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We weren’t chosen…yet

Hello my darlings. It’s been a little bit since we’ve last seen each other. I decided to take a little hiatus from blogging to really work on me and center myself more. Now before we get  into this week’s topic I wanted to share a quote with you that I came across that is so powerful to me.

“You were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it” –Unknown

This quote isn’t extremely long, it’s just to the point and lets us all know that no matter what we have going on in our lives we are strong enough to take it on! I actually needed to see this quote because the last few days have been really hard. Friday I received the first email from one of the companies giving away grants to deserving couples who need the money to help fund their IVF treatment. The email started off great and they said our story was powerful and were one of the finalists, however, they chose another couple to get the $10,000 reward. Unfortunately, I have no idea about the couple who won, what their situation is like, how long they’ve been trying, how much money they’ve put into their journey or anything. I just hope and pray that they get their wonderful little baby they’ve always wanted. The bright side is that this grant company is ongoing, meaning even though we weren’t chosen now doesn’t mean we can’t be picked in the future. Since our names and story are already in the system we will automatically be re-entered into the next giveaway. Today I received a second email. This one’s tone was much more grim. Baby Quest is the one company I knew would be a long shot. They receive a ridiculous amount of applications and the more people hear about them, the more applicants they get. The email basically stated that at this time there are unable to gift us with a grant. They did encourage us to re-apply for their fall grant but it’ll be too late by then.  Right now we are going to regroup, think about everything and plan out the next few months.

The last blog I posted was about ten days ago. In that ten days a lot has happened. I had my first anxiety/panic attack, I broke down to Russell basically telling him he can do so much better and give him the family he always wanted, stayed up late thinking about my future and stressing the hell out of myself when I know that’s the last thing I want; especially since stress causes wrinkles and I don’t have time for wrinkles honey! So not being chosen has put me into this corner that I’ve not wanted to come out from. In these situations I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to get on social media for fear of seeing someone’s perfect little belly and wondering what that feels like. Some days I can’t function because the depression takes over my body making me sluggish and exhausted. Having endometriosis isn’t just not being able to have children, it’s having depression, chronic fatigue, anxiety and constantly crying. I honestly can’t tell you everything I feel on a daily basis because I could be super happy and the next thing I know Russell’s asking me if I’m okay because I’m crying. And let me remind you it’s the ugly cry face. I think I get so broken and all I want to do is snuggle up to my husband while he reassures me for the 500 millionth time that he isn’t going anywhere.   ** If you don’t already know I need constant reassurance from my husband that I’m not given a Razzie for being the Worst Wife of 2018.** I’m tired. I’m drained. I have little left to give and I feel like I am stretching myself beyond what I can handle and a breakdown is coming. There are certain things I can feel and a mental breakdown is one of them. Thankfully I start therapy Monday and maybe my breakdown will happen in her office so she can help me better understand how to control my feelings. It’s to the point I don’t want to be around my nieces and nephews because they are the reminder to me that I’m the black sheep in the family. Looking at their beautiful faces reminds me I may never have sweet mom moments when they want to snuggle, give you a kiss just because and watch them grow from babies to toddlers, taking their first steps and celebrating major milestones. (Please do not think I don’t love my nieces and nephews because I love them very much. What I am trying to convey is that because a few of ours are babies..my step sister has a little baby and my brother in law and his wife have a toddler; to me watching them create family moments and firsts together is very hard for me to watch…just to clarify) Most of the time my heart can’t do it. And the times we do go to functions I end up crying when we get home because I’m so heartbroken over our situation. I’m slowly getting better in some areas but most of the time I just pretend like I’m okay. Russell is so wonderful, rubs my back, listens to my crazy talk, and still wants to continue to be married to me. Throughout all of this I have learned a lot about myself but also my partner. He is understanding, patient, compassionate, sympathetic and loving. I’ve also learned there are many ways to love a person and he shows me each and every day how much he loves me by doing something so simple like telling me we are going to parents and we are going to be okay. Those little moments create big moments and those big moments help to continue building the foundation of our strong relationship. If there is anything I’ve learned it’s that something will always go on in life and I have to find a way to find the beauty in the toughest parts because I know there are a lot of women that feel like me but may not know how to talk about it or express their emotions.

Next week’s blog post will be dedicated to those caring for loved ones with an incurable disease and infertility. I’m going to give you some talking points to soothe a loved one when they are in need of some advice because someone who hasn’t gone through infertility doesn’t know exactly what to say without making the situation worse.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

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Rise like a Phoenix

“I believe every person has to go through something that absolutely destroys them so they can figure out who they truly are.” —unknown

 

I had no intention of blogging today because well, to be honest, nothing was really inspiring me. Until I was scrolling through Instagram, late at night like we all do, and I saw this quote. This spoke to the deepest depths of my soul. I can only speak for myself, but if I had to guess any woman going through infertility has felt this at some point in their journey. For me this is a constant struggle. The one thing I want more than anything in the world has destroyed who I am. It has changed me in a way I never thought possible. I never thought I’d be scheduling appointments to go to therapy because I can’t control my emotions when it comes to seeing baby announcements, pregnant women in public or the baby aisle in any store. I have to go to a therapist because every time I leave the doctor it’s heartbreaking, enough so that the anxiety I feel leading up to appointments or discussing our future plans is getting to be too much. I need to learn how to cope with how this disease has changed me. Each person has their thing and some probably wonder why I talk about this so much because I should be blessed with what I have. And I am. But two years ago when I had my ovary removed, unexpectedly and didn’t find out until I came out of surgery was the worst day of my entire life. The second worse day just happened; my OB telling me parts of my organs and uterus are frozen due to the build up of scar tissue. I wanted any surgery, which would have been the fifth. I know that sounds crazy but I wanted to have it done to relieve the pain for a little bit, buy some more time to get my affairs in order for IVF and be a little more pain free in the mean time. But when he said if we do one more surgery I’ll loose everything, that killed me. I don’t think I’ve had that one break down yet that will cause me to have a full on anxiety or panic attack but I feel it’s a matter of time. I remember calling my mom after the OB visit and telling her I didn’t know how I was going to get home because I was so upset. I will say my family has been monumental in getting me through some really bad days. My parents are amazing and just them calling to check on me means more than they’ll ever know. Most of the time I’m holding back tears because I know they worry enough and I don’t want them to worry any more than they have to.

The second I saw this quote I knew I had to write. I’m not fully at the place of knowing who I am but I’m pretty sure when this is all said and done I’ll know. I think I’m going to come out of this entire journey with a completely different outlook on life. I believe everything happens for a reason and our paths are pre-destined. I believe there are no coincidences in life and that everything happens because it’s meant to. As I’ve said before I’m not 100% religious but I do believe in the universe.

But in other news, we do have a plan for IVF this summer. And yes by this summer I mean we are going to go through the process, shots, transfer and all in the next two to three months. It’s going to be a whirlwind and it’s going to happen so fast. Since I’ve documented this far I’ve decided to document how the shots are going but have decided to leave transfer day (the day we implant the embryo or embryos) to ourselves. I’m not even sure we will tell our families when that day is but please continue to send all your love our way. We feel it. I feel it. And to everyone who has reached out. Thank you.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

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Does money bring you happiness?

There’s an age old question that keeps coming up in mind. Does money bring you happiness? For most things I am going to say no because life is all about making the most of your moments with your family, friends and those who find comfort with. I think it’s important to acknowledge that when we don’t see our loved ones we tend to be less happy, but when we see them, even if it’s just for an hour you feel better, lighter and happier. There is a but to this answer though. Wanting a child is tough and requires money and a lot of it.  For me, money is going to bring me happiness in the form of babies! Tonight Russell and I talked for a solid hour about our future, our time frame and what it looks like. We are planning on staying track to begin IVF in July!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya’ll this makes me so excited but I’m trying not to get too excited until there is a pregnancy to announcement. But the emotion of excitement overcame me and I just have this feeling that I’ll be experiencing that feeling more often in the near future. Having conversations with Russell about where we are in our relationship and our IVF journey are so easy. I mean talking to him is like therapy for real. We both just talk about what we want and immediately in those moments try to find and come up with a compromise if one of us wants one thing and the other wants another. I think that’s something we are really good at is being able to make the best decisions for us, our relationship and our future while being able to both get what we want too. I asked the question does money buy you happiness because there are those people that say yes, money brings me lots of happiness. But in my honest opinion those types of people have something else that doesn’t them happy. Not to mention money will be around when we die and we can’t take it with us so we might as well spend money on treating ourselves right. Take that weekend vacation with your spouse to reconnect because life can get so busy you may not always find time to sit down and recap your day or just have a conversation. I also think it’s important to have a girls trip every now and then because we do grow up and start our own lives. I want to make more of an effort in seeing them because that will help me with my emotions and re-establishing the friendships I have. Ya know I feel like I’m so open with you all and I’m able to share mostly anything about our journey. Money doesn’t bring me happiness, it pays bills and helps take care of the dog, every day things and fun things as well. But I don’t believe money can bring lifelong happiness but when it comes to IVF knowing what can happen then I believe money can bring you life long happiness. There are several reasons. 1. Being a mother and not being able to do that is heartbreaking. 2. Women who want it bad enough will explore every option possible before they get to IVF because it costs as much money as a car or a down payment on a home, a wedding, and many other things I can’t think of at the moment. Right now we are at the stage where we’ve been trying for over a year and half with not even one potential for a scare or inkling that I could have been. So it’s time and we are  ready. I’m so ready to turn the entire office into a nursery (okay okay that might be too soon but you get the gist of what I’m talking about). Finally to answer the question does money bring you happiness yes, when you are going for a goal that doesn’t seem obtainable or it is for a medical reason, like trying for a baby!

As always please feel free to keep sending those positive, prayers, texts, and calls because they are very uplifting for me and for Russell. The amount of support is overwhelming and we truly couldn’t thank you all enough for how wonderful you’ve been and allowing me to just talk to you about where we are in our journey.

Until Next Time

xoxo

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To My Mother In Law

Dear Debbie,

First, I want to say I love you. I know we’ve shared our ups and downs but we’ve come out stronger and closer because of them. Second, thank you for raising such a wonderful man, who happens to be my pretty awesome husband (no bias here). Thank you for raising a man who knows not just how to treat his wife but how to communicate with me when I’m being stubborn, spoiling the living crap out of me and loving me unconditionally. Thank you for raising your first born son to be the best man I know. Without you and your guidance throughout the years he would not have such a deep understanding of what marriage truly is.

Today was a hard day. I was looking forward to today for several reasons, one being that you got to see the amazing salon I have the privilege of going to and I wanted to show you that. I also wanted to pamper you too since this year has been a bit challenging. We had our day planned out and how everything would work. I’d go to my annual (which for those reading it was awful and very painful) and come get you and we’d go get our hair done together. While waiting for Dr. McCullough in those uncomfortable paper gowns I’m trying to center myself and keep the peace flowing within my mind. I kept trying to remain calm and mostly collected after the visit. After the exam Dr. McCullough started off with a sigh. I’ve known Dr. McCullough for a long time and I know when bad news is coming and let me tell you the news I received was heartbreaking. During my exam my uterus is tilted (which for me is normal) however there is no movement at the top or left sides of the uterus. This means those parts of my uterus are being enveloped in scar tissue. Naturally my next question was about doing a scope through my belly button to see how bad it is and address the situation. Without hesitation he said no because if we go in for surgery 5 there is a possibility I would lose my right ovary and tube. That’s not a gamble I’m willing to take. He apologized and said he hopes we are able to start soon and if we can’t we need to think about freezing my eggs so we have some banked. The scariest part was hearing that we have about three months to get this started. Three months is such a short span of time and we aren’t financially there quite yet.

Second, thank you for letting me have a complete meltdown in the car. I knew I was going to tell you how the appointment went because you know about all the appointments and how the end up. Each time I fight back tears because I  never want you to worry any more than you should and do. But today was different. I couldn’t hold it in. The reality of it all just came flooding down. The actual possibility that I may never bear children. I may never make your son a father, the one thing I want to give him most in this world. Sitting there driving I was trying to talk softer and explain what everything meant because the terms and way they describe things to me can be very confusing, add not having the disease and the knowledge gets lots very easily and things become confusing. I tried everything I could to avoid crying in front of you. I tried to hold back the tears and fight through them. But my anxiety took the best of me and it’s as if the flood gates opened. In that moment I was so thankful you just listened to me as I tried to speak coherent sentences. Thank you for just allowing me to grieve and cry. Moments like that are hard to be there for, especially when you know the disease is only getting worse from here. And I can’t thank you enough for telling me to keep having faith because I’m losing it. The more bad news we get, the less faith I seem to have. Debbie, thank you for always being there when I need advice on how to handle a situation or to simply listen. Thank you for always asking how I’m feeling and what you can do to help. Today was a tough day and without you there for comfort because I thought today was the day I’d have a panic attack and wouldn’t be able to get home. Today you saved me from going off the deep end. Today you did something most people forget by wanting to put their two cents in. You listened. Not many mother in-laws would just listen, they’d say “there’s always adoption or have you thought about a surrogate?” You’re the opposite, you speak the souls of our unborn children into the universe as if they’ll be coming any day. Your positivity, faith and love for our growing family are some of the qualities I not only love but cherish about you. Thank you for being such a wonderful woman and I thank the universe every day for allowing my path to cross with Russell’s. Thanks for being such a wonderful mother in law, I couldn’t have gotten any luckier to have you in my life, I love you.

Well friends that’s all I have for now and will continue to update as more things happen.

Until Next Time

xoxox

 

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I need help

There’s no other way to say it..I need help.  I briefly discussed in a recent blog that I am suffering from anxiety and depression related to infertility. I am asking for help for so many reasons. The first reason I am asking for help is to improve my quality of life. For example, today I couldn’t get out of this funk. I keep seeing people who are so happy with their pregnancies and this new chapter in their lives. It hurts me because I want that so badly and pregnancy is not something that is going to come easily for us. Today I shut down, I cried and slept most of the day. I think this is important for me to talk about because when people see me they see someone who is happy and always smiling, especially on social media. But what I don’t share on social media are the days I want to hide from the world. The days I just cry and ask Russell why this is happening. I cry because the amount of pain I’m is so overwhelming I don’t know how to alleviate it. The pain starts in my lower back and radiates up towards my shoulder blades. Today I was a flare and my stomach went from being normal to looking like I had a bowling ball under my shirt. It is so painful and I knew my bowels were inflamed and so were other organs like my colon. I know this because I’ve been through it so much that I know which organs are directly effected by my endo. Days like today are why I need help. I’m currently looking into seeing a therapist because I feel that’s the only way I’ll be able to deal with my life right now. I talk with Russell more than I talk with anyone but I am only adding to his stress level. I don’t think it’s fair to continue to talk about my fears, my sadness, my dark thoughts without seeking the help of a professional. I think my mental health state is very fragile right now and needs to be taken more seriously. I have opted out of taking medication because once we start IVF I’d have to stop so I would feel better just seeking the help of a therapist. This has taken me a long time to get to this place. I have felt lost for quite some time now. Being and feeling lost has nothing to do with not having support from my family, friends, husband, etc. I am lost because I can’t comprehend why my body doesn’t function like everyone else’s. I feel lost in a sense that I can’t connect with my friends that are parents. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I am also lost because I have no faith… not right now at least. I don’t believe the universe can fix this. I don’t believe anyone can fix this. And this is what I’m talking about. The negativity that just so easily comes out has to stop. I want to be in a space that no matter where I am or whom I’m talking to I want to be posiive, think positively. But I don’t right now. A lot of thoughts are why me? Some thoughts are why can’t Russell have a better wife? The man is perfect. He stops on the side of the road to help strangers fix a tire. I remember we were coming home from running some errands and the truck in front of us had some working materials falling out…they were long pieces of wood to build a deck with. The man stopped his car to put the pieces back in and Russell got out of the car to help him; he didn’t even think twice about it because that’s who he is. I love this man more than anything in the world. I’d give anything for him. But my negativity isn’t helping his stress level. He is already worried enough about me and the thought of IVF is stressful on both of us. I just know that if I talk with a therapist they can give me tasks to do that can help me when I’m in an uncomfrotable situation or a situation where I feel like giving up for the day.

I want to get back to the person I once was. The person who was fearless and thought she could do anything. I want to get back into volunteering and doing the things I used to do. But right now my anxiety and depression don’t allow me to do that. I realize I nee to help myself before I can help others. I know in the end this is going to be worth it and I know I’ll see a transfomration but it’s going to take some time to get there. As always please continue to keep Russell and I in your thoughts as IVF is quickly approaching.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

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Opinion Time!

Hello there! It feels like forever since I last wrote about anything, even though it’s only been a week. I decided to share with you all some huge news about the bracelet special we ran the last week. I had a goal of selling 20 bracelets. Twenty-five percent of the proceeds from each bracelet sold went to Resolve. Each year for Advocacy Day they want to bring light to issues those of us going through infertility face. They also talk about infertility in ways people don’t always think of, for example, male infertility and secondary infertility. Often times when we think of infertility we think of just women and they’d like to break that stigma and way of thinking. So many times women will get pregnant easily the first time and then have trouble when it comes to their second and third pregnancies. There are many factors and diseases that can cause secondary infertility, like PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome).  So I wanted to do something that could impact others or give others a meaning for buying something. I mean how often do you go into a store and spend a ridiculous amount of money only to realize you didn’t need what you bought? I also try to give back to other charities as much as possible. I thought it would be a great way to have something that others can not only pass along one day, but get to know Resolve too. There aren’t many organizations out there dedicated to providing information about infertility or providing information about support groups. I love that Little Words Project and their staff were able to help me with this mission. I also love that they let me personally pick the word, the color of the word and what beaded bracelet it would go on. The experience was amazing and I can’t wait to see what we were able to donate! If you didn’t get a bracelet, hold tight because we bring it back for an additional week sometime soon! For everyone who purchased one, again I can’t thank you enough for your kindness and generosity! I’m very humbled and overwhelmed by your love and support of me.

I feel like this is a safe space to share experiences that happen in my life. I haven’t been able to get something that happened to me out of my mind. An incident occurred a few weeks ago on social media. One of my best friends posted a status asking an opinion about something because she was trying to settle a debate she and her husband were talking about. I commented but didn’t use the right phrasing. Not even five minutes later I received a private message about how my opinion made me a hypocrite because I stated that I notice certain things about people having to do with outwardly appearance. The comment that was made in the private message was what had me confused. The person who sent it said I should know what it feels like to be judged since I’m a former beauty queen and it’s hypocritical of me to say that because I’ve been judged on my appearance in the past. I’m bringing this up for several reasons. I wanted to bring attention to everyone is entitled to their opinion. I also wanted to talk about how just because I’m a former beauty queen doesn’t really mean I don’t notice things about people. If anything being in the industry has given me a way better appreciation for the tribe of people I have to make me look and feel beautiful, special shout out to Ebony at Bombshell Beauty Bar for always making me look and feel amazing! I guess my question for you all is, should I not have commented on the post or can I say things that like. My friend was merely asking if people notice/judge others for the way their eyebrows look. She told her husband she needed to get hers waxed and he said do people even notice. In my comment I said I do notice/judge but I also did say judge has a negative connotation to it and I don’t judge someone in a negative way. Again, my comment was not to be malicious  but to simply say because of my background in the beauty industry it’s something I will probably always notice. My next question is, should I be more aware of how I say things because people are always going to be able to reference my time as Miss Captivating and I feel like I’m going to put on a higher standard than others who haven’t competed and won a title. I know there are times when I won’t always say the right thing and I learned a very valuable lesson through this conversation. I just didn’t know how any of you would have handled the situation any differently. Let me know because this is still on my mind about a week later! I just remember being bullied and called horrendous names while competing because others thought I wasn’t good enough. In the moment of commenting I wasn’t thinking about how the comment would come across to others.

Lesson learned: be careful how you use your words on social media.

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

anxiety, best friend, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, fashionista, foodie, growing, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, IVF, resolve.org, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, Uncategorized, Volunteer, voting, wife, women, women's issues

Mothers Day

Mothers Day is quickly approaching and the anxiety that is building is something I haven’t really experienced. Last year when we were going through the first steps of trying, which did include two rounds of Clomid and an IUI. All of it ended in a negative pregnancy test and really took an emotional toll on me. That’s when we both realized we needed a break. Our marriage was still new, and still is, and we wanted to take time to make sure we were both okay sitting down with Dr. K. and seeing what our options are. So IVF here we come! For now we’ll keep dates and things private but once we are ready to share what’s next I’ll let you all know! For now we are in the midst of going through Lupron so you can imagine the kind of “fun” that is right now. Thankfully warmer weather is coming it’s way and cooler treats will keep me from overheating.

The other aspect of this post is to talk about the Little Words Project ( LWP) with you and why I choose to be so brazen and send them an email asking if they’d be willing to help me reach out and create something I had in mind. When the email was sent it took less than 24 hours for me to receive a response. They said yes! I just had to pick the word and what color band it would be going on. Then I told them the charity and they were nothing short polite, sweet and generous, especially to someone I don’t know. I chose the word Strength for several reasons. If you look in the dictionary, you’ll strength as defined like this :

  1. the quality or state of being strong capacity for exertion or endurance

  2. power to resist force solidity, toughness

  3. power of resisting attack impregnability

These qualities really embody what it means to have strength. We all are strong in many ways we don’t know yet or may still be trying to figure it all out. Here’s the backstory on the bracelet that only lasts the next 2 days. This bracelet will close Friday because Little Words Project didn’t have to do this for us and they put together beautiful one. I wanted a word that could resonate with everyone because there are so many trying moments throughout our lives that I felt Strength was the perfect word. The bracelet I chose has special significance for myself. It is on a beaded gold bracelet. Gold represents the color of Endometriosis. So I wanted to tie in my specific infertility with each bracelet you all would be purchasing. BONUS! Little Words Project will be donating 25% of the proceeds towards Resolve. You guys this is amazing and I can’t wait to see how much we were able to give. If you are thinking of me or anyone else struggling with infertility please fee free to purchase a bracelet (link down below). I’d like to sell 20 by Friday night at 11:59pm. I hope you are willing to look at the page, even if you don’t plan on getting something now, there be a bracelet that speaks to you! The \\\O please go consider buy online and donatating to Resolve, The National Infertility Assocation. Their main goel so to prevent negative situations abouto womeh. They ant everyone to fall in line with tht they bup is ogtrrhttps://littlewordsproject.com/collections/give-back/products/infertility-awareness-strength-beaded-gold

Until Next Time

xoxox

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overwhelmed and anxious

I feel like me trying to express to you all that I’m overwhelmed is an understatement. Right now for instance I’m having a hot flash courtesy of the Lupron shots. And just so we are ALL aware for the 500th time hot flashes such and I really am sorry to the universe for making fun of my mom when she became menopausal. The hot flashes are seriously insane. When I thought of a hot flash I just thought that I’d get this warm sensation all throughout my body but no. It’s a full fledged fight against body and my mind because they know I’m not supposed to have these things happening. So how does my body react? Sweating…redness in the cheek and neck area, feeling like a burning or fire is trying to escape me, and the overall exhaustion it causes. This is a different place to be because while I’ve been here before because I just did a three month does of Lupron in July and I was lucky enough to go through hot flashes when the temperatures were going down. And I can attest to hating the summer like weather because for me it’s like summer times ten. The feeling endometriosis and the side effects bring to me are very overwhelming. So overwhelming I said to Russell ” Sometimes I feel like I can’t do this anything because of the pain I’m in”. What’s he supposed to say? He rubs my back and helps me stretch but in the end surgery gets rid of scar tissue and all the bad stuff…not permanently but for a period of time I can function normally. However, with my situations and circumstances it’s hard to know that every single day I’ll feel this pain until I have a full hysterectomy. Then comes the anxiety of wondering if July will really be it? Will we be able to pull off the financial responsibility this brings? Will this have to get pushed back another round or two of Lupron? Can I handle any more of it because right now I’m about to say eff this I’m done….but I can’t. If I want any chance at having a family it’s IVF or nothing. No more surgeries because I want one (for good reason.. we’ll get to that in a second).But f I were to have a surgery tomorrow and one slip, one wrong move, on cut that’s a little too far right or left and my endometrioma could rupture. This would leave me with 0 egg reserve and no chance for a child. So that’s not an option. So we are now down to our last hope. Trying to have a miracle baby, which I want more than you know. When Dr. K said I have depression it makes sense to me. This emotionally draining and heartbreaking things I’m going through feels like I’m going at it along because those who I’m close with don’t understand what it’s like to get ready for an IVF cycle. I’m scared shitless an we haven’t even started. I’m scared that I’ll be too simple or too over the top with my children. I feel like I’ll also be a helicopter mom. I even look up cute nicknames for my parents. My fave for mom is ‘Lita, short for abuelita and and I just think that fits her flare and sassiness. My dad is Papi (sounding it is paw-pi). Those are perfect for them lol But it’s those little things that I feel like no one should worry about but I do. I obviously cry a lot easier than normal because of infertility and sometimes I just want someone to text me and ask me how I’m doing…genuinely of course….but to just ask would mean the world to me. But most days I just want to curl up in a ball and just cry because for me to be in this place is somewhat embarrassing. It’s also hard to talk about and don’t even get me started on Mother’s Day. Blog to follow on that and all my feelings. Anyway, it’s just hard right now. Like so hard that endo can stop at any point or find something that would numb the pain. Until then I’ll be chatting in up about Mother’s Day in my next blog!

 

xooxox

anxiety, babies, beauty, black, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, husband, illness, infertility, IUI, IVF, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, Poverty, PUPO, reproductive health, resolve.org, sad, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, wife, women, women's issues

I See You, Do You See Me?

We aren’t going to delve deep into my brain today. I did have another blog prepared for today but decided I’d show you all a different side to me. I write poetry. Not for anyone to read but just for me. I’ve been writing since I was little. Whenever I would get frustrated or happy or sad I would write. I always had a journal and still do as an adult because I find it be very calming writing everything out before bed because then my brain isn’t going a mile a minute. I chose to share this piece with you because it’s special to and the first poem I’ve written in a while.  Writing is helping me get through this time and I think writing is going to help me with my anxiety and depression too.  That’s all for today’s post…. I hope you enjoy my poem

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

I See You, Do You See Me?

 

I see you over there

Running on the playground

Squealing on the swings with excitement

And hearing your innocent laughter

 

I see the way you look at her

It speaks of admiration, love and happiness

I see the two of you embrace

And I try to hold back my tears

 

But do you see me?

Not just my physical body

But the story my eyes tell

 

Can you feel somethings wrong?

Or wonder if the panicked look

Is me looking for someone?

 

The truth is I AM looking for someone

They just haven’t been made yet

 

I glance to see you two

Hand in hand heading home

Wishing to know what that loving touch feels like

Your small hand in the palm of mine as we walk back home

 

babies, black, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, depression, dreams, endometriosis, failure, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, IVF, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sad, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, wife, women, women's issues

Happiness

I feel like a lifetime has passed since the last time I wrote on the 6th. So much has gone on, yet so much hasn’t. Currently, I am still on Lupron. My back hurts every. single. day. Something that is concerning enough for me to have a visit with Dr. Karnitis on Monday. I’m sure we’ll talk about whats going on and how I’m feeling. At this point I am going to choose to move forward with getting the last two doses of Lupron because I feel it is better to have hot flashes and no sleep, than a cycle that literally reaks havoc on my body for days. I’m sure some of you want to know about our IVF journey and where that is taking us. One grant we applied to we were not selected. I was a little bummed but so many have applied so I understood we were likely not going to get selected. We also have one other application out and being reviewed by a board. We will not hear anything from them until mid June. There is one last grant that we actively applying for that is in our area. This one is a little special than the other ones. I’ve taken the reigns on all of the grants. Making sure the medical information is right and getting all the details down. I even wrote our bio for that grant. But this time Russell said he wanted to have more to do with the process and I was very happy to hear that. (Please don’t take that negatively because he’s been amazing throughout this process. He has a lot going on so to hear him say that was a genuine shock to me). For our grant that is local I am happy to say that Russell will be writing our biography. When it’s available I’ll probably share bits and pieces of it. This part is hard because we are now playing a waiting game with the other grant. Sound familiar? It’s like the dreaded TWW but waiting months. I’m impatiently waiting and stalking my email for any updates.

Russell and I actually had a conversation tonight that helped put some of my fears at ease. IVF is not guaranteed to work. You go into IVF blind, no knowing how many embryos you will get, how many will last, how many will stick and make it through a pregnancy. IVF is a numbers game and the numbers have to be on your side to work. This topic came up because we haven’t been as involved in our younger nieces and nephews lives lately. He said he doesn’t want people to think we aren’t around just because there is a baby there or I overhear conversations only mothers can relate to. I was honest and so open with him and said yes that’s part of the reason I dread going to places with family or anyone with small children. They are celebrating milestones that are amazing but deep inside I’m feeling guilty, sad, anger, and frustration because I never thought I’d have endometriosis. I never thought I’d have this disease that blocks me from having children. I want to be apart of those conversations. I want to know what it’s like to be so tired but so happy you get to watch this little human grow up right before your eyes. After I told him, without crying might I add (that’s a HUGE win for me!) he said our lives will go on together and we will find a new dream to create. Our ideal dream would be to leave everything behind but the girls and go to live in Hawaii.

My main concern always will be and always has been happiness. Will I be happy if I find out I’ll never be able to bear children. I’m not religious so I don’t pray. I don’t necessarily believe in God, but I do believe in a higher power in the Universe I just don’t know who or what that is. I think I’m on a path I’m meant to be on. I think I’m going down this path for a reason. But I wish I knew if this path would definitively lead me to motherhood because it’s all I’ve ever wanted.

If you have any questions please feel free to comment down below! I see we’ve added a few followers so my next blog will be a little get to know me!

Until Next Time

xoxox