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Denial

I am currently in a state of denial. Every morning I wake up and tell myself my body won’t hurt, my insides will cooperate and I won’t have to sit on my heating pad. Well every day I’m wrong. Every day, I come home from work and immediately sit on my heating pad because of the pain. Now don’t get me wrong, the pain varies every day. As I’m writing this I can barely stand to sit up because all I want to do is lay in a fetal position.

I had my Lupron shot about two weeks ago so I should be able to feel some relief in the next week or two. But I’m also in denial because surgery #3 is looming. I didn’t want to make this public because that means its real. Laparoscopy #2 will be done next month because my scar tissue is inside my uterus and obstructing my bowels (sorry TMI) which is a very bad thing. I am having a lot of pain on my right ovary, most likely because I have more than cysts on it. I’m bloated and feel like I’m having an out of body experience. I go about my days as if I don’t have endometriosis but I also have to realize that I can’t function like I used to. My hormones are so out of whack that I’ve gained 12 pounds since December (not a bad thing just weird to gain more weight in 7 months than the first 8 years since I graduated high school). I try to do my work, walk around as much as I can and do normal things, but the reality is, I can’t. I worry that I’ll never get back to being “normal”. My new normal isn’t fun. I worry that I’ll keep missing out on fun things to do. I worry that in Hawaii my body won’t cooperate. I stress so much I get migraines.

I’m apologizing in advance if I’ve upset anyone by cancelling on them because I physically can’t get up in the morning. Through all of this though, I have to say I am so thankful for my family, super close friends, and Russell. They’ve made this bump in the road bearable. I am thankful for all the support everyone has given, for those that check on me and how I’m doing and those that pray for Russell and I. I have a very hard time grasping the notion that I may not be able to conceive. But I know if I worry about it too much, it’ll consume me; some days it does. But then I remember that Russell and I are on this journey of life together and he has been brave enough to tell me everything’s going to be okay, even if we can’t have kids. I am thankful for all he’s put up with this year. This year was supposed to be all highs, no lows but life doesn’t always work out the way we plan. I can’t wait for our wedding so be on the lookout for a series of wedding blogs coming up! I have some super fun sneak peaks to share with you all!

Until next time xoxoxo

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