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Things Not to Say to an Infertile Person Part 2

Today’s not been too hateful. I was able to announce that I’ve become a Contributing Writer for DoYouEndo.com .It’s a great female empowered website and I love that they are bringing me on to write full time. I mean my minimum is one article a week but we all know I’ll find something to write about. Like right now I have 4 pending article because I want to show the CEO of the company that I am serious and I will work butt off! But there was one thing I wanted to touch on real quick. Remember a few weeks I when I wrote an article about what to say and what not to say to someone. Well we are going to expound upon that. I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings by writing this but it has to be said for own sanity.

There was a couple I didn’t expect to have a conversation with but I did anyway. They were asking how long I’d been married and when I would start have kids. Clearly, I made this comment before, you NEVER ask a woman when she will begin a family because you don’t know a person’s situation. I tried my best to hold it together but they kept bugging me so I snipped back them and told them I was having fertility issues. They left quickly and left what I like to call a pity tip.

The other thing that been bothering me lately is telling me not to blame myself. Like how people have been in my shoes and genuinely feel what I go through every day? Not that many. It’s frustrating because it’s not Russell’s fault. His swimmers are fantastic, I mean they over perform like no body’s business. (That helps us both because we know he’s good to go!) I blame myself for so many reasons. It’s humiliating as a women and a wife not to be able to conceive a child.  I feel like this was something I should have known about or at least heard about. I blame myself for more reasons that any can every be able to comprehend and I wish people would stop saying that me. If I need to sit in my anger, frustration or sadness just let me; it all helps in the long run.  I just can’t handle that. Let me find peace within my self and with the universe and feel balanced then I know I’ve let things go.

Just two rules to add to my other 7 or 8.

Until Next Time

xoxo

Angelica

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abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Infertility is Hard

I have no idea what to write yet my head is spinning around in circles with all my worries, concerns, and anxiety. I feel like I’m in slow motion and when I get caught up to real-time speed I’ll be hit with so much that I’ll crumble. Endometriosis has taken hold of my life in ways I never thought possible. (list below)

  1. Stress— I never knew a person could be this stressed. At all times I have thoughts of what I need to get done before our fundraiser and IVF..it’s pretty freaking stressful.
  2. Anxious–I also never knew how anxiety affected a person until I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe half the time. It’s so overwhelming that I have no other way of describing the level anxiety I have.
  3. Emotions–my emotions have been all over the map the last 5 months. I think things are different this time around with Lupron because this is the longest I’ve ever been on it. I’m not the same person I was when I wasn’t on it. It’s like Lupron took my personality in an extended time out. I’d like to get her back now.
  4. Marriage–Technically I’m a newlywed still but we have our ups and downs because of endometriosis. More specifically, I blame myself for everything that’s going on. Russell is such a wonderful husband and he deserves the world. I try to make him happy but the one thing that would truly and I mean truly make him happy is a baby; and I can’t do that without a little science. Sometimes I wonder what his life would be like if we hadn’t continued to date and found someone who was healthy. Would he be happy, happier?? I’ll never know. I feel bad about the amount of meltdowns I have during the week (because there’s always 2 or 3) because that’s just adding more to his already full plate.
  5. Sleep– I miss sleeping. Going into forced menopause has been awful. I am hot all the time and I don’t sleep at night because I wake up soaked in sweat. I will say this I do tend to nap a little during the day but it’s not long enough for me to feel refreshed. I always feel fatigued because I’m not sleeping so I’m basically walking zombie. There are times I’m so tired, don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep and I’ll wake up having a conversation with Russell and he literally has no idea what I’m talking about. That’s no fun.

 

There’s a snippet into what my mind goes through every day. What I go through. If you are on Instagram you saw the pictured where I looked defeated. That picture was taken last Sunday, the day I had three meltdowns. In that picture you see me sad, tears had just rolled off my swollen looking face, and the dark circles under my eyes from crying so much. I allow myself to sit in my feelings for a little while (24 hours) but after that I have to keep going. Endometriosis and Infertility really push you to your limits, like almost off the cliff. But each day I wake up I try to make the best of it. If there’s anything you take away from this blog today it’s that it’s okay to not be okay, fight like hell to make your dreams come true and never be afraid to ask for a hug when you need one.

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFN, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, courage, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miracle, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, science, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, technology, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Mind Over Matter

Today was rough, like really rough. Sundays are days that I can recharge ,de-stress  and get ready for the week ahead. Well not today. The universe had other plans for us today. Before we get into the horrible day I had I just want to say Sephora and Ulta are going t make me broke! After this weekend being busy I thought I deserved a little something for my hard work. I had no idea it was national lipstick day. The sales lady says all Anastasia Beverly Hill products are Buy One Get One Free and girl, we all know I’m all about lip products. So I ended up getting a Metallic Rose lip gloss and a Liquid Lipstick in the shade Dusty Rose. They are so perfect because anytime I see a Mauve lip color with cool pink or brown undertones sounds amazing to me! Then I also got the Fresh Beauty Lip Balm in the Caramel scent. It is amazing so far and I can’t wait to wear it around. Since we are almost to my birthday they let me pick beauty’s lip products or a mini glam glow face mask and moisturizer. Of course I went with glam glow! Then for having to wait a few extra minutes got me another free face mask! Sephora and Ulta are my happy places and I’ve got to slow down. But it’s my birthday month starting Wednesday s owe will celebrate all month-long!! Can’t wait to try the new mask because I used my Farmacy Mask tonight.

Now onto the not so good news. Russell and I have been planning and IVF fundraiser. We had the date set and I sent invitations to all my co-workers only for Russell to get a phone call to say another bar is having a golf tournament and they paid a lot of money and said they wouldn’t be there. I’m not gonna lie (because who has time for lies??) the second he said there was another even that day I say cancel it. God love Roanne because she is hosting the evening for us and she calmed me down and Russell calmed me down and all is right in the world. He said he wants to do it right (I expect nothing less from Russell considering he is a perfectionist)and this gives us more time to get everything accomplished on my goal list. I’m crying really hard and telling him I’m not mad that there is  golf tournament I’m mad because everything is falling apart very quickly. Russell thew out some dates what I literally told him I can’t do this anymore. And  by that I mean continue on with Lupron for another few moths. The side effects seem to be getting worse, the depression is awful and quite frankly I’m not the same person I was two years ago and he can tell. Russell is doing everything he can to make me comfortable but he feels so helpless. Then we are getting ready to watch a show before bed and my back is hurting. I told him it hasn’t felt like this in a while. Then I started crying because I couldn’t take the pain. Right after he rubbed my back and put some topical numbing creme on it I cried again! I’m just crying and apologizing because this is NOT how I pictured our first few years married, but no one with fertility issues does. Russell is always great to get advice from because he’s always been one to take what you’re saying, analyze ie and then come up with the best advice. He told me everything is mind over matter. When my body feels awful and I just want to lay on the couch I should stretch. The little nuggest of advice I’ve receive over the last 10 years has been great. I’m so glad to have him as my listener, my sounding board and my husband. He has gone through this with me side by side and I couldn’t do this without him. I have so much respect for him because I don’t know how he does it. On that note I’ll leave this here. And if you haven’t visited our go fund me what are you waiting for??

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

https://www.gofundme.com/angelicamyoung

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, BFP, black, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, miscariage, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Heartbreak, Strength and Hope

This blog post has been weighing on me because I feel like this space is one where we can talk about all things endo, including IVF. Today I want to talk and share the story of one of my friends, Carissa. Going through this journey I’ve gained some friends who understand what I’m going through and being able to vent and just be able to relate to them. I met Carissa on Instagram (and we haven’t ever met in person) and we immediately started DM’ing each other about our stories and how great our husbands are. We also share a love for dogs. She has a YouTube channel and her IG is pretty awesome, inspirational, and uplifting.

Carissa is one of, if not the most God fearing woman, I’ve ever known. She has infertility issues, including stage one endometriosis. I also want to take a second to let you all know that it does not matter what stage endo you have, it can ruin your reproductive system. Anyway, Carissa laughs A LOT and I love that. But she is also very real and she does cry in front of the camera and tell her followers and supporters what is going on. Last year Carissa and her husband Brian were able to get pregnant through IUI. However, they lost their baby early on in the pregnancy and it crushed her. She is still dealing with this loss because you can’t ever know what it’s like to have fertility problems, get pregnant and lost your child. In her own words, every day is a battle. Carissa and Brian just had their IVF cycle done in New York. She has 17 eggs which is a lot; 10 were mature which means they could make it to become embryos; 1 fertilized; and 0 embryos were created. My heart shattered for her. She is now waiting three months before starting again.

This is the hard part. Telling you all how much IVF is not a guarantee. You aren’t paying for a 100% chance to get pregnant. You are hoping that the embryos you implant will stick. You’re hoping that during the weeks following the little pink lines will become more and more clear. Getting ready to start this journey myself I am telling myself we are going to get pregnant and I speak it into the universe because I believe what you put out you get back. I try my best every day to lean on those around me when I need help. I am so glad I have Carissa as a friend because she has taught me the meaning of patience, hope and strength. She is the definition of a warrior. Even though she’s been knocked down she’s going to get back up and try again. I think women who are going through infertility realize that we have no choice but to keep going. We fight. We have more hope than you imagine. And we love the people who love and support us throughout our journey. Below is one of the videos that Carissa posted to her YouTube channel and I immediately connected with it. Check it out and follow her on IG :carissabarzee.

Until Next Time

xoxo

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertile, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Boundaries

Oh my goodness look a blog two days in a row! I wanted to talk about boundaries in and around infertility. I think for some people they just want to help and the first thing they want to say is just get drunk and do or relax more or have you thought about adoption?The adoption question, for me, is insulting because we haven’t gotten to the stages of IVF and we’re taking this one step at a time. Not to mention we don’t plan on adopting and I think it’s a very insensitive thing to say. The other insensitive thing to do is give unwarranted sex advice. For anyone going through infertility you already know what I mean. You have to keep a schedule and go with timed intercourse whether you’re  in the mood or not. And then we ladies have to lay with our legs in the air making sure every little sperm can swim to meet his little mate. (No joke, I’ve done that probably half a dozen times and its embarrassing!!!) When you are going through infertility there is no “fun” or glamour. It’s hey it’s Tuesday night at 9 pm if we don’t do this now we are going to lose a good egg. And I just remembered my dad is going to read this and that’s hilarious and mortifying all at the same time!

Another boundary we (those with infertility) will do is set boundaries with friends and family. For me the one boundary I have set is not going to any baby’s showers. It took going to my sisters’ baby shower that I had a panic attack there and then I was a mess for the rest of the evening. This was last fall so it’s been  a wonderful year of what baby Gabe grow and I am so lucky to be Aunt Geni (sounds like Jeanie). If you’re wondering where that came from my niece B was trying to say my name and she said Geni and I knew that was what they all would call me because my name is so hard to say. I’m gonna get a shirt that says Aunt Geni on it. lol I’m that person. Any back to my boundaries. I won’t go to baby showers because they are way too overwhelming. I Just feel like for my own mental well-being it is best if I just stay away. I have no problem sending a gift but having to listen to all the other women share their birthing stories or find common ground on how tired they are, what milestone their child is coming up on, etc. I can’t handle that because I come home a crying mess, apologizing because I can’t conceive naturally. He always tells me our destiny is leading us to something better than we could have ever imagined so we’ll about that one!

The last two years have been the most challenging of my life. Right now I am thinking back to when this all started and I never thought I’d be this old having children. I wanted to be my mothers age, 26 or younger when wanted to start a family. But I’ll be closer to my dad’s age when I give birth next year. And yes I said next year because IVF is going down soon! I had my second to last Lupron shot today and I couldn’t be happier. This means we are T-8 weeks of hot flashes and I’ll be done! Six months of Depo Lupron is enough to make someone lost their mind. Please keep praying and fighting for us because it’s only just the beginning.

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

 

 

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, BFP, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, FET, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, strong, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, TTC Community, TTC Sisters, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, warrior, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

How to Live Through a Chronic Illness

When I was diagnosed with endometriosis I thought I was going to have the same life I’d always had. But the further I got into the surgeries and the pain started to become more intense I had to a find a way to live through this. I had to stop working out because it was having an awful effect on how I felt for a few days after. This in particular has been the biggest challenge for me to overcome. For the last two years I have not been able to work out. I will do yoga but all the deep stretches cause a lot of tension and discomfort. Another new way of life for me is not going out with friends anymore. I have had to really take this time to focus on my health and unfortunately I’ve cut some people out of my life but for right now I’m doing what’s best for me. I also have noticed that I’m a lot more tired all the time. I could be writing something down like our grocery list, for example, and nod off. I am chronically fatigued from this because my scar tissue is affecting my other organs. My mindset has changed too. I find myself being the glass half empty kind of person now that  I have this chronic illness. Lastly, I’ve had to ask for help more. The days of deep cleaning my house all at one are gone. I have to do things in phases. Going to the grocery store has been a real bitch because I have pick up some pretty heavy items, like water, and then load into the car, unload it at home and put it away. After doing something so simple as grocery shopping I have to let me body rest. I also cancel plans with friends a lot more than I used to because I never know how I’ll feel in the morning or afternoon. But I do have a few friends who get me and understand truly where I’m coming from. I love them so much.

I have also realized through this journey how strong I can be. Going through several IUI’s and going through the TWW was dreadful but we got though it. I mean the tests were negative both times and I was angry, sad, frustrated, dumbfounded, you name it and I probably felt it. I’m very grateful to Russell too because without his constant help when I’m not feeling well is immeasurable.

Until Next Time

xoxox

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

The Sourest Lemons Life Has to Offer

I feel sad. It’s a feeling I think I always have but I know when I can turn it on and off. For example, when I go to work it’s all about being happy to make sure my guests are taken care. I can flip that switch 99% of the time but sometimes I can’t. I’m human. Me feeling sad has to do with a multitude of things; infertility, money, stress, anxiety, myself, etc. I’m sad about our infertility struggles because there are more and more people who are getting pregnant. I’ve totally okay with it all but I really want to one day be at peace with her. Infertility has taken over my life in ways I never thought possible. I mean, I feel like I know a new language just from the words used in the infertility world. I’m sad infertility has changed me as person because if I’m begin honest, I’m not the same person I was two years ago when our journey began. I used to believe pregnancy would be easy for me and that I would have the best pregnancies but come to find out we can’t even get to the part of getting pregnant without science being involved. I’ve actually had two dreams of being pregnant and in each dream it is so easy and lovely. I’m just waiting for that dream to become a reality. I’m sad because we don’t have the money up front to pay for IVF. **warning shameless plug ahead** I had every intention of finding a way to pay for IVF without help but that has gone by the wayside. When they say it takes a village to raise a child, they should also say it takes a village to pay for IVF to take care of the child. And if you haven’t please go visit our GoFundMe page linked at the end of the blog and if you are able to donate anything we would be forever grateful!! Lastly, I’m sad because my anxiety has me stressed because we aren’t on the time schedule I envisioned. For those that know me know that I’m big on planning and when you tell me something’s not going to happen the way I had it planned I become very stressed, My anxiety is through the room and my depression has made a few unplanned appearances. As you can see infertility brings more challenges than not being able to conceive.

I’ve been listening to a lot of different blogs lately and I’m trying to understand how each woman’s journey is different. I was sent a link from my best friend Caitlyn about a woman named Desi Perkins. She put a vlog up about her journey towards pregnancy after a miscarriage. In the vlog she says she gave up trying and she even watched footage of herself taking a pregnancy test that was negative. Desi is so afraid of disappointing everyone around, most importantly her husband. And then she says something that hits deep within my should. She says this is almost embarrassing to talk about because she is suppressing her feelings when it comes to going to baby showers, seeing other people get pregnant before you and all the other things associated with talking about wanting a child and navigating the way through. One thing I noticed throughout the video is Desi’s strength and her faith. She believes the specialist she is seeing is going to be able to help her get pregnant. I wish nothing but the best for her because I hate seeing women in pain and struggling through their infertility struggles. I just feel for her when she says she’s worried she’ll get pregnant again only to have the same end result: a miscarriage.But she keeps her head up and keeps her faith and I know one day she’ll be able to hold a baby against her skin while they sleep. One thing Desi does say that is very important is it’s not polite to ask someone if they’re pregnant especially on social media. Not this applies more for her because she is a celebrity. But people shouldn’t ever ask if someone is pregnant just because you see a roll or two. So PSA if you see a women looking a little pregnant stop and think  long and hard before you ask how far along  a person is. For me endo-belly is no joke. Some days I look like I have a normal belly but then other days I wake up and my stomach is so full of inflammation that I look 5-6 months pregnant. It’s awful. I feel awful. And when those days happen I stay home because I’m afraid I’ll run into someone at the store and they’ll ask the dreaded question.

I’m still learning so much about myself while on this journey and I hope I keep coming across videos like this for me to watch. Not only are they education for me I get to learn more facets of infertility. I feel for Desi. I feel so lost not be able to give Russell children. Now I can’t say it’s embarrassing to have infertility because I’ve always been very  open about it but it’s still the hardest subject for me to talk about. One day I’ll be able to have my littles with me and show that no matter what life threw at me I conquered it. And that’s what I want all of you to do . Even though we all are connected by this disease I’m sure you’ll to find a way to take the sourest lemon life has to offer and turn into something resembling lemonade. If you can do that anything is possible.

Until Next Time

xoxo

https://www.gofundme.com/angelicamyounge.com/angelicamyoung)

 

Desi’s video is linked for those who may be interested in watching or following along on her journey.

 

 

 

 

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, fitness, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Are you seeing me?

I’ve been asking myself a lot lately if the blog posts are being seen. If you are seeing them can you answer a few questions and post your comments down below and we’ll get right into today’s blog!

1.) How did you find me? 2.) What keeps you coming back? 3.) Before reading about my blog do you or someone you know have endometriosis? 4.) What topics do you like most and what topics would you like to know more about? 5.) Before following my blog did you know what endometriosis is?

 

In today’s blog I’d like to bring to light another story that was shared with me recently. I wanted to share this story with you all right away but I simply didn’t know how to get through the blog without crying and being upset for a friend of mine.( Her name has been changed in this blog for social media privacy) So I decided to step back and think about how I wanted to share her story because some of the detail of her infertility are difficult to discuss. So last week I received a private message from my friend, Miah, telling me she now understands the pain that I’ve endured while going through endometriosis, the surgeries, and now IVF and everything that it brings. Miah continued by saying she had an ectopic pregnancy. For those that don’t know an ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo is in the fallopian tube traveling to the uterus. However, the embryo ends up getting stuck in the fallopian tube. The end result is a miscarriage because embryos can’t survive outside the uterus. Most of the time when people are trying they don’t realize they’ve created an embryo and women will often times go to the doctor with symptoms of pelvic pain, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, or pain in shoulder area. It is during the pelvic exam or ultrasound the technician or doctor (depends on who is doing your ultrasound) will see the embryo in the tube. However, there are serious health concerns that come from having an ectopic pregnancy. Unfortunately, Miah went through the worst with her ectopic pregnancy. Her fallopian tube ruptured causing her a lot of pain. She had to go in for emergency surgery to save her life. Within minutes of arriving to the hospital she was being prepped for surgery. I can’t imagine how stressful her situation was or even how scared she was.

When she came out of surgery she said she looked down at her stomach and she didn’t recognize it. I told her I felt the same when I had all of mine. Many days I still want to hide all my scars and never wear a two piece bathing suit ever again. It’s not that I feel anger or resentment towards them but if I’m being quite honest I liked my body the way it was before all the surgery. Right now I don’t like my body and the way it looks.I’d prefer to hide my body until I feel comfortable in my skin again. And that’s also another obstacle women have to go through after they’ve gone through a laparoscopy. The first thought is “what does it look like under all the bandages?” ,Second thought is “when will I get to see it?”, and after you finally see your stomach for the first time its complete silence. Do you know why? Because the image that we are looking at won’t be going away, they’re in places that can be hard to cover up if you wanted to show your stomach. I fully understood what Miah was saying when she said she didn’t recognize her stomach. Miah is so brave and so strong. The amount of pain from rupturing a fallopian tube has to worse than child-birth. I’ve had several cysts rupture and that feeling is one of the worst feelings a person can feel. I just wanted to give some love to Miah for being an amazing person, sharing her story with me and continuing to try to find the light during this dark time. I have so much positive energy for you and your family. Keep being positive, have faith and know that you may not have all the answers now but you’ll find them eventually. If there’s one nugget of advice I can give you it’s don’t give up. When you feel like you can’t get out of bed or you’re struggling with what has just happened and you’re slipping into a negative space say to yourself ,Don’t give up. I promise this made me feel better on days when I just wanted to curl up in bed and shut the world out. I won’t lie to you, seeing pregnancy announcements and bare bellies and all the pictures people post of their newborns is going to be hard. You’ll feel like you are going through this alone but you aren’t. I felt that way for a long time because I couldn’t find anyone I could identify with and once that changed my mindset started to change. I believe in you and I love you very much. I promise you are going to get through this and you’ll be stronger, more grateful for the life you have now, and more positive. This experience has tilted your universe and I know you’ll do great things by sharing your story!

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Putting Our Pride Aside

As some or most have seen, Russell and I put up a GoFundMe account to help with some of the costs of IVF. I have no idea what’s going to happen with the outcome or how much we are able to raise. But at the end of it all I know whatever we do have we’ll use to go towards our total IVF payment. For those who have already donated, thank you so much. I’m not going to recount our story for the five thousandth time but I will let you know that we are getting stronger and stronger each day. Part it is from all the support we know we have and the other part is knowing we have each other to go through this with.

I like to think of this situation as our Mount Everest. It’s taking a long time to get to the top but we do get there everything we’ve gone through will be worth. The moment when we get to the top (aka conceiving a child) and everything just seems so surreal because the amount of patience you have to have is indescribable. But sometimes when we are going on big adventures you need help and guidance along the way. Russell and I never intended to put up a gofundme but we’ve decided to put our pride aside and see what happens. We have Plan A, Plan B and we’re working on putting together a Plan C. Clearly we all want Plan A but it may not happen. And can I take a second to bitch about how our healthcare system needs to be changed. It’s not fair that they’ll bill insurance thousands of dollars for a simple ER visit but going to the same hospital for treatment to have a baby gets no help. I’m over here like hello insurance companies, I know your business is sometimes shady and this is one of the areas I would deem shady. I wish women could have more coverage to take the stress of wondering, hoping, putting all you your extra effort into thinking of every little thing that could happen. I have many more gripes when it comes to women and men not getting coverage for infertility issues.

I wanted to keep this short and sweet because I really don’t know what else to say. If you are able to donate that would be great and if you can’t please keep saying your prayers for us. We appreciate everything everyone has done for us thus far! Link down below.

xoxo

https://www.gofundme.com/angelicamyoung

 

 

abortion, animal lover, anxiety, babies, beauty, becoming parents, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, boudoir, breaking news, conceiving, conception, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, faith, family, fashionista, fitness, foodie, growing, hope, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, influenser, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, make up lover, makeup, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Mary Kay Cosmetics, modeling, negative, new normal, Ohio, pageant girl, Pageants, parent, photography, PIO, positive, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, self talk, sex, shoe addict, Shoes, skincare, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, white, wife, women, women's issues, womens rights

Therapy Part One

Throughout this journey I’ve been very open about my mental state and how I’m feeling about infertility, the emptiness that I felt when I kept getting negative pregnancy tests, the trying and getting a period and the disappointment that followed and just the downward spiral I felt I was going down. So after many talks and lots of thinking I decided that if I wasn’t going to go on medication I’d need to seek counseling from a third-party… because let’s be honest, there is only so much your family, friends and spouse can say to calm you down in a time of need.

Through my insurance I was able to find a therapist who is in my area but I was disappointed because she isn’t taking any new clients until August. So I went with my second option. And let me tell you that was a disaster. Keep in mind I’m big on first impressions. Like if I don’t get a good vibe from you in the first five minutes (really more like two minutes) I’m most likely not going to vibe well with you. I will not disclose the person’s name or location but I was not impressed. Walking into a cluttered space was overwhelming. So overwhelming in fact that I became even more anxious. Then I walk into the therapists office where they work and to my dismay it was even worse than the waiting area. I mean I was so distracted because the office was not what I had in mind. Correct me if I’m wrong but shouldn’t a therapist’s office be a neutral, yet inviting space to be in with plants and calming feel? All I could think about was the amount of things in the office, like a floor fan, humidifier, the crooked wall hangings, the magazines everywhere, and just the overall clutter. Not to mention they took a phone call in the middle of me answering a question! I felt like I couldn’t focus on the questions being asked because of the chaos I felt I was in. We all know we don’t go to therapy to be distracted, we go to find ways to cope with our issues. Needless to say I left more overwhelmed than I went in.

And can I mention the advice I was given when I was told them why I was having anxiety and depression. I was told when I’m anxious I need to breathe deeply through my nose and out my mouth three times. The second task I was instructed to do was to create a story from a happy time in my life and remind myself of that happy time to get out of a funk. To be honest, I was disappointed. I thought for my first session I’d go in and tell them what was going on and what events had led up to me seeking treatment. Now, I do understand that everyone has a different approach but I just didn’t feel this person was a right fit for me. So now I’m back to square one. I am doing my research and seeing who is covered under my insurance so I can see someone else.

But last week when I wrote my last blog I told you all that I’ve give you some pointers on what to say and what not to say to someone going through infertility because it’s a tough topic to talk about, especially if you aren’t familiar with what that person is going through and want to offer advice but don’t quite know how. So below are the What to Say and What Not to Say to someone going through infertility. I’ll just list them and give a quick explanation (if you have any questions please feel free to ask and remember this is just from my point of view)

What to Say:

*Let the person dealing with infertility know you are there

*Listen…sometimes we just need to vent

*Connect us with other women/couples going through infertility so we can share our stories, offer advice to one another and be cheerleaders for them. It helps more than you can imagine.

*Tell us when you’re pregnant

* I’m sorry you’re going through this

*Send us inspirational quotes or bible versus relating to infertility, i.e. Sarah and Abraham’s story

*I hate that you’re going through this

*I love you

*Asking how we are doing or if we need anything

*If you’re feeling down and need me to run and errand for you please don’t hesitate to ask (Shout out to my bestie Erin for ALWAYS saying this to me)

*I’m praying for you/praying for your strength and hope during this time

What Not to Say:

*It’s not the right time

*There’s always next month

*Have you thought about adoption (this has to be at the top of the most awful questions to be asked)

*Maybe it’s not in God’s plan for you to be a mother/parent

*Has your husband switched to boxers?

*Trust me you’re lucky you don’t have kids

*You must enjoy your sleep

*Just get drunk and have sex that’s how most babies are created 

*You’re too stressed and that’s why you can’t get pregnant

*Whose fault is it? Yours or His?

*It’ll happen when it’s meant to be

*Don’t keep anything baby related from us. That’s the last we want because we still care about our friends and family babies and taking that next step in their journey. Just talk to use like you always do. 

Just a few things I wanted to share because I’ve been told by a few people in my inner circle that they don’t always know what to say. So I’d thought I’ve a little sight (again as my opinion) about what will make it easier to transition into conversation.

Until Next Time

xoxo

Angelica