I can’t begin to tell you all how ready for Hawaii Russell and I are. More than ever we need a break from every day life. Not that we don’t love everyone in it but sometimes you just need to hit the reset button. And after 8 years, a ton of hard work and no vacation, we’re hitting our wall. There are still some things that need to be finalized and ordered but the main and important things are finished. Yay for that.
BUT this endometriosis is bound and determined to knock me down. I’m writing a blog post at almost 2am because I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep. I was so nauseated earlier I couldn’t eat dinner. Days like today make me feel trapped. I’m 27 I shouldn’t be going through this. I shouldn’t be hurting so bad I can’t function. And by not functioning I mean the pain is so bad I can hardly walk to the bathroom. It hurts to go to the bathroom and all I can do is lay in the fetal position. I have my hot hugs, thanks to my amazing and wonderful endo-sister and best friend Erin. If you don’t have a hot hugs you should totally get one! They are heating pads but are teddy bears so you have something to hold or squeeze until the pain eases up. I haven’t gotten sick (yet) but I’m sure that’s going to be coming soon. I am keeping myself hydrated and trying to remain calm and breathe through the pain. That’s the one thing my OB told me, not breathing through a cramp is a bad thing and will keep me tense, therefore giving me more pain. So basically I sound like a woman in labor when it gets this bad. And I’m beginning to wonder if this pain is as bad as going into labor.
I’m not sure if I said this in my last blog but, I’ve gotten a lot of negative feedback on how I am presenting my disease. This disease isn’t pretty (what disease is??) and it isn’t talked about unless you have it. I had no idea I had endometriosis until February. By that point it was almost too late. If my OB hadn’t have caught it I most likely wouldn’t have the tube and ovary I still have. I want you all to know I am not sharing my story to get sympathy from you. I am sharing my story and what I go through to show you what living with this disease is like. I can’t do simple exercises, like going on walks or hiking, because of the amount of pain I am in afterwards. I can’t walk around for long periods of time without being in pain (going back to serving has caused lots of pain) and the list goes on.
But the worst part about having this disease was having to look at Russell right after I had surgery #2 (when my left side was removed) and tell him I may never be able to give him a child. I am not sure how many of you women would be able to do that but I cry all the time with that worry. But when I was getting my hair done I was talking to my stylist Jessica. She has brought so much healing to my life and I am so grateful for her. When I am around her I feel so much positive energy and I know she is giving me her optimism, and so is Russell. Because of them, as well as, my other friends and family rallying behind me, I truly believe one day I’ll be telling Russell we’re having a baby and we did it on our own.
Early last month I was thinking about why I made my IVF appointment. To be honest, I was scared and thought I didn’t have enough chance with a 5% functioning system. I thought I didn’t have what it takes. Basically, I didn’t believe in myself. I let someone overtake my thoughts and emotions. I let the negative creep in. Obviously, this is going to happen to everyone and I’m not perfect so it does happen. But when I surrender my thoughts and center myself I know I can make a miracle happen. Miracles happen every day, so why would I think my 5% chance isn’t good enough? I also know 5% isn’t a lot but it’s better than 0%. I can’t tell you all how overwhelming, emotionally draining, and physically exhausting this journey has been and continues to be. I also can’t tell you all how much having Russell here and having his support means to me. Not all men would be able to go through this. He has gone through this with me. He has seen me at my worst and picked me up and been my rock. There were so many appointments that I’d come home crying from because the news was never good. If I was going through this alone, I have no idea what I’d do. The best thing I’ve received through this journey is that he prays for me. My fiance prays for me and us and that means so much to me. I know he is worried and stressed and wonders about what could happen, even though I know he tries not to. I love him now more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. I hope every woman going through this has a man that stands by them and supports them unconditionally. This has been the biggest and most challenging part of my life.
So here’s to hoping my endometriosis will let me enjoy two solid weeks in Hawaii, away from the hustle and bustle of every day life. We will for sure be slowing down and taking our time with everything and enjoying being in the moment with one another. As always, if you know someone who is going through infertility or has endometriosis or is going through the IVF process please give her a hug and let her know you’re there, it means more than you know.
Until Next Time,