What runs through your mind when you are doing something that scares you? Do you think about how the actions you are about to take are going to affect you? That’s exactly how I felt when I started this blog. I was scared, not because I didn’t want to share my story but because I was afraid of being judged. In previous blog entries I’ve explained the criticism I’ve received for sharing my journey, posting pictures of my belly and being too open. I know I am open and brutally honest. But I don’t think we are truly educating women and others who don’t have this disease if we aren’t open.
I can tell you I just had my fourth surgery. And it was by far the worst surgery I have had so far. I knew something was wrong around the holidays but waited to see my OB/GYN. I went through the usual routine and scheduled surgery. Come to find out my pelvis and uterus were”frozen” together, meaning they were connected with scar tissues and enveloped in it, not to mention my uterus is very tilted. I also had the usual scar tissue close to my fallopian tube and several cysts on my ovary. Needless to say, recovery has been hard. I’ve been more sore, bloated and tired than I can remember being with the last three surgeries. My OB/GYN put a “glove” around my fallopian tube and was able to extensively clean my ovary and put me back together.
But as I lay in the hospital bed right after surgery I couldn’t help but ask why me? Why do I have this disease? Why do I have to go through this? Why was I chosen to have something there is no cure for? All of those questions and more started creeping in. I wondered if I’d ever be a mother; something I’ve wanted ever since I can remember. Will I be able to give my husband a child; something I know he wants desperately. It’s easy for me to say I’m sorry I’m broken. I’m sorry I’m not whole. I say those things because I really mean them.I am sorry my husband has to go through this with me because he should have a wife that is able to give him such a special gift. I laid there that night in the hospital thinking about what I could do differently. I have never been overly religious so I’m not sure that’s the route I want to take. However, in this moment of laying in the dark, I had this vision of being a mother. And more importantly I had a vision of me being pregnant and raising this beautiful human. I was reminded that night that I have to have faith. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t have a bad day and cry but I can’t stay there. I can allow myself an hour to wallow and say why me over and over and over but after that time period I need to pick myself up by my big girl panties and figure out how to be a better me.
The point of my blogs is to always share the heartache I feel going through this. Just this week I was waiting on a table that asked me what was taking me so long to have children. I didn’t have words this person and before the tears could fall down my face I walked away. I struggle every day with this disease, some days more than others but I still struggle. I’m currently resting every chance I get because when I don’t I get very bloated, crampy and my back feels like it’s on fire.
Slowly but surely I am learning that I’m not alone. That this is going to be an uphill battle and I have to climb it and own my disease like the queen I am. I also have to have that same queen mentality when things don’t go according to plan. And if there’s anything positive that’s come out of this journey it’s that I’m finding my purpose. I am wanting to fight for women like me. Why should a woman going through endometriosis and other reproductive health issues have the burden of paying for everything out of pocket? Why can’t insurance companies help more? I am finding my voice, something that was missing or lost. I know I may share too much for some but for others I know this is education so I thank you. Thank you for your prayers, guidance, love, and support. But mostly, thank you for allowing me to find a topic that burns a fire through my soul because some way, some how there will be other women sharing their stories. Writing is a way for us to say please love us and support us and be there through the good, the bad and the ugly.
I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8.
Until Next time