I feel sad. It’s a feeling I think I always have but I know when I can turn it on and off. For example, when I go to work it’s all about being happy to make sure my guests are taken care. I can flip that switch 99% of the time but sometimes I can’t. I’m human. Me feeling sad has to do with a multitude of things; infertility, money, stress, anxiety, myself, etc. I’m sad about our infertility struggles because there are more and more people who are getting pregnant. I’ve totally okay with it all but I really want to one day be at peace with her. Infertility has taken over my life in ways I never thought possible. I mean, I feel like I know a new language just from the words used in the infertility world. I’m sad infertility has changed me as person because if I’m begin honest, I’m not the same person I was two years ago when our journey began. I used to believe pregnancy would be easy for me and that I would have the best pregnancies but come to find out we can’t even get to the part of getting pregnant without science being involved. I’ve actually had two dreams of being pregnant and in each dream it is so easy and lovely. I’m just waiting for that dream to become a reality. I’m sad because we don’t have the money up front to pay for IVF. **warning shameless plug ahead** I had every intention of finding a way to pay for IVF without help but that has gone by the wayside. When they say it takes a village to raise a child, they should also say it takes a village to pay for IVF to take care of the child. And if you haven’t please go visit our GoFundMe page linked at the end of the blog and if you are able to donate anything we would be forever grateful!! Lastly, I’m sad because my anxiety has me stressed because we aren’t on the time schedule I envisioned. For those that know me know that I’m big on planning and when you tell me something’s not going to happen the way I had it planned I become very stressed, My anxiety is through the room and my depression has made a few unplanned appearances. As you can see infertility brings more challenges than not being able to conceive.
I’ve been listening to a lot of different blogs lately and I’m trying to understand how each woman’s journey is different. I was sent a link from my best friend Caitlyn about a woman named Desi Perkins. She put a vlog up about her journey towards pregnancy after a miscarriage. In the vlog she says she gave up trying and she even watched footage of herself taking a pregnancy test that was negative. Desi is so afraid of disappointing everyone around, most importantly her husband. And then she says something that hits deep within my should. She says this is almost embarrassing to talk about because she is suppressing her feelings when it comes to going to baby showers, seeing other people get pregnant before you and all the other things associated with talking about wanting a child and navigating the way through. One thing I noticed throughout the video is Desi’s strength and her faith. She believes the specialist she is seeing is going to be able to help her get pregnant. I wish nothing but the best for her because I hate seeing women in pain and struggling through their infertility struggles. I just feel for her when she says she’s worried she’ll get pregnant again only to have the same end result: a miscarriage.But she keeps her head up and keeps her faith and I know one day she’ll be able to hold a baby against her skin while they sleep. One thing Desi does say that is very important is it’s not polite to ask someone if they’re pregnant especially on social media. Not this applies more for her because she is a celebrity. But people shouldn’t ever ask if someone is pregnant just because you see a roll or two. So PSA if you see a women looking a little pregnant stop and think long and hard before you ask how far along a person is. For me endo-belly is no joke. Some days I look like I have a normal belly but then other days I wake up and my stomach is so full of inflammation that I look 5-6 months pregnant. It’s awful. I feel awful. And when those days happen I stay home because I’m afraid I’ll run into someone at the store and they’ll ask the dreaded question.
I’m still learning so much about myself while on this journey and I hope I keep coming across videos like this for me to watch. Not only are they education for me I get to learn more facets of infertility. I feel for Desi. I feel so lost not be able to give Russell children. Now I can’t say it’s embarrassing to have infertility because I’ve always been very open about it but it’s still the hardest subject for me to talk about. One day I’ll be able to have my littles with me and show that no matter what life threw at me I conquered it. And that’s what I want all of you to do . Even though we all are connected by this disease I’m sure you’ll to find a way to take the sourest lemon life has to offer and turn into something resembling lemonade. If you can do that anything is possible.
Until Next Time
Desi’s video is linked for those who may be interested in watching or following along on her journey.