudden the flood gates opened. I was sobbing. I had to tell my husband that by the time I’m thirty, maybe thirty-one if we can somehow push it out, I’ll have a hysterectomy. I’ll be twenty-nine in August so we have a little over twelve months to try to get pregnant. I have never felt more pressure than I do right now. I have never been more stressed than I am right now. And I have also never been so sad before either. I feel like I’m a walking zombie. In the moment of having to tell my husband that my case is one of the worst Dr. Karnitis has ever seen was devastating. Then through the tears and gasps I had to tell him I have anxiety and depression. Leaning on his shoulder (literally) while he rubbed my back and told me no matter what our lives will be happy and filled with love brought more tears to my eyes. This man is so understanding. He has never once shown one bit of anger or resentment towards me or our situation. He said as long as we have each other and our girls we are a family. To hear him say this was incredible. Do I wonder about my happiness if something goes wrong? Yes. Do I lose sleep over our infertility? Yes. Do we have a back up plan? Yes. But one day I want to lose sleep over a baby nursing every two hours in the middle of the night. I want to not shower for days at a time because I’m too busy taking care a tiny human and three dogs. I want to look back at pictures of me now and tell myself I shouldn’t have called myself fat. I want to remember what it felt like to have a nap or time to do extra curricular activities. But for now those things are a figment of my imagination. For now I can only dream of those things.

Until Next Time

xoxo

p.s. Don’t forget to #flipthescript and bring awareness to national infertility awareness week!

 

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National Infertility Awareness Week

#FliptheScript

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” – Mother Teresa

This week April 22-28 is National Infertility Awareness Week. This post is dedicated to ALL the women and men going through infertility. My last blog I decided to do a get to know me/us and what better way to start NIAW?

 

This year it’s all about flip the script. This year Resolve wants to get more stories out there about how infertility has affected people. They also want to let people know infertility is much more common than you think. So here a few fast facts about me!

Name: Angelica

Age: 28

Age Diagnosed: 26

Husband’s Name: Russell

# of Surgeries: 4 ( all laparascopy and 1 left salingo-oopherectomy)

Treatment center: Kettering Reproductive Medicine

Insurance Coverage: Yes but not for infertility purposes

# of children: 0 but do my dogs count??

Dogs: 3- Lena (Husky) Bailey (Lab-Poodle- Australian Shepherd) Sawyer (German Shepherd)

Goals: To become a mother and own a business

Favorite place: Honolulu-duh!

Favorite food: Tacos and guac

# of siblings- 6 (4 sisters and 2 brothers)

Most annoying infertility related question: What about a surrogate?

Most hurtful thing to say relating to infertility: God has a plan for you/ Just stop trying then it’ll happen/ There’s always adoption

That’s all I can think of right now but I’m sure there’s more that I’m not getting to. The last one is one that I’ve been holding back on. I try hard to understand others points of view when talking about infertility, especially when they aren’t going through it. I understand we are all meant to go down a path in life and that’s going to make us better. But do you think I want to hear God has a plan for you when he didn’t even have to have sex with Mary in order for Jesus to be born? Probably not. The second one, well that’s just annoying and there’s no other way to put it. Yes, when you put a time frame on trying it’s stressful but it’s just not that easy for us. And then there’s the infamous there’s always adoption quote. Yes, I realize there are plenty of children in this world who need a loving and wonderful home to live in, but is it too much to ask to have one child of my own? To feel the kicking and little hiccups inside your belly? I don’t think so. I also don’t think it’s too much to ask to have health insurance coverage so my family and I don’t have to pay well over 10k just for me to try to get pregnant.

Infertility has changed my every day. I was thinking about it today and I am literally dreading Mother’s Day. The last few years have just been really hard. I get very emotional and anxiety ridden in the weeks leading up to it. I have my mom and I’m so grateful for her and knowing that there’s a day I can shower her with love is a great feeling. It’s just that there may always be something missing. I can’t say what the future holds. I can only share how infertility has affected me. I don’t have many friends any more because I choose to only surround myself with people who truly want the best for me. Infertility has changed the way I look at life. It’s so much more precious now than ever. It’s also made me appreciate my relationship with Russell even more because he’s willing to sacrifice having children just to be married to me. That speaks volumes and is one of the millions of reason I love him. Our journey isn’t done yet and I know we are making progress, it’s just a lot slower than I wanted or anticipated.

During this week don’t mind as I bombard all my news feeds with articles, quotes, and other infertility related material! And don’t forget to #flipthescript and start asking about infertility and how it affects the ones you love.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

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Happiness

I feel like a lifetime has passed since the last time I wrote on the 6th. So much has gone on, yet so much hasn’t. Currently, I am still on Lupron. My back hurts every. single. day. Something that is concerning enough for me to have a visit with Dr. Karnitis on Monday. I’m sure we’ll talk about whats going on and how I’m feeling. At this point I am going to choose to move forward with getting the last two doses of Lupron because I feel it is better to have hot flashes and no sleep, than a cycle that literally reaks havoc on my body for days. I’m sure some of you want to know about our IVF journey and where that is taking us. One grant we applied to we were not selected. I was a little bummed but so many have applied so I understood we were likely not going to get selected. We also have one other application out and being reviewed by a board. We will not hear anything from them until mid June. There is one last grant that we actively applying for that is in our area. This one is a little special than the other ones. I’ve taken the reigns on all of the grants. Making sure the medical information is right and getting all the details down. I even wrote our bio for that grant. But this time Russell said he wanted to have more to do with the process and I was very happy to hear that. (Please don’t take that negatively because he’s been amazing throughout this process. He has a lot going on so to hear him say that was a genuine shock to me). For our grant that is local I am happy to say that Russell will be writing our biography. When it’s available I’ll probably share bits and pieces of it. This part is hard because we are now playing a waiting game with the other grant. Sound familiar? It’s like the dreaded TWW but waiting months. I’m impatiently waiting and stalking my email for any updates.

Russell and I actually had a conversation tonight that helped put some of my fears at ease. IVF is not guaranteed to work. You go into IVF blind, no knowing how many embryos you will get, how many will last, how many will stick and make it through a pregnancy. IVF is a numbers game and the numbers have to be on your side to work. This topic came up because we haven’t been as involved in our younger nieces and nephews lives lately. He said he doesn’t want people to think we aren’t around just because there is a baby there or I overhear conversations only mothers can relate to. I was honest and so open with him and said yes that’s part of the reason I dread going to places with family or anyone with small children. They are celebrating milestones that are amazing but deep inside I’m feeling guilty, sad, anger, and frustration because I never thought I’d have endometriosis. I never thought I’d have this disease that blocks me from having children. I want to be apart of those conversations. I want to know what it’s like to be so tired but so happy you get to watch this little human grow up right before your eyes. After I told him, without crying might I add (that’s a HUGE win for me!) he said our lives will go on together and we will find a new dream to create. Our ideal dream would be to leave everything behind but the girls and go to live in Hawaii.

My main concern always will be and always has been happiness. Will I be happy if I find out I’ll never be able to bear children. I’m not religious so I don’t pray. I don’t necessarily believe in God, but I do believe in a higher power in the Universe I just don’t know who or what that is. I think I’m on a path I’m meant to be on. I think I’m going down this path for a reason. But I wish I knew if this path would definitively lead me to motherhood because it’s all I’ve ever wanted.

If you have any questions please feel free to comment down below! I see we’ve added a few followers so my next blog will be a little get to know me!

Until Next Time

xoxox

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Another Day Another Grant

Today’s blog is all about grants. We’ve talked about this before but I wanted to thank every person who has given me suggestions on which grants to apply for and those who have been so encouraging throughout this journey.

Today I receive my first of three Lupron shots; so bring on the hot flashes, crying at the drop of a hat (oh wait I do that anyway), sleepless nights and a little extra concealer. I have to do one shot a month for three months because there was a mix up at my doctor’s office. So every four weeks I’ll be seeing them but that’s good so I can talk with the nurses and staff on a more regular basis and have our treatment plan worked out. This means we are around 12 weeks away from beginning IVF. Now that’s not completely set in stone and can change but my hope is that we aren’t too far out from our original starting point which would have been next month. Let me tell you having to let go of control throughout this process has been frustrating and hard. Not just because I’m a type A personality but because once I have a date in my mind for doing something I make it happen but in the world of IVF things don’t always go according to plan.

This week I’m working on a grant and I wouldn’t be working on it without the information from my friend Charlene! She tagged me in a post that is open to all couples or single people wanting to have children. I never would have known about this if it weren’t for her. I am so thankful to have friends who are keeping their eyes out for grants for me to apply for. Without that support this journey would be very hard. It’s hard enough having to go through it all but having friends like Char are so wonderful. Many of you know Char and I are not only friends but sister queens. She was my Ambassador Queen during my reign as Miss Captivating. I created such special friendships with all the girls, especially Char. She is like a little sister to me and I am very happy we have been able to maintain our friendship years after passing on our titles.

If you know of any grants that are awarded to couples seeking IVF treatment let me know! We are open to all ideas of fundraising to keep the out of pocket costs at a minimum! Thank you so much and I’ll talk to you soon!

Until Next Time

xoxo

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Desperate Times Call for Faith, Hope and Trust

Have you heard of Abraham and Sarah? Did you know they were the first couple documented in history to have fertility problems? I have been doing a lot of research on their story because I want to understand how they were able to have their miracle baby Isaac. Sarah was promised by God that she would give birth, but he never told her how long it would take her. Their journey would take them through years of heartache and trying to hold onto as much faith as they could. During their marriage Sarah realized she may not be able to ever bear a child and wanted her husband to have an heir, so she told their slave Hagar to sleep with Abraham. Hagar had Ishmael and things didn’t get any better. The relationship between Hagar and Sarah became so strained Hagar ran away. During this time Sarah lost all trust in God, she lost her faith, disbelief, doubt and fear all crept in during this time. But the amazing thing is, God waited for her to come back to Him. She was ready to try again. The following year Sarah returned to God and restored her faith, she bore a son named Isaac. Abraham was 99 and Sarah was 90 when she gave birth and the heir to their family.

I take so much away from this story. Even though I’m not entirely religious, I still believe there are many lessons to be learned in this story. Faith is everything. As long as you have faith anything is possible. Talk to yourself negatively is going to diminish your faith. Perseverance is another lesson I take away from this story. Sarah is strong and she persevered through some of the toughest moments any person would have to go through. And finally, trust. Trust is an important factor in this story because without trust she would not have been able to stick with God’s word. He said they were going to bear a child and he would become their heir. They didn’t know when but God knew their plan.

When you are in the middle of struggling with infertility I can tell you first hand it is very easy to lose faith in everything. It is hard to have patience because you see a woman leaving the office with a huge smile on her face because she’s a little farther in her journey that I am.  Jealousy takes over because you wonder women and men take parenting for granted. I just don’t think they’ll ever be able to comprehend why women are so desperate to have a child. When I’m having a bad day, or can’t a hold of anyone I think back to their story. I think about how Russell is older than I am just like Abraham is older than Sarah. I think about how they have waited for the right person to have a child. I think of the sacrifices Sarah was willing to make in order to please her husband. I also think about Sarah’s unwavering faith in God. During a time like this it is so hard to not have faith. It’s hard to think that you were forgotten and your path isn’t clear because He doesn’t know what to do with it. However, I remember Sarah was 90. I hope I’m not that old when I have children because that’s just a bit too old for me. But I also realize I used to have dreams of becoming a young mother. Not like teenage young but just early twenties young. I wanted a large family, 5 maybe 6 kids. Plus the dogs running around. I wanted that picture perfect family. I know one day I’ll be blessed with a baby(ies) and I can’t wait for that day to come. Instead, my brain won’t shut off at 3am and here I am pouring my heart out again. The one thing I do know is we are in this season of life for a reason. We are going to get through this because we have each other.

I am still asking everyone to keep their fingers crossed for our grant! I’m not sure when they’ll notify the candidates but I sure hope we are chosen!

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

 

Website I was able to locate information about Sarah and Abraham’s infertility story: http://in-due-time.com/faith/sarahs-infertility/