I feel like a Failure

It’s been a little while since I’ve written a blog post. I have been thinking of how I was going to word this. Failure is not something I take well. When I have my mind set on something I go after it with everything I have. I don’t like being told I can’t do something. I don’t like my body telling me I’m pushing myself too far, however, I was stopped dead in my tracks at the beginning of the year. My body was telling me something was wrong. My body was saying “stop you need a break from everything”. I didn’t want to listen to it because I thought everything was fine. But it wasn’t and I’m in the position I am today because my body was telling me to go to the doctors.

After the appointments and the surgeries, I’ve had plenty of time to think about what I want to do in the future. One thing that I’ve suppressed and made myself not think about is having a baby. You see, after my last surgery I was given a hormone shot to stop my periods so I’d be able to heal properly. Stage 4 extensive endometriosis is not something to be taken lightly. Stage 4 means you have a very small chance at having a baby. My chances are 25%. While I know this is better than 0% ,it’s still not the best. After the hormone shot wears off I still have 30-60 days to wait for the body to get back to normal. I will not have a period until July or August. No period means no ovulating. No ovulating means no thinking of having a baby.

Being diagnosed with endometriosis is very overwhelming. The disease can turn you into someone you don’t recognize. After you are told you have a small chance of having a baby, you become depressed, jaded, and a little bitter. You wonder why this happening to you. You look back and wonder what you could have done to catch it earlier.

So here’s how I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve failed myself by not asking my gynecologist why I’m in so much pain. I thought my cramps, back pain and painful periods were something most women experienced. I thought I knew everything about my periods but I didn’t. I knew very little. That’s how I failed myself. I also feel like I’ve failed (and am failing) Russell. Most of you know we are getting married in October. There is nothing I’d love more than to have a baby. After all, my body is supposed to be the vessel that carries a baby through conception to birth for 9 months. Being told you may not get to experience that, is overwhelming. I can honestly say it takes your breath away. Russell and I’ve had many conversations on what is to come. He has supported me and been there to take of me through all of this. I’ve failed him because I know he wants a family. I’ve failed myself because I am supposed to be in the prime of my life. I am supposed to be healthy and happy. But sadly, I’m not. I’m not healthy (just yet…working on it though) and I’m doing everything I can to count my blessings each day instead of thinking of what I don’t have.

I can honestly say I can’t think about having a baby right now. As much as I’d love to have one, feel what it’s like to have a being you created in your belly moving around, I can’t handle it. I break down when I see people taking their situations for granted and then the “why me” starts and I don’t want to be that person. I have to think positively. I have to think about what I have. I have to realize I have to pull myself up and keep going forward. I also have to realize there are moments when I know I’m going to cry and have a moment of weakness. But that’s okay. I’ll have to find a way to get through this and maybe one day I’ll be successful with getting pregnant. Until then, I’ll continue to educate myself on what endometriosis does to a woman and how we can educate others more about this awful disease.