babies, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, Ohio, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Fertility meds-1 Me-0

Our journey towards having a baby began last Monday. It was a long yet insightful meeting with our doctors at Kettering Reproductive Medicine. I also had an appointment last Friday to more less see where we are in the stages of having a baby. My ultrasound didn’t go as I had planned. I have two endometriomas not one and they could only find one egg. However, one egg is better than no eggs so I’ll take it. We decided that it’s best if we are able to try to conceive on our own for a few months before jumping into IVF. Not to mention this couple of months will allow us to become financially prepared if we have to pay for IVF. So I started a medication called Aygestin. It’s a medication that will help my body produce more eggs. It also causes nausea, vomiting, mood swings, headache and dizziness. I’ve been dizzy, nausea and even projectile vomited all over our bathroom last night. I told Russell my stomach hurt last night and knew I would more than likely throw up but I told him I was okay. Then I sat up and knew immediately I wasn’t going to last… thus running towards the bathroom and not making it all the way.

But I refuse to complain. I have woah is me moments and moments when I cry (like last night) but I won’t complain about my journey. If anything this is teaching me to be stronger, to know my body is going to reject medications and that I will cry. For anyone who reads my blog and doesn’t know me, I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when I’m mad, sad, happy, or when I see those ASPCA commercials about dogs that need homes. I am learning that every woman’s journey towards getting pregnant is vastly different. Mine simply is harder. That doesn’t mean we won’t be blessed with a baby but our road is bumpier than others.

Continued positive vibes and thoughts for us as we continue on our journey to Baby Young!

Until next time,

xoxox

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babies, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, growing, learning, life, Ohio, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

Daydreaming

In my last blog I touched on how endometriosis changes a woman. I was scrolling through facebook today and came across an article from a page I follow called ‘Waiting for Baby Bird’. (Link is attached –https://waitingforbabybird.com/2017/02/21/an-open-letter-to-my-friend-struggling-with-infertility/)

If you don’t have time to read the article please make time. This blog hits home what every woman who suffers from infertility needs to read. It’s beautiful and brave in a way that speaks volumes. I wish there were more people like this in my life. I feel right now that a lot of people have been judging me for the decisions I have or have not made in the past. Some of these decisions resulting in friendships that are strained. Unfortunately, this is the side of infertility that I need support in. This article highlights what we need in those moments of darkness.

I had several moments of darkness and light this week. It started with our appointment on Monday. Our doctor is a very nice man who said we have a few options. We are making decisions on what is going to be best for us and taking everything one day at a time. My time of darkness came when he told me I have a 5x5x4.5 cm endometrioma inside my ovary. *WARNING: it’s about to get a bit graphic* Each month a woman has her period the lining of the uterus is shed along with the blood. When woman who have endometriosis have a period the lining of the uterus gets stuck on other parts of the body, such as the fallopian tubes, organs, where ever. Once the lining gets stuck to other organs it can’t be removed without surgery. Each month this happens. Well for me the lining of my uterus was shedding and going back into my ovary. At the same time that was happening blood was going back into my ovary and got trapped inside the lining causing a cyst that is not able to be removed. My endometrioma is more than 2 times the size of an ovary and for me I only have half an ovary so its pretty big. It is not able to be removed because the endometrioma is stuck inside my ovary with all my eggs. Removing the cyst would mean removing my eggs and that’s a risk I’m not taking. My endometrioma (otherwise known as chocolate cysts) will remain inside my ovary until it goes away on its own. If it doesn’t I’ll have to wait until after we are done having children to remove it. That was my dark moment of the week. I never would have guess that things looked worse than they were. I thought I was getting better but this feels a setback. However, thank goodness for Russell and his positive uplifting words. I am beyond thankful for him because he has been praying for us and our journey towards having a baby for a long time. Hearing him talk about how we are going to rearrange our home for a nursery gives me butterflies. I can’t wait for the day we get to experience it all…until then more daydreaming.

Until next time,

xoxo

babies, blogger, Dayton, endometriosis, Kids, learning, life, Ohio, pageant girl, reproductive health, sex, thoughts, transparency, truth, Uncategorized, women, women's issues

How Endometriosis Changes You

Every young girl imagines how her future is going to be. She is going to meet a guy (whether its their high or college sweetheart), fall in love, get married and have a family. I know that was me. I also had a super huge wedding planned in a church but we all know that changed (and definitely for the better!).

One year ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had had some really bad periods but like I’ve said in previous blogs I just thought it was normal and kept going. Then slowly but surely it became harder and harder to do things, simple things, like working out and walking around the block. That’s when I went to see my OB and we scheduled my first laprascopy. The rest is history. This past year has changed everything. I have had to put my life on hold to make sure I am healthy enough to do activities. What you don’t know is that I was hurting on my honeymoon in Hawaii. I didn’t tell Russell because those 16 days were the most magical and I was damn sure not going to let that get in the way. But here’s how endometriosis has really changed me. I don’t see anyone. I don’t go to lunch. I don’t go shopping. I don’t because I can’t. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning without feeling some kind of pain. If you don’t have this disease it’s very hard to explain what the pain is like to others who don’t have it. It’s hard to explain that sitting on my couch with my hot hugs heating pad and resting is all I can do right now. I can go out occasionally for date night but I want to do those things because it helps strengthen my marriage. Also, Russell has been there through this entire journey and he has seen first hand what I am going through, so he’s really the only one I can count on to be there 100% of the time (besides my parents and siblings).

Endometriosis has taught me that you need to be thankful if you can get pregnant easily because for those of us that can’t, it’s more than challenging. Endometriosis challenges your mental state, your emotional state and your physical strength. I have had moments where I thought I’d never come out of being sad, angry and depressed. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be around babies without crying. But what endometriosis has given me is the strength to talk about my feelings. I started this blog because I wanted people to know what websites don’t tell you. The amount of weight I gained and lost and gained again because of the hormones was awful. Endometriosis has taught me that I’m a fighter. Marcano’s fight to achieve a goal and I even though my last name is now Young, the Marcano in me keeps me fighting for a baby.

As I write this blog now I am staring at the paperwork that will get us started on our IVF Journey next Monday. This new chapter is daunting. The paper work seems like a mountain to climb. I am scared. I am nervous. I am anxious. I am feeling so many emotions that it’s hard to write them down. What endometriosis has taught me most is patience and faith. I have to have faith in order for this to work. I also have to have the patience to get from one appointment to another.

Endometriosis has changed me. Endometriosis has given me a voice I never thought I’d have. Endometriosis is scary and at times it seems impossible to get through, however, with Russell by my side I know I can do all things I set my mind to. I am hopeful that 2017 will bring a pregnancy and healthy baby into the world.

I appreciate all of you how continue to follow my journey and keep up with what is going on. I appreciate you more than you know. Your positive thoughts, words of encouragement and thoughtfulness mean more to me than you’ll ever know!

Until next time,

xoxox

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I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8

 

What runs through your mind when you are doing something that scares you? Do you think about how the actions you are about to take are going to affect you? That’s exactly how I felt when I started this blog. I was scared, not because I didn’t want to share my story but because I was afraid of being judged. In previous blog entries I’ve explained the criticism I’ve received for sharing my journey, posting pictures of my belly and being too open. I know I am open and brutally honest. But I don’t think we are truly educating women and others who don’t have this disease if we aren’t open.

I can tell you I just had my fourth surgery. And it was by far the worst surgery I have had so far. I knew something was wrong around the holidays but waited to see my OB/GYN. I went through the usual routine and scheduled surgery. Come to find out my pelvis and uterus were”frozen” together, meaning they were connected with scar tissues and enveloped in it, not to mention my uterus is very tilted. I also had the usual scar tissue close to my fallopian tube and several cysts on my ovary. Needless to say, recovery has been hard. I’ve been more sore, bloated and tired than I can remember being with the last three surgeries. My OB/GYN put a “glove” around my fallopian tube and was able to extensively clean my ovary and put me back together.

But as I lay in the hospital bed right after surgery I couldn’t help but ask why me? Why do I have this disease? Why do I have to go through this? Why was I chosen to have something there is no cure for? All of those questions and more started creeping in. I wondered if I’d ever be a mother; something I’ve wanted ever since I can remember. Will I be able to give my husband a child; something I know he wants desperately. It’s easy for me to say I’m sorry I’m broken. I’m sorry I’m not whole. I say those things because I really mean them.I am sorry my husband has to go through this with me because he should have a wife that is able to give him such a special gift. I laid there that night in the hospital thinking about what I could do differently. I have never been overly religious so I’m not sure that’s the route I want to take. However, in this moment of laying in the dark, I had this vision of being a mother. And more importantly I had a vision of me being pregnant and raising this beautiful human. I was reminded that night that I have to have faith. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t have a bad day and cry but I can’t stay there. I can allow myself an hour to wallow and say why me over and over and over but after that time period I need to pick myself up by my big girl panties and figure out how to be a better me.

The point of my blogs is to always share the heartache I feel going through this. Just this week I was waiting on a table that asked me what was taking me so long to have children. I didn’t have words this person and before the tears could fall down my face I walked away. I struggle every day with this disease, some days more than others but I still struggle. I’m currently resting every chance I get because when I don’t I get very bloated, crampy and my back feels like it’s on fire.

Slowly but surely I am learning that I’m not alone. That this is going to be an uphill battle and I have to climb it and own my disease like the queen I am. I also have to have that same queen mentality when things don’t go according to plan. And if there’s anything positive that’s come out of this journey it’s that I’m finding my purpose. I am wanting to fight for women like me. Why should a woman going through endometriosis and other reproductive health issues have the burden of paying for everything out of pocket? Why can’t insurance companies help more? I am finding my voice, something that was missing or lost. I know I may share too much for some but for others I know this is education so I thank you. Thank you for your prayers, guidance, love, and support. But mostly, thank you for allowing me to find a topic that burns a fire through my soul because some way, some how there will be other women sharing their stories. Writing is a way for us to say please love us and support us and be there through the good, the bad and the ugly.

I am not alone. I am the 1 in 8.

 

Until Next time

xoxoxox