The Next Step In Love

Solid gold candle holders
And an old bottle of wine
You let your hair down on your shoulders
And you pressed your lips to mineThe rain beat soft against the window
As the night turned into dawn
And as I looked deep into your eyes
I knew where my heart belongedI’m ready for the next step in love
Girl, you’re all that I can think of
Isn’t my love good enough
I’m ready for the next step in love

Solid white wedding dress
And a long white veil
We put all our fears to rest
And we let this ship set sail

I placed the ring on your finger
Then you looked at me and smiled
Then we sealed our love with one last kiss
And I walked you up the aisle

I’m ready for the next step in love
Girl, you’re all that I can think of
Isn’t my love good enough
I’m ready for the next step in love

I’m ready for the next step in love
Girl, you’re all that I can think of
Isn’t my love good enough
I’m ready for the next step in love
I’m ready for the next step in love

For those that are wondering where this random song comes in, it’s the song Russell and I danced to at our wedding reception. It literally summarizes everything about our relationship, including taking the next step in love by bringing children into the world. This journey is only going to get harder and I am feeling guilty. For one, Russell came with me to the consultation, which he obviously didn’t have to, but he did. It was so funny because he pulled out my chair and Dr. K noticed complimenting his chivalrous act. But little do people know he always makes sure I’m seated before him and still opens the car door for me. I love it and know he’ll never stop. It’s the little things like pulling out my chair that I start to feel guilty for. There are so many reasons but right now the main source of guilt I feel is I’m not performing at the level a wife should. For example, I’ve been in so much pain lately that I wasn’t able to do the simple things like the dishes. They sat in the sink for over a week and Russell busted them out. He also did the laundry that I’d fallen behind on. There are other things he’s doing to pick up my slack…and I feel bad. I feel guilty our first year of marriage has come this; me being in so much pain we can’t just go out and do things or be as spontaneous as we would like.

My whole life I thought I was just over reacting to the pain I felt and thought I low pain threshold. Then one day my mom took me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with my first ruptured cyst. I’ll never forget that day: I was sitting on my bed getting ready for school and I was doubled over. My mom came in and told me to get ready for school. I was crying and told her I couldn’t. (Now she may kill me for telling the rest of this story haha) But my mom being a little pessimistic kept telling me to get ready or I’d miss the bus. But I literally couldn’t get up and she finally gave in and took me to the hospital. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound to let us know I had a ruptured cyst. My mom felt so bad she took me for pizza at flying pizza after I was released and said she was sorry she didn’t believe me in the first place. I can remember that pain. That distinct pain you get when it feels like a sharp knife is being stabbed into your stomach a thousand times a second. I guess that’s the day this long journey began. Thankfully I have a mom who listens to all my crazy stories now!

Things aren’t always easy and I know IVF will come with it’s own ups and downs.  The song above represents our relationship and the order of which we want things to go. This time it’s to have a family.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

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The “in between”

The amount of pain I’m in I can’t describe. It always starts on the left side of my back. Mid to lower back towards my spine. Maybe the area in which my kidneys are in. The pain is so intense I can’t stand it. I try to stretch it out, go onto all fours and push my back up and down to see if that will relieve the pain and it doesn’t. The best part is I’ve been denied by insurance to get an MRI because there isn’t sufficient evidence sent from my doctors office. This is the third time my doctors office hasn’t sent in the proper forms so I can see whats going on with my insides. And you can’t get an MRI at the ER either, I called to check and they don’t. So while I’m sitting here at level 10 pain writhing, these doctors and nurses are sleeping well at night. But the truth is my back has hurt every day for the last two years. Ever since my left tube and ovary were removed I have pain. Pain that no one wants to address because “if we give you pain medication you could get an addiction”– that’s what my doctors office says. My OB/GYN on a visit to a different doc because mine was in surgery said ” I’m really sorry for your pain but you’ll have to figure out how to live like this. Come up with ways that will help decrease your pain and just go through trial and error.” A legit medical professional told this to me about 4 months ago. It was soul crushing. I’m sitting in my bed as uncomfortable as one can be times one hundred and there’s nothing anyone can do. This ladies and gentleman is the part of endo I hate. Being in enormous amounts of pain while no one takes me seriously and my husband has to listen to me complain and see the pained look on my face all day and night. This aspect of endo makes functioning pretty damn hard. This is the part of endo I wish I could get passed but until I figure out my new normal I’ll be here, in the in between for a little while longer.

 

Until Next Time

 

xoxo

Just When You Start to Feel Alone…

There’s this group on Facebook called Endometriosis and Me. I stumbled across the website and noticed that the women there seem so connected. And not in the everyone is connected on Facebook way, but that much deeper connection, is the type of relationship these women are in. At the time of me looking for a group to join I needed a group like this. For the last year I’ve been pretty quiet. I only ask questions that are really concerning or to get medication advice from these women.  I have never met any of these women but for some reason I feel like we are bonded and connected by this disease. This disease is awful and with doctors and big pharma it will continue to take on average 10 years before a woman is diagnosed with this disease.

And can we talk about these women? These women are some of the strongest women I’ve ever “met “in my life. They share their stories. They share when they’re having a tough day. They share when they can’t get out of the house and do something normal because when this disease grabs hold of your body it doesn’t let go. We make plans only to cancel them last minute because we don’t feel well or can’t seem to move out from our fetal position on the floor with the heating pad wrapped around our bellies. These women really, truly, understand what the saying ‘the little things matter’ means. Our little things are small victories like getting out of bed, showering, putting on real clothes, no leggings and a sweatshirt, real decent clothing. Our little things are getting through the day without feeling a stabbing pain at some point in your stomach, back, or pelvic area. For me my wins include putting makeup on on a day when I’m not working; cleaning the entire house without feeling like I’ve been hit by a train going 100 miles per hour. Small victories can get us throughout the day but not always.

There are some days when you’ve accomplished a few things but in your mind it’s not enough. That’s where having a person who supports you is so important. In the group, Endometriosis and Me I asked the girls to share their story of who their person is. A few girls said they are single and live alone so they don’t have a person. These women also mentioned how hard dating is with endometriosis, which I can’t even imagine since dating seems to be the worst thing to want to do right now, endo or not. But, Crystal’s story really got me emotional. She talked about her boyfriend and how much he has been able to get her through this. She said her journey has been especially hard. But he is there for her. He lays in bed with her and they do Netflix marathons, while snuggling and eating popcorn. She is going through the depo shot and I pray she doesn’t experience all the awful things I did. She mentioned how he rubs her feet, draws her relaxing baths, and goes to all of her appointments because he knows how bad her anxiety in doctor’s office settings are for her. There’s something that can happen along the journey of going through endometriosis. We as women start to think we aren’t pretty enough or good enough for our partners. Her story and testimony are why strong relationships exist. Her story is a true example of true love. When a woman is diagnosed with endo and their partner finds out there is a possibility they may never have children it’s scary. Don’t think for one second that I wasn’t telling Russell to never leave me. In fact, after my left ovary and tube were removed, during our engagement, I told him I would understand if he wanted to be with someone who didn’t have endometriosis, who could give him everything he wants in life. But he said he will always choose me and I am forever grateful for my husband and his decision to help me fight this. Every woman you talk to will have a different story on who their person is. But usually it’s the person who is there for them most and takes care of them. For me, my person is my husband because even though he’s sick right now he’s making sure I have enough pillows and blankets to keep me warm. He is my angel sent from heaven.

To all the girls out there who feel alone, like we all do at times, let’s connect! Leave a comment with your social media and we can be friends, even if it’s just the kind of friends to talk about who shitty endo is. And if you have a story to share of your person I’d love to hear about it! Connect with me on Facebook or Instagram or on here! And please remember your self worth and value are more than what this disease makes you think.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

Crazy Questions People Ask

I know this blog is titled ‘crazy questions people ask’ but this blog is just a question I was asked tonight that I didn’t have the answer to. It took a lot of thought and I’m still up at almost 3am thinking about it so I thought I’d put into a blog…or rather throw this onto the page and see what happens.

So for starters I’m always taken aback at people’s questions. Like the normal one I get is ” when are you going to start having kids?”. First, I want to make it very clear that each couple is different. Some people don’t want to have children. Some have a plan in place that doesn’t require them to be in a rush. Some are still teetering on the idea of having children but financially aren’t sure they want to. Some want to travel and live life first. Some want to start right away. No matter what a couple chooses to do I think it should be respected and not harped on. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering where this is all coming from. (Disclaimer * I’m not upset by the questions people ask about infertility…but sometimes it’s tough to answer strangers questions). I got to talking to a table who commented on my ring. I told them our wedding story, where we got married, yada yada yada. I didn’t mention children because it’s hard for me to talk about. All of a sudden at the same they asked, “you’ve been married for a little while when are you going to start trying for a family? I told them my husband and I are hopefully adding to our family soon but I have fertility issues and we are seeking treatment from a specialist. That’s just my standard answer because I don’t know exactly when things are happening and let’s be honest, I’m not telling strangers when my baby is going to be made by my specialist. I’m pretty sure we aren’t telling anyone when that day is because I don’t want to be asked a thousand times if we’re pregnant before we’re ready to share the news. * getting back on track now* All of the sudden the wife asked me what it’s like to be infertile. This is the question that has me up thinking about the last 3 years. I told her it’s tough but I manage. That each day has it’s own challenges but with the help of our doctor and his team I know we’ll have children I just don’t know when.

I didn’t get into any specifics with them because that’s personal and unless you’re family or one of my close friends, you know what I’m going through and what we need to do in order to have children. But this has me thinking, like what is it really like being infertile. I’ve compiled a list of words I can think of that describe what being infertile is like.

Heartbreaking. Challenging. Embarrassing. Tough. Sad. Frustrating. Agonizing. Hurtful. Failure. Lost. Depressing. Tiring. Damaging. Stressful. Aching. Bitter. Pessimistic. Optimistic. Doubtful. Hopeful. Somber. Anticipative.

There’s so many more words I can think of to describe what being infertile is like. I literally want to cry every day because the yearning I have for a child just grows each day. Each day is one day closer to children but it’s also a reminder that not being on Lupron means the disease is growing back. And what point will it wipe out my entire system? Exactly how much time do we have? All I know is that we may be able to squeeze in two pregnancies and then I’m done (which is ironic because I always joked with Russell that he’d have to get snipped but looks like he won’t have to now hehe) There are so many times during the day where I wonder off in my thoughts and just think why? But there isn’t an answer. And I know 1 in 8 women are going through this… some just now finding out while others are years, if not decades, into their journey’s. I’m just grateful for a husband who supports me and takes care of me as much as he does because being newlyweds we should be adventuring instead of buying heating pads and looking up ways to relieve endo flare ups. But this is the path we are meant to be on. I can’t say I’m 100% grateful for the journey yet but one day I’m sure while looking at my children, all the blood, sweat and tears (literally) to get them here will all be worth it.

So here’s to being asked questions that make me delve deep into my emotional self to answer what it’s like to be an infertile women.

Until Next Time

xoxoxo

Happy New Year!

It’s a new year and we all know what that means!!! Hopefully we’ll be adding to our family this year. Russell and I have so much going on and I have been away for a bit. We are still dealing with my endo on an every day basis. I have a friend who just found out she is undergoing a laparascopy in order to find out if she has endo. Then on the other end of the spectrum I have a pageant friend who has been inspired by women who aren’t able to conceive and she is now becoming an egg donor. I am so grateful for her and I wanted to take a minute to thank the women who are strong enough and brave enough to donate their eggs to women like me.

While Russell and I haven’t thought of using anything donor, we haven’t even discussed using a surrogate because my doctor is very confident in my body being able to carry babies. By the way, we have officially decided on implanting two embryos (with the possibility of three!!!)! . So yes, you’re reading that right, we have decided we are having twins and maybe triplets. I am very excited and we can’t wait to get going on our IVF journey. Get ready because it’s coming soon!

Now, back to my girlfriend who has decided to donate her eggs to a woman or women who can’t make eggs. We feel like failures, plain and simple. Not one person can convince us otherwise. It’s just the way we feel. When another woman steps in and has that much compassion for someone they don’t know, it’s unbelievable. I don’t want to name this person by name because I don’t have her permission. When another woman who doesn’t know someone just instinctively says I want to help how can I? I am floored. I was so emotional. Ya know, a lot of questions we get as infertile women is what you thought of using a surrogate? Have you thought of using donor eggs? Have you thought of using donor sperm? (Not in our case but just in general) Have you thought about adoption? Those the most popular questions when people find out you can’t conceive naturally. However, my friends response to finding out I couldn’t conceive is how can I help? Do you know that not many women respond that way. And all I can say is her actions have been incredible to watch. Her journey to helping a family is beautiful and it leads to believe there are still good people left in the world. She is going to give a couple the chance to expand their family. She is going to grant them the chance to try. She is giving them light when all they saw was darkness. I commend her for her actions and I can’t wait to see where her journey takes her. I am just grateful to know her and have no only learned a lot about myself and others throughout my journey through infertility.

I hope you all had a wonderful New Years Eve and I hope you’re 2018 is better than 2017!

Until Next Time

xoxox