“I believe every person has to go through something that absolutely destroys them so they can figure out who they truly are.” —unknown
I had no intention of blogging today because well, to be honest, nothing was really inspiring me. Until I was scrolling through Instagram, late at night like we all do, and I saw this quote. This spoke to the deepest depths of my soul. I can only speak for myself, but if I had to guess any woman going through infertility has felt this at some point in their journey. For me this is a constant struggle. The one thing I want more than anything in the world has destroyed who I am. It has changed me in a way I never thought possible. I never thought I’d be scheduling appointments to go to therapy because I can’t control my emotions when it comes to seeing baby announcements, pregnant women in public or the baby aisle in any store. I have to go to a therapist because every time I leave the doctor it’s heartbreaking, enough so that the anxiety I feel leading up to appointments or discussing our future plans is getting to be too much. I need to learn how to cope with how this disease has changed me. Each person has their thing and some probably wonder why I talk about this so much because I should be blessed with what I have. And I am. But two years ago when I had my ovary removed, unexpectedly and didn’t find out until I came out of surgery was the worst day of my entire life. The second worse day just happened; my OB telling me parts of my organs and uterus are frozen due to the build up of scar tissue. I wanted any surgery, which would have been the fifth. I know that sounds crazy but I wanted to have it done to relieve the pain for a little bit, buy some more time to get my affairs in order for IVF and be a little more pain free in the mean time. But when he said if we do one more surgery I’ll loose everything, that killed me. I don’t think I’ve had that one break down yet that will cause me to have a full on anxiety or panic attack but I feel it’s a matter of time. I remember calling my mom after the OB visit and telling her I didn’t know how I was going to get home because I was so upset. I will say my family has been monumental in getting me through some really bad days. My parents are amazing and just them calling to check on me means more than they’ll ever know. Most of the time I’m holding back tears because I know they worry enough and I don’t want them to worry any more than they have to.
The second I saw this quote I knew I had to write. I’m not fully at the place of knowing who I am but I’m pretty sure when this is all said and done I’ll know. I think I’m going to come out of this entire journey with a completely different outlook on life. I believe everything happens for a reason and our paths are pre-destined. I believe there are no coincidences in life and that everything happens because it’s meant to. As I’ve said before I’m not 100% religious but I do believe in the universe.
But in other news, we do have a plan for IVF this summer. And yes by this summer I mean we are going to go through the process, shots, transfer and all in the next two to three months. It’s going to be a whirlwind and it’s going to happen so fast. Since I’ve documented this far I’ve decided to document how the shots are going but have decided to leave transfer day (the day we implant the embryo or embryos) to ourselves. I’m not even sure we will tell our families when that day is but please continue to send all your love our way. We feel it. I feel it. And to everyone who has reached out. Thank you.
Until Next Time