I don’t want my family to see this and think I don’t want to interact or be apart of the celebrations. The truth is the holidays are extremely hard for me. I am so grateful Russell and I were able to get away and spend Thanksgiving in Detroit because it truly took my mind off of everything but us. Now here we are less than 21 days until Christmas. This part is hard for me to write. I don’t want to go because we’re the only couple without a child(ren). We don’t wake up on Christmas morning hearing the pitter patter of little feet and excited voices as they see the place of cookies and glass of milk have been eaten by Santa. We don’t get to watch in anticipation to see what amazing gifts our children will receive from their family this year, load up the car and go home to have a day full of fun and laughter and talking about Santa and how much fun he is.
Do you know the feeling when you’re at a family function or bbq and you’re the only one there without a spouse and you feel left out? That’s exactly what Christmas is for couples who don’t have children. You feel left out. Not in the sense that you didn’t contribute to getting a niece or nephew the gift they truly wanted but you don’t get to feel the same kind of excitement a parent feels. Moments like these are the ones that make me want to curl up in bed and never come back out. Why you ask? Because I sit there stoic, smiling and saying how awesome their new toy is but inside I’m crumbling. It’s taking every ounce of my body to not cry or act like somethings wrong. Being infertile is the worst thing a woman can go through. Not only is it soul crushing to know you’re body isn’t functioning the way ‘God’ made it but it wants to revolt and send you into days, weeks, and months of pain. I’ve been in pain every day for the last two years; physically, emotionally and mentally.
Now does this mean we are going to skip Christmas? No. But as I said earlier it will take everything in my being to be fully present that day. I’ll have a smile on my face and pretend like nothing’s wrong while my head will be filled with what if’s? The what if’s are the worst and so is hope. Having hope through infertility is like free falling off a mountain side, not knowing which landing you’ll have;soft or hard. I’m also not sharing this to make my family feel bad but to allow them to see the signs that I’m sad. I’m sad for my husband because all he wants is a family. I am sad for myself because my body being a failure means I’m a failure too. I’ve failed throughout my life but this has to be the biggest, most frustrating failure of all.
My advice this holiday season is if you know someone going through infertility be a little extra sensitive, I promise it will go a long way in making us feel a little bit of normalcy. ]
Until Next Time