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A Path to Nowhere

I just have to vent. If I don’t I may lose my mind. I wrote last month that the decision had been made for me to go back on another round of Lupron-Depo, aka, the Devil’s Juice. I called the clinic to make sure everything was ready to go and the documents could be faxed to CVS Pharmacy since that’s the pharmacy my insurance covers. Totally fine..everything was going according to my plan and then it just stopped. The doctor’s office was getting the run around from CVS and I was getting the run around from CVS. It took six weeks of frustrating phone calls, documents being faxed to the WRONG PLACE (this error was on CVS end for giving my doctor’s office the wrong number). So I’ve waited and waited and waited and waited and waited to hear back something. Finally, today after getting a call back from one of the nurses she said to call CVS and see what’s going on. Apparently the Lupron has been ready since last week. Add that to growing list of frustrations. So it looks like I’ll get the shot on Wednesday. So here’s why I’m mad.

I was supposed to get this shot at the beginning of February…. six weeks ago. This is going to push out our timeline SIX WEEKS!!! If anyone knows me knows I have a type A personality. If someone tells me a projected time frame that is what we go with, there is no changing it and whatever obstacles come we get through them. However, this obstacle doesn’t have enough time. Now I don’t know what we are looking at. If I had to guess we’d beginning everything in July and go from there. It’s too late to me because I had this idea but as I am learning I am not in control here. I am at the mercy of time. Part of me is getting very tired and frustrated because this doesn’t just affect me, it affects Russell too. I just feel like I’m continuously failing him, us. I’m just so mentally exhausted by it all sometimes. Then I think of hard this journey is about to get. I mean think about it. Lupron turns me into a heat flashing, cry on the spot, irritated and menopausal person. She is no fun to be around. Then we go right into all the drugs. Birth control for one week, another Lupron for a week, and then the shots go in there somewhere. So at this point my body is really prepping itself to hold a baby(ies). Then the transfer and fingers crossed we are able to get pregnant that day.  And again, I have no idea when this will happen but that’s the order of how it will go because my favorite nurse explained it all out to me. I think that’s another aspect that I’m frustrated with is that we have been going down this path for so long and right now it just seems to be leading to no where. The last six weeks were a literal run around. I have wanted to scream, pull my hair out and cry.

I’m not even gonna lie either, today I had a why me day. Why can’t we just have one? What’s so wrong with wanting just one? I have tried making deals like if the Universe will grant us one crazy awesome miracle baby I won’t push for more. What’s wrong with wanting something that I’ve always wanted to be…a mother. Seeing my mother and how she raised us really impacted me. I also think when you are the product of divorced parents like I am, you almost have to grow up a little faster because mom needs help. I remember when my mom was going to night school, my little sister was a baby and my mom had me, Daniella, and Alex. Those were the times I had to step up and help my mom because she had to study. It was during that time that I found out my passion for wanting a family of my own one day. Then when Russell and first met and I mean just exchanged pleasantries, I knew he was the one. Did anyone else just get that feeling when you first met your significant other that they were going to be your forever? (Also, fun fact…before Russell and I started dating I made a few friends come stalk him with me! It was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done. That sounds horrible but I promise it was all in fun) Anyway, Russell and I would have deep conversations early on in our relationship. Because you have to remember that Russell and I were “dating” at first and getting to know each other before making things official. I remember one night we were talking on the phone and I asked him about having children. He said at a very young age he wanted to have a family. He saw his mom and dad kick ass at being teenage parents and he wanted the same. He just said he hadn’t found the right person to have children with. And as our conversations kept going he said he wanted a large family, 4 or 5 kids. I wanted the same! In a way I feel like I’m crushing his dream of becoming the father he always wanted to be. Infertility isn’t just a bitch to go through, infertility is heartbreaking. Infertility is emotional. Infertility is hard. Being an infertile woman in the prime of her life sucks. So today I say why me because in this moment our path seems to be going around in pointless circles.

Until Next Time


p.s. what have you done for endometriosis awareness month??

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How Stella Got her Groove Back…

Did you know that it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month? This month I hope to blog as much as possible about the stories of women with endo. I want to focus this month specifically on working with women and sharing their stories on how this disease has changed their life, for the good, the bad and the ugly.

Today’s story is about my friend and endo-sister Stella. Stella looks like a girl trying to live her dreams, however, Stella has a not so secret secret; she has endometriosis. Stella, like most women, had a very difficult time getting diagnosed. The doctor (whom shall remain nameless) diagnosed Stella as having stage one endometriosis Stella was told that she would have to have a laparoscopy in order to get her endometriosis under control. For any woman that hears the word “surgery” we get a little nervous and have a thousand questions.  We also need time to process what is going on, figure out how this is going to affect our every day lives and if surgery is really going to work, especially when the first time is always the scariest one because you don’t know the impact it will have on you and those around you. For Stella she became scared of the surgery and put it off for a little while. One day in 2016, while thinking about the surgery a huge pressure spike was happening her abdomen. What Stella was experiencing was a rupturing cyst that was leaking fluid into her abdomen. She was seen by the same OB but instead of being sympathetic to her situation and finding a treatment plan, she did the “I told you so routine” and kept making Stella feel guilty for wanting time to think about a major surgery. What most don’t know is that you sign an waiver when you get to the hospital. The doctors have no idea what they are going to find once they actually see what your uterus and surrounding areas look like. That waiver we sign is to giving them permission to remove parts of our reproductive systems if they will do harm to us in the future. I understand one hundred percent why someone would want time to weigh the pros and cons of the surgery. One month later Stella decided to have her first laparoscopy. During that first laparoscopy her OB found that the ovary with the ruptured cysts was adhered to her abdomen and she had found endometriosis in other areas of her body as well. At the time of this surgery she was diagnosed with stage 1 endometriosis. However, come to find out later she was misinformed by this OB and is now seeing a specialist who can help her get back on the right track and really figure out what stage she has. Knowing what stage you are prepares you for a lot. Each stage has different symptoms and each stage affects your body differently. If women want to preserve their eggs they need a way to figure out how to do that and when because the clock on having good eggs is running out and fast.

Stella has always known something was off with her cycle. Since she was 14 years old she thought, like the rest of us, that this is how a period is. She just lived with the best way she knew how and her best friend had the same symptoms so they had each other to go through this with. It wasn’t until the last few years when things started to escalate.

This disease takes a hold of everyone in your life and unfortunately some are not strong enough to stay with us. Often times when a woman is sick a lot, it can be hard for man. Not just because his needs aren’t being met but the needs the couple has aren’t being met. As a couple you have goals, dreams, and many milestones you hope to accomplish together. Stella thought she would have these things in her ex, but then things started to slowly change. At the beginning of her diagnosis her boyfriend was there for her. One of the things she said is that she had been incapacitated for three months before her first surgery. At the time her boyfriend was telling her he’d always be there for her and take care of her for the rest of their lives if he had to. He was that support guy who would be there for when she just needed a day filled with relaxing and binge watching their favorite shows on Netflix. But slowly a shift was taking place. She could feel it for a while and didn’t address anything right away. After all they were making plans to move in together and that’s a huge relationship step. That step means you are willing to make a commitment to be there for one another, in good times and in bad. Stella noticed things started to change after her first surgery; he would just not be be present and he wasn’t there as much and she had to force him into spending time together. Sadly, the shift in the relationship was too strong because in July when Stella started to do better after her second surgery, right before her birthday he broke it off. He was telling her a bunch of nonsense like excuses to get himself out. But the one thing he said that she’ll never forget is ” I can’t handle being with someone who has this kind of chronic health issue”.

The constant back, hip, and leg pain (which is common areas pain for women with endometriosis) were just too much to handle. After this last relationship Stella has put dating on hold.  A lot of times women with endometriosis are too tired to do normal things, let alone date. She has no sex drive, which is another common factor when having endometriosis. So for now dating is a no go. However, her friends  and family have been her constant. They are unconditionally supportive and understanding, although Stella’s been more isolated since her endometriosis seems to have escalated a bit. Stella’s self confidence has been affected as well. She feels like there’s something wrong with her, like her body is defective. This has a ripple effect because she has trouble going on and being social because of her self-esteem issues.  Throughout these highs and lows her family is there through it all. They are the biggest support for Stella and she doesn’t know what she would do without them. They are there for her in times when she needs them the most. To say she loves them and she’s grateful for them would be an understatement.

I wanted to share Stella’s story with you all because it’s profound. She has exhibited a fighter’s mentality and continues to fight every day for her happiness, health and peace of well being. Stella is an amazing woman who deserves nothing but the best. I know she has had some major trials throughout her endometriosis journey but she is going to come out the other side of this dark tunnel a winner. She will conquer all the goals and dreams she has and so much more. She has a huge and wonderful support system. She is beautiful, kind and thoughtful. Endometriosis doesn’t define her, it’s just apart of her. Stella is a warrior that continues to fight every day and I am grateful to know her.


Please remember it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month and if you have any questions regarding endo or want more facts please ask!

Until Next Time








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Hello! Hello! Hello! Welcome to this week’s edition of I have endometriosis and we are no closer to finding a cure and we still do not have proper drinking water in Flint. All I’m saying here before getting into my blog is that some things take a while to figure out, however, the water situation is what worries me because I feel like there should have been able to come up with a  solution on it but instead we never hear about it. Any who, let’s jump right into this weeks topic: grief.

“Infertility is a loss of a dream. It’s the loss of an assumed future. And, like every loss, it will be grieved.” –Unknown

Today I grieved. I grieved alone because sometimes that’s what is best for me in the moment. I don’t always grieve alone but if I need to talk to Russell he is there and so are my friends. Without them as my shoulders to cry on I would have completely gone insane by now. Today started out just fine. I always get up last because Russell goes to work so early so I get to sleep in on my days off, which by the way is amazing, and I’m very thankful he lets me get the rest I need. I know he’s gone to work because he’ll give me soft kiss on the forehead and say I love you. Then off he goes. The girls and I get an extra hour and two to rest. Now I don’t always fall back asleep so we may catch up on Housewives, Scandal, HTGAWM, or put on a movie. After we are ready to get our morning going I feed the girls, brush my teeth, decide if I’m going to look like a crazy person or just a normal person with bad style. Today I opted for a pair of shorts with a sweatshirt (which I’ve always hated!) And for those that know anyone with endometriosis just getting dressed sometimes is a HUGE accomplishment. I don’t check my phone right away just because I know I’m going to have check my email and of course who can resist getting on their phone and NOT checking Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat? No one. I’m sitting down at my surface getting ready to see what happened since the Superbowl ended and it came out today that Matt Patricia is coming the Detroit Lions as our 43rd head coach! Can’t wait for a great year and hopefully some deep playoff runs and maybe a Superbowl?? Anyway, I’m super off topic now. So I’m scrolling through Insta and see that Kylie just gave birth to a girl (reportedly her name is Butterfly and I really hope its a joke). Then another news cycle posted a photo of Kylie and Khloe pregnant together. Then I see Chrissy Teigen and her adorable bump. Then I see Kelly Stafford with her twin girls. Lastly, I saw Tia Mowry-Hardrict flaunting that beautiful bump and more glowing than I’ve ever seen. And ya know Jessie James Decker and all her perfect bump pics just take the cake. I know Chrissy and Tia know what it’s like to have infertility issues. I just hope that each of these women understand what women like me feel like. I’m not sure how many people saw it but I posted on Instagram some thoughts that were running through my head. I was holding back tears like a pro and couldn’t believe I did it. This journey is so hard. I beat myself up daily about anything and everything. For instance, Russell and I were watching Tin Cup, one of our favorites, and he saw a shirt that Rene Russo happened to be wearing and it’s ironically back in style. He said you’d look so cute in that. I appreciated the compliment but I was like no I tried on something similar but it just made me look fatter than I already do. Of course being my husband he rolled his eyes. I’m self conscious, I hate the way my body looks, I’m terrified if I have to get in a bikini, I can’t wear crop tops because they hug the parts of my body that I don’t want accentuated. Today I realized I’ve lost myself. I feel like I’m asking for help but people are too busy to answer or call back. Most of my friends have kids so I understand they have to be home for them. My other best friend is in the middle of wedding planning and I know how much fun that was so I’m trying to allow her to focus on herself and her day.

One more quick story about how my day was just reminded of infertility and what steps you go through to get pregnant. We watch a show called the Good Doctor on ABC. It is phenomenal. One couple who is in their 40’s are trying to get pregnant but they can’t because there is an abnormality and they need another test. The husband starts blaming his wife for waiting too long because she wanted to open her own business and earlier he was traveling and teaching so they had no time. Plus, she made the point she was going to go raise a child with a nanny. When they went back to the doctor she said I’m sorry but your semen analysis shows a low count. I kind of had a feeling it was him because some men had more infertility problems than we can think of. During the couples  visit they were using terms only a couple who has gone to an reproductive endocrinologist would know those terms. I rattled off 10 terms and Russell was like they said everything we’re about to do. The only thing they didn’t mention was the Clomid and Ovidrel shots. Again, two not so fun medications. I turned to look at Russell and I said I feel their heartache and they’re just actors. But I feel them because we are living with this. He said I know but each day is going to be better than the last. I’m very grateful for him and hope that I can repay him for taking such great care of me the last few years that I’ve been sick.

So this brings me to my final point about being able to grieve. Several friends have said it’s okay to not be okay. The first time I hear that I was like who says that? I’ve realized I can only take so much. Some days are better than others but today was just hard. That feeling I have to be a mother crept back in and doesn’t want to leave. Part of me doesn’t ever want it to leave. May seems so far away but I hope these next few months can fly by so we can get this show on the road.

Until Next Time


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Just When You Start to Feel Alone…

There’s this group on Facebook called Endometriosis and Me. I stumbled across the website and noticed that the women there seem so connected. And not in the everyone is connected on Facebook way, but that much deeper connection, is the type of relationship these women are in. At the time of me looking for a group to join I needed a group like this. For the last year I’ve been pretty quiet. I only ask questions that are really concerning or to get medication advice from these women.  I have never met any of these women but for some reason I feel like we are bonded and connected by this disease. This disease is awful and with doctors and big pharma it will continue to take on average 10 years before a woman is diagnosed with this disease.

And can we talk about these women? These women are some of the strongest women I’ve ever “met “in my life. They share their stories. They share when they’re having a tough day. They share when they can’t get out of the house and do something normal because when this disease grabs hold of your body it doesn’t let go. We make plans only to cancel them last minute because we don’t feel well or can’t seem to move out from our fetal position on the floor with the heating pad wrapped around our bellies. These women really, truly, understand what the saying ‘the little things matter’ means. Our little things are small victories like getting out of bed, showering, putting on real clothes, no leggings and a sweatshirt, real decent clothing. Our little things are getting through the day without feeling a stabbing pain at some point in your stomach, back, or pelvic area. For me my wins include putting makeup on on a day when I’m not working; cleaning the entire house without feeling like I’ve been hit by a train going 100 miles per hour. Small victories can get us throughout the day but not always.

There are some days when you’ve accomplished a few things but in your mind it’s not enough. That’s where having a person who supports you is so important. In the group, Endometriosis and Me I asked the girls to share their story of who their person is. A few girls said they are single and live alone so they don’t have a person. These women also mentioned how hard dating is with endometriosis, which I can’t even imagine since dating seems to be the worst thing to want to do right now, endo or not. But, Crystal’s story really got me emotional. She talked about her boyfriend and how much he has been able to get her through this. She said her journey has been especially hard. But he is there for her. He lays in bed with her and they do Netflix marathons, while snuggling and eating popcorn. She is going through the depo shot and I pray she doesn’t experience all the awful things I did. She mentioned how he rubs her feet, draws her relaxing baths, and goes to all of her appointments because he knows how bad her anxiety in doctor’s office settings are for her. There’s something that can happen along the journey of going through endometriosis. We as women start to think we aren’t pretty enough or good enough for our partners. Her story and testimony are why strong relationships exist. Her story is a true example of true love. When a woman is diagnosed with endo and their partner finds out there is a possibility they may never have children it’s scary. Don’t think for one second that I wasn’t telling Russell to never leave me. In fact, after my left ovary and tube were removed, during our engagement, I told him I would understand if he wanted to be with someone who didn’t have endometriosis, who could give him everything he wants in life. But he said he will always choose me and I am forever grateful for my husband and his decision to help me fight this. Every woman you talk to will have a different story on who their person is. But usually it’s the person who is there for them most and takes care of them. For me, my person is my husband because even though he’s sick right now he’s making sure I have enough pillows and blankets to keep me warm. He is my angel sent from heaven.

To all the girls out there who feel alone, like we all do at times, let’s connect! Leave a comment with your social media and we can be friends, even if it’s just the kind of friends to talk about who shitty endo is. And if you have a story to share of your person I’d love to hear about it! Connect with me on Facebook or Instagram or on here! And please remember your self worth and value are more than what this disease makes you think.

Until Next Time


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Question and Answer Session

I wanted to change up the blogging aspect of this post. Lately it’s been about our journey towards IVF and I am so grateful to be sharing that with you but I wanted to see what questions you all had and I can answer them for you! So here we go!!

Q: What is Endometriosis? I’ve never heard of it.

A: Endometriosis is a condition where the layer of tissues that normally covers the inside of the uterus grows outside of it. Basically, when a woman has her period each month the lining is supposed to shed; it doesn’t and comes back to gets stuck to parts of our body that we need, like our ovaries, fallopian tubes, and other organs but is is very rare for it to spread to other organs.  There are also four stages of endometriosis, stage 1-4. I have stage 4. I am one of the unlucky girls because my endometriosis had spread to colon. More on that in another question.

Q:What symptoms did you have and how did you find out you had endometriosis? 

A: During my time of the month I would get really sick. So sick in fact that I would throw up for days on end, have a migraine so bad I couldn’t work, and the cramps were so bad in my back and pelvis that I couldn’t walk. Finally after trying to fight it off I went to the OB and he told me there was a possibility it could be endo (endometriosis) and the only way to detect it is through a laparascopy. I didn’t hesitate and two weeks later I went in for surgery. Each person also varies with their symptoms but most times they are very similar in each case.

Q: How do you find out you have it?

The only way to find out you have endo is through a laparascopy. It’s a laser guided by a robot to look through your stomach, uterus and surrounding areas. I found out I was stage 4 at the age of 26. I was also told that day after surgery that I was infertile. I was stag four because there was so much scar tissue some of the pictures were unrecognizable as to which organ the doctor was looking at. During that time they also found that my entire left side was non-functioning. Four weeks later I had another laparascopy because the pain isn’t getting any better. March of 2016 I had my entire left side removed. They also saw an anomaly. My color and uterus were fused together with scar tissue, So they had to take those apart and put them back where they belong.

On average a woman goes 10 years without finding out she has endometriosis because there is no current testing that we have to detect it early.

Q: Isn’t it just bad cramps? 

A: No. No. and No. I would take cramps any day than deal wtih endo. Endometriosis is more than just cramping because you are dealing with endo every day of the week, not just when you’re on you’re period. So no, endo is NOT JUST cramps.

Q: What are the stages of infertility? 

A: For me there are several ways to interpret this. But for me there is grief that comes along with being an infertile woman.  I think the five stages of grief fit perfectly with the stages of infertility.

  1. Denial: No woman wants to be told their infertile so they don’t believe it. They keep to their scheduled nights of having sex but after so long of not getting pregnant you wonder why and realize your in the stage of denial.
  2. Anger: I know I was angry for a long time. I wanted to know why this wasn’t found sooner, what could I have done to prevent it. But the reality is I couldn’t have done anything differently.
  3. Bargaining: You start to bargain with God or whomever you believe in. If you give me a baby I promise I won’t buy another puppy.
  4. Depression: This stage is the hardest. The is when everything is stating to sink in. You may never have children, Or depending on what parts work and what don’t surrogacy and adoption may be the only opions.
  5. Acceptance: I’ve come to accept my endometriosis. I’ve only been diagnosed for about three years. And in that three years I went through the stages of grief. My husband watched me on my weakest days say why me? why us? But I have to realize that when I can accept that I have an incurable disease I can educate others on how they can be supportive to those who don’t have children and want them to be happy.

Q: Why Me? 

A: I can not tell you how many times I’ve asked this question. So for anyone going through infertility, it’s okay to say why me? It’s okay to stay in your sweats and grieve a little. I know I have. Today I was having a rough flare up and started crying asking Russell for reassurance. But yes ladies, its okay to say why me and have a pity party.

Q: Why do we have to hide our endometirosis? And who projects this? Self or Others? 

A: This is a great question. I think because endo has to do with our lady parts and lady parts are a taboo subject we just don’t talk about it. We have our groups to be able to lean on our girls when when need it. I also think others are still ashamed of their diagnosis and they don’t want people to think less of them. I think part of endo not being normalized has to do with those of us who have the disease to talk to. I also think it’s others not wanting to talk about women’s reproductive systems because again they are taboo topics. But the more we talk about endo the more knowledge we put into the world.

Q: Why do we have to pretend to be strong? 

A: We only have to pretend to be strong if someone doesn’t know what you’re going through. If we are more open and unapologetic about what we are going through we don’t have to pretend to be strong. We are bad ass women who are fighting each day to get our bed and do simple tasks without getting winded or feeling like shit after. Today I told my husband I wasn’t strong today and he said it’s okay you need rest. The house can wait. We need support systems like that in our lives, not people who are going to bring us down.

Q: Is it normal to gain weight? 

A: Unfortunately, yes. Like I said previously I’ve known about my endo for two years. We have been working with an IVF specialist since last year and I was put on all these different types of medications. I’d say the weight is gradually coming on but its there. I weigh 135 pounds because of the endo and all the treatment. I know I’m going to have to put in the work and gain the weigh if I want a baby but it still sucks.

Q: Does pregnancy fix endo? 

A: Yes and no. Yes because when you don’t have a period you can’t shed the lining of your uterus, which means scar tissue can’t get stuck in places it shouldn’t. But there is always a chance for smaller pieces to get stuck so there is that. Plus once you give birth your body is taking time to get used to having a human come out, get your hormones situated and then think about what to do. Pregnancy can definitely help lessen that chance for endo resurface. Endomtriosis never fully goes away. But we are hoping that once we are able to get pregnant the flare ups and back pain will go away.

Q: Have you thought about a surrogate? 

A: No. My uterus is healthy (a little tilted) but can carry multiple babies. I am not worry nor have we even though about surrogate. In my mind thinking of using donor eggs, surrogacy, etc is like me saying I give up, which I refuse to do.

Q:How has this affected your relationship? 

A: Russell and I have been married for 14 months. He has become my care taker. He makes sure I’m comfortable. He makes sure I have ice and heating packs when I need them. But going through this has made us better communicators. We talk so much about our future plans. If being diagnosed with this disease has taught me anything its like is too short to do something you don’t love. We plan on traveling more. Having babies and just doing what we want to do. We want to experience other cultures, build businesses and most importantly, be happy. There have been tough times too though. When we did the two IUI’s and the test came out negative I thought I was going to have a break down. After the second one we decided IVF would be the next step because IUI’s are too expensive and I want to spend my money on actually making babies. We have had bad days when we can’t agree on a decision. We have bad days when i can’t seem to get out of my funk and constantly ask ‘why me’? But in the end the good days out outweigh the bad.

Hers’s to hoping 2018 brings the Lions a Playoff Win, less pain, more happiness, and a couple of little humans to add to the Young household!

Let me know if you like Q&A. I’m thinking doing another one!

Until Next Time



babies, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, race, racial issues, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Why Don’t You Just Adopt?

Today’s topic: adoption. Before we dive in and get to this blog I want to make it very clear that Russell and I love adoption. We love hearing success stories of people who are going through infertility and they think they have one last shot at having children so they go the adoption route and their family is complete. We are advocates of making sure children have a safe, happy, loving home. I am 100% supportive of adoption.

There is one simple, yet complicated question that keeps being brought up. Why don’t you just adopt? It’s much more complicated than that and here’s why. Adoption isn’t free. Adoption costs on average $25,000. Adoption is also a never guaranteed thing either, because sometimes the woman who is pregnant could change her mind or there are some unforeseen circumstances that change everything for both families. I will say this until the cows come home but I want to experience pregnancy, even if it’s just one child. I want to feel it all, well not all of, like morning sickness, but you know what I mean. I want to invest our money in ourselves. And I can’t tell you how many people take offense to that. In our minds if we go straight from where we are which is stage 4 endometriosis, to adoption we just passed GO without collecting our $200. Basically, we are missing out on opportunities to become parents ourselves.

I’m being 1000% honest when I say this. The moment I/we decide to go for adoption I’ve given up hope that we can conceive on our way. I refuse to give up on myself. Remember Russell has no issues and for a man whose 40th birthday is next month is levels are of that of a man in his early 30’s so we have absolutely nothing to worry about with him. But my clock is ticking a bit faster.  We know that in the next couple of months we are going to have to bite the bullet and begin treatment. We can not risk the endometriosis spreading and causing more damage to the only side I do have. Back to adoption though…sorry we veered left for minute. I am not ready to think about adoption. It makes me very emotional. I know that the universe ultimately is the one who will let us know what we going to be able to. Adoption is scary because even though that child is yours, you didn’t carry them for 9 months and feel the labor pains. As I stated in my last blog that I want to feel what labor feels like. I want to know what a contraction can be. But most importantly I want to feel a bond between my baby and myself.  I want to take a picture of a growing belly and see what fruit my baby compares to. But going through adoption I won’t have that opportunity. And I’m sure those of you reading this are probably like wtf is wrong with her. There are thousands of children that need homes and help and you are saying no. The short answer is I’m saying no for now. Russell and I have been trying naturally for 14 months and clearly my body isn’t functioning because after the first IUI I thought for sure I was pregnant. But it was negative. To me, if we decide to start the adoption process I will have failed myself. My body has failed me when it comes to having the adoption conversation. All I really want to say is let me get through Christmas and then we’ll think a little more, take the rest of the year to apply for 4 amazing loans I found to be a perfect fit for us. More on that in another blog.

I wanted to clear this up because this is one of the most frequently asked questions. So, no adoption in the near future because IVF will work. Even if I have to eat a lot pineapple. Two, we are still trying but not getting any positive results. This part has been frustrating for me because I’m taking advice from the endo doc and they say IVF right away.

Can I be brutally honest for one minute? I’m scared. Scared that I’ll let my husband down. If you don’t know you know he’d give the shirt off his back to a stranger. Shoot, when we were in Detroit for Thanksgiving he game a man $10 and said Merry Christmas. Little things like that remind me daily why I fell in love with him. Anyway, I don’t want to sound selfish but I can’t go through life wondering what would have happened if we didn’t try IVF at least once. I’m in the mindset of one day next year we’ll become parents. There are so many medical advances made every day that it’s insane what scientists and doctors are going to be able to achieve. Please when you ask why I wont adopt it’s because I want my babies made from my husband and me, first. Then if we can’t make that happen we’ll get to another game plan but right now we are putting all of our chips in front of the dealer and hoping we have the winning hand. Please continue to prayer for us, send positive energy, whatever spiritual thing you are into add us to your list of giving thanks and lifting us up. I truly don’t think how strenuous a marriage can be when you throw in every day life stuff but then your partner gets diagnosed with an incurable disease.

Having this been cleared up, please don’t ask me why I won’t adopt because I refuse to give up on myself, my husband and everything we’ve talked about thus far in our journey.


I’m thinking of doing a Q&A for my next blog so if you have any questions please shoot me a message on facebook and I’ll go through them and answer then for you!

Until Next Time


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Can I tell you a little secret?

I’m scared. I’m anxious. I feel a little like a failure…well a lot like a failure but we’ll get back to that in a minute. Thursday is the day we meet our second RE in the last 19 months. We just want a second opinion. Dr K.’s office says we can either go back on Lupron for another 3 months or have the worst periods ever and continue on that path until we are ready for IVF. At this point all my numbers are low. And by low I mean they are basically non existent. When I asked the nurse that works with Dr. K what to do next, like could we do a round of femara with a trigger shot and try on our own? Can we do the femara with trigger shot and then plan another IUI? I could hear the heartbreak in her voice because she said I’m sorry but the best thing you can do is to save up the month for IVF because no other is going to work for you. That’s when Russell brought up the idea of getting  a second opinion to see if they see something or have a different type of treatment that isn’t going to break the bank. What makes this harder is knowing nothing is wrong with Russell, thank goodness. His labs and analysis all came back extremely well and I am so grateful for that. But that means I’m the one that’s broken. And 13 months into a brands new marriage this is tough. I knew when we said for better or worse and sickness and in health  that phrase would ring so true over for us right now.

I know some people have asked about why we chose to see another RE (reproductive endocronologist) because Russell is all about asking questions. He is all about making sure we leave a meeting knowing every little detail before the paperwork has even come to our mailbox. I love that about him because in situations like we’ll be in I freeze and can’t think of anything to say. I just write down the answers and make sure we can discuss everything on the car ride home. We are also seeing another RE because I’m still in a lot of pain and I feel like I”m being heard. KRM is a great establishment with one of the highest live birth success rates. Dr. K. has been nothing but nice and straightforward with me and with Russell. But a second opinion never hurts because some doctors think more outside the box while others don’t.

I also don’t know if you all know this but Russell and I wanted to have 4 or 5 kids. In the very beginning stages of our relationship we would talk about how cute babies are and one day we’d have our own. Well Lena made her debut as a ‘Young’ about a week later. He thought I was taking her back but she was stuck with us and the other two that following. More about their stories in another blog. I got off on a tangent there for a second. My point is Russell and I have always wanted a large family. Now I’m not sure what we’ll have. We will definitely implant two maybe more depending on how we feel about it and see what happens from there. If somehow the universe will allow my body to make a few eggs we’ll let them become fertilized and freeze the healthy embryos in case we decide we want one more try at it in the future. Needless to say I’m sure you feel a little stressed reading this. This is what I go through on a consistent basis. Throw in some random questions like ‘why did Russell marry me know I have a disease that is incurable and children may not  be an option. And the am I pretty enough? Am  I good enough because with the way  I look and feel no man should have to look at it. But each time he says he loves me, he thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and that children or no children we’ll be just fine as long as we have each other. Please send your positive vibes out for us this week and every week because infertility is bad but knowing it’s what you’ve always too is heart breaking.

Until Next Time


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Still having Hot Flashes…

This week has been filled with highs and lows. Needless to say I’m ready to relax tomorrow and forget the world exists. July 25 I went into the fertility doctor’s office and they gave me the shot. They said once week 12 hits I shouldn’t have hot flashes, insomnia, etc. I’m having the hot flashes and even worse the ever before. My ears turn bright red,  my nose turns red and my entire body from top to bottom sweats so much you’d think I Just ran a marathon.

It’s been a long week because there has been a lot to do. I had to schedule our second opinion. We’ve decided it’s best to go to Cincinnati. I already see a Nuerologist at UC Health. Dr. Vij. He’s amazing and the reason I keep going back to get my botox! I’m getting my last botox treatment until after we give birth. In order to get botox I have to count four months out on the calendar and know when we’re in the safe zone to conceive.  But I am excited to meet this new guy and see what he has to say. Everyone is going to be different but I hope he will hear me when I speak to him. We have a lot more reasons for choosing UC Health but getting the best care is what is most important to us, especially if I have to pay for everything then I’ll make sure  we are seeing the person we want to see. Not to mention our current doctor can’t see us until we are ready to begin IVF treatment. We feel this is the perfect time to get a second opinion. I realize all the costs that are associated with infertility but I am signing up to get pregnant.

But I’ve had such a down week. It all began at the beginning of the week because I was feeling awful. I had to cancel a few appointments I had with friends and with my doctors simply because I couldn’t get out of bed. I cried a lot and  said to the universe ” why is this happening to us? I’ve been a little unstable emotionally this week. Every little thing stressing me out. I’m noticing negative thoughts are entering my space. Thoughts talking about me as a mother, how do I deserve a child over someone else, am I ready, etc. All these questions are consuming me and for a split second earlier this week I thought maybe I’m being punished for something I did in a past life. But I’m coming around now.

Some days are better than others and I’m still learning how to deal with emotions that infertility brings.  As also, please hug a friend extra tight and let them know you’re there. Even if it’s just to text about their day. I have a very small circle of girlfriends and one of them has been so understanding of why I can’t do things when I did say I could do. She understands how much this takes out of me. I’m not ignoring anyone if they are trying to hang out!

Until Next Time



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The little things make you realize how much you want a baby, but also how possible it could be for one couple and impossible for the other couple. I am 1 in 8.

I was watching one of my favorite shows, Eric and Jessie on E!. They were talking about whether or not to have a baby and if they’d try for another because they said it was easy for them. Her sister who was pregnant at the time said well how are you feeling? So naturally Jessie went to take the test. Eric walks in and is asking what they’re doing and he sees the test is negative. The next scene is the family hugging together saying it’s not meant to be this month. See that brought back so many emotions and I started crying. For those that haven’t caught on yet, crying is one thing I’m pretty damn good at.

But in all honest the memories of the TWW a few months ago were brutal. They were more than brutal. There were days that felt like they were drag on so slowly and we’d never get to test. Then test day comes and you don’t really sleep the night before because you’re so anxious you have to know. I am also a super type A personality.  I also remember wondering the entire time “are we pregnant?”. The first time I thought for sure because I was having some unusual cravings and then I was having a few pregnancy symptoms but the test came out negative anyway. That was more heartbreaking than my boyfriend in high school saying I was boring and he wanted to date someone else. It was more heartbreaking knowing my body couldn’t do it. Then the second time we did the TWW and I felt nothing. Not one symptom. No tiredness. No nausea. Nothing. And sure enough the test was negative. The feelings of loneliness and depression have been sinking in lately. The holidays are coming and I’m wondering what the next few months will look like. I’m working as much as can without wearing myself out but all I think about is when it’ll be our time. It’s funny (not really) but I’ve been told that if this the path I’m walking and being guided down then maybe God is saying I don’t deserve to be a mother. I think that’s rude and harsh but that’s her opinion so I’m deciding to leave that there.We’ll start the IVF process at the very beginning of spring after the holidays. I’m looking forward to continuing fighting and going through hell and back.

For now, it’s ovulation kits, timed intercourse, and trying some wives tales on how to get pregnant.

Until Next Time


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Our Only Hope

This blog is a little deeper than I usually go. I’ve been talking with our doctor about the possibility of going back on Femara with the trigger shot next month because I’m finishing up my last few weeks on Lupron (Hallelujah!). We’ve been playing phone tag because this past week has been insane. Today I noticed the voicemail was a little longer than usual. I thought it was going to be good news when in reality it was crushing. They have come to the determination that no treatment other than IVF will allow us to get pregnant. Not one. Not a trigger shot. Not fertility meds combined with a trigger shot. Not even another IUI. Listening to this was crushing for several reasons. This means my clock is literally ticking. Ya know, like when you hear people say their biological clock is ticking and mine is. I am also hurt because I had to tell my husband. I called him right after I listened to the voicemail and told him I was sorry. I am sorry for not being whole. For not being able to do what my body is supposed to. And I know I keep repeating this statement but it’s true. I feel guilt. And every woman with endometriosis knows that their story will be a little different. Mine have always said I would have a harder journey because I only have one ovary and one tube. At this point in our journey I have become more realistic. I know with the amount of damage my body has gone through, four surgeries, my uterus being fused with my colon and the amount of pain I’m in now, they are right. I can try as much as I can but IUI’s are going to be a waste of money. For the time being we’ll get ovulation kits and see what happens on our own. They say I need to rest and keep thinking positive. But some days it’s hard; real hard. Like so hard I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to lay there and shut the world out. As much as I know there are people there for me, I am alone. There are so many women who can try to relate but they have children. They have been able to feel what it’s like to grow a miracle inside of them. I want that, just once. IVF is coming. However, it won’t be until after the holidays. I know it’s not going to be easy and so far I’ve conquered each obstacle that we’ve been faced with. I know that IVF is going to take a lot of patience, time, money, faith and I’m sure I’ll shed plenty of tears.

I’m not asking for your prayers or pity. I just want you to hug your children closer and tell them you love them a little more often. Because there are women like me who would literally give anything to just feel the love and bond it feels to be a parent.

Until Next Time