Welcome to another late night post! The title of this blog is dedicated to my mommy. She saw that I got offended by a post going around social media. For those that haven’t seen the post it is an ultrasound of twins. People are posting that they’re pregnant only for the end of the caption to say we just wanted to say congrats to whomever is having these babies. It had been about the tenth time I saw the post and out of frustration I said it is really insensitive to post fake pregnancy announcements. Ya know, like the ones where everyone says they’re pregnant on April Fools Day, only for it to be a joke. Now after that I got feedback about my post, specifically from mommy. She said right now I’m too sensitive to be seeing things related to pregnancy so I should probably should stay away from social media. BUT we all know I have to play devil’s advocate here and now that I’m an adult I can (sometimes) go against what my mom says to do. (Although I could fail miserably while not taking her advice in the first place lol) She just understands what I’m going through, the serious amount of medication my body has undertaken over the last 18 months and the fact that it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Anyway, I got some criticism saying that if we can’t find humor in some things then we’ll never be able to laugh at anything. So there are mixed reviews and my mom is just trying to protect me from getting my feelings hurt unintentionally by what one person posts. To be fair she is right. I’ve never experience a level of sensitivity like this. And for those who know me know I’ve always been a sensitive person but I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster. Not all days, but some days. There are days when I cry asking the universe why I’m not good enough for a baby. There are days when I’m angry or frustrated that I can’t get pregnant after 9 months of marriage. Then I just sit and wonder ‘why me’? I wonder if there is something I did in a past life to have to go through this now. Maybe it’s to make me appreciate the journey we are going on. AND speaking of journey’s, this Wednesday at 3pm I will be going to our IVF specialist for my Lupron shot! I have waited very anxiously to see what was going to happen. I’m so thankful for the nurses and Dr. Karnitis for doing everything they can to help us. From answering all my phone calls, voicemails, and seeing me when things seem to be a little less than urgent. I am blessed to have such an amazing support staff and although this shot is going to burn like hell it’s the very first step to take to get to IVF. This road is going to be long, expensive, and worth.every.penny. The day I get to create a life inside and hold my little baby Young for the first time will be amazing. I don’t even have words to describe that feeling now. All I can say is that feeling is a yearning. A yearning for someone I already know I love unconditionally. I have a yearning to hold them close to my skin, smell their sweet baby smell, all while delicately kissing each part of their face. Trying to become a mother is full of overwhelming, heartbreaking, hopelessness. But for us we can’t keep silent, even if people don’t understand. My goal is to just educate one person on how endometriosis can severely change the life of a young woman. So I’m sorry mom but I won’t be staying off Facebook because a message needs spread around the globe that women need more affordable healthcare for reproductive health. Infertility needs to be considered as a general service, instead of a specialty service that we no option but to pay out of pocket for. Infertility needs to be brought up because there are also women who can’t afford to seek treatment, therefore feeling lost. If I lose friends or lose supporters along the way through this, that’s on them. I’m on a mission and I Continue reading
Do you ever just map out how your life or something really important in your life is going to go and then get really disappointed when things just don’t work out? Well that’s me; sting here at 1am with some very intense pain in my lower back and lower abdomen. I can never sleep so why not write a bit and try to calm down a bit to see if I can sleep? At least its thunderstorming so I can listen to that and be in peace.
Over the last year and half I’ve had plans of how everything was going to go. After surgery one in February 2016 I had a goal that I was going to get healthy and the endometriosis wouldn’t grow back (had I known then what I know now I would have just discarded all my plans). But as we all know March comes and so does surgery number 2. After March I decided I wasn’t going to focus on the negative and see how this “experience” would help me grow emotionally, mentally and physically. Well that didn’t work because I became very bitter and angry. Angry at the universe for giving me a disease that has no cure, no medication to control it and no way of knowing how bad it really its or how much of it has grown back without surgery. I cut myself off from my friends and even my family because all I wanted to do was be alone. I wanted to sit and think and really open my soul up to the universe and just try to figure out how to get out of the rut I was in. So I focused on our wedding, which was the best distraction I could have asked for. Planning our wedding was the most fun I’ve ever had! When August rolled around I had so much going on, I was finishing my year at Miss Captivating, in the final 8 weeks until we got married and then surgery 3 was scheduled unexpectedly. By this point I’d gained 25 pounds and just didn’t feel like myself. I had given up on looking good for the pageant because at that point there was no hiding the weight gain but I wanted to be present for that event and kind of shut my brain off that weekend. After surgery 3 we were in the clear (or so I thought). The final stages of putting our wedding together were going perfectly. Everything had been done and there were just a few last minute things to get for our reception. And the rest of the year went so well. We had consulted with my OB/GYN but for 3 months nothing. As newlyweds I knew that trying wasn’t going to be easy. Then out of nowhere surgery 4. The big one. The one that for me was the hardest. I think my body was in so much shock from the previous surgeries that it really had no recovery time; in 12 months I’d had 4 surgeries. In January I got really discouraged and we kept trying until this spring when we went to see Dr. K. at KHN. Ever since we’ve been going through this regimen and I’m hoping it works.
Last month was a true example of how things didn’t go according to plan. Last month I had my first round of Clomid, followed by a trigger shot and timed intercourse. And let me tell you that’s really awkward to hand your husband a schedule and say these are the days we need to try for a baby. We did exactly what the doctor and the morning I took a test I couldn’t look at it. I peed on the stick like you always do and then put it in the box. When Russell and I looked at the results, which was a negative, I broke. I never knew I wanted something so badly until that moment. At that moment I went back to bed and just cried. I realized then that this entire process is about not having anything go according to plan. I have to give up all my expectations because if I don’t I will continually be let down. This entire time I’ve had a plan but at some point I have to give everything I have to the universe and say ” Okay. I give my everything to you. You will bless us with a baby when you feel the time is right.” I ask the Goddess of Fertility for her help because I know she is looking over us.
Throughout this process I’ve had to learn how to love and let go. Let go of the baggage I’ve been carrying around. Let go of the negativity. Let go of this idea that having a baby later in life is a bad thing. Let go of the judgments I’ve placed upon myself. Let go of the what if’s. There are so many things that don’t go accordingly to plan but if having a baby means not sticking to any agenda, I’ll take it. We’re patiently waiting for our sweet bun to come to us. Until then, I’ll just keep writing and hoping we are making progress.
As if 2016 couldn’t get any worse. First we elect a man who isn’t fit to be a President, then Ohio’s Governor thinks he can somehow pass legislation to make it illegal for any woman to get an abortion at 6 weeks. Do you know what could happen in 6 weeks?! A lot. For any man reading this do you understand that the majority of women who have a period don’t have a “normal” cycle, meaning their periods don’t come exactly every 28 days. Some women skip periods for months at a time and then one day they get their period again. Some women even get more than one period a month. So here’s my open letter to our governor who needs to hear from a woman on a woman’s issue.
Dear Governor Kasich,
I am writing you this letter to let you know that your “Heartbeat Bill” isn’t such a great idea. Women in the state of Ohio (and across the country) should not be told what to do with their bodies, especially not by men who aren’t doctors. Women get pregnant every day in our state. Some women are trying and some women aren’t. There are also women who are having protected sex and still somehow get pregnant because contraception isn’t 100% effective. When you look at why women get abortions there are plenty of reasons. Some women get abortions because they know their babies are going to have problems, their baby won’t make it the entire 9 months and will be still born, personal reasons, etc. There are a hundreds of thousands of reasons women decide to get abortions. But ya know what, its their decision. A woman has to choose what she’ll do when she finds out she’s pregnant, which usually isn’t until at least week 8 or later. And here’s my other issue with your bill. You and your fellow cronies want women to have the babies they are pregnant with but you don’t want to help support them when women ask for help. When a woman has to ask for government assistance because they are raising a baby with a minimum wage job that barely covers the bills, you and your government turn your noses up at them like they are useless and not contributing to society. Our state and government needs to come up with a better way for women who are having babies to get the help they need without being judged. Asking for help with formula, diapers, etc., should not be a bad thing when a woman decides to keep the baby she is pregnant with. Why are food stamps, WIC and other government assistant programs frowned upon but you want every woman to keep their unborn children. You sir, can’t have it both ways. If you want women to keep their babies, you should be able to have the funding and programs to help. Otherwise, you need to mind your own business. Women get pregnant for all kinds of reasons and some of the reasons are deplorable. If this bill passes women will still find ways to have an abortion, only this way it will be illegal and could result in more than just an abortion, but a death with the woman carrying the baby. Taking away a right isn’t going to stop abortions from happening. Governor Kasich, you nor anyone in Senate should NOT be making decision regarding women’s health or reproductive rights. A woman should ALWAYS have the right to choose. I stand behind Roe vs Wade and will continue to support women when they have to make decisions, such as getting an abortion. If you want to make 2016 suck a little less than it already has, you won’t pass this bill.
A woman who will forever and always stand by her right to choose
Yesterday was hard day. Really this entire week has been hard. I’ve been stressing about surgery and what will happen in the future. I know the future is not something I can control, however, I still find myself wondering what will happen. Yesterday I had my third surgery in 6 months. Pain wise for this one was just about as bad as my partial hysterectomy. I’m resting now but it’s very hard to do things without help. I had a laparoscopy done, endometrial biopsy, chromopertubation, and a hysteroscopy. I’m sure many of you are asking “Angelica what the heck does any of that mean?” Well, my laparoscopy was done as usually, it was done in my first two surgeries, to allow my OB to see where my scar is and if it’s spread any more. The endometrial biopsy is taking a piece of my endometrium to be tested for any abnormalities. The hysteroscopy is normal, that just allows my doctor to look around and see if anything isn’t going right in my uterus. And lastly, the chromopertubation is a fancy term for poking holes in my ovary. Because insurance companies don’t cover A LOT of women’s reproductive health issues, the doctors and nurses have to find ways around procedures so the insurance companies do cover them. How crazy is that? The reason they poked holes in my ovary is to help give me the optimum chance to have as many follicles as I can get. Remember I only have 1/2 of an ovary so we are already behind the game here.
Yesterday surgery took about an hour and forty five minutes. I woke up in a lot of pain and just wanted to come home. Any one else just get that feeling after you’ve been in the hospital for so long that all you want to do is go home and lie in bed? That’s what I kept asking until they finally let me leave. I’m on bed rest and can’t do much. Sleep doesn’t go well because I can’t sleep on either of my sides. Getting up and around is hard because there are two incisions to add to my collection. They are located right on my belly button (or slightly above) and one a little further down. You never realize how many muscles in your stomach you need until you are restricted from using them.
My point with this blog post is to tell you it’s not been easy. I’ve receive a lot of criticism from people I thought were supportive. People are uncomfortable with my openness when it comes to endometriosis. I would apologize and say I’m sorry but I’m not. How many women can honestly say before they knew someone with endometriosis, or they are going through it themselves, knew what is was? Because I sure didn’t. No one ever informed me that I could have an invisible disease that could potentially stop me from having a baby. For those that don’t understand why I talk about my struggles, it’s because I want women to know it’s okay to talk about your struggles. It’s okay to ask questions about your body. It’s okay to be scared. I share part of my struggle with others in hopes that one day maybe the right person will read this blog and say, ” Hey maybe we should be talking about these issues and giving women more options when it comes to reproductive health care”. I’m not doing this to gloat or for anyone to feel bad for me. I know I am on this path for a reason. I know that in the end when I can hold a baby in my arms all this pain will be worth it.
until next time,