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Still having Hot Flashes…

This week has been filled with highs and lows. Needless to say I’m ready to relax tomorrow and forget the world exists. July 25 I went into the fertility doctor’s office and they gave me the shot. They said once week 12 hits I shouldn’t have hot flashes, insomnia, etc. I’m having the hot flashes and even worse the ever before. My ears turn bright red,  my nose turns red and my entire body from top to bottom sweats so much you’d think I Just ran a marathon.

It’s been a long week because there has been a lot to do. I had to schedule our second opinion. We’ve decided it’s best to go to Cincinnati. I already see a Nuerologist at UC Health. Dr. Vij. He’s amazing and the reason I keep going back to get my botox! I’m getting my last botox treatment until after we give birth. In order to get botox I have to count four months out on the calendar and know when we’re in the safe zone to conceive.  But I am excited to meet this new guy and see what he has to say. Everyone is going to be different but I hope he will hear me when I speak to him. We have a lot more reasons for choosing UC Health but getting the best care is what is most important to us, especially if I have to pay for everything then I’ll make sure  we are seeing the person we want to see. Not to mention our current doctor can’t see us until we are ready to begin IVF treatment. We feel this is the perfect time to get a second opinion. I realize all the costs that are associated with infertility but I am signing up to get pregnant.

But I’ve had such a down week. It all began at the beginning of the week because I was feeling awful. I had to cancel a few appointments I had with friends and with my doctors simply because I couldn’t get out of bed. I cried a lot and  said to the universe ” why is this happening to us? I’ve been a little unstable emotionally this week. Every little thing stressing me out. I’m noticing negative thoughts are entering my space. Thoughts talking about me as a mother, how do I deserve a child over someone else, am I ready, etc. All these questions are consuming me and for a split second earlier this week I thought maybe I’m being punished for something I did in a past life. But I’m coming around now.

Some days are better than others and I’m still learning how to deal with emotions that infertility brings.  As also, please hug a friend extra tight and let them know you’re there. Even if it’s just to text about their day. I have a very small circle of girlfriends and one of them has been so understanding of why I can’t do things when I did say I could do. She understands how much this takes out of me. I’m not ignoring anyone if they are trying to hang out!

Until Next Time

xoxo

 

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The little things make you realize how much you want a baby, but also how possible it could be for one couple and impossible for the other couple. I am 1 in 8.

I was watching one of my favorite shows, Eric and Jessie on E!. They were talking about whether or not to have a baby and if they’d try for another because they said it was easy for them. Her sister who was pregnant at the time said well how are you feeling? So naturally Jessie went to take the test. Eric walks in and is asking what they’re doing and he sees the test is negative. The next scene is the family hugging together saying it’s not meant to be this month. See that brought back so many emotions and I started crying. For those that haven’t caught on yet, crying is one thing I’m pretty damn good at.

But in all honest the memories of the TWW a few months ago were brutal. They were more than brutal. There were days that felt like they were drag on so slowly and we’d never get to test. Then test day comes and you don’t really sleep the night before because you’re so anxious you have to know. I am also a super type A personality.  I also remember wondering the entire time “are we pregnant?”. The first time I thought for sure because I was having some unusual cravings and then I was having a few pregnancy symptoms but the test came out negative anyway. That was more heartbreaking than my boyfriend in high school saying I was boring and he wanted to date someone else. It was more heartbreaking knowing my body couldn’t do it. Then the second time we did the TWW and I felt nothing. Not one symptom. No tiredness. No nausea. Nothing. And sure enough the test was negative. The feelings of loneliness and depression have been sinking in lately. The holidays are coming and I’m wondering what the next few months will look like. I’m working as much as can without wearing myself out but all I think about is when it’ll be our time. It’s funny (not really) but I’ve been told that if this the path I’m walking and being guided down then maybe God is saying I don’t deserve to be a mother. I think that’s rude and harsh but that’s her opinion so I’m deciding to leave that there.We’ll start the IVF process at the very beginning of spring after the holidays. I’m looking forward to continuing fighting and going through hell and back.

For now, it’s ovulation kits, timed intercourse, and trying some wives tales on how to get pregnant.

Until Next Time

xoxo

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Our Only Hope

This blog is a little deeper than I usually go. I’ve been talking with our doctor about the possibility of going back on Femara with the trigger shot next month because I’m finishing up my last few weeks on Lupron (Hallelujah!). We’ve been playing phone tag because this past week has been insane. Today I noticed the voicemail was a little longer than usual. I thought it was going to be good news when in reality it was crushing. They have come to the determination that no treatment other than IVF will allow us to get pregnant. Not one. Not a trigger shot. Not fertility meds combined with a trigger shot. Not even another IUI. Listening to this was crushing for several reasons. This means my clock is literally ticking. Ya know, like when you hear people say their biological clock is ticking and mine is. I am also hurt because I had to tell my husband. I called him right after I listened to the voicemail and told him I was sorry. I am sorry for not being whole. For not being able to do what my body is supposed to. And I know I keep repeating this statement but it’s true. I feel guilt. And every woman with endometriosis knows that their story will be a little different. Mine have always said I would have a harder journey because I only have one ovary and one tube. At this point in our journey I have become more realistic. I know with the amount of damage my body has gone through, four surgeries, my uterus being fused with my colon and the amount of pain I’m in now, they are right. I can try as much as I can but IUI’s are going to be a waste of money. For the time being we’ll get ovulation kits and see what happens on our own. They say I need to rest and keep thinking positive. But some days it’s hard; real hard. Like so hard I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to lay there and shut the world out. As much as I know there are people there for me, I am alone. There are so many women who can try to relate but they have children. They have been able to feel what it’s like to grow a miracle inside of them. I want that, just once. IVF is coming. However, it won’t be until after the holidays. I know it’s not going to be easy and so far I’ve conquered each obstacle that we’ve been faced with. I know that IVF is going to take a lot of patience, time, money, faith and I’m sure I’ll shed plenty of tears.

I’m not asking for your prayers or pity. I just want you to hug your children closer and tell them you love them a little more often. Because there are women like me who would literally give anything to just feel the love and bond it feels to be a parent.

Until Next Time

xoxo

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Journey Update!

TWO MORE WEEKS! Two more weeks and I’m done with Lupron. I can say this has been the longest 3 months. It’s been trying. I’ve cried alot. I’ve hurt alot and I’ve wondered if I can continue on and keep going. But I keep pushing. I keep fighting because I refuse to look back and wonder if I did enough.

So…I’ll be getting a period soon. Maybe within the next 4-6 weeks. It takes a little bit for your body to get used to not having any medication in it to force it into menopause. I’m not gonna lie I have wondered what’s worse, menopause or a period. For me personally a period is worse but there is a reason I don’t want to go back through Lupron. I could opt to keep going on Lupron for another 3 months but I don’t think I can do it. So we’ve decided to go on Femara, which is a medication that helps with creating mature follicles so when you go to release them during ovulation they are at full maturity. This means we’ll be doing the trigger shot and given a time frame to conceive. We’ll go into the tww(two week wait) and see what happens. The two week wait as I’ve mentioned before is no joke. It’s the toughest time. Your mind goes haywire; every little thing tricks your mind into thinking you’re pregnant. However, I can’t go an IUI again. Given that my AMH levels are 0.01% I’d rather wait a few extra months and persue IVF. We aren’t in the clear by any means. We still gave to go through all these steps, I’m still in pain and most days I can’t help but wonder why. There are no signs in my family that this disease exists or is hereditary. And endometrioisis takes up to 10 years or longer to find out you have it.

So there you go. We’ve got a few more months at best before this new journey begins. Also, please take a moment to hug those women you know who have suffered a miscarriage or an infant loss. October is not only breast cancer awareness month, it’s also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. There are so many women suffering in silence because we have no one to talk to or to just let them what we are going through. And I don’t want to get asked again if I’ve thought about adoption. It’s an irrelevant question (in my opinion) and I won’t answer it.

Until Next Time

 

xoxo

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That moment you realize no one believes you or your disease

I came to the realization that there are doctors, more specifically those who don’t fully understand what endometriosis is, and therefore think I’m faking my pain. It all started last Saturday at Kettering. I was in the ER for excruciating back and pelvic pain. I get back to a room where I wasn’t given an IV or anything. After a few minutes a lovely young lady walks in. I see she has a notepad and is in scrubs. So basically she’s a student learning for this shift. She sat down and asked the usual questions : why are you here? where is your pain? what has caused this pain? can you explain in more detail what endometriosis is? have you had surgery in the past? Tell me more about your surgeries. And this goes on and on and on and on because so many nurses have never heard of the term endometriosis before they encountered me. After sitting the room for over an hour, I’ve asked for water because I’m getting quite parched, they ask me to do a pee test. Now if I hadn’t seen what I did when I walked in maybe I wouldn’t be second guessing the reasoning  behind it all. And when the nurse came back into the room and said my sample was fine they just wanted me to make sure there wasn’t anything in my system. After that it was like here’s an anti-nausea pill and a shot of morphine and you get to go home now.

Here’s why I’m complaining. When a doctor can’t “see” pain it can be very hard to diagnose. But I feel like a lot of the time when things get too hard or their priorities shift they’re just like this girl needs to go there is nothing we can do for her. So now we are back at square one. I have an OBGYN appointment tuesday. As you can tell its 3am. I’m in more pain than you can imagine and the pain in my lower back is starting to spasm.

Until we have a day where information about endometriosis comes out and there is a cure or even a way to detect it, this is how endometriosis will continually be treated.

Until Next Time

xoxo