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Heartbreak and Hope: One Woman’s Journey Towards Motherhood

Throughout this journey of infertility I’ve felt so alone. However, right now I couldn’t feel more loved, supported and more importantly heard. You all have taught me so much about what it means to be patient (even though I have little of that), strong compassionate and resilient. I have also gained a whole new set of people, mostly women in the same position as I am; hopeful that the treatment cycle is it. But there are so many women, some I know personally and some I don’t, that have gone through IVF or an FET (frozen embryo transfer), some make it passed the dreaded TWW (two week wait) to find out they’re pregnant. Some however, have to wait a little longer and go through extra tests to make sure the negative is really a negative. **There are instances where women can yield a false negative and actually have a positive test but in most cases a negative is a negative** After our second IUI, I had a strong feeling I wasn’t pregnant. I had to wait 14 days, which felt like an eternity, to take the test. And when I got the result I cried, like really cried. For hours I just sat in disbelief because even though I knew in my gut it’d be a negative, I was hoping I was wrong. In that moment I never realized how much I needed to find a group of women who knew exactly what I was going through. Women I could seek advice from in my time of need and gain another perspective as to why we were chosen to go through this.

The whole point to my late night blog is that someone I was cheering on during her TWW found out her FET didn’t take and her little embryo didn’t make it. I am heartbroken for her. I have never met her before and I have never spoken with her either. But, there are so many women that I’ve connected with through social media that are going through what I am. They have gotten further in their journey’s than I have but we’ve been through something that many don’t even know they’ll have to go through. That’s why we like to say our TTC Tribe or being apart of a private group. It’s a group we wish no one would ever want to be in. Throughout her journey she has done IUI’s, IVF, and is a cancer survivor. There is something so special about this woman. She had to do some extra testing and called this period her pregnancy purgatory. And until it’s a definite positive or negative women are PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). She was wishing and praying for her little embryo to stick and sadly it didn’t. I can’t imagine what Melissa is going through and how long she will wait until trying again. But I also can’t imagine what she is feeling right now. I hope she is taking the time to grieve and once she has I hope she wants to try again, take on the entire world, and conquer every dream she ever had. I also hope one day she’ll be pregnant, holding onto to every heartbeat, kick, hiccup and labor pain because those are the moments she yearns for and so many more.

So I’ll leave you with several quotes before I wrap up because I feel they are all important to a woman’s journey through infertility. Sometimes we just want to hear something uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes along our journey we get lost and need time to reflect. I can’t tell you how many days and night’s I’ve spent reflecting or sitting in my sadness because I just didn’t know what else to do. But reading quotes and listening to devotional (thanks Meg!!) it’s been helping me a lot. For the women who are going through infertility, seeking treatment, and going through the dreaded TWW, I am sending my positive vibes to you. I am asking Venus, the goddess of fertility to bless Melissa with a baby. I know it can’t happen overnight but I would love nothing more than to see her holding her rainbow baby after her storm. So I’ll leave you with the quotes I said I would share.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that say’s I’ll try again tomorrow.” –Anonymous

“When you feel like you can’t go any further just know the strength which carried you thus far will take you the rest of the way.” –Anonymous

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams” — Paulo Coelho

Until Next Time




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