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We weren’t chosen…yet

Hello my darlings. It’s been a little bit since we’ve last seen each other. I decided to take a little hiatus from blogging to really work on me and center myself more. Now before we get  into this week’s topic I wanted to share a quote with you that I came across that is so powerful to me.

“You were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it” –Unknown

This quote isn’t extremely long, it’s just to the point and lets us all know that no matter what we have going on in our lives we are strong enough to take it on! I actually needed to see this quote because the last few days have been really hard. Friday I received the first email from one of the companies giving away grants to deserving couples who need the money to help fund their IVF treatment. The email started off great and they said our story was powerful and were one of the finalists, however, they chose another couple to get the $10,000 reward. Unfortunately, I have no idea about the couple who won, what their situation is like, how long they’ve been trying, how much money they’ve put into their journey or anything. I just hope and pray that they get their wonderful little baby they’ve always wanted. The bright side is that this grant company is ongoing, meaning even though we weren’t chosen now doesn’t mean we can’t be picked in the future. Since our names and story are already in the system we will automatically be re-entered into the next giveaway. Today I received a second email. This one’s tone was much more grim. Baby Quest is the one company I knew would be a long shot. They receive a ridiculous amount of applications and the more people hear about them, the more applicants they get. The email basically stated that at this time there are unable to gift us with a grant. They did encourage us to re-apply for their fall grant but it’ll be too late by then.  Right now we are going to regroup, think about everything and plan out the next few months.

The last blog I posted was about ten days ago. In that ten days a lot has happened. I had my first anxiety/panic attack, I broke down to Russell basically telling him he can do so much better and give him the family he always wanted, stayed up late thinking about my future and stressing the hell out of myself when I know that’s the last thing I want; especially since stress causes wrinkles and I don’t have time for wrinkles honey! So not being chosen has put me into this corner that I’ve not wanted to come out from. In these situations I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to get on social media for fear of seeing someone’s perfect little belly and wondering what that feels like. Some days I can’t function because the depression takes over my body making me sluggish and exhausted. Having endometriosis isn’t just not being able to have children, it’s having depression, chronic fatigue, anxiety and constantly crying. I honestly can’t tell you everything I feel on a daily basis because I could be super happy and the next thing I know Russell’s asking me if I’m okay because I’m crying. And let me remind you it’s the ugly cry face. I think I get so broken and all I want to do is snuggle up to my husband while he reassures me for the 500 millionth time that he isn’t going anywhere.   ** If you don’t already know I need constant reassurance from my husband that I’m not given a Razzie for being the Worst Wife of 2018.** I’m tired. I’m drained. I have little left to give and I feel like I am stretching myself beyond what I can handle and a breakdown is coming. There are certain things I can feel and a mental breakdown is one of them. Thankfully I start therapy Monday and maybe my breakdown will happen in her office so she can help me better understand how to control my feelings. It’s to the point I don’t want to be around my nieces and nephews because they are the reminder to me that I’m the black sheep in the family. Looking at their beautiful faces reminds me I may never have sweet mom moments when they want to snuggle, give you a kiss just because and watch them grow from babies to toddlers, taking their first steps and celebrating major milestones. (Please do not think I don’t love my nieces and nephews because I love them very much. What I am trying to convey is that because a few of ours are babies..my step sister has a little baby and my brother in law and his wife have a toddler; to me watching them create family moments and firsts together is very hard for me to watch…just to clarify) Most of the time my heart can’t do it. And the times we do go to functions I end up crying when we get home because I’m so heartbroken over our situation. I’m slowly getting better in some areas but most of the time I just pretend like I’m okay. Russell is so wonderful, rubs my back, listens to my crazy talk, and still wants to continue to be married to me. Throughout all of this I have learned a lot about myself but also my partner. He is understanding, patient, compassionate, sympathetic and loving. I’ve also learned there are many ways to love a person and he shows me each and every day how much he loves me by doing something so simple like telling me we are going to parents and we are going to be okay. Those little moments create big moments and those big moments help to continue building the foundation of our strong relationship. If there is anything I’ve learned it’s that something will always go on in life and I have to find a way to find the beauty in the toughest parts because I know there are a lot of women that feel like me but may not know how to talk about it or express their emotions.

Next week’s blog post will be dedicated to those caring for loved ones with an incurable disease and infertility. I’m going to give you some talking points to soothe a loved one when they are in need of some advice because someone who hasn’t gone through infertility doesn’t know exactly what to say without making the situation worse.

Until Next Time



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