First, I want to say I love you. I know we’ve shared our ups and downs but we’ve come out stronger and closer because of them. Second, thank you for raising such a wonderful man, who happens to be my pretty awesome husband (no bias here). Thank you for raising a man who knows not just how to treat his wife but how to communicate with me when I’m being stubborn, spoiling the living crap out of me and loving me unconditionally. Thank you for raising your first born son to be the best man I know. Without you and your guidance throughout the years he would not have such a deep understanding of what marriage truly is.
Today was a hard day. I was looking forward to today for several reasons, one being that you got to see the amazing salon I have the privilege of going to and I wanted to show you that. I also wanted to pamper you too since this year has been a bit challenging. We had our day planned out and how everything would work. I’d go to my annual (which for those reading it was awful and very painful) and come get you and we’d go get our hair done together. While waiting for Dr. McCullough in those uncomfortable paper gowns I’m trying to center myself and keep the peace flowing within my mind. I kept trying to remain calm and mostly collected after the visit. After the exam Dr. McCullough started off with a sigh. I’ve known Dr. McCullough for a long time and I know when bad news is coming and let me tell you the news I received was heartbreaking. During my exam my uterus is tilted (which for me is normal) however there is no movement at the top or left sides of the uterus. This means those parts of my uterus are being enveloped in scar tissue. Naturally my next question was about doing a scope through my belly button to see how bad it is and address the situation. Without hesitation he said no because if we go in for surgery 5 there is a possibility I would lose my right ovary and tube. That’s not a gamble I’m willing to take. He apologized and said he hopes we are able to start soon and if we can’t we need to think about freezing my eggs so we have some banked. The scariest part was hearing that we have about three months to get this started. Three months is such a short span of time and we aren’t financially there quite yet.
Second, thank you for letting me have a complete meltdown in the car. I knew I was going to tell you how the appointment went because you know about all the appointments and how the end up. Each time I fight back tears because I never want you to worry any more than you should and do. But today was different. I couldn’t hold it in. The reality of it all just came flooding down. The actual possibility that I may never bear children. I may never make your son a father, the one thing I want to give him most in this world. Sitting there driving I was trying to talk softer and explain what everything meant because the terms and way they describe things to me can be very confusing, add not having the disease and the knowledge gets lots very easily and things become confusing. I tried everything I could to avoid crying in front of you. I tried to hold back the tears and fight through them. But my anxiety took the best of me and it’s as if the flood gates opened. In that moment I was so thankful you just listened to me as I tried to speak coherent sentences. Thank you for just allowing me to grieve and cry. Moments like that are hard to be there for, especially when you know the disease is only getting worse from here. And I can’t thank you enough for telling me to keep having faith because I’m losing it. The more bad news we get, the less faith I seem to have. Debbie, thank you for always being there when I need advice on how to handle a situation or to simply listen. Thank you for always asking how I’m feeling and what you can do to help. Today was a tough day and without you there for comfort because I thought today was the day I’d have a panic attack and wouldn’t be able to get home. Today you saved me from going off the deep end. Today you did something most people forget by wanting to put their two cents in. You listened. Not many mother in-laws would just listen, they’d say “there’s always adoption or have you thought about a surrogate?” You’re the opposite, you speak the souls of our unborn children into the universe as if they’ll be coming any day. Your positivity, faith and love for our growing family are some of the qualities I not only love but cherish about you. Thank you for being such a wonderful woman and I thank the universe every day for allowing my path to cross with Russell’s. Thanks for being such a wonderful mother in law, I couldn’t have gotten any luckier to have you in my life, I love you.
Well friends that’s all I have for now and will continue to update as more things happen.
Until Next Time