abortion, babies, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, Kids, learning, lies, life, Making a difference, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized

Can I tell you a little secret?

I’m scared. I’m anxious. I feel a little like a failure…well a lot like a failure but we’ll get back to that in a minute. Thursday is the day we meet our second RE in the last 19 months. We just want a second opinion. Dr K.’s office says we can either go back on Lupron for another 3 months or have the worst periods ever and continue on that path until we are ready for IVF. At this point all my numbers are low. And by low I mean they are basically non existent. When I asked the nurse that works with Dr. K what to do next, like could we do a round of femara with a trigger shot and try on our own? Can we do the femara with trigger shot and then plan another IUI? I could hear the heartbreak in her voice because she said I’m sorry but the best thing you can do is to save up the month for IVF because no other is going to work for you. That’s when Russell brought up the idea of getting  a second opinion to see if they see something or have a different type of treatment that isn’t going to break the bank. What makes this harder is knowing nothing is wrong with Russell, thank goodness. His labs and analysis all came back extremely well and I am so grateful for that. But that means I’m the one that’s broken. And 13 months into a brands new marriage this is tough. I knew when we said for better or worse and sickness and in health  that phrase would ring so true over for us right now.

I know some people have asked about why we chose to see another RE (reproductive endocronologist) because Russell is all about asking questions. He is all about making sure we leave a meeting knowing every little detail before the paperwork has even come to our mailbox. I love that about him because in situations like we’ll be in I freeze and can’t think of anything to say. I just write down the answers and make sure we can discuss everything on the car ride home. We are also seeing another RE because I’m still in a lot of pain and I feel like I”m being heard. KRM is a great establishment with one of the highest live birth success rates. Dr. K. has been nothing but nice and straightforward with me and with Russell. But a second opinion never hurts because some doctors think more outside the box while others don’t.

I also don’t know if you all know this but Russell and I wanted to have 4 or 5 kids. In the very beginning stages of our relationship we would talk about how cute babies are and one day we’d have our own. Well Lena made her debut as a ‘Young’ about a week later. He thought I was taking her back but she was stuck with us and the other two that following. More about their stories in another blog. I got off on a tangent there for a second. My point is Russell and I have always wanted a large family. Now I’m not sure what we’ll have. We will definitely implant two maybe more depending on how we feel about it and see what happens from there. If somehow the universe will allow my body to make a few eggs we’ll let them become fertilized and freeze the healthy embryos in case we decide we want one more try at it in the future. Needless to say I’m sure you feel a little stressed reading this. This is what I go through on a consistent basis. Throw in some random questions like ‘why did Russell marry me know I have a disease that is incurable and children may not  be an option. And the am I pretty enough? Am  I good enough because with the way  I look and feel no man should have to look at it. But each time he says he loves me, he thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and that children or no children we’ll be just fine as long as we have each other. Please send your positive vibes out for us this week and every week because infertility is bad but knowing it’s what you’ve always too is heart breaking.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

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abortion, babies, best friend, black, blogger, body shaming, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, I Am That Girl, illness, infertility, IUI, learning, life, Making a difference, mama to be, marriage, Ohio, PIO, PUPO, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Trying to Conceive, TTC, Uncategorized, women's issues

That moment you realize no one believes you or your disease

I came to the realization that there are doctors, more specifically those who don’t fully understand what endometriosis is, and therefore think I’m faking my pain. It all started last Saturday at Kettering. I was in the ER for excruciating back and pelvic pain. I get back to a room where I wasn’t given an IV or anything. After a few minutes a lovely young lady walks in. I see she has a notepad and is in scrubs. So basically she’s a student learning for this shift. She sat down and asked the usual questions : why are you here? where is your pain? what has caused this pain? can you explain in more detail what endometriosis is? have you had surgery in the past? Tell me more about your surgeries. And this goes on and on and on and on because so many nurses have never heard of the term endometriosis before they encountered me. After sitting the room for over an hour, I’ve asked for water because I’m getting quite parched, they ask me to do a pee test. Now if I hadn’t seen what I did when I walked in maybe I wouldn’t be second guessing the reasoning  behind it all. And when the nurse came back into the room and said my sample was fine they just wanted me to make sure there wasn’t anything in my system. After that it was like here’s an anti-nausea pill and a shot of morphine and you get to go home now.

Here’s why I’m complaining. When a doctor can’t “see” pain it can be very hard to diagnose. But I feel like a lot of the time when things get too hard or their priorities shift they’re just like this girl needs to go there is nothing we can do for her. So now we are back at square one. I have an OBGYN appointment tuesday. As you can tell its 3am. I’m in more pain than you can imagine and the pain in my lower back is starting to spasm.

Until we have a day where information about endometriosis comes out and there is a cure or even a way to detect it, this is how endometriosis will continually be treated.

Until Next Time

xoxo

abortion, blogger, breaking news, Dayton, endometriosis, Kids, learning, life, Making a difference, Ohio, reproductive health, thoughts, transparency, Uncategorized, women's issues

I choose My Right

As if 2016 couldn’t get any worse. First we elect a man who isn’t fit to be a President, then Ohio’s Governor thinks he can somehow pass legislation to make it illegal for any woman to get an abortion at 6 weeks. Do you know what could happen in 6 weeks?! A lot. For any man reading this do you understand that the majority of women who have a period don’t have a “normal” cycle, meaning their periods don’t come exactly every 28 days. Some women skip periods for months at a time and  then one day they get their period again. Some women even get more than one period a month. So here’s my open letter to our governor who needs to hear from a woman on a woman’s issue.

Dear Governor Kasich,

I am writing you this letter to let you know that your “Heartbeat Bill” isn’t such a great idea. Women in the state of Ohio (and across the country) should not be told what to do with their bodies, especially not by men who aren’t doctors. Women get pregnant every day in our state. Some women are trying and some women aren’t. There are also women who are having protected sex and still somehow get pregnant because contraception isn’t 100% effective. When you look at why women get abortions there are plenty of reasons. Some women get abortions because they know their babies are going to have problems, their baby won’t make it the entire 9 months and will be still born, personal reasons, etc. There are a hundreds of thousands of reasons women decide to get abortions. But ya know what, its their decision. A woman has to choose what she’ll do when she finds out she’s pregnant, which usually isn’t until at least week 8 or later. And here’s my other issue with your bill. You and your fellow cronies want women to have the babies they are pregnant with but you don’t want to help support them when women ask for help. When a woman has to ask for government assistance because they are raising a baby with a minimum wage job that barely covers the bills, you and your government turn your noses up at them like they are useless and not contributing to society. Our state and government needs to come up with a better way for women who are having babies to get the help they need without being judged. Asking for help with formula, diapers, etc., should not be a bad thing when a woman decides to keep the baby she is pregnant with. Why are food stamps, WIC and other government assistant programs frowned upon but you want every woman to keep their unborn children. You sir, can’t have it both ways. If you want women to keep their babies, you should be able to have the funding and programs to help. Otherwise, you need to mind your own business. Women get pregnant for all kinds of reasons and some of the reasons are deplorable. If this bill passes women will still find ways to have an abortion, only this way it will be illegal and could result in more than just an abortion, but a death with the woman carrying the baby. Taking away a right isn’t going to stop abortions from happening. Governor Kasich, you nor anyone in Senate should NOT be making decision regarding women’s health or reproductive rights. A woman should ALWAYS have the right to choose. I stand behind Roe vs Wade and will continue to support women when they have to make decisions, such as getting an abortion. If you want to make 2016 suck a little less than it already has, you won’t pass this bill.

Sincerely,

A woman who will forever and always stand by her right to choose

abortion, babies, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, life, Ohio, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Do you believe in miracles?

The title of this blog is going to be very important as you will come to see. Miracles happen every day. I remember the morning that my mami (grandmother) past away. It was around this time in January and for some odd reason I woke up out of a deep sleep. I learned later that day that not only myself and my mother, but my aunt who was living in New York at the time both woke up at the exact same time. I truly believe it was her way of saying goodbye to me, or rather thank you for driving my mom to Indianapolis to catch a flight to be with mami. I’m telling you this because events like that have not happened in my life.

However, in my last blog post I was up a few hours earlier than this one, writing a blog about my pain and how ready for Hawaii Russell and I were. Well I can tell you that our experience in Hawaii was beyond magical. We spent 16 blissful days doing whatever we wanted, hitting the re-set button and spending more quality time together than we ever had in our entire 8 year relationship. We both can most definitely agree that the best part of the trip was getting married. Being able to have such an intimate wedding was very important to us. Our wedding and our vows were for us, to bond us closer together and unite us as one. I can tell you all it was much needed and we will remember this trip for the rest of our lives.

It’s been a little over a month since my last blog. I realized in Hawaii that I also needed a break from technology. Being away in a place that is so laid back where you don’t have to be anywhere at a specific time and everyone is just so relaxed really is such a nice getaway. I also realized in Hawaii that anything can happen as long as you believe in it. Now I know that some of you reading this are going to think I’m crazy or too optimistic, however, I truly believe we can have a baby. I have been having these dreams lately where I am holding my baby after birth. Each time I see Russell and our Doula and I hear this cry. A cry of love; a welcoming sound into the world. I should probably tell you all why I believe I have been having these dreams. My hairstylist, Jessica is a very important person to me. She and I met several years ago when she started doing Mary Kay. She has this presence that when she walks into a room you want to know who she is. She draws people in and I immediately felt a connection to her. Little did I know she would be doing my hair and we would be connecting on a whole nother level! Jessica has always been passionate about what she does, which is hair, and I sure am glad she does mine otherwise it would look like a hot mess. Anyway, earlier this year around the time of all my surgeries she felt this heaviness about me. I knew what it was but didn’t want to admit it and she said the words I wasn’t ready to hear (but I knew I needed to hear them from someone other than my doctor and myself) “You’re body is telling you it isn’t ready to have a baby”. You see I was willing to get pregnant before we left for Hawaii because that’s how badly I want a baby. So Jessica started practicing reiki (which I had never heard of before she told me what it was). She had me a do a little ceremony to open myself up to the universe. I have always believed that if you connect yourself with the universe, center your soul and truly believe that against all odds anything is possible, your dreams will come true. The first time she wanted me to do a ritual I asked Russell to do it with me. He was willing and we stood under this beautiful full moon and asked the universe to bless us with a baby. After the first ritual I felt a very calm feeling almost like I had just got done with yoga. Then she asked permission to do reiki when she felt necessary but wherever she was. Of course I said yes! Russell and I have done two rituals so far. Both very intimate and to save the intimacy I won’t go into detail of what we do but it is very special.

What I will say is Jessica is an empath. She knows exactly what I’m feeling and when. Just the other day she sent me a text asking how I was feeling because she felt that I was feeling heavy, sad. She encourages me to keep going. She gives me advice when I need it. She believes in miracles. The point of my blog is not to keep reminding you that I have endometriosis. It’s to remind you that the journey to becoming a mother is not always easy. For some yes it’s easy peasy lemon squeezy. However, for 1 in 8 women it’s not. It’s years of pain, multiple surgeries, heartbreak and sometimes loss. The point of this entire blog is to show you the good, the bad, the ugly and the happy. Having this disease is difficult because as a woman you feel robbed and don’t understand why you have this. I am sharing my story with you all because often times women don’t have someone who wants to be as open with their journey. I am not afraid to show you what my belly looks like now, what appointment I had and what everything means going forward. I am grateful for the support system I have because without them I wouldn’t be where I am today. Two months ago I was told that I have a less than 5% chance of conceiving on my own. Because of Russell and his undying love for me and to Jessica for continually working with me and connecting us more with the universe, I truly believe we will witness a miracle.

Until next time

xoxo

abortion, blogger, Dayton, Ohio, voting, women, women's issues

Planned Parenthood and why Ohio got it wrong…

Dear John Kasich,

I’m sure this blog post won’t find it’s way to you but as the governor of the state of Ohio, you have failed the women of your state. You see, you say you want to “respect the sanctity of human life” and by doing this means defunding Planned Parenthood. You see Mr. Kasich, you are wrong. Women of the state of Ohio, and all of the United States should have the option to do whatever they please to their bodies and if that means getting an abortion they should have that right. (I mean, you do realize Roe v. Wade passed for a reason right?) But we aren’t talking about abortion because Planned Parenthood doesn’t provide free abortions for young women. Planned Parenthood provides young women with birth control, health exams, and sex health education and without that  many young women will not be able to get the care they need. Think about that for a second. Because you and the other members of the Senate see the word abortion, you think the entire organization of planned parenthood shouldn’t exist. So what are we supposed to do now? These young women are not going to be able to get the birth control they need, have the knowledge of sex education or get their annual health screenings. So where are they supposed to go? And don’t say they are supposed to go to the gynocologist because Planned Parenthood was providing these services for free or little cost. So is the Senate going to provide a place for young women to go or are they supposed to go without? These young women are being denied very important services that you took away from them. I really think you and the other goons of the Senate should have thought long and hard about the decision you are making because it could end up backfiring. What happens if the rate of teenage births increases? What happens if young women start getting sick and they end up with cancer or other diseases that could have been detected had they been able to go to Planned Parenthood? Have you thought about that? Well, obviously you haven’t because you don’t think about things like that. All you see when you think of Planned Parenthood is abortions. Maybe if you took the time to interview and collect data from the young women who use the other services of Planned Parenthood, you would see how helpful this really organization is.

Sincerely,

A young woman who stands with Planned Parenthood