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Infertility is Hard

I have no idea what to write yet my head is spinning around in circles with all my worries, concerns, and anxiety. I feel like I’m in slow motion and when I get caught up to real-time speed I’ll be hit with so much that I’ll crumble. Endometriosis has taken hold of my life in ways I never thought possible. (list below)

  1. Stress— I never knew a person could be this stressed. At all times I have thoughts of what I need to get done before our fundraiser and IVF..it’s pretty freaking stressful.
  2. Anxious–I also never knew how anxiety affected a person until I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe half the time. It’s so overwhelming that I have no other way of describing the level anxiety I have.
  3. Emotions–my emotions have been all over the map the last 5 months. I think things are different this time around with Lupron because this is the longest I’ve ever been on it. I’m not the same person I was when I wasn’t on it. It’s like Lupron took my personality in an extended time out. I’d like to get her back now.
  4. Marriage–Technically I’m a newlywed still but we have our ups and downs because of endometriosis. More specifically, I blame myself for everything that’s going on. Russell is such a wonderful husband and he deserves the world. I try to make him happy but the one thing that would truly and I mean truly make him happy is a baby; and I can’t do that without a little science. Sometimes I wonder what his life would be like if we hadn’t continued to date and found someone who was healthy. Would he be happy, happier?? I’ll never know. I feel bad about the amount of meltdowns I have during the week (because there’s always 2 or 3) because that’s just adding more to his already full plate.
  5. Sleep– I miss sleeping. Going into forced menopause has been awful. I am hot all the time and I don’t sleep at night because I wake up soaked in sweat. I will say this I do tend to nap a little during the day but it’s not long enough for me to feel refreshed. I always feel fatigued because I’m not sleeping so I’m basically walking zombie. There are times I’m so tired, don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep and I’ll wake up having a conversation with Russell and he literally has no idea what I’m talking about. That’s no fun.

 

There’s a snippet into what my mind goes through every day. What I go through. If you are on Instagram you saw the pictured where I looked defeated. That picture was taken last Sunday, the day I had three meltdowns. In that picture you see me sad, tears had just rolled off my swollen looking face, and the dark circles under my eyes from crying so much. I allow myself to sit in my feelings for a little while (24 hours) but after that I have to keep going. Endometriosis and Infertility really push you to your limits, like almost off the cliff. But each day I wake up I try to make the best of it. If there’s anything you take away from this blog today it’s that it’s okay to not be okay, fight like hell to make your dreams come true and never be afraid to ask for a hug when you need one.

 

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

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