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A Path to Nowhere

I just have to vent. If I don’t I may lose my mind. I wrote last month that the decision had been made for me to go back on another round of Lupron-Depo, aka, the Devil’s Juice. I called the clinic to make sure everything was ready to go and the documents could be faxed to CVS Pharmacy since that’s the pharmacy my insurance covers. Totally fine..everything was going according to my plan and then it just stopped. The doctor’s office was getting the run around from CVS and I was getting the run around from CVS. It took six weeks of frustrating phone calls, documents being faxed to the WRONG PLACE (this error was on CVS end for giving my doctor’s office the wrong number). So I’ve waited and waited and waited and waited and waited to hear back something. Finally, today after getting a call back from one of the nurses she said to call CVS and see what’s going on. Apparently the Lupron has been ready since last week. Add that to growing list of frustrations. So it looks like I’ll get the shot on Wednesday. So here’s why I’m mad.

I was supposed to get this shot at the beginning of February…. six weeks ago. This is going to push out our timeline SIX WEEKS!!! If anyone knows me knows I have a type A personality. If someone tells me a projected time frame that is what we go with, there is no changing it and whatever obstacles come we get through them. However, this obstacle doesn’t have enough time. Now I don’t know what we are looking at. If I had to guess we’d beginning everything in July and go from there. It’s too late to me because I had this idea but as I am learning I am not in control here. I am at the mercy of time. Part of me is getting very tired and frustrated because this doesn’t just affect me, it affects Russell too. I just feel like I’m continuously failing him, us. I’m just so mentally exhausted by it all sometimes. Then I think of hard this journey is about to get. I mean think about it. Lupron turns me into a heat flashing, cry on the spot, irritated and menopausal person. She is no fun to be around. Then we go right into all the drugs. Birth control for one week, another Lupron for a week, and then the shots go in there somewhere. So at this point my body is really prepping itself to hold a baby(ies). Then the transfer and fingers crossed we are able to get pregnant that day.  And again, I have no idea when this will happen but that’s the order of how it will go because my favorite nurse explained it all out to me. I think that’s another aspect that I’m frustrated with is that we have been going down this path for so long and right now it just seems to be leading to no where. The last six weeks were a literal run around. I have wanted to scream, pull my hair out and cry.

I’m not even gonna lie either, today I had a why me day. Why can’t we just have one? What’s so wrong with wanting just one? I have tried making deals like if the Universe will grant us one crazy awesome miracle baby I won’t push for more. What’s wrong with wanting something that I’ve always wanted to be…a mother. Seeing my mother and how she raised us really impacted me. I also think when you are the product of divorced parents like I am, you almost have to grow up a little faster because mom needs help. I remember when my mom was going to night school, my little sister was a baby and my mom had me, Daniella, and Alex. Those were the times I had to step up and help my mom because she had to study. It was during that time that I found out my passion for wanting a family of my own one day. Then when Russell and first met and I mean just exchanged pleasantries, I knew he was the one. Did anyone else just get that feeling when you first met your significant other that they were going to be your forever? (Also, fun fact…before Russell and I started dating I made a few friends come stalk him with me! It was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done. That sounds horrible but I promise it was all in fun) Anyway, Russell and I would have deep conversations early on in our relationship. Because you have to remember that Russell and I were “dating” at first and getting to know each other before making things official. I remember one night we were talking on the phone and I asked him about having children. He said at a very young age he wanted to have a family. He saw his mom and dad kick ass at being teenage parents and he wanted the same. He just said he hadn’t found the right person to have children with. And as our conversations kept going he said he wanted a large family, 4 or 5 kids. I wanted the same! In a way I feel like I’m crushing his dream of becoming the father he always wanted to be. Infertility isn’t just a bitch to go through, infertility is heartbreaking. Infertility is emotional. Infertility is hard. Being an infertile woman in the prime of her life sucks. So today I say why me because in this moment our path seems to be going around in pointless circles.

Until Next Time


p.s. what have you done for endometriosis awareness month??

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How Stella Got her Groove Back…

Did you know that it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month? This month I hope to blog as much as possible about the stories of women with endo. I want to focus this month specifically on working with women and sharing their stories on how this disease has changed their life, for the good, the bad and the ugly.

Today’s story is about my friend and endo-sister Stella. Stella looks like a girl trying to live her dreams, however, Stella has a not so secret secret; she has endometriosis. Stella, like most women, had a very difficult time getting diagnosed. The doctor (whom shall remain nameless) diagnosed Stella as having stage one endometriosis Stella was told that she would have to have a laparoscopy in order to get her endometriosis under control. For any woman that hears the word “surgery” we get a little nervous and have a thousand questions.  We also need time to process what is going on, figure out how this is going to affect our every day lives and if surgery is really going to work, especially when the first time is always the scariest one because you don’t know the impact it will have on you and those around you. For Stella she became scared of the surgery and put it off for a little while. One day in 2016, while thinking about the surgery a huge pressure spike was happening her abdomen. What Stella was experiencing was a rupturing cyst that was leaking fluid into her abdomen. She was seen by the same OB but instead of being sympathetic to her situation and finding a treatment plan, she did the “I told you so routine” and kept making Stella feel guilty for wanting time to think about a major surgery. What most don’t know is that you sign an waiver when you get to the hospital. The doctors have no idea what they are going to find once they actually see what your uterus and surrounding areas look like. That waiver we sign is to giving them permission to remove parts of our reproductive systems if they will do harm to us in the future. I understand one hundred percent why someone would want time to weigh the pros and cons of the surgery. One month later Stella decided to have her first laparoscopy. During that first laparoscopy her OB found that the ovary with the ruptured cysts was adhered to her abdomen and she had found endometriosis in other areas of her body as well. At the time of this surgery she was diagnosed with stage 1 endometriosis. However, come to find out later she was misinformed by this OB and is now seeing a specialist who can help her get back on the right track and really figure out what stage she has. Knowing what stage you are prepares you for a lot. Each stage has different symptoms and each stage affects your body differently. If women want to preserve their eggs they need a way to figure out how to do that and when because the clock on having good eggs is running out and fast.

Stella has always known something was off with her cycle. Since she was 14 years old she thought, like the rest of us, that this is how a period is. She just lived with the best way she knew how and her best friend had the same symptoms so they had each other to go through this with. It wasn’t until the last few years when things started to escalate.

This disease takes a hold of everyone in your life and unfortunately some are not strong enough to stay with us. Often times when a woman is sick a lot, it can be hard for man. Not just because his needs aren’t being met but the needs the couple has aren’t being met. As a couple you have goals, dreams, and many milestones you hope to accomplish together. Stella thought she would have these things in her ex, but then things started to slowly change. At the beginning of her diagnosis her boyfriend was there for her. One of the things she said is that she had been incapacitated for three months before her first surgery. At the time her boyfriend was telling her he’d always be there for her and take care of her for the rest of their lives if he had to. He was that support guy who would be there for when she just needed a day filled with relaxing and binge watching their favorite shows on Netflix. But slowly a shift was taking place. She could feel it for a while and didn’t address anything right away. After all they were making plans to move in together and that’s a huge relationship step. That step means you are willing to make a commitment to be there for one another, in good times and in bad. Stella noticed things started to change after her first surgery; he would just not be be present and he wasn’t there as much and she had to force him into spending time together. Sadly, the shift in the relationship was too strong because in July when Stella started to do better after her second surgery, right before her birthday he broke it off. He was telling her a bunch of nonsense like excuses to get himself out. But the one thing he said that she’ll never forget is ” I can’t handle being with someone who has this kind of chronic health issue”.

The constant back, hip, and leg pain (which is common areas pain for women with endometriosis) were just too much to handle. After this last relationship Stella has put dating on hold.  A lot of times women with endometriosis are too tired to do normal things, let alone date. She has no sex drive, which is another common factor when having endometriosis. So for now dating is a no go. However, her friends  and family have been her constant. They are unconditionally supportive and understanding, although Stella’s been more isolated since her endometriosis seems to have escalated a bit. Stella’s self confidence has been affected as well. She feels like there’s something wrong with her, like her body is defective. This has a ripple effect because she has trouble going on and being social because of her self-esteem issues.  Throughout these highs and lows her family is there through it all. They are the biggest support for Stella and she doesn’t know what she would do without them. They are there for her in times when she needs them the most. To say she loves them and she’s grateful for them would be an understatement.

I wanted to share Stella’s story with you all because it’s profound. She has exhibited a fighter’s mentality and continues to fight every day for her happiness, health and peace of well being. Stella is an amazing woman who deserves nothing but the best. I know she has had some major trials throughout her endometriosis journey but she is going to come out the other side of this dark tunnel a winner. She will conquer all the goals and dreams she has and so much more. She has a huge and wonderful support system. She is beautiful, kind and thoughtful. Endometriosis doesn’t define her, it’s just apart of her. Stella is a warrior that continues to fight every day and I am grateful to know her.


Please remember it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month and if you have any questions regarding endo or want more facts please ask!

Until Next Time








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What Are The Odds?

“Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart that you’re meant to do”.


Can we talk about the failed IUI’s we went through last year? For some reason they are on my mind. I’ve been thinking of why we aren’t pregnant yet. For those that are new to my blog I’m very anal retentive and I want things to happen the day I manifest a dream, or want something. I think back to that awful process of going into the room and going through all these steps while Dr. Karnitis administers the sperm as far in my uterus he could. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. Five minutes later I left the office and the dreaded two week wait began. But I feel like I am living a permanent two week wait. I have ovulation tests and pregnancy tests in bulk. Each month I know when we should have an idea or time frame we should try. When I start my period I know there isn’t a point to taking a test because my cycle started. Each time that has happened I just try to hide as much as possible.  I am continually going through a two week wait because after we try I try really hard to stay organized and busy because if I don’t I just wonder if every little symptom could  make me think I was pregnant. But waiting on the Lupron has been the worst waiting game. We all know I hate this medication but it’s my only option if we want to move forward with IVF. Once the injection happens I’ll be doing a 90 day countdown to finally begin IVF. We are getting there. We are getting so close but we are still so far away. I need to apply for the scholarships and grants. I know that things aren’t going to go the way I plan but I just hope we’ll be able to have children. I can tell you the yearning I have for a child continuously grows.  But one day, 90-ish, to be exact we start our IVF journey. Maybe I’m just in a funk because I’m having a flare up and I’m exhausted but I just have to keep pushing. The quote at the beginning is to help me see the big picture. When we first walked into Kettering Reproductive Helath, they said it would nearly impossible for me to bear a child. But at our last visit Dr. Karnitis said my AMH levels are very low but with all the meds my body is slowly improving and I’m hopeful that we’ll be able to have a few babies, freeze a few more and be able to have more children. I have a plan but as I’ve learned over the last two I’m going to go with the flow and work on my perfectionist personality. There are so many things I’m scare of and so many things I’d love to share bu right now I’m exhausted.

Until Next Tine



Also, linked below is a girl I follow on Youtube, Instagram and Facebook. Her name is Carissa. She struggles with infertility. I’m glad to know I can watch her videos and completely 100% understand how she feels and what she is going though. We’re both in a club that we had no intention of joining and I wish I could change that for the both of us.











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Patience is a Virtue

“Good relationships are not just about the good times we share; they’re also about the obstacles you go through together and the fact that you still say ‘I love you’ at the end” ——-Unknown

I’ve been finding quotes that I think go along with the topic I’ve chosen for my blog post. I posted last week about grief and the quote chosen just spoke to me, just like this quote does. I chose this quote because I wanted to talk about my husband, Russell in this post, so this one is dedicated to you babe!

Russell and I met in October 2007 and began dating in July 2008. So we are coming up on our 10 year anniversary! Where the heck has the time gone? He has been with me through my awful migraine days when I can’t get out of bed or look at any lights or hear sounds because it makes things worse. He has cleaned up more vomit than I’d care to admit and he has been amazingly patient and positive during this hard time in our lives. When you find out you have an incurable disease you want to curl up and cry. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had my fair share of coming home crying because the answers to my questions from my doctors were not what I wanted to hear. He would also hold me while my face is buried in chest sobbing. He picked up when after two rounds of Clomid and two negative pregnancy tests devastated me he was there to snuggle me and tell me everything would be okay. He even told me that after two failed IUI’s we’d be just fine and we’ll have a family before we know it. I mean honestly, does it get any better than this????

The quote above talks about how relationships need to evolve and grow. Having a disease that is unpredictable can be hard. It’s hard to make plans and do things because I could flair up and down and out for hours or just minutes…you just know with endo. I remember last year Russell and I were on our way to a Reds game and my lower back started hurting really bad. I thought to myself while I was getting dressed that everything would be okay and I could make it because that was our date night! We didn’t even get to highway before we had to turn around and go back home because I couldn’t take the pain. I started to get upset because I ruined date night. There was another incident at Fleming’s about a year ago. We were having our monthly date night and I was feeling so bad. I didn’t way much and boxed my food. At the time I was taking all the medications and they were making me feel sick. Russell picked up that I wasn’t feeling well and asked for our food to be boxed so he could take me home. It was the sweetest gesture because to me that’s an example of chivalry. ( #chivalryisnotdead) One last incident where I wasn’t feeling well we were at dinner at Carvers. Now this was probably a year and half ago. I started to feel like I was getting a migraine but I took my imitrex in hopes that it would work before we left for dinner. Not really. The music, lights, all the noise…I thought  my head was going to explode. We ordered food because I thought I needed something to keep my hydrated and something to coat my stomach and get back to normal. As dinner progressed I have to excuse myself a few times to the ladies room because I was throwing up. Once Russell saw my face he said we were going home and he would save my dinner for tomorrow. He finished eating at home.

I never thought I’d be married to such a great man. He is the calm to my crazy and the light on my bad days. Today I had a bad day and there he was taking care of me like usual. I love this man so much and can’t wait for the day I can give him some babies to love on!

Until Next Time


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PGS Testing–Should we or shouldn’t we??

I wouldn’t be able to end the week properly without some sort of post and the usual me complaining about my pain levels. I worked a shifted that literally kicked my ass and I feel like I won’t fully recover from this shift until Monday. Then another long week since its Valentines’ week. So by next Saturday I can’t imagine how I’ll be feeling. Until then let’s chat.

“No matter how tough and scary the storms get, you will make it through” –unknown

This quote is rather fitting because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of the what if’s are popping up too. Ya know just the other day I was wondering what the next three months with a cycle and Lupron would be like. Would I end up coming out of that end a loser or a winner? Now, this situation is never going to happen because my Lupron has been approved by insurance and will arrive within the next week. So bring on the countdown to when I can feel back to normal and we start our IVF stuff. I’m not gonna lie I’m a little scared. This entire process is terrifying. I’ll never forget sitting in Dr. Karnitis’ office and he explained the entire procedure to use. It made me feel a little scared I don’t know how many embryos we’ll be able to freeze after they implant the number we do want. Then I don’t know if they’ll make it to stick. From there will they split? Will they remain their single bodied selves waiting to grow. I’m literally wondering right now where baby stuff would fit into my house. (I have officially lost my mind) And I can honestly tell you it’s things like that that are bothering me. Yes, I’m going to have to give myself shots in my belly, but remember I’ve done that twice before and I know it burns.

So here’s the one thing I’m not so sure about. There is a process when the embryos are made and are getting ready to come back into my body. Do we test them? Or do we go with my gut and not do it? The test is a PGS, preimplantation genetic screening. Refers to removing one or more cells from an embryo to test for chromosomal normalcy. I struggle with this because I do believe in a high power of the universe. I believe this higher being to be in control of my babies. My Reiki specialist has had dreams of my grandmother holding the souls of my daughters until they are ready to come live with us! I believe in the spiritual power and one that you try not to “fix”. However, if we have to go to these lengths to have a baby why not take the chance? Taking one cell out of the embryo won’t change them in any way. I guess I need to do more research and consult our doctor because everything has be finalized before May arrives. And I just realized May is going to creep up very quickly, after Valentines day we basically have one week left in February, then its March and we are talking about Endometriosis Awareness Month, and celebrating St. Patty’s Day. Then it’s April where we play tricks on people because its hilarious and singing April Showers Bring May Flowers. Then before you know it youre that person singing that song in MAY!

I would appreciate all the love and positive thoughts, feelings and hugs our way. The journey isn’t over yet…it has only just begun

Until Next Time




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Hello! Hello! Hello! Welcome to this week’s edition of I have endometriosis and we are no closer to finding a cure and we still do not have proper drinking water in Flint. All I’m saying here before getting into my blog is that some things take a while to figure out, however, the water situation is what worries me because I feel like there should have been able to come up with a  solution on it but instead we never hear about it. Any who, let’s jump right into this weeks topic: grief.

“Infertility is a loss of a dream. It’s the loss of an assumed future. And, like every loss, it will be grieved.” –Unknown

Today I grieved. I grieved alone because sometimes that’s what is best for me in the moment. I don’t always grieve alone but if I need to talk to Russell he is there and so are my friends. Without them as my shoulders to cry on I would have completely gone insane by now. Today started out just fine. I always get up last because Russell goes to work so early so I get to sleep in on my days off, which by the way is amazing, and I’m very thankful he lets me get the rest I need. I know he’s gone to work because he’ll give me soft kiss on the forehead and say I love you. Then off he goes. The girls and I get an extra hour and two to rest. Now I don’t always fall back asleep so we may catch up on Housewives, Scandal, HTGAWM, or put on a movie. After we are ready to get our morning going I feed the girls, brush my teeth, decide if I’m going to look like a crazy person or just a normal person with bad style. Today I opted for a pair of shorts with a sweatshirt (which I’ve always hated!) And for those that know anyone with endometriosis just getting dressed sometimes is a HUGE accomplishment. I don’t check my phone right away just because I know I’m going to have check my email and of course who can resist getting on their phone and NOT checking Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat? No one. I’m sitting down at my surface getting ready to see what happened since the Superbowl ended and it came out today that Matt Patricia is coming the Detroit Lions as our 43rd head coach! Can’t wait for a great year and hopefully some deep playoff runs and maybe a Superbowl?? Anyway, I’m super off topic now. So I’m scrolling through Insta and see that Kylie just gave birth to a girl (reportedly her name is Butterfly and I really hope its a joke). Then another news cycle posted a photo of Kylie and Khloe pregnant together. Then I see Chrissy Teigen and her adorable bump. Then I see Kelly Stafford with her twin girls. Lastly, I saw Tia Mowry-Hardrict flaunting that beautiful bump and more glowing than I’ve ever seen. And ya know Jessie James Decker and all her perfect bump pics just take the cake. I know Chrissy and Tia know what it’s like to have infertility issues. I just hope that each of these women understand what women like me feel like. I’m not sure how many people saw it but I posted on Instagram some thoughts that were running through my head. I was holding back tears like a pro and couldn’t believe I did it. This journey is so hard. I beat myself up daily about anything and everything. For instance, Russell and I were watching Tin Cup, one of our favorites, and he saw a shirt that Rene Russo happened to be wearing and it’s ironically back in style. He said you’d look so cute in that. I appreciated the compliment but I was like no I tried on something similar but it just made me look fatter than I already do. Of course being my husband he rolled his eyes. I’m self conscious, I hate the way my body looks, I’m terrified if I have to get in a bikini, I can’t wear crop tops because they hug the parts of my body that I don’t want accentuated. Today I realized I’ve lost myself. I feel like I’m asking for help but people are too busy to answer or call back. Most of my friends have kids so I understand they have to be home for them. My other best friend is in the middle of wedding planning and I know how much fun that was so I’m trying to allow her to focus on herself and her day.

One more quick story about how my day was just reminded of infertility and what steps you go through to get pregnant. We watch a show called the Good Doctor on ABC. It is phenomenal. One couple who is in their 40’s are trying to get pregnant but they can’t because there is an abnormality and they need another test. The husband starts blaming his wife for waiting too long because she wanted to open her own business and earlier he was traveling and teaching so they had no time. Plus, she made the point she was going to go raise a child with a nanny. When they went back to the doctor she said I’m sorry but your semen analysis shows a low count. I kind of had a feeling it was him because some men had more infertility problems than we can think of. During the couples  visit they were using terms only a couple who has gone to an reproductive endocrinologist would know those terms. I rattled off 10 terms and Russell was like they said everything we’re about to do. The only thing they didn’t mention was the Clomid and Ovidrel shots. Again, two not so fun medications. I turned to look at Russell and I said I feel their heartache and they’re just actors. But I feel them because we are living with this. He said I know but each day is going to be better than the last. I’m very grateful for him and hope that I can repay him for taking such great care of me the last few years that I’ve been sick.

So this brings me to my final point about being able to grieve. Several friends have said it’s okay to not be okay. The first time I hear that I was like who says that? I’ve realized I can only take so much. Some days are better than others but today was just hard. That feeling I have to be a mother crept back in and doesn’t want to leave. Part of me doesn’t ever want it to leave. May seems so far away but I hope these next few months can fly by so we can get this show on the road.

Until Next Time


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The Story of Brittany and Zak

This blog is a little different than most blogs I do. All of the blogs I write are about me and how endometriosis has changed my life, how I’ve changed because of the disease and other topics. But today we are focused on a different couple: Brittany and Zak Ingraham. They are newly married and trying to navigate their life through endometriosis and infertility.

Brittany and Zak met at Wright State University in UVC class their freshman year. They dated briefly but nothing serious came out of the relationship. They remained friends on social media and even stayed in contact when Zak moved back home to Georgia after college. One weekend Brittany decided to go visit some family in Tennessee and knew Zak wasn’t too far away in Georgia; she invited him to come for a visit and although he was hesitant he drove the couple hours to visit her. The second he got out of the car he knew something was different and felt an instant connection. They began their long distance relationship with countless trips of driving and flying to see each other. In March 2017 he popped the question and of course she said yes and 6 months later they were married!

Children was something they had talked about before. They wanted two biological children and they also wanted to adopt a child because it is something they both feel so passionately about. But things were about to change everything.

Brittany started her cycle when she was 8 years old. For a girl that’s fairly young. She would double over in pain at daycare because the cramps were so bad. Her friends couldn’t understand why she was in so much pain because they had not yet had their periods. This type of pain went on for years. Brittany would skip class, extracurricular activities, and social activities because she was in so much pain. She thought the pain was normal; that this is what it was like to become a woman. Eventually Brittany went to see a Nurse Practioner from an OBGYN’s office. She just said Brittany had severe periods and birth control could fix it. She tried several birth control methods over the years and nothing helped; the medication only made things worse. Her sophomore year she gave up on all her medications. The period pain came back and was so intense she has to skip class again, skip work and do anything she could to relieve the pain. She even tried changing her diet and exercise. Nothing. Then one day she had this feeling and went searching on the internet. She typed her symptoms into WebMD. Brittany keeps researching and something keeps coming up–the word endometriosis. One night Brittany was double over in so much pain she was screaming. Screaming to try to relieve the pain. Screaming because in her mind she didn’t know how to get rid of the pain. Screaming because she was helpless. Finally after hours of writhing in pain her father gave her a muscle relaxer in hopes of helping her. After this horrific incident Brittany goes back to the nurse practioner and tells her I think I have endometriosis. She told her her symptoms and the nurse gave her three options. 1. Get pregnant 2. Have an ablation 3. Start Mirena (a birth control pill) She has heard good things about Mirena and decided that would be best since she wanted children (at this point Brittany isn’t married yet). November 2016 the birth control doesn’t seem to be working because her pain isn’t going away. She was bleeding all the time or spotting with no pain relief. The nurse kept telling her the pain would be managed if she rotated tylenol and ib profen. Now anyone who knows this disease knows those two medications won’t touch endo pain. Brittany hasn’t been able to enjoy much because the pain is never ending. Holiday season 2017 was hard for her. She didn’t feel like she could truly enjoy the time she has with her family because the pain was getting in the way. That’s when she reached out to me and asked me my story. I referred her to my OB at Oak Creek because he has done all four of my surgeries and he referred us to KRH and Dr. Karnitis. I owe everything to Dr. McCullough and his staff for helping me in my time of need. Dr. McCullough said he was 90% with Brittany’s symptoms she had endo.

January 8 she would find out that she had an endometrioma on her left ovary and it ruptured. You all know that I have an endometrioma on my right ovary. They are blood filled cysts and if they aren’t monitored or rupture they cause excruciating pain. She has emergency surgery to remove the blood that had filled in her abdominal cavity and left tube. She is now home recovering from a traumatic experience.

Brittany and Zak have a five year plan but realize their plan may have to become a two or even three year plan. Brittany is very optimistic and realizes she isn’t given anything she can’t handle. She has a very strong faith and knows that God has a path and destiny for her and her husband. Her husband Zak is her shoulder to cry on, her ear to talk to, and her inspiration through tough times. They realize that everything is in God’s hands and they will honor Him by following His plan. They know that they are protected by Him and His grace. God brought them together and he will bless them with a family when it’s the right time for them.

I’ve always believed that a woman with endo is extra strong. She knows how to get through situations that seems impossible. She gets knocked down 9 times and stands up 10. She is a warrior. I hate that Brittany and her husband are going through this but I feel peace knowing they have such a strong relationship and faith. They can get through anything and I know they’ll overcome this with grace. Please keep them in your thoughts as she is still in recovery and on the mend.


Until Next Time


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Just When You Start to Feel Alone…

There’s this group on Facebook called Endometriosis and Me. I stumbled across the website and noticed that the women there seem so connected. And not in the everyone is connected on Facebook way, but that much deeper connection, is the type of relationship these women are in. At the time of me looking for a group to join I needed a group like this. For the last year I’ve been pretty quiet. I only ask questions that are really concerning or to get medication advice from these women.  I have never met any of these women but for some reason I feel like we are bonded and connected by this disease. This disease is awful and with doctors and big pharma it will continue to take on average 10 years before a woman is diagnosed with this disease.

And can we talk about these women? These women are some of the strongest women I’ve ever “met “in my life. They share their stories. They share when they’re having a tough day. They share when they can’t get out of the house and do something normal because when this disease grabs hold of your body it doesn’t let go. We make plans only to cancel them last minute because we don’t feel well or can’t seem to move out from our fetal position on the floor with the heating pad wrapped around our bellies. These women really, truly, understand what the saying ‘the little things matter’ means. Our little things are small victories like getting out of bed, showering, putting on real clothes, no leggings and a sweatshirt, real decent clothing. Our little things are getting through the day without feeling a stabbing pain at some point in your stomach, back, or pelvic area. For me my wins include putting makeup on on a day when I’m not working; cleaning the entire house without feeling like I’ve been hit by a train going 100 miles per hour. Small victories can get us throughout the day but not always.

There are some days when you’ve accomplished a few things but in your mind it’s not enough. That’s where having a person who supports you is so important. In the group, Endometriosis and Me I asked the girls to share their story of who their person is. A few girls said they are single and live alone so they don’t have a person. These women also mentioned how hard dating is with endometriosis, which I can’t even imagine since dating seems to be the worst thing to want to do right now, endo or not. But, Crystal’s story really got me emotional. She talked about her boyfriend and how much he has been able to get her through this. She said her journey has been especially hard. But he is there for her. He lays in bed with her and they do Netflix marathons, while snuggling and eating popcorn. She is going through the depo shot and I pray she doesn’t experience all the awful things I did. She mentioned how he rubs her feet, draws her relaxing baths, and goes to all of her appointments because he knows how bad her anxiety in doctor’s office settings are for her. There’s something that can happen along the journey of going through endometriosis. We as women start to think we aren’t pretty enough or good enough for our partners. Her story and testimony are why strong relationships exist. Her story is a true example of true love. When a woman is diagnosed with endo and their partner finds out there is a possibility they may never have children it’s scary. Don’t think for one second that I wasn’t telling Russell to never leave me. In fact, after my left ovary and tube were removed, during our engagement, I told him I would understand if he wanted to be with someone who didn’t have endometriosis, who could give him everything he wants in life. But he said he will always choose me and I am forever grateful for my husband and his decision to help me fight this. Every woman you talk to will have a different story on who their person is. But usually it’s the person who is there for them most and takes care of them. For me, my person is my husband because even though he’s sick right now he’s making sure I have enough pillows and blankets to keep me warm. He is my angel sent from heaven.

To all the girls out there who feel alone, like we all do at times, let’s connect! Leave a comment with your social media and we can be friends, even if it’s just the kind of friends to talk about who shitty endo is. And if you have a story to share of your person I’d love to hear about it! Connect with me on Facebook or Instagram or on here! And please remember your self worth and value are more than what this disease makes you think.

Until Next Time


babies, blogger, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Crazy Questions People Ask

I know this blog is titled ‘crazy questions people ask’ but this blog is just a question I was asked tonight that I didn’t have the answer to. It took a lot of thought and I’m still up at almost 3am thinking about it so I thought I’d put into a blog…or rather throw this onto the page and see what happens.

So for starters I’m always taken aback at people’s questions. Like the normal one I get is ” when are you going to start having kids?”. First, I want to make it very clear that each couple is different. Some people don’t want to have children. Some have a plan in place that doesn’t require them to be in a rush. Some are still teetering on the idea of having children but financially aren’t sure they want to. Some want to travel and live life first. Some want to start right away. No matter what a couple chooses to do I think it should be respected and not harped on. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering where this is all coming from. (Disclaimer * I’m not upset by the questions people ask about infertility…but sometimes it’s tough to answer strangers questions). I got to talking to a table who commented on my ring. I told them our wedding story, where we got married, yada yada yada. I didn’t mention children because it’s hard for me to talk about. All of a sudden at the same they asked, “you’ve been married for a little while when are you going to start trying for a family? I told them my husband and I are hopefully adding to our family soon but I have fertility issues and we are seeking treatment from a specialist. That’s just my standard answer because I don’t know exactly when things are happening and let’s be honest, I’m not telling strangers when my baby is going to be made by my specialist. I’m pretty sure we aren’t telling anyone when that day is because I don’t want to be asked a thousand times if we’re pregnant before we’re ready to share the news. * getting back on track now* All of the sudden the wife asked me what it’s like to be infertile. This is the question that has me up thinking about the last 3 years. I told her it’s tough but I manage. That each day has it’s own challenges but with the help of our doctor and his team I know we’ll have children I just don’t know when.

I didn’t get into any specifics with them because that’s personal and unless you’re family or one of my close friends, you know what I’m going through and what we need to do in order to have children. But this has me thinking, like what is it really like being infertile. I’ve compiled a list of words I can think of that describe what being infertile is like.

Heartbreaking. Challenging. Embarrassing. Tough. Sad. Frustrating. Agonizing. Hurtful. Failure. Lost. Depressing. Tiring. Damaging. Stressful. Aching. Bitter. Pessimistic. Optimistic. Doubtful. Hopeful. Somber. Anticipative.

There’s so many more words I can think of to describe what being infertile is like. I literally want to cry every day because the yearning I have for a child just grows each day. Each day is one day closer to children but it’s also a reminder that not being on Lupron means the disease is growing back. And what point will it wipe out my entire system? Exactly how much time do we have? All I know is that we may be able to squeeze in two pregnancies and then I’m done (which is ironic because I always joked with Russell that he’d have to get snipped but looks like he won’t have to now hehe) There are so many times during the day where I wonder off in my thoughts and just think why? But there isn’t an answer. And I know 1 in 8 women are going through this… some just now finding out while others are years, if not decades, into their journey’s. I’m just grateful for a husband who supports me and takes care of me as much as he does because being newlyweds we should be adventuring instead of buying heating pads and looking up ways to relieve endo flare ups. But this is the path we are meant to be on. I can’t say I’m 100% grateful for the journey yet but one day I’m sure while looking at my children, all the blood, sweat and tears (literally) to get them here will all be worth it.

So here’s to being asked questions that make me delve deep into my emotional self to answer what it’s like to be an infertile women.

Until Next Time


abortion, babies, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, husband, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, married, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Question and Answer Session

I wanted to change up the blogging aspect of this post. Lately it’s been about our journey towards IVF and I am so grateful to be sharing that with you but I wanted to see what questions you all had and I can answer them for you! So here we go!!

Q: What is Endometriosis? I’ve never heard of it.

A: Endometriosis is a condition where the layer of tissues that normally covers the inside of the uterus grows outside of it. Basically, when a woman has her period each month the lining is supposed to shed; it doesn’t and comes back to gets stuck to parts of our body that we need, like our ovaries, fallopian tubes, and other organs but is is very rare for it to spread to other organs.  There are also four stages of endometriosis, stage 1-4. I have stage 4. I am one of the unlucky girls because my endometriosis had spread to colon. More on that in another question.

Q:What symptoms did you have and how did you find out you had endometriosis? 

A: During my time of the month I would get really sick. So sick in fact that I would throw up for days on end, have a migraine so bad I couldn’t work, and the cramps were so bad in my back and pelvis that I couldn’t walk. Finally after trying to fight it off I went to the OB and he told me there was a possibility it could be endo (endometriosis) and the only way to detect it is through a laparascopy. I didn’t hesitate and two weeks later I went in for surgery. Each person also varies with their symptoms but most times they are very similar in each case.

Q: How do you find out you have it?

The only way to find out you have endo is through a laparascopy. It’s a laser guided by a robot to look through your stomach, uterus and surrounding areas. I found out I was stage 4 at the age of 26. I was also told that day after surgery that I was infertile. I was stag four because there was so much scar tissue some of the pictures were unrecognizable as to which organ the doctor was looking at. During that time they also found that my entire left side was non-functioning. Four weeks later I had another laparascopy because the pain isn’t getting any better. March of 2016 I had my entire left side removed. They also saw an anomaly. My color and uterus were fused together with scar tissue, So they had to take those apart and put them back where they belong.

On average a woman goes 10 years without finding out she has endometriosis because there is no current testing that we have to detect it early.

Q: Isn’t it just bad cramps? 

A: No. No. and No. I would take cramps any day than deal wtih endo. Endometriosis is more than just cramping because you are dealing with endo every day of the week, not just when you’re on you’re period. So no, endo is NOT JUST cramps.

Q: What are the stages of infertility? 

A: For me there are several ways to interpret this. But for me there is grief that comes along with being an infertile woman.  I think the five stages of grief fit perfectly with the stages of infertility.

  1. Denial: No woman wants to be told their infertile so they don’t believe it. They keep to their scheduled nights of having sex but after so long of not getting pregnant you wonder why and realize your in the stage of denial.
  2. Anger: I know I was angry for a long time. I wanted to know why this wasn’t found sooner, what could I have done to prevent it. But the reality is I couldn’t have done anything differently.
  3. Bargaining: You start to bargain with God or whomever you believe in. If you give me a baby I promise I won’t buy another puppy.
  4. Depression: This stage is the hardest. The is when everything is stating to sink in. You may never have children, Or depending on what parts work and what don’t surrogacy and adoption may be the only opions.
  5. Acceptance: I’ve come to accept my endometriosis. I’ve only been diagnosed for about three years. And in that three years I went through the stages of grief. My husband watched me on my weakest days say why me? why us? But I have to realize that when I can accept that I have an incurable disease I can educate others on how they can be supportive to those who don’t have children and want them to be happy.

Q: Why Me? 

A: I can not tell you how many times I’ve asked this question. So for anyone going through infertility, it’s okay to say why me? It’s okay to stay in your sweats and grieve a little. I know I have. Today I was having a rough flare up and started crying asking Russell for reassurance. But yes ladies, its okay to say why me and have a pity party.

Q: Why do we have to hide our endometirosis? And who projects this? Self or Others? 

A: This is a great question. I think because endo has to do with our lady parts and lady parts are a taboo subject we just don’t talk about it. We have our groups to be able to lean on our girls when when need it. I also think others are still ashamed of their diagnosis and they don’t want people to think less of them. I think part of endo not being normalized has to do with those of us who have the disease to talk to. I also think it’s others not wanting to talk about women’s reproductive systems because again they are taboo topics. But the more we talk about endo the more knowledge we put into the world.

Q: Why do we have to pretend to be strong? 

A: We only have to pretend to be strong if someone doesn’t know what you’re going through. If we are more open and unapologetic about what we are going through we don’t have to pretend to be strong. We are bad ass women who are fighting each day to get our bed and do simple tasks without getting winded or feeling like shit after. Today I told my husband I wasn’t strong today and he said it’s okay you need rest. The house can wait. We need support systems like that in our lives, not people who are going to bring us down.

Q: Is it normal to gain weight? 

A: Unfortunately, yes. Like I said previously I’ve known about my endo for two years. We have been working with an IVF specialist since last year and I was put on all these different types of medications. I’d say the weight is gradually coming on but its there. I weigh 135 pounds because of the endo and all the treatment. I know I’m going to have to put in the work and gain the weigh if I want a baby but it still sucks.

Q: Does pregnancy fix endo? 

A: Yes and no. Yes because when you don’t have a period you can’t shed the lining of your uterus, which means scar tissue can’t get stuck in places it shouldn’t. But there is always a chance for smaller pieces to get stuck so there is that. Plus once you give birth your body is taking time to get used to having a human come out, get your hormones situated and then think about what to do. Pregnancy can definitely help lessen that chance for endo resurface. Endomtriosis never fully goes away. But we are hoping that once we are able to get pregnant the flare ups and back pain will go away.

Q: Have you thought about a surrogate? 

A: No. My uterus is healthy (a little tilted) but can carry multiple babies. I am not worry nor have we even though about surrogate. In my mind thinking of using donor eggs, surrogacy, etc is like me saying I give up, which I refuse to do.

Q:How has this affected your relationship? 

A: Russell and I have been married for 14 months. He has become my care taker. He makes sure I’m comfortable. He makes sure I have ice and heating packs when I need them. But going through this has made us better communicators. We talk so much about our future plans. If being diagnosed with this disease has taught me anything its like is too short to do something you don’t love. We plan on traveling more. Having babies and just doing what we want to do. We want to experience other cultures, build businesses and most importantly, be happy. There have been tough times too though. When we did the two IUI’s and the test came out negative I thought I was going to have a break down. After the second one we decided IVF would be the next step because IUI’s are too expensive and I want to spend my money on actually making babies. We have had bad days when we can’t agree on a decision. We have bad days when i can’t seem to get out of my funk and constantly ask ‘why me’? But in the end the good days out outweigh the bad.

Hers’s to hoping 2018 brings the Lions a Playoff Win, less pain, more happiness, and a couple of little humans to add to the Young household!

Let me know if you like Q&A. I’m thinking doing another one!

Until Next Time